i do not know wat to do with myself....... 6 months ago i gave birth to a beautifull baby girl (my first child) but cruely after complications during the labour she died at 19 hours old!!! i was and still am truely devastated my family an friends have been really great and very supportive. i was single and planned to bring my daughter up on my own which i was really loooking forward too but that is no longer possible. 2 weeks after my daughters passing we held her funeral which i cannot really remember i visit her grave regularly but often dont stay there long as i dont know wat to say to her!! A week after her funeral my grandad also passed away bringing even more hurt to me and my family he was like my father rather than my grandad and i simple dont know wat to do with myself anymore, i have lost 2 of the most important ppl in my life an with that iv also lost my get up an go!!!:confused:

i cant imagine that.
That is incredibly horrible. As for your daughter, i think you should take one night
to sit and write a letter to her. It sounds odd. But try it. Get out everything you
need to say to her. And i mean everything. Just let it all out. Then take the letter to her grave and burn it. I know that sounds wierd, but i heard from a person i once knew that burning it sends it faster. If you believe in heaven.
She did it with one of her friends who died when she never got to put her letter in the casket.

Just think about all the people you still have and that are greatful to have you. One day you will have the chance to have a child again. But always remember your babygirl.

If after a long time the pain doesnt cease at all, maybe you should seek a bit of therapy. Just for somone to talk to and to give you advice on how to keep going, like the millions of people in your position.

thank you for the reply!! thats a really gud idea i had never thort of that but i wll deffinately do it!! thank you very very much tracie x take care

What a terrible thing to go through. It's so hard to understand why these things happen but unfortunately they do and they have happened to other women so perhaps there is a support group you could go to with other mums who have also lost a child. The fact that another significant person in your life died so soon after is just so tragic and you lost vital support by the sounds of it. Thats y I think it's even more important that you need to build up a fresh support network on this site and in group/one to one therapy. I found a nice thing to do to remember someone by is planting a tree or rose bush (anything that you think captures the beauty of your daughther really).

You are a survivor, best wishes

i do not know wat to do with myself....... 6 months ago i gave birth to a beautifull baby girl (my first child) but cruely after complications during the labour she died at 19 hours old!!! i was and still am truely devastated my family an friends have been really great and very supportive. i was single and planned to bring my daughter up on my own which i was really loooking forward too but that is no longer possible. 2 weeks after my daughters passing we held her funeral which i cannot really remember i visit her grave regularly but often dont stay there long as i dont know wat to say to her!! A week after her funeral my grandad also passed away bringing even more hurt to me and my family he was like my father rather than my grandad and i simple dont know wat to do with myself anymore, i have lost 2 of the most important ppl in my life an with that iv also lost my get up an go!!!:confused:

Hello:

I am a man and a father. I have no doubt that the biggest loss for a human being is the loss of a child. It takes a very long to heal, and actually it may never heal completely again. Which, mind you, doesn't mean that you will never be ok again.

If your daughter died, there must have been a concrete cause for it. I don't know, I am just speculating, but maybe she had an incurable disease and wouldn't be strong enough to live a life healthy enough to make it viable. I know this sounds like a consolation, but maybe her death was not an accident after all, if you see what I mean.

I know that this is your decision and not anyone else's business, but from my own experience, I can tell you that bringing up a child within a family, with a couple engaged and involved in it, is very much of a task. Now, imagine how hard it can be for a single parent. Maybe you could go over your decision and find that next time around it'd be better and safer to have a commited partner on your side.

As for communicating with your daughter, if it is really urgent for you, the idea of the (burnt) letter sounds ok to me. The same would apply to your grandfather. Or maybe you could try and talk to her/them in your dreams. What you really seem to need is to exorcize your pain and your guilt, if any, and realize that, despite having lost these two precious people, you still have a long life to live and many more significant people to meet, if you just look in the right places.

Best to you,

JC

I am so sorry you've lost your little chloe (I'm guessing that's her name from your user id). There really is nothing that breaks your heard more than losing a little one. And when you lose others who are close to you around the same time, it gets harder. My little girl died at two months old, both her grandparents within the same month. I've not experienced anything so difficult in the fourteen years since then. The pain doesn't go away. It changes over time, you learn ways to deal with it...acceptance can take a long time. But she'll always be your daughter, and you'll always be her mother. If you'd like to talk to some other people who have experienced something similar, there's a nice SIDS/stillbirth forum on this site. I do agree with Messee about the therapy...sure helps to talk to someone who's "outside" the box...and the planting trees/flowers idea is wonderful...we planted irises for Lauren. I love to watch them bloom...and I like to think she sees them, too. Hugs and prayers to you and your family.

I am so sorriy about your loss. It must be so hard to have gone through labor and delivery and all the joy and happiness of your new baby just to have it taken away so unfairly.

During this time of your Great Loss, It will seem nothing can be said or done to make things any better, and if anything, makes it worse.

For me this is how I felt when my beautiful first born son Patrick died a year and half ago at birth. I was in so much pain and anguish, the grief was overwhelming at times. I accepted all sympathies from people but nothing anyone said helped. Those who told me it happened for a reason, it was God's will, maybe he would have been handicapped and it is better this way, just made it hurt even more. Maybe it happened for no good reason, and it was Gods will for this child to be created and born and maybe he would have been perfectly healthy? well, I could go on and on about my experiences and grief. But here is what actually helped me and maybe will help you too. . .

Did you get to spend time with her? Do you have pictures? Write down and hold onto every precious memory you have of being with her, including memories of your pregnancy. The details tend to get fuzzy as time goes on.. I felt it helpful to write out the whole pregnancy and birth story for myself and saved it on a disc. When I went back and read it months later I realized I forgot some of the details.

Doing research medically about what happened with the baby. I got all the hospital records and autopsy reports

Talking with other parents who have experienced the same. Talking about my birth story and all the details was theraputic for me. Also talking about my baby as much as possible, saying his name, validated his existance to myself and others. Dont be silent. YOu are a mother and have every right to talk about your little one, despite the outcome. I still talk about Patrick openly to others and even if they are uncomfortable I don't care. I keep his spirit alive in this way.

Reading books about stillbirth, grief and I especially liked "When bad things happen to good people"


Going on anti-depressants. I was advised to do this right from the beginning but I was against it. I wanted to work through my grief and not be "drugged" However I waited until it was almost too late ,and it got to the point where I was having severe panic, anxiety and was so depressed I didn't eat for 2 weeks. The anti-depressant lifted the cloud and helped me go on with my life, go back to work, and feel motivated to face the present and future.

Keep in mind the hormones last awhile after delivery a few months. They do contribute to your emotions and make it all worse. The recovery from labor also takes a toll on you. Physicaly you will start feeling better and that will help you sort things out emotionally.

You may be told by others that you can have another baby. . .etc. But in your mind and heart you don't want another baby, you want your baby the one who just died. You had plans for that baby and special circumstances surrounding that baby, and had spent a lot of time planning and preparing mentally, emotionally and physically for your new arrival.

For me my life did not truly get better until I became pregnant again. I just gave birth to a healthy boy. I will never forget Patrick and his little brother will know all about him. The more time that passes the better things will get. Though I agree with other posts that the grief never truly goes away and it will and has changed you and your life forever.

It helps me to help others and give them hope that you can survive the loss of a child, that despite such a great tragedy you can and will heal, and that for now it is ok to be sad and angry.

I wish you and your family peace and healing.

This may sound kooky but I strongly believe in Heaven and I think maybe God took your Grandfather to take care of your baby in Heaven. You mentioned he was more of a dad to you than a Grandfather so I can see him in Heaven hugging and caring for your baby. I hope maybe this will comfort you.

My Mom died just last month and I've had to think of things like this to comfort myself. That my grandma and dad are rejoicing at having my mom with them again.

Just know that we all care about you.

Robinbird

thanx peeps youv alll been very kind and helpfull x x

love an peace 2 you all tracie x x