I don't know what to do. I am bulemic, and I cannot stop. I have gotten the same advice from everyone---- "eat lots of small meals" "exercise"..... but it doesn't work. Once I start eating- healthy food or not-- I CANNOT STOP! I keep eating and eating and eating- everything in my house. I feel guilty and throw it up, but I am gaining so much weight from it. I am just PRAYING that someone will read this that knows what I mean- the normal ideas DO NOT WORK with me. I can wake up in the morning, thinking I am going to eat healthy, and an hour later, I am PIGGING OUT! It's almost like split personality or something- I don't even realize what I am doing. Please, I am begging.. someone help me. I don't know what to do at this point.

Hi there... I don't know what to tell you as far as how to control your binging but it is good that you know you need help and want help and most importantly want to stop... So... I would strongly reccommend that you contact a therapist in your area that specializes in eating disorders... They would know best how to help you.

Good luck,
Rachel

Hi Katie,
I have to agree with Rachel. If you feel so out of control, and you are unable to help yourself, then it is time to let someone else help you. Have you mentioned your bulimia to anyone in your family, or any friends? Have you ever spoken to a therapist before? It can be a little weird at first, but finding someone who is really trained to help you, and having a good support system are the two best things you can do for yourself right now.

I know how you feel, I can get that way too. But I have recently started taking Paxil for anxiety. I do go to a therapist, but she doesn't know about bulimia. I just talk to her about everything else, in hopes that helping with my cause for bulimia will help me cope better. But I am on 20 mg of Paxil and I am doing so much better! Not perfect, but I believe it is helping tremendously. And NOT being bulimic is addictive too - I wake up in the morning and just skip out of bed when I realize that I didn't "do that" the night before. I feel and look so much better. Promise yourself you will not do that. Just one night. Stay busy - go to a movie, anything. And then I promise you will feel so much better after that first time that it will motivate you to stay normal. My thoughts are with you, and it is hard, but please do it for yourself!

I used to get that way a lot-obbesivng about food and just eating and eating and eating. And healthy food doesn't seem to help the craving at all and it's doesn't even some worth having around. I don't kwow what to say to you or what you can do execpt get some help and be honest and talk about what you feel and your rituals or habits.
God Bless.

hey katie.

I know how you feel. I was also bulimic for a point, and I devoured everything in sight. The only thing is that I could never self-induce vomit, and so I really, really gained. I purged in other ways but it didn't really work, and that made me feel really out of control, depressed, and hopeless. But now I'm a lot better. It really does take a loooong time to get over it. I dunno...I think what really helped me was keeping a food log and allowing myself to screw up once in a while. I used to have this mentality where once I ate more than I intended too, then my diet was all screwed up, and I might as well binge cuz i'm not gonna lose weight. Since I was so anxious about gaining weight and self-deprecating about binging, I would ALWAYS binge...cuz thats what triggers it! Anxiety and self-defeating comments. (and other stuff too of course) There are different "remedies" for different people, and some will say for you to eat small meals often, some will say for you to eat healthy, and others will say what I'm saying to you. These are common, successful remedies, but the trick is to find what works best for you. You probably wont see right away if its working or not cuz you'll probably still binge and purge, but give it time to kick in. Allow yourself to screw up bc no one can become well again over night. Take baby steps...and sometimes that means two steps forward, one step back. But hey, if you keep to it, you'll get there eventually, and once you're there, you'll be glad you stuck with it. I don't know you personally, but I really believe you can overcome this, cuz I did (or actually, I should say I'm a lot better), and I was REALLY, REALLY ill. I've attempted suicide, I used to cut, and I was also anorexic. I seriously thought I was going to be among the few who wouldn't make it. But I did, and that really convinced me that people are always stronger than they think. You're a lot stronger...you're just sorta "injured" right now...give yourself some time to recuperate. Hang in there.

Love,

Jenuine

[This message has been edited by Jenuine (edited 05-18-2001).]

Today I looked up the Email addresses of some people who may be able to help me. The problem is that I don't have a car, and I don't have the money for professional help. I am hoping to find an expert who is willing to talk to me online or on the phone to help me get past this. It is so encouraging to log on the day after my post and find five people already who care about me. Please keep responding. It helped me out tonight. This afternoon I went to Rio Bravo, came home, and threw up. I was going to order a pizza and do it again, but I logged on here instead and I've decided not to. Thank you all for your support so far- every little bit helps.
Also- the tendency that you were talking about- if I screw up once, I'm screwed for the entire day, so I may as well eat everything... that is EXACTLY my thought process! HOW do I STOP this?! I am so frustrated. Baby steps....

Katie,
You summed it up yourself when you said "baby steps". The first thing to try and change is the idea of "I already screwed up today, so I might as well make it worse". I know that feeling, I still fight that feeling! Instead of thinking that the whole day is messed up, try and realize that you just ate something you regret eating and that it has no affect on the rest of your day. If you mess up at 3pm, try try try to push it away by 3:30pm so that you continue your day normally. If you can do that, then perhaps you can cut down on the guilt. It isn't super easy, I know, but we all have to start somewhere.

BTW, it was really nice of you to say that logging on helped you. I can't even tell you how much that statement of yours helped me!

hey katie =)
Yea, of course that's exactly how you feel...that's the mentality of us bulimics. At least you know you're not alone. =) (although i'm sure you've heard that cliche a gazillion times.) Anyway, like I said, it took me a long time to stop thinking that way. I guess I started off by commending myself for the little things I did, such as not binging as often or only binging for this long, instead of chiding myself for the things I did wrong. As long as I was taking baby steps and moving forward, then it was ok. I remember before when I'd binge, it always started from eating just a little more than I intended. I'd set a certain number, lets say 1200 calories (since i was dieting like always) and once i went to 1250, I'd start feeling totally out of control. My hands would start shaking, I'd start eating really really fast, taking huge *** bites and barely spending time to chew and savor the taste. Then I'd keep on eating until I just figured, ah f*ck it! (excuse my language, but i really thought that!)well, I kept on gaining weight, and that made me even more depressed and anxious. Becuz of that, i'd binge even more! It was an onward cycle. Then one day something just clicked. I realized that my mentality obviously was not making me lose weight, nor MAINTAIN my weight, so i decided to try a different approach. I started allowing myself to eat more calories, and whenever I screwed up, I just thought, "it's ok. Think of it this way...if you can not let this "screw up" get to you and cause you to binge even more, then that's a step forward in itself." Telling myself that really worked. Or if I STILL binged, then I'd say, "ok, if you can just not binge AS MUCH, then you're going the right way." Or course there were times when I still failed to listen to that, so then I'd just repeat to myself, "Ok, its ok...remember, two steps forward, one step back..." I dunno...eventually, I realized that I was beginning to move forward. (although like a cm. every week!) It really did take me a long time, but I'm glad I was patient. (Usually I'm not at all) Slowly, I started eating less (but in a good way), and I stopped the whole starving crap to compensate for my binges, cuz everytime I did that, I'd be so hungry that i'd binge again, and the cycle would never stop. If not, then i'd use ipecac, and that made me feel like I was gonna pass out. I dunno...so yea, that was my approach to things. Try this and see how things turn out, but allow yourself some time and second chances. And when you do something thats good, even if its like so slight that its practically nothing, congratulate yourself. bulimia is a freakin hard thing to get over, and thus every accomplishment you make, no matter how big it is, you deserve a compliment. I know that you'll eventually see something...whether it be no longer purging, no longer binging on a certain kind of food, or no longer binging 5 times a day...only 4 =). But hey, thats ok right? Cuz we're gonna take baby steps...Hang in there...I'm here fighting with you too.

Love,

Jenuine

[This message has been edited by Jenuine (edited 05-18-2001).]

Hello Katie!
I am suffering from bulemia, too. It sux, doesn't it? I am a lot like you. I will say every day "I'm going to eat healthy today" or "I'm not going to eat much today", and then if I ever give in then it is like I can't stop eating! I hate it! I know exactly what you mean about everyone saying "exercise" and "eat smaller meals". It just isn't that easy! Once you have an E.D. it is like you never look at food the same way. It begins to control you. I will go for a few days and not hardly eat anything at all, and I'll be like "yes, I'm in control. I'm doing so good and not eating". Then there are days where I am like "I wish I would stop eating so much. I'm so out of control". Do you get like that? I throw up everything that I eat, and have been having some bad symptoms from it. My hair is begining to fall out, my nails keep breaking, my teeth hurt, I'm getting sores in my mouth, I'm weak, and my chest and sides hurt so bad sometimes that I don't even want to breathe. I am really dizzy and light-headed a lot, too. Do you have any of them side effects? I've lost some weight, and when I do lose it then I am like yes I'm doing good and losing weight, but then it is like a few days later I'll eat a lot to make up for starving my body the other days and I'll gain back what I lost. I get so frustrated sometimes. I'll exercise a lot if I eat a lot and can't get all of the food to come back up. Do you do that? It is like the guilt kills me! I hate living my life like this. It really sux. I love to play b-ball, and now I am getting so weak that I am barely able to play. Do you play any sport? I did go to my doctor about bulemia last week. My mom made me go. He did some blood work and ran a tube down me to make sure things were still okay. Have you been to anyone about yours? Do your family and friends or anyone know about it? It really may help you to go to a doctor. It will make you feel better about yourself. I didn't want to go at all when mom made me. I felt like I'd let everyone down if they found out about it. And then my doctor just talked to me and he helped me a lot just by talking to me. I am in the process of looking for support groups and stuff. I am scared to go though. I have a major fear of gaining weight! Well I guess I'll stop writing for now. Good luck, and don't feel like you will let people down or anything if they find out. It may help relieve some pressure if you got help and told a few people. Good luck with everything!
Love,
Kaela

Katie,
I'm anorexic and so I know a lot about how to control the amount of food you eat. I only keep small amounts of healthy low calorie food in my apartment. I also keep myself busy~less time to eat. Eating small meals a lot and exercising help b/c they are both healthy and increase your metabolism. Are there stressful things going on in your life right now? Try to relax more. Try to keep busy and concentrate less on food. Don't worry about having a split personality!! Almost all people with EDs feel out of control with food. Therapy helps a lot, have you tried it? They can help without forcing you not to eat or eat less until you're ready.
Lily