I have been doing better and then worse. It depends on the day or week. I think that I'm doing better and go a few days alright, then binge even more than usual.

Why is it that in movies where there is someone bulemic they go in the bathroom and come out like 2 minutes later wiping their already clean face? It took me almost an hour to throw up most of what I'd eaten today. At least I hope that it was most. That's another thing, you never know how many calories ended up leaving or staying. But anyway, it's really very gross and the television just almost glamorizes it or something.

I will be 18 next year and it's my goal to make my adult years better than my teen years have been. That means that in the next months I am really going to work to overcome this. It really is making me miserable even though in some way it's like I really love it. Like I know a secret and can eat without gaining too much weight. Still, I know that it's harming me and that I can't go on like this forever. Plus, I still have to worry about gaining weight sometimes. I would be much more at peace if I could get over my ED.

Cloudy, are you in therapy at the moment? I think it's really good that you're recognizing the part of you that wants to leave eating-disorder free and that the illness doesn't give you the power it wants to convince you that it can convey. The only thing that leads to weight gain (realistically, logically, and from personal experience) is binging or overeating. The ED is lying to you when it tells you that everything you eat will make you gain weight. If you eat "regular" meals, why do you make yourself throw up? It only slows down your metabolism more, making it harder to recover altogether. Anyway, it sounds like you, too, have a war going on in your head and it's probably really important that you separate your own thinking from that of this "monster." The best way to defeat your enemy is to thoroughly know the way in which he operates... We have to keep fighting so we can finally start living the lives we deserve.

Yes, I am currently in therapy and I really do think that it's helping. I'm also on antidepressants. When I binge it's not on regular foods. Like yesterday I ate 1/2 box of cookies, 1/3 carton of premium ice cream, milkshake, and some chocolates. When I overeat I go all out on sweets until I really do feel physically sick. Then I go and try to throw up as much as I can. I have been having times where I can go as long as 3 days without doing it all lately, and that's a real improvement. I do think that I will get over this, but I have a hard time accepting that it's a process and not an instantanious change.

Hi Cloudy,
I agree that it is a process and takes time. It doesn't matter how long, the important thing is that you know this, so this is a good step. I so know what you mean about bulimia portrayed on TV. So unrealistic! It used to take me 1hour-1and 1 and 1/2 hrs usually and same sorts of bad food! I found when I stopped and this took a long time, that my metabolism revved up and now I am going more the other way and losing weight despite eating sort of normally. I seem to need to control my food at them moment just so I can control something. I also used to love the feeling after throwing up but at the same time hate it and feel like a prisoner. Give yourself time and don't be too hard on yourself sometimes these setbacks bring great insight.
Mel