jen1008
09-30-2006, 10:52 AM
Ok,
I sit here at 0300 wide awake and not knowing what to do with myself after being up most of last night and the night before that as well. Why can't my brain just shut down for once without me having to take some kind of chemical help? Why can't I just be normal with normal sleeping habits, normal moods or normal feelings? All I want is to go to sleep and forget about the world if only for an hour or so. Damn all you people who can sleep for 7-8 hours on a daily basis! I'm just venting about how much I hate all this sh**, please do not reply with any advice on how to relax and go to sleep because I guarantee you I have probably tried it. Not to sound mean or anything, but when it gets as bad as it is right now and not even prescription sleeping pills along with alcohol will knock me out, stereotypical advice such as: take a warm bath, drink tea, etc. DO NOT WORK. 30 minutes later and still no better, so I will bid you all farewell for the timebeing, envying all who are comfy in bed sound asleep right now. Maybe tomorrow-(sigh):bouncing:
I sit here at 0300 wide awake and not knowing what to do with myself after being up most of last night and the night before that as well. Why can't my brain just shut down for once without me having to take some kind of chemical help? Why can't I just be normal with normal sleeping habits, normal moods or normal feelings? All I want is to go to sleep and forget about the world if only for an hour or so. Damn all you people who can sleep for 7-8 hours on a daily basis! I'm just venting about how much I hate all this sh**, please do not reply with any advice on how to relax and go to sleep because I guarantee you I have probably tried it. Not to sound mean or anything, but when it gets as bad as it is right now and not even prescription sleeping pills along with alcohol will knock me out, stereotypical advice such as: take a warm bath, drink tea, etc. DO NOT WORK. 30 minutes later and still no better, so I will bid you all farewell for the timebeing, envying all who are comfy in bed sound asleep right now. Maybe tomorrow-(sigh):bouncing:
Sponsor
goody2shuz
09-30-2006, 11:20 AM
Yes, Jen, tomorrow is yet another day and here is hoping that your's includes some sleep.:angel:
NO advice just (((HUGS))) and wishes that your mind will find rest....Goody:wave:
NO advice just (((HUGS))) and wishes that your mind will find rest....Goody:wave:
Ruth6:11
09-30-2006, 11:31 AM
Why can't my brain just shut down for once without me having to take some kind of chemical help? Why can't I just be normal with normal sleeping habits, normal moods or normal feelings?
Honestly, the answer is "Because you have Bipolar Disorder".
People with diabetes get pretty ticked that they can't eat all the sugar they want. Folks with COPD want to be able to run a mile and not be out of breath.
The truth is that you're ANGRY and just feel like it ISN'T FAIR!!
And, it truly isn't fair.
But the only way to shut that brain down is to fight imbalanced chemicals (yours) with chemicals (Rx).
If that diabetic cousin of mine goes a lifetime of having a daily insulin shot, well, maybe I just had to go without being at my own high school graduation, or having children, or having a high powered career.
You are grieving the loss of your health. Your mental health, and the loss of a life the way you wanted to live it.
I've been there Jen. I still feel the loss of things I did not have.
The thing is, because of having bipolar disorder I:
Am definitely more of a character
Have more self-awareness than anyone I know
Have an almost psychic ability for other people's feelings
Don't ever judge people with stereotypes or bigotry
Have made some of the most valuable relationships to me in the world right here at HealthBaords.
The most important thing is to work hard at finding the right meds.
Everything else can actually start falling into place then.
And keep coming here. You'll find that you can help someone else, and that's a pretty good feeling. Not just anyone can truly understand what we go through, right?
Right now I have a headache, I'm menopausal wacko, I have a brother in law who probably has months to live, I have a family wedding today that I am absolutely dreading - -
and YOU managed to take my mind off of ALL of it for a few minutes!
So a BIG hug and a Thank You - please keep needing us, because I sure appreciate you...
Ruth
:angel:
Honestly, the answer is "Because you have Bipolar Disorder".
People with diabetes get pretty ticked that they can't eat all the sugar they want. Folks with COPD want to be able to run a mile and not be out of breath.
The truth is that you're ANGRY and just feel like it ISN'T FAIR!!
And, it truly isn't fair.
But the only way to shut that brain down is to fight imbalanced chemicals (yours) with chemicals (Rx).
If that diabetic cousin of mine goes a lifetime of having a daily insulin shot, well, maybe I just had to go without being at my own high school graduation, or having children, or having a high powered career.
You are grieving the loss of your health. Your mental health, and the loss of a life the way you wanted to live it.
I've been there Jen. I still feel the loss of things I did not have.
The thing is, because of having bipolar disorder I:
Am definitely more of a character
Have more self-awareness than anyone I know
Have an almost psychic ability for other people's feelings
Don't ever judge people with stereotypes or bigotry
Have made some of the most valuable relationships to me in the world right here at HealthBaords.
The most important thing is to work hard at finding the right meds.
Everything else can actually start falling into place then.
And keep coming here. You'll find that you can help someone else, and that's a pretty good feeling. Not just anyone can truly understand what we go through, right?
Right now I have a headache, I'm menopausal wacko, I have a brother in law who probably has months to live, I have a family wedding today that I am absolutely dreading - -
and YOU managed to take my mind off of ALL of it for a few minutes!
So a BIG hug and a Thank You - please keep needing us, because I sure appreciate you...
Ruth
:angel:
dragonprincess
09-30-2006, 03:07 PM
jEN1008 ! I haven't seen u on hear since ,since well i don't know it's been a long time .I hope you are feeling better by know and if not how can I be of service to .Please let me know I have Missed you and was worried.all my support and my prayers are with you .DragonPrincess...
madamkitty
09-30-2006, 07:23 PM
Jen, Here I'll give you a reply vent. Maybe you're lurking and will read it.
I hate this ***t too. I am BP II AND I have rhumetoid arthritis and fibromyalgia. I take 3 types of meds just for my BP, all toll I take 14 kinds of pills a DAY! MY diseases feed off each other, when my RA or Fibro flares up and puts me in pain, my BP throws me in a depression. I had a reaction to a new pain med one of my docs tried and it knocked me out for 26 hours- and sent me straight to hell to boot. I was stuck in the worst nightmares I've ever had in my life and could NOT wake up. Being up at 3AM is nothing new to me, being up for 3 days without any sleep, a weekly thing. I am taking meds to "relax" me before I go to bed, I take meds to make me "sleep", and I take pain killers all day and double dose at bedtime- and still can't go to sleep because the pain running through my body sets my mind racing and won't shut up. There's many a time I've finally said to heck with it, got up and come in here to write a rant on my computer. In a private journal, not where it's on-line, no board or web site would let the things I write stay near them. That is the only way I can work on releasing some of my hostility, anger, frustration etc. I can't work, my rhuemy placed me out of work in Nov 05. I've lost a career I loved, I dreamed of doing that one thing from the time I was 4 yrs old. I did it good too, I got safety awards, I never got a ticket in the last ten years I did it, and I made REAL GOOD MONEY. Now I stay at home, alone except for my cats while my husband is out there still working and having to do it alone. I don't see him except once every ten days. Our income has been cut in half, $325 of that goes to pay for my Cobra Insurance every month while I wait to hopefully get on disability. I might get a phone call 3 times a week from one family member or the other. It's getting to the point that I'm starting to scare myself when I drive to my doctor's visits, so I must be scaring other people on the road. Thankfully, my sister has offered to drive me to the doctors on her days off, so soon I'll be totally off the road.
Damn it girl, pick your chin up off the floor. You have the option of being able to become stable with the right combination of drugs. Do you want to really know what I have to look forward to? A wheelchair. The bones in both feet are disintgrating so fast and there is no way to fuse all the little bones together that make up your feet, mine look like they're being eaten. There are people on these boards that are worse off than me. How we deal with our diseases depends on one person, ourselves. We all have our good days, our bad days and then our really grose days. Once they're over, brush yourself off and say, ok I've done that what's next, and find something to help yourself get thru the next bad time. I keep a cartoon framed over my computer, every time I need something to smile about I look up to see the cutest loch ness monster with a shocked look on his face, looking back at his tail that has a sock puppet on his tail.Find something that makes you smile, put in where you can see it everytime you need to smile. And keep your chin up, you'll get there. I've read that people who have BP for a long time are becomming stable, and staying that way for 20 years and longer.
Remember: While I breath, I hope.:wave:
I hate this ***t too. I am BP II AND I have rhumetoid arthritis and fibromyalgia. I take 3 types of meds just for my BP, all toll I take 14 kinds of pills a DAY! MY diseases feed off each other, when my RA or Fibro flares up and puts me in pain, my BP throws me in a depression. I had a reaction to a new pain med one of my docs tried and it knocked me out for 26 hours- and sent me straight to hell to boot. I was stuck in the worst nightmares I've ever had in my life and could NOT wake up. Being up at 3AM is nothing new to me, being up for 3 days without any sleep, a weekly thing. I am taking meds to "relax" me before I go to bed, I take meds to make me "sleep", and I take pain killers all day and double dose at bedtime- and still can't go to sleep because the pain running through my body sets my mind racing and won't shut up. There's many a time I've finally said to heck with it, got up and come in here to write a rant on my computer. In a private journal, not where it's on-line, no board or web site would let the things I write stay near them. That is the only way I can work on releasing some of my hostility, anger, frustration etc. I can't work, my rhuemy placed me out of work in Nov 05. I've lost a career I loved, I dreamed of doing that one thing from the time I was 4 yrs old. I did it good too, I got safety awards, I never got a ticket in the last ten years I did it, and I made REAL GOOD MONEY. Now I stay at home, alone except for my cats while my husband is out there still working and having to do it alone. I don't see him except once every ten days. Our income has been cut in half, $325 of that goes to pay for my Cobra Insurance every month while I wait to hopefully get on disability. I might get a phone call 3 times a week from one family member or the other. It's getting to the point that I'm starting to scare myself when I drive to my doctor's visits, so I must be scaring other people on the road. Thankfully, my sister has offered to drive me to the doctors on her days off, so soon I'll be totally off the road.
Damn it girl, pick your chin up off the floor. You have the option of being able to become stable with the right combination of drugs. Do you want to really know what I have to look forward to? A wheelchair. The bones in both feet are disintgrating so fast and there is no way to fuse all the little bones together that make up your feet, mine look like they're being eaten. There are people on these boards that are worse off than me. How we deal with our diseases depends on one person, ourselves. We all have our good days, our bad days and then our really grose days. Once they're over, brush yourself off and say, ok I've done that what's next, and find something to help yourself get thru the next bad time. I keep a cartoon framed over my computer, every time I need something to smile about I look up to see the cutest loch ness monster with a shocked look on his face, looking back at his tail that has a sock puppet on his tail.Find something that makes you smile, put in where you can see it everytime you need to smile. And keep your chin up, you'll get there. I've read that people who have BP for a long time are becomming stable, and staying that way for 20 years and longer.
Remember: While I breath, I hope.:wave:
jen1008
09-30-2006, 07:28 PM
Ruth, Goody, and drangonprincess,
thank you so much for your support, i do feel like it's not fair because everythime i think it's all better it comes back to bite me in the ***. I has an appt. w/ my pdoc last monday and told him all of this, so he upped my lamictal and gave me ambien (which doesn't help). Oh well i guess today is a new day, maybe I will go run a couple of miles this afternoon and see if I can fall asleep from a complete burnout. hehe. I remember all of you were there for me last year when i was going through that rough patch with moving then not moving, then finally coming to Hawaii. Well it has been a year on this rock and I guess it's ok. I crashed pretty hard when we got here and had to go stay with my parents for a while...but I'm back and dealing slowly it seems. then again it has only been two years since i have been diagnosed-i guess im just getting used to all this crap. thanks for listening to my ranting :)
~jen
thank you so much for your support, i do feel like it's not fair because everythime i think it's all better it comes back to bite me in the ***. I has an appt. w/ my pdoc last monday and told him all of this, so he upped my lamictal and gave me ambien (which doesn't help). Oh well i guess today is a new day, maybe I will go run a couple of miles this afternoon and see if I can fall asleep from a complete burnout. hehe. I remember all of you were there for me last year when i was going through that rough patch with moving then not moving, then finally coming to Hawaii. Well it has been a year on this rock and I guess it's ok. I crashed pretty hard when we got here and had to go stay with my parents for a while...but I'm back and dealing slowly it seems. then again it has only been two years since i have been diagnosed-i guess im just getting used to all this crap. thanks for listening to my ranting :)
~jen
jen1008
09-30-2006, 07:46 PM
madamkitty,
it is good to know that others have a hard time dealing with life too. I know when I feel it has all gotten to be too much to take, i come here and always find support. even if i don't post, just reading other posts helps me to realize that life isn't as bad as it seems at the time. i just keep truckin and hopefully sometime in the near future i will sleep so maybe i can focus on one thing rather than running around the house while my mind sprints in about a thousand directions all at once. thank you for helping me to see that it will get better even if at times it gets worse.
~jen
it is good to know that others have a hard time dealing with life too. I know when I feel it has all gotten to be too much to take, i come here and always find support. even if i don't post, just reading other posts helps me to realize that life isn't as bad as it seems at the time. i just keep truckin and hopefully sometime in the near future i will sleep so maybe i can focus on one thing rather than running around the house while my mind sprints in about a thousand directions all at once. thank you for helping me to see that it will get better even if at times it gets worse.
~jen
madamkitty
10-01-2006, 01:50 AM
Hey, it doesn't help to bang your head against the wall no matter how much you want to, believe me I've tried in my most desperate moments. Just makes the migraine worse. I get down, don't think I don't. When I try to call someone, like maybe my sister, they can't empathize, she's never had the swings as fast and as hard as I do. she's almost to the point that she can say she's stable, lucky woman. She's the one who keeps pointing out to me that there are other people out there that are worse off than I am. True, it doesn't help much when you've been in a crying mood for 3 days and you catch yourself thinking " enough of this crap", but she mostly backs off, like she's afraid to let me come to her house because it might rub off onto her husband or 17 yr old son. Yes, sometimes I do call at inopportune moments, it's not because I don't care, it's because I've sunk so low that I need that voice on the other end of the phone to ground me in the here and now and drag me away from those horrible places my mind can send me. Never let yourself get so alone that you can't find SOMEONE on the other end of the phone is my best advice. I can tell you over and over to keep your chin up, you've been there before and come thru, but hey, you might be like me and say- shut up I don't want to hear that kind of trash when I feel so low. I just know that thru this board, even when I'm just lurking, I don't feel quite so alone, there's somebody here who knows what I'm going thru. So if you ever need to vent post to me I'll find you. I'm here every evening till about 1 AM and I always check these boards, to see if there might be something new that just maybe help me.:dizzy: Not sure if it will ever happen, but always remember: While I Breath, I Hope.:wave:
Ruth6:11
10-01-2006, 08:06 AM
MadamKitty, YOU are an inspiration!!
While I Breath, I Hope.:wave:
I must admit tho, that every once in a while I just plain hold my breath!
:angel:
While I Breath, I Hope.:wave:
I must admit tho, that every once in a while I just plain hold my breath!
:angel:
mudhound
10-01-2006, 08:35 AM
Mud here, Sleep is needed as much as food & water.
For what it's worth, my wife goes thru periods too that sleep esacpes her. Darn, i hate that. She gets so ????????? during those times.
For what it's worth, my wife goes thru periods too that sleep esacpes her. Darn, i hate that. She gets so ????????? during those times.
jen1008
10-01-2006, 09:37 PM
Well, I actually got about 4 hours of sleep last night which is better than nothing. Thanks all!
goody2shuz
10-01-2006, 09:53 PM
Jen ~ I know that you didn't want any suggestions but I have had some problems sleeping and a friend recommended Melatonin which is a natural supplement that helps with sleep. It is naturally secreted by the pineal gland and helps our bodies sleep. My daughter is Bipolar and it was recommended to me for her since it will not interact with any of the meds and actually works well with people who are Bipolar. I started using it as a guinea pig for my daughter and it really does work. Now I only take half the dose and it works but heard that 3mgs is recommended. You will find this in the vitamin section of your pharmacy or in a health food store.
I just thought it would be worth mentioning. I was told to take it about 30 minutes before I wanted to go to sleep. The good thing about it is that you don't wake up groggy.....it just allows you to get to sleep and I have to say that I sleep like a baby on it where in the past I would wake up 2 or 3 times a night.
Glad to hear that you finally got some sleep.
(((HUGS))) ~ Goody:angel:
I just thought it would be worth mentioning. I was told to take it about 30 minutes before I wanted to go to sleep. The good thing about it is that you don't wake up groggy.....it just allows you to get to sleep and I have to say that I sleep like a baby on it where in the past I would wake up 2 or 3 times a night.
Glad to hear that you finally got some sleep.
(((HUGS))) ~ Goody:angel:
jen1008
10-02-2006, 07:26 AM
Goody,
been there done that...I have tried absolutely everything OTC. Melatonin used to work when I first started taking it. The whole sleeping issue is not so bad most of the time it just seems that lately(the past month) it has been worse. Probably because of stuff that is going on between me and hubby. I want to work this out now because tomorrow night I start school again; 4 hour classes from 530pm to 945pm, and then I have to turn around and be at work by 0645 the next morning. I take adderall for my ADD and when I have classes at night it just makes things worse. I have tried not taking it, but then I can't get anything done at class. I will be graduating in March so it hopefully won't be a problem then...hhmmm 6 months with little to no sleep. This too shall pass. Now I actually do welcome advice, it was just that night I was so irritated that I hadn't slept in like 3 days and friends kept trying to help and noone seemed to understand that nothing would work...I feel a little more sane now. :)
been there done that...I have tried absolutely everything OTC. Melatonin used to work when I first started taking it. The whole sleeping issue is not so bad most of the time it just seems that lately(the past month) it has been worse. Probably because of stuff that is going on between me and hubby. I want to work this out now because tomorrow night I start school again; 4 hour classes from 530pm to 945pm, and then I have to turn around and be at work by 0645 the next morning. I take adderall for my ADD and when I have classes at night it just makes things worse. I have tried not taking it, but then I can't get anything done at class. I will be graduating in March so it hopefully won't be a problem then...hhmmm 6 months with little to no sleep. This too shall pass. Now I actually do welcome advice, it was just that night I was so irritated that I hadn't slept in like 3 days and friends kept trying to help and noone seemed to understand that nothing would work...I feel a little more sane now. :)