Can anyone help me? I feel like I'm running out of inner strenth to fight this.

I was doing soooo well. I've had anorexia/bulimia for 9 years. In January I put myself on a self-help programme. The lapses decreased, I identified my triggers and I was feeling so proud of myself. BUT thru the programme I identified (& finally found the strength to face up to my main problem): I was in an unhappy marriage. Once I had finally realised this (and thru many months of soul-searching and marriage counselling) I knew it would never work. At that point I felt so strong that I decided to leave. I knew it was right for me.

Now I'm staying with a friend. My house is sold & we're going through all the splitting up of stuff. I should be feeling better. But I've now given up work and stay in most of the time. Maybe it's the stress of sorting all this stuff out but now I'm lapsing all over the place and can't seem to get a handle on it. Feels like it's all coming back. I'm scared. Now I feel 'bad' (fat) most of the time. I feel like the weight is creeping back on. I hate myself for this.

I lapsed a couple of days ago and got absolutely smashed out of my head (I usually drink when lapsing). This time I don't remember a thing. God knows how much I ate (certainly feels like I had loads judging by my face & body). When I woke up yesterday I found my book where I had written "Hate me. Upset. Pissed. Hate myself. Fu*k me. Everyone else did. Who gives a sh*t? No-one! It's me vs. the rest. They are stronger than me. I hate me. I'm horrible. No-one cares. I want to die. Yeah! Cool!"

I didn't get out of bed yesterday. I didn't want to get up today either - to face myself in the mirror. I don't want it all to come back. I did, however, make a promise to myself this morning that I will never drink again on my own. So I guess that's positive.

For all you out there fighting your own nightmares, you have my heartfelt sympathy.

I'm hanging by a thread & in desperate need of inspiration to help me through.

Thanks for listening,

Hazel

Ok, first things fist, I'm sending you a hug and a kiss. You came to the best place, we are all here to suport you. But you need to be talkign to a therapist. Your self esteem is falling dangerously low, and you're going to hurt yourself again. PLEASE PLEASE find a therapist to talk to. Come here any time for support but find someone who can really help. And make sure a friend knows about you so he or she can keep an eye out for you. Keep posting to let us know what's going on, especially as soon as you get a therapist.
Lots of luv and luck! And keep eating!
Rachel

Rachel

Thank you soooo much for replying. It's comforting to think that someone took the time and effort.

I know u r right about a therapist. Most of my life my problem was my father and I sorted him out if my head about 4 yrs ago thru hynotherapy. I'm totally resolved about him now and don't see him anymore so he can't hurt me any more. But it wasn't until a couple of years ago that I realised that I was really angry with my mum for letting stuff happen. I never knew all that anger with her was there, I had always said it wasn't her fault because she was in the same (weak) position as me. It really shocked me one night when I just completely flew at her. But it all just went over her head. She says she loves me but she never contacts me to see how I am. She wasn't there for me at Christmas when I was going to OD even though she knew about it. All I've ever done is try to please my parents, be a good daughter, I've always been there for my mum. When I left home I felt guilty & cried myself to sleep for years for leaving her and my young brother there (with my dad). I helped them to escape a couple of years ago and helped them set up a new life. Now she's getting on with her life and never phones me. She has known about my ED for years but it's become accepted that I have it and I cope. This is why it hurts so much. I have a couple of really good friends and my brother is fab but I can't seem to let go of the longing for better parents. U R right - need to sort mum out in my head. I just don't know how much I can cope with at one time, ED, divorce, mum, etc.

Today is a better day. I gunna have breakfast (I eat 3 meals a day but typically less than 500 calories in one day) and then workout. Burn off some of the stress, etc!

Thanks again,
Love
Hazel

Hazel,
my heart hurts for you, thinking of what you've been thru and go through now. It must be hard with all of that to feel good about yourself. I can understand why you feel the need to use food as an outlet. I don't know you well but you sound very sweet, and I hope that you don't let your family hurt you and make you feel down. It must be hard to not have a parent to talk to. I can't even imagine what it would feel like, but is there anyone older than you who you can talk to as a parent?
I think that a therapist is a very necessary idea. You do have things to sort out. Please don't let this hurt go on forever, help yourself fight. We all care about you! We're here to fight with you. Please find a therapist or some help, or get help to find a therapist. If I can be of any help I would love to. And please, tell me what happens.
Lots and lots of luv and luck,
Rachel

Hi again

Thanks so much Rachel and BeeBee for your kind words and understanding. You have no idea how much you've helped. I'm so glad I stumbled on this message board last week.

Well, I've had 3 whole good days now. Back in control. I hate it when I lapse and shove food in like there's no tomorrow and then spend hours with my head down the loo getting it all out again. It really scares me that I've been lapsing a lot in the last couple of months with everything going on. You know, just before this awful period I celebrated the fact that I had one lapse (meaning binge) in 3 whole months! Fab given the fact it used to be almost a daily ritual. Anyway, feeling more positive now that I'm back in control (okay it's only 3 days but, hey, small steps!)

As for the divorce status BeeBee, I left our 'marital home', as they say, 2 months ago. My husband is still living there. Just before I left I put it on the market and fortunately we got a buyer within a couple of weeks. Fingers crossed and all being well we have a completion date of 10 November. Solicitors/lawyers are sorting out the splitting of finances/settlement. My husband and I are sorting out who is having what on the material side of things.

I gave up my job just under 2 months ago because I felt I needed to take time out for me for a change, especially as I wasn't handling stuff very well and lapsing all over the place which makes me feel bad/fat and look bloody terrible so I don't like people to see me when I'm like that.

Anyway, I've gotten positive/focused again (thanks to you guys!) I even went out the house yesterday (!!) to hire a video - Bridget Jones' Diary. Saw it at the cinema some time ago but had forgotten just how funny it is. A real feel-good factor film. Cheered me up no end. Perhaps I'll hire it again next time I'm feeling really miserable.

Anyway, here's to a better week with no binges! I just love it when I'm controlling 'it' rather than 'it' controlling me. That expression springs to mind:

THE DOG IS WAGGING THE TAIL - INSTEAD OF THE TAIL WAGGING THE DOG!!!!!

Works for me.

Hope you all have a gr8 week.

Blimey, I do ramble on a bit don't I? Sorry to take up so much space (if anyone is still reading at this point .....!)

Love,
Hazel