Hey.
I kinda feel guilty at the moment. I seem to be posting frequently. Sorry if u r sick of me by now. U don't even have to bother reading or replyin'.

I have basically had it. I can't stand me or my life and don't know what future I have ahead of me anymore.
My mobile has gone missing. I am pos. I took it to school...it's no where at home so I am really upset...I don't communicate much when I come from school...my mobile is my only sanity!!! I know some people will be thinking 'sad'.

When I came home I just burst into tears.

N e way...this morning I have had:-
Brekkie- a bite of rivita with a bit of butter
and supper:- a hard bolied egg.
Mam left half a can of 'Heinz Veg. soup'. I heated it up, took it upstairs and throw it into the toilet. I feel guilty for having an egg. I am not anorexia or anything...it sounds that way but I am not. I'm 5'0 and 111lbs or something. I know...I need to do something about it!!


Sorry this is a long post. I must b boring u.

Anyway...I went to the nurse at school....just for a chat. I was saying that I couldn't concentrate in class and that I can't be arsed with anything. She thinks that my blood sugar level may be low. How long does it take for it to drop?????? I don't understand!!

N e way...if u have read this far down ...wow!! U actually stayed awake? http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/gabby.gif

Thanx 4 listening

Caroline XXX

Caroline, you don't have to ever apologize for posting, no matter how long! You are a worthwhile human being!

You are at a healthy, good looking weight. You say that you arn't anorexic, well, you may not be super skinny, but you definately have many anorexic tendencies and habits.

Don't give up- EVER! This is only a small period in your life. One day you will be looking back at this time and you will think 'wow, I wasn't really that bad. I wish that I had treated myself better and just learned to enjoy life.'

You feel guilty for eating an egg!? Many other people your height and weight have two eggs and toast just for breakfast. They don't gain weight and you wouldn't either.

Hating and distrusting yourself so much makes the world a scary place. After all, if you can't trust and like yourself, than who can you trust and like? Remember that we all get one life only. This is the only physical body that you will EVER get, so love it or hate, it's yours. You can learn to like it, and make life a whole lot better, or keep on hating it and suffer your whole life.

It's scary to trust you body and be willing to try and like yourself at first. I don't know why really, but it is. It's like you're afraid that you'll like yourself so much that other people hate you and then you're all alone. Well, that never happens! Have you ever seen someone with really high self esteem alone, no matter how ugly they are?

You might feel stupid at first, but make yourself do things that make you feel better, like affirmations, touching the parts of you that you don't like or think are fat and saying something good about them at the same time, etc. I always felt so stupid to dance to the radio because I can't dance at all, but I made myself do it 10 minutes a day to relieve stress, and now I love it! I don't feel stupid at all (unless someone sees me!).

It takes work to improve self esteem and body image. Very few are born with it. Haven't you noticed how older people seem to accept themselves more? It's because they've learned that they're miserable otherwise and it does no good to base yourself on what you think that other people think about you. Why should we have to wait until we're 40 to like ourselves? We can start right now and get that peace that older people have while we're still young (and prettier!).

I think that low self esteem and being so ashamed or ourselves is one of the main causes of eating disorders. Why should I be forced to be miserable unless I live up to someone else's view of beautiful. I'd tell them to go piss up a tree if someone told me that to be liked and pretty I had to cut off all my toes. Well, our society and the obsession with beauty that us girls have isn't any more foolish. We define who we are, no one else does!

Caroline, maybe the easiest thing for you to do in order to get better and start to be happy is come to terms with the fact that you do have an ED. I don't mean to sound mean and I don't mean to scare you, but the things that you say along with the things that you do, especially eating-wise show that you have an ED. And the only way to get help for a big problem is to admit it to yourself first. It's hell to go thru and very sad when you finally come to terms with it. But then you can continue to talk to the nurse, like you so awesomely did, and to other doctors that can REALLY help you. And maybe they can help you be happy again too. Please, even if not for yourself, think abt it for my sake, even tho you have no clue who I am, I feel every bit of your pain and want you to get better like I am doing. I care so much for you. Just think about it. Having an ED might be bad, but it's worse to have an ED and not know about it. Good luck sweetie! I hope you do awesome!
Rachel

I just wanted to say a massive thanks to all of your replies. I was really touched to get your responses, especially when I thought I wouldn't gain any response at all.
At the moment...I can't pick anything good about my bad things. I will try though!:-).
If I did have an ED..I wouldn't want to lose it....it seems a friend to me whatever this is!!!! It comforts me in a way.

Yesterday I had 1/4 a small quiche and 2 small fromage frais yoghurts. I did feel guilty...but I went to college so I did walk a bit of the quiche off!!! :-)

Seriously, thanks for comforting me. Ok, so I maybe don't know u that well but u really feel like great mates anyway.
Sorry, this can't be long....I am in school at the moment and I have got to go.

Love to you all....take care.....thanks a million!!

Caroline XXXXXX

Caroline, think of your closest friends. Did it ever occur to you that unlike your "friend" anorexia, your other friends want to HELP you, not hurt you? They don't make you outwardly happy and miserable on the inside? And unlike your friends, anorexia kills you, most friends I know don't do that. As I write this I'm telling myself it too. I know it's not easy. And it's gonna be hell to get rid of your "best friend". I know, I've tried and am sorta succeeding. But after getting better you'll realize who your real friends are. Please think about it. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif
Lots of luv and luck,
Rachel

Rad... that is a really clever way of putting it. But this 'friend' is like the other half of me...it knows and understands what I feel....it helps me get my own way...and in a way comforts me.
I am trying hard to absorb that word 'anorexia'. Please don't take this the wrong way...in the way I type it (it may come out sarcy but it isn't intended that way...: )....but do you really think a girl who is 5 foot and 7st 13 (110lbs) is anorexic? I am just a normal..supposedily average weight unfortunately. I may be at a healthy weight but doesn't make me feel any better. There's plenty more fat where that came from!!

Loaaaads of luv
CarolineXXXXX

Caroline,

My question is: How can something so destructive be a friend? Friends don't want to make you ill.

I always saw my problem as a part of me. Kinda like left side of the brain constantly fighting with the right side. My head was always spinning. Logic vs. illogical.

Now I try to view it as not part of me. It's on the outside attacking me (and what right does it have to do this to me?) This made me stronger. I could fight it as a whole person.

I'm sorry - but it's not a friend to you.

Hang in there,

Hazel

Caroline, it's good that your at least trying to absorb the word. when i fisrt got diagnosed my dr told me that I should be 112 to be healthy. And I'm 4'10" and a quarter. So, you could be anorexic even tho you weigh 111. And, they told me I was anorexic when I weighed 95 even tho it would seem normal to weigh 95 for a 4'10" girl. So, really, weight means nada. It's a way of thinking and eatng that makes you anorexic. And you have that. i don't mean to scare you, I justw ant you to know. Maybe give it a little more thought. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif
Lots of luv and luck!
Rachel

Rad is completely right. Weight has nothing to do with an ED really. It's only a symptom. The ED is the way that you act towards food, the way you think, and a bundle of other things. You are anorexic because of your mentality even if you aren't starving to death.

Thanx for all of your replies guys!! I do appreciate them. Hurt2deep....I understand what you saying...and what your saying is true but Beebee has kinda hit the nail on the head. That's how I see whatever it is I have...my 'friend'.
I am sorry if I disbelief that I am anorexic. It just doesn't sink in at all. I thought that u had to be skinny!!!!


Thanx alot!!!!
XXXXXXX

LuV Carolinex

Hi Caroline

I do understand about your problem and the thought that it is a friend. I felt that way for about 8 years. But I've read about 3 self help books on ED recovery this year & now I've changed my opinion. I don't want you to think I'm preaching but I would hope that any shared tips on recovery could be of use.

Even though people told me it wasn't a friend, and even after reading it in print I still firmly believed it was, until .... I did an exercise that was suggested in the self help book on listing all the reasons to give up bulimia & all the reasons to stay bulimic (actually, I say I'm bulimic but I'm a bit confused if it's that or anorexia, anyway ...) Under reasons to give up I then had sub headings "practical gains to self", "practical gains to others", "self approval" and "social approval". Under reasons to stay bulimic: "practical loss to self", "practical loss to others", "self dissaproval" and "social disapproval".

I wrote one practical loss to self: "It's scary to let go of something which has stood by me for so long (in other words my "comfort" or "security")."

All in all, I had written 26 reasons to give up bulimia and 5 reasons to stay bulimic. Hence the reasons to embark on the self help programme. Written against my entries for reasons to give up bulimia, I realised it was not a friend, it was destructive.

There are other ways to find comfort. Comfort should make you happy, not miserable.

Hope this helps and hope u r having some beta days.

Love,

Hazel