I guess I'm suffering depression but never spoken to anyone about it. I used to get depressed about stuff and even wanted to end it all a few times as a teenager. But the last few years have been ok until now. My mum suffered from it and I'm sure was on medicaton. She died 2 months ago. We were very close and it came out of the blue and I'm not sure I'll ever get over it. She was the one person who kept me going and would always be the reason I wouldn't do anything stupid as couldn't do that to her.

I quit my job in the summer and have been playing poker to earn some money. But that's not working out and I'm fed up with it now. My mum going just makes everything ten times worse. I don't know if I can get myself a job, I basically have no money left and I'm not sure I'll be able to live where I am much longer. I get into a rage at any setback, am lonely and can't be bothered to get up in the morning or go out and function normally.

So it's got to the stage where I'd rather not be around as nobody would miss me and my life is terrible. Though deep down I'm sure I won't do anything stupid. When times are good you think how stupid you were for having those thoughts. I don't think I've ever felt so low and don't want another setback to send me further into despair. Am I just too sensitive and lacking motivation. :confused:

Mike,
We've all been there.. or in similar situations.. or I know I have anyway. And I can completely relate about the mom thing (I think she is the main reason I don't end it all, as well)..
If you haven't told anyone, that in itself can make it a LOT worse.. if you can go for counseling, that would make a HUGE difference. You might want to try calling one of those suicide hotlines to get some advice there on how to go about it??
For now, hang in there.. we're here for you!

Mike - I truly understand those feelings and I hope you stay strong and positive whatever obstacles you encounter in life. Just remind yourself that you are not alone in this world, there are other people who loose their love ones as well, and I'm sure your mother would like to see you enjoy more in life rather than seeing you feeling helpless and miserable.

I agree with wanderingsould - you need to discuss this with a counsellor because when you talk about how you feel with someone, you tend to feel ALOT better rather than burrying those feelings deep in your heart which eventually could explode.

Perhaps, going to church, or find a motivational tape to listen to and practice deep-breathing techniques might help you.

Once you feel better, getting a job (ie waiter/sales assistant etc ) is the only way to keep you motivated in life. With all the distraction of working, there's no time for negative thoughts to flow in your mind.

Keep us posted..and take care

Im sorry to hear about your mom Mike. You just lost your best friend and 2 months is a very short time. Give yourself time to grieve. If you are sad or mad, allow yourself to feel those things. Don't ignore them. Remember her and how much you loved each other. Smile when you thing of all the good times. I'm not trying to tell you what to do, but try to express how you feel when you feel like expressing your feelings. If you push them to the back of your mind, they will only come back stronger later. Give yourself time. Everyone is different. I don't think anyone ever gets over a loved one's death, but it gets easier to live with it as times goes on. Im so sorry again Mike and I wish you the best.

Wow.. I'm really sorry, I feel like such an idiot.. I can't believe I didn't notice about your mom dying!!!! (This is typical of me, to miscomprehend things sometimes...) I am sorry for saying I can relate about that, because obviously I can't, my mom is still alive.

Anyways, I'm really really sorry... and I hope you do seek counsel. *hugs*

I feel sorry to hear about your mom.

It's best to get someone to talk to about your feeling. don't keep it inside or it will snowball and finally explode. I am sure you have helpline there, like Samaritan. I used to call helpline at my local area to share my feeling.

I know it's hard to stay positive under such circumstances, but positive thinking does help. you will find it may be no use or hard to even have a positive thought now, however, you'll feel better.

things may look worse BUT it will get better. Now, i learn look at thing many sides. If I hit rock bottom, I'll tell myself that I am already in the rock bottom, there is no where to go but bounce back.

I hope you'll get better and remember that don't feel lonely, cause there is this forum to keep you warm. I'll keep you in my prayers.

Well I know how you feel about not wanting to get up in the morning due to depression. This doesn't address all of the things you mention but one thing to consider is maybe getting a job where you don't have to get up in the morning. Maybe second shift or something. I've always been that way about not being able to get up and go to work in the morning. I had worked full time for many many years having to be to work at 7 am. It was hell for me. Once I started looking for jobs where I didn't have to be there until about noon it made a huge difference for me.

Thanks for the replies. Have felt a bit better lately but don't see any way I'll see anyone about it as that just isn't me. I don't even have a doctor. I don't really feel I fit in any more either as have no desire to socialise and when I do, my mind can wonder off and think about things which makes me look miserable and not great to be around. Even people who are introduced to me have said I look 'too serious', 'grumpy', and 'look like I'm giving them evils'. It's said in a friendly way but makes me wonder whether I'll ever snap out of it and be happy.

Maybe I'm just different but I'm not inspired with any confidence about the future. I suppose I'm scared I'll be alone forever, friends will drift away and I'll never settle down with my own life. Because if you can't do that then what's the point?

There are things I found about my mum and family lately which I keep thinking about and asking questions. Like why was I in care when really young along with my other brothers. And why were we never told my mum had a still born girl whose grave was never visited. My brother says I should just think about the future now and stop looking at the past. But that's what's made me who I am now.

The only positive from all this, is that we're finally in touch with another brother after 15 years. And he has a nice young family and made a great life for himself.

I just wish I wasn't so insecure, unmotivated, shy and paranoid.

Mike, the only way that things are going to get better is if you help yourself. You can help yourself by going to get a therapist. If you choose not to do this, this is your choice. But you do have the power to make things better, you just have to decide that this is what you are going to do. Don't be a victim, take control of your life.