Somebody please help me! One of my mums friends saw me when I was buying diet pills about two weeks ago, and today she told my mum!!!! To make matters worse, my mum looked through all my stuff while I was out and she found my lunch that I had hidden in my closet. I don't even know how to describe how I'm feeling at the moment, I hurt so much inside. I can't stop crying. My mum knows my secret, it was all I had. I can't stop thinking about suicide. I know I probably wont. My mum was so angry at me. She didn't even understand me. She knows I haven't eaten breakfast or lunch for a long time now. BUT IT WAS MY SECRET AND SHE TOOK THAT AWAY!!!! I really want to tell someone about this. Not my mum, but somebody else that isn't allowed to tell her, but I don't have the guts!!! I'm so nervous I feel dizzy. My life is ruined. I just wanted to get skinny but I wasted my chance. I failed.
I cut myself this evening. Long and deep. I have bruises all over my arms and in a strange way, it brings me comfort. I can't explain it. I know how sick it sounds. Please!!! Somebody, anybody? Tell me what I can do to make this feeling go away. Please?!!! I'm so sorry this post sounds so desperate but that's how I feel. I hope reading it doesn't get anybody else down.
-Ashlee http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/frown.gif

Hi Ashlee

I understand the panic that you feel when something (ie: your mom finding out) comes up that can jeopordize your ED. But really, it's a positive thing, even though it feels completely opposite! If your mom knows, perhaps you can start talking to her about how you're feeling. And she's angry because she's worried and loves you, and doesn't quite know how to deal with the situation. Wouldn't you be upset if your daughter was on a secret mission to self-destruct? Rememebr that things can't suck forever, too. That helps me sometimes, to take a deep breath and think "10 years from now, this little bump in my life isn't going to mean anything." I find it difficult to be suicidal (which is a good thing) when I'm aware that my huge problem of the moment isn't going to last forever - at some point it WILL be over, you know? Can you talk to a counsellor? I know you don't want to, but I will if you will, okay? Hehe, just a little bribe http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif . . . Anyway, don't give up hope, try to see the good part of the situation, and keep us all posted. Take care

Fiona

<<HUGZ>> 1st:- calm down. Listen, I know EXACTLY what u feel like. The nurse at school broke the confidentiality <she kinda had to>. She said that she was gonna have to coz I was putting myself in danger by throwing up/eating normally/starving/diet pills etc. I had one week to tell her before a letter reached her house. Thankfully, I talked my way out of it.

I am thinking of ways to get you out of this. I felt anxious, nervous, annoyed and I felt asthough I couldn't eat.
She never found food in my bedroom. But, can u not say something like "I didn't want u to know that I hadn't eating...I didn't want u to freak out I was just not hungry"...or something. I dunno...that sounds crap don't it?? Just say that u wanted to lose a few lbs..and you heard from your friends that these help you a little?????

Don't even think of suicide. It ain't worth it...it's the fools way out in the long run but it seems a great option in the short run!! I cut myself now and again. Itwill relieve your guilt/pain etc...but u will regret the scarring. And...think about it....it would be hard to get yourself outta that if someone like your Mam saw them/it!!

Take care of yourself...if u need me...then e-mail or something!! Don't feel alone! We are all here to help!!!!

carolinefell@hotmail.com

Love
CarolineXXXXXXXXX

Ashlee, I know it's hard to believ and you probbaly think I'm talking total crap now, but what happened is good. You will now get help. Real necssary help. I'm here if things are hard. I'm sad that you cut yourself, it hurts me to think that you hurt yourself. But things are gonna get better now, I know it. One day you'll thank your mum's friend. You prob want to hit me right now but i really mean it-it happened to me too last year and it saved my life. I iwsh you all the best, and would love to here from you if necessary.
luv and luck, http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/heart.gif
Rachel

Thank you so much, all of you.
I'm still feeling pretty miserable right now. But not only about me, but my friend too. Somebody told on her aswell, and she is in a lot of trouble. Her parents are making her go and talk to a councellor. She is so unhappy, she really doesn't want to go. She was actually crying when she told me, I've never seen her do that before. I can't help feeling it was all my fault. And don't say it wasn't because I know it was. I'm always the one skipping every one of my meals, when no one is watching, going for runs so long I hardly have the energy to stand when I stop, and taking diet pills before I eat. She knew all that and it probably made her think she needed to lose weight too. But she most definitely did NOT!
Anyway, my mum hasn't said anything to me about my 'dieting' at all today. I think she thinks that now she knows about it, it's all over, that all of a sudden I don't want to lose anymore weight. But it's not like that. I still hate the way I look.
To make things worse, I have no idea who told on me! It's kind of scary, in a way. I hope so much that my friend's parents wont tell my mum about the councelling that she is going to. I would die of embarressment if I had to go there with my mum! And thanks for the ideas but I don't think my mum would really believe any excuses I gave her.
Sorry for going on so long. I hope everything is going OK with everyone else on this board.

-Ashlee

http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/frown.gif http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/frown.gif http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/frown.gif http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/frown.gif http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/frown.gif

By the way, Fiona, PLEASE don't stop yourself from getting better just because I'm acting like an idiot. It's not fair on you, you said you would go so PLEASE do!!

Fiona and rad had some good advice. I don't think that lying to your parents even more would help much right now.

There have been times when my parents found out stuff that I was so scared that they found out I thought about killing myself. I'm so glad that I didn't though. Looking back, they were very difficult times to get through, but things always turned out for the better.

For example, my mom found out I was throwing up and I was scared to death until she told me that she had bulimia in college. I was totally shocked, but I'm so glad that she found out because it made us closer.

I also wrote a fake note and got out of school, but my parents found out. I felt so aweful because I never do stuff like that, but my parents talked to me (as much as I just wanted to hide) and now my class load is easier and they don't pressure me about school. So only good has come even though I wanted to die.

If you will just give this one month, I'm pretty sure that things will get better. Are you close to either of your parents? Are they understanding and loving sorts? That really helps if they are willing to admit that you have a problem. Sometimes it's easier for parents to ignore it because it scares them, so they do. Who was it on the board who said they finally told a parent and then they didn't even believe them? I don't know, but trust that this will all be okay in the end, as http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/dizzy.gif as this all seems now!

Thanks CloudyDaze.
I'm not really close enough to either of my parents to be able to tell them anything. It's just too uncomfortable for me to be able to talk about something like that with them. It's not that they're horrible parents or anything, they just don't seem to understand me that's all.
I really want to believe you that life will get better soon but it's hard sometimes, you know? It sure hasn't gotten any better over the past year and a half, that's for sure.
I don't know what I'm supposed to do now. My mum's always there now while I'm eating breakfast and dinner, and eating so much just makes me want to run to the bathroom and throw it all back up again. I haven't even been running in about 4 days! That's the longest I can remember not running for in a long time and it makes me feel so crap for not going. I don't know why I don't.
Anyway, good luck everyone else. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif

Ashlee

Ashlee, how old are you? Something that helps me to get back to reality is to remember that I can always lose weight before I go to college if I am miserable, so I can relax a little right now and "experiment" with the way that I look.

This is miserable for you now, but it is acually something that is positive. Is there any way that maybe you could use all this to grow closer to your mom/parents? That's what happened with me. We never really talked about anything serious until my EDs started and mom found out. That is another positive of all this for me; my mom and I closer that we would ever have been without all this.

ashlee,
Lots of hugs and kisses!!!
once again this is becky and i can relate to you here too. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE E-MAIL ME!!!!!! in response to your other post that i responded to, like i said b/f i am proud of you for telling us, now YOU have the power to get help now, and i know you can and will...ashlee i dont even know you and i love you to death-dont kill yourself!!!! I will cry-TRUST me you dont want to attempt suicide-been there tried that-cuz later you just have a grudge against yourself b/c you did.I still have that grudge and can NEVER EVER forgive myself for it...i dont want to see yourself in the same position...My parents hospitalized me and i was there for two weeks-it sucked sooooo bad-but it helped me so much-so i want you to take the initiative to seek counceling b/c i dont want the same life for you.I LOVE YOU ASHLEE AND I'M HERE FOR YOU!!!
becky

Hi everyone.
I'm 16 now, CloudyDaze, and I have thought about that before, that once I go off to University (College?), it will be up to me to do what I want, and no parents there to stuff things up! I just can't see what the problem is with me dieting now too, if that's what I want, because that's when I'm happy.
I'm happy for you that you can talk to your mum about stuff now, CloudyDaze, but I really am too embarressed to!
Becky, that was really nice of you to say, and I was planning on e-mailing you, I just don't want to bother you and I don't always know what to say. You can e-mail me too, if you want.

-Ashlee
e-mail: lonely_fairy_@hotmail.com