i have never went to a doc, but recently more stuff has come out, and i feel like something isnt right. im a bit confused about autism, there seems to be so many variations from severe to mild,some people can just show so different unstereotypical symtoms-which makes me wonder about me.

ill start with me as a child. in school i was quiet,shy, i dont remember thinking much, i was just there, afraid of teachers. i was seen by pupils as weird, didnt have freinds(just the one), i never understood why-i was just different. i laughed at different things, i found there company boring and dull and we just wernt on the same wavelength. i was a daydreamer big time, always being in work, in detention most days for this, parents were always talking to teachers.

at home i was a nightmare. i kicked, screamed, punched and threw things, banging on the floor, i threw myself at doors, kicked the walls-stuff like that. but my parents wernt pushovers who let me away with things, whatever they said just had no effect. like last night my dad commented on how many times she said no, smacked me or anything i was unbeleivably persistant and just kept saying'please', i repeated this for up to an hour or more, it was nothing to me, i woke ther whole house up in the early hours of the morning cos i would not stop saying 'please,please,please' over and over(i was scared at night and wanted in with them), but it was just in a monotonous tone over and over regardless.

ive always bin shy, even today im the same. i take panic attacks if i have to stand up and talk publicly. i just cannot really meet new people. its like my brain just switches off and i forget what to ask, i say silly things, sometimes it makes sense to me but not the person, i just dont know how to act to them, or how they are percieving me(im paranoid about that). i am actually sarcastic and have a wide sense of humour-im fine with my freinds, but then my mom said last night(we were taking about my autistic older cousin) that i sometimes dont get jokes or pick up(i think i do though). im also very perceptive and analytical-which ususally isnt what autistics are like so im told.One thing thought everyonme says i do, i look at the floor or not at the person in the eyes when i speak, if im looking at them i look at their mouths not their eyes, it makes me uncomfortable, sometimes it feels like my eyes just cant stand to look at them.

one major factor is the overly analytial and obbsesions i enjoy. they arent sexual i just get obbsessed with a person, band or tv show, i spend hours, days lasting weeks day dreaming obbsesing about it and the people, make up freindships in my head, and research it for hours on the net-till the obbsesion moves on. ive also been known to close drawers and pull out plugs and switches also though.i get things like having to tiwcht or tense muscles too, in a certain order to a tensity.about talking, i talk very very fast no one really understand at times, other times i talk so low you cant hear me, i do have a habit of interupting, i can be impatient but then as well sometimes i hear a break in the converstaion and i just jump in when they havnt finished, i think people sometimes think just talk about myself.

about the routine thing, im easy going i think. the only thing that bothers me is if its something i really wanna do, like my karate. if someone decides im not going, i cant go or something i get so upset. i cry a little bit(how sad), i get so angry i just shake and its almost impossible to hold in.im known to have anger outburst from tijme to time, major screaming matches. i thought i was easy going but some have recently told me i get upset easily if something goes wrong or changes, i just get all jumped up and jittery or something or upset.

well that about some me up,. im crap socially, as day dreamer,weird and twitchy and can be a ***** to live with. what do you think?its just some people have talked to have informed me of aspergers, but i dont fit some parts. i thought you guys could fill me in more or give me your opinion please, id really appreciate it. thanx xox

Well, pucca chick, you KNOW what I think... ;) My opinion comes from your description of your obsessive fixations and the fact that you get upset when you cannot pursue your fixations and/or if you have to quit in the middle, unexpectedly. I do the exact same thing. My mom has started realizing it more, but not quite all the way, yet. Like yesterday, my mom came up to my dorm to visit for a day and do laundry, and we were watching the new episode of one of my favorite shows, and suddenly she said, "Okay, we have to go check the washer, now." I just started being nastier to her. I didn't even realize the connection... Again, if you have any specific questions, you can always ask me. :angel:
-GatsbyLuvr1920-

hey thanx-you really are a big help :) im just soo confused, sometimes i think im kidding myself and im just weird. i have no comparison, i dont know if i think the same way as others. about the changing in routine, is it always obvious? see i get annoyed like i said in a change if someone interupts something like a fixation-karate.

what are you like socially. see i am fine with freinds i think, i just cant tell if maybe they just accept me, and all my quirkyness, i know my freind rachel just laughs at whatever i do or say at times when others are sorta not laughing or finding my general soical 'all over the placeness' strange or hard to follow. my dad calls it random, thougths that have no connection whatsoever.i find infront of people also i cant put sentences together well at times-maybe thats just social anxiety, but i know that can sometimes derive out of autism or something. i am different and sometimes i describe things in such a way that only i can follow or make sense of-but ive just stopped saying it now.

i feel stupid at times for getting so worked up about not going to karate or something thats bothered me. i once got really angry, shouted and then thoguht a buscuit my bro was eating at the wall, then went upstairs and started to cut. i hate things like when im making my own diner(which i always do-cos i like doing it myself), and mom decided she was making everyones, i still have to make my own, it really pisses me off were i wanna cry and its so stupid. or when i made something stupid for tea, then they get a carry out and then i dont get it either cos once ive had dinner i cant have another dinner-i get pissed off cos no one told me and they were supposed to just make theyre own. one more thing when my freind says he will pick me up for karate and then rings to change his mind i am furious)dont tell himk this), i get so nagry and again want to cry. is this your type sorta symptoms-subtle or am i just be an asswhole?

one more small question. is it weird that if you like say a song or film to listen to it on repeat for hours. ive watched an episode of charmed that i got obbsesed with 14 or 15 times in one day just over and over, and the rest of the time i was thinking about it, i loved it though.then i moved onto somethign else. i know as a child i would watch mary poppins over and over and repeat all the lines over and over and the song all the time-this is probably normal child behaviour though. anyway, ill probaably pester you with more questions again when you reply lol. :) thanx xox

What am I like socially? Well, I'm one of those Aspies who has friends, but doesn't really like to be around them. I mean, I have fun with them and all, but I'd just as well have fun by myself. In any case, no matter how much fun I have with my handful of friends, I will inevitably get to a point where I need to get away, where I can stand them no longer. (With crowds of my peers that I'm not friends with, the annoyance starts in a matter of minutes- with my friends, it's hours.) I have always gotten along much better with adults, as most Aspies do, because I've always been more mature for my age and because adults are much more intellectual and interesting to talk to. My friends are always intellectuals, and the majority of them are guys, even though I've never been on a date, as you already know. Girls tend to be much more superficial and into things that I could care less about. At any rate, when I'm with my friends, I talk about intellectual things. I might talk about neuroscience with my one (of two) good friends up here and 1940's politics with my other friend. Truthfully, my best friend up here is my geeky, awesome chemistry professor, who's obviously an Aspie himself and has a daughter with Asperger's. He's the only person who truly does understand me and he's sooo freakin' funny! I'm happiest when I get to hang out with him. I don't have an actual class with him this semester, but I TA for him every other Friday, so at least that's something. I had so much fun this past Friday when I TA-ed for him. He's the only teacher I've ever had who actually understood my learning style and knew how to help me overcome its difficulties. As I said, I could have just as fun by myself- my friends are really just a sounding board for me to talk about my fixations. When I'm in a particularly giddy mood and need to talk and talk and talk, then I'll go and search out one of my two friends here. It's all about when I want to go see them, though. For as long as I can remember, there have always been two groups of people: those who like me because of my quirkiness and eccentricities and those who hate me for the same reason. I'm either pegged as "weird" or "captivating." :rolleyes: There's absolutely no in-between. Yes, I suppose listening to the same song or watching the same TV show/movie over-and-over again is "weird," but that has never stopped me... ;) I do the same thing, don't worry. I tend to do it more with movies than TV shows, but songs are always there, too. My latest movie fixation is Ferris Bueller's Day Off. It's not nearly as big of a fixation as some of my others, but I had to watch it twice in the same day once. By far, my biggest movie fixation is A Beautiful Mind, which is just one of my biggest fixations to begin with. I watch certain scenes over-and-over again so I can internally incorporate, not just the dialogue, but also the intonation and accent that the dialogue is said in. Then I repeat the scenes out-loud when I'm by myself. It can be while I'm alone in my room, walking to class, in the shower, whatever. I have an uncanny ability to mimic voices (which I think would be a form of autistic echolalia), so it's very fun to do the scene perfectly. I also do the gestures and facial expressions. I listen to the soundtrack over-and-over again as a tension-release mechanism when I become overwhelmed and begin "stimming" (I did this very afternoon) and I listen to it to relax. There's also a few songs on the soundtrack that directly correlate to a scene in the movie, so I can do the dialogue right in synchrony with the music. When I first hear a song that I like, I'll listen to it over-and-over again. For catchy songs, I tend to get stuck on ones with cleverly rhymed lyrics and those that have seven syllables. If I can't get it out of my head, it probably has seven syllables. One example is Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire." I was fixated on that for a solid week, until I memorized the lyrics perfectly. History facts and seven syllables. :D Recently, I've been listening to Wayne Newton's "Danke Schoen" because I heard it in Ferris Bueller. I hope this was sufficient. If not, let me know... :angel:
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