Hi everyone,

I seem to have no control over my life at the moment. Work, study is full on and the only way I can handle things is to restrict myself. Yet now I 've started eating like mad and am worried I may go back to bulimia. Getting sucked back in to that feeling of control when everything is so out of my hands. I could just cry all the time because I know I'm building a big dam behind a wall that could burst any moment.
Mel

Mel, I'm so sorry that you're going through such a rough time. Try to do as much "self-talk" as you can when you get overwhelmed. Remind yourself that bulimia will only take away even more of your time, and that ristricting will make you so tired that everything will be extra hard.

Work to find ways to feel under control w/o an ED. Something that really works for me when I want to go back to the ED thing is to organize and clean. I feel such accomplishment afterwards and I really feel in control.

Imagine your life at Christmas break. Do you want to be back in your own little world of EDs or out enjoying the holiday and friends and just life in general? I like this piece. Sorry it's so long... http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif

-The Future You-

The person you are to become, is always watching the person you are right now. The image you have of yourself tomorrow, depends on the actions you watch yourself take today. The confidence with which you live next month, will be based on the integrity of your actions this week.

You can hide and conceal things from just about anyone, but the person you are to become is always watching. And that person's opinion of you will play a major role in your life.

Will you be proud tomorrow of what you did today? Will your future self find strength in your present actions and attitudes? Will you learn from your mistakes and from your successes? The you of tomorrow is watching, waiting, hoping and depending upon the you of today.

Live each moment like someone is watching. Because someone is watching, someone who can make you or break you. Live so that the person you become in the future can look back with gratitude and admiration at the person you are right now.


"Desire is the key to motivation, but it's the determination and commitment to an unrelenting pursuit of your goal – a commitment to excellence – that will enable you to attain the success you seek."
– Mario Andretti

Hi Cloudy,
Thanks for your words of wisdom. It is all so true what you said. I am doing ok just scared I am eating more and more with fat cravings- dougnuts and chips! great. Yet the fear of doing something is just that. We can control our actions if not thoughts. I am working on the self talk right now so very perceptive of you! The whole negative schema - dangerous self talk can eat you up and literally as we know with bulimia. How are you going?
Mel

Hi Cloudy,
Thanks for your words of wisdom. It is all so true what you said. I am doing ok just scared I am eating more and more with fat cravings- dougnuts and chips! great. Yet the fear of doing something is just that. We can control our actions if not thoughts. I am working on the self talk right now so very perceptive of you! The whole negative schema - dangerous self talk can eat you up and literally as we know with bulimia. How are you going?
Mel

I really have to work on my self-talk. I'm getting better at it though. I have a tendency to try and eat too little between binges. I've been working on telling myself that I'd better eat enough if I want to put off/ avoid the next binge.

Affirmations really help me to. I feel so much better just telling myself that I am already something that I want to be. Then I have to try and live up to what I tell myself that I am! For instance some of my affirmations are-

I am at peace with the fact that there is nothing that
I can do to change the past. I choose to make positive changes today and know that I control my future.

I feel comfortable and at home my body. I enjoy moving and getting exercise whenever possible.

I am responsible for my life and always maintain the power I need to be positive and have joy, despite all other factors in my life.

I am always productive and my work is always recognized positively by myself and others.

I can imagine my life the way that I want it, free of food compulsions and comfortable with myself, and therefore have the power to achieve this life.
I am finished blaming others, situations, and myself for the way that I eat. I will take action minute-by-minute, hour-by-hour, and day-by-day until I can eat normally again.
“Where there’s a will, there’s a way.” I have the power to achieve anything that I really want and push myself to get!

I am open, honest, and completely myself around all other people!

I like being in new social situations and am comfortable meeting new and different people!

I am adventurous, spontaneous, outgoing and fun. I am always up for a challenge and willing to try new things.

“Seek and you shall find.” I have the ability to develop a close relationship with God, my creator. I look for Him in all things.

I speak positively about myself and my situations.

I lead a healthy, fun, and active lifestyle.

I enjoy being around others and developing my friendships.
People enjoy being around me, too, and I always have a good time around friends.

I am an energetic, optimistic, and joyful person with a good sense of humor.

I enjoy exercising, eating right, and taking care of my health.

I know what needs to be done and never put things off that can just as easily be accomplished in the present.

My life has a purpose and I have goals that I am working for and growing closer to achieving every day.

Anyway, thanks for asking how I am http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif! I have actually been doing very well. Today is day 3 with no binges/purges! Last week I did it every single day so I have more of a drive to do better this week because I am sick of wasting all of my time eating and puking. Plus, tomorrow's Friday http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif!

When I have cravings I have been able to work through them some how. I just ask myself where giving into cravings (even just a bite) leads me, and I face that the answer is that it always leads me to a binge. I am just trying to totally avoid ice cream and cookies for now if at all possible. I have no trouble with being hungry and not eating, it's the cravings that always do me in.

Well, I have to get going now because I have counseling to get to! Talk to you later!

Hi Cloudy,
Hope councelling went well. You are doing great this week and I am finding your affirmations really helpful. Especially about how I can't change the past and I do need to stop dwelling on it and beating myself up and stop trying to be perfect. Such a futile quest but yet so easy to get sucked in to trying to be everything. Its such a hard cycle to break the bulimia is probobly helping you aviod the self talk and it might be time to go forward and tell yourself it's ok to binge and it's not your fault, it's addictive and you are making good progress which is better than I was when I threw up daily or even twice a day for about 4 years. Sometimes allowing yourself some leeway can lead to the realisation over time that you don't actually need it just some new self talk strategies. You are so possitive in the face of this and I think this will enable you to move beyond this temporary solution. Is it about pain? mine was and lack of understanding. Sometimes giving up control can set you free - such a cliche but there is some truth in surrender and accepting these things all happen so that we can learn more about ourselves in this difficult process. Yet wisdom takes some pain and I'm sure you are having pain in limiting the binges. It was like losing a friend to me and maybe you could be more of a friend to you. It sounds like you are to everyone else but you are the only one that can truly help you (you know this)and I hope I can help to with support.
Mel

It's really like losing a part of me. I feel less like me and I really have to work at telling myself that I'm still me and to face reality. It's very strange. I feel like I have a mask on that's even hiding me from me! You are right about being more of a friend to me. I'm not really very kind to myself. I would never let someone else treat me as badly as I treat myself. You are a great support and it really means a lot for me to have you here! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/heart.gif There are lots more people here who restrict more than binge/purge, so I really feel like I can relate to you better than some of the others. (Deep breath...) I will be okay today! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif

Hey Cloudy,
Hope you had a good day. But if you didn't thats ok too(be the friend stuff)and your right about it feeling like losing part of yourself. For me it is still part of me (always will be) that I'm trying to integrate with all the other parts. Being kinder to yourself definetly helps and I can see you deserve this. You seem to give so much and your insights have really helped me. I understand how painfull it is almost too painfull! But remember part of it may relate to your high self standards and like me that self talk that can eat you up. Kind words and be ok with you no matter what. You are ok even if you do binge. Its almost like expressing all your feelings that are too hard to feel or come to grips with. But to have this insight is a valuable skill and you could get it out in your writing which I hope your doing. Just keep expressing and go with things no matter how afraid you are. This helped me and even though it was painfull I started caring alot more about myself and this way you can help others more. Do something nice for you today and don't measure yourself against the ED. It's not you just a part needing attention and love not criticism. How are you doing with everything?
Mel

I haven't had a proper chance to read the replies to your post...sorry u guys...so if I repeat anything then I am very sorry!!!!
Reading this...kinda shocked me....it was like a mirrored feeling of myself. I feel out of control. I can get ontop of the work load I am getting in school...Im in 'The 6th Form' so there's a lot to do. I can't be arsed with it either!!!
I used to throw up all of the time...and when I stopped (coz the nurse was gonna threaten to tell my Mam!). It was hard...and I am tempted to do it again!!! I just wanted to let u know u aren't alone!

Love CarolineX

Hi Caroline,
Thanks for letting me know you how you feel. It always helps to know others can relate. Do you still throw up or do you now restrict more. It's always hard when other people try to stop you. My Dad used to try and keep the bathrooms locked so I had to go outside or to my room. It's hard not to be angry when your secret is discovered. My mum was really supportive about my ED and this really helped. Hope you can talk to someone and take it easy because this is a hard time for you with study and it does not help having pressure and an ED. Take care.
Mel