maraboo
10-02-2006, 01:16 AM
where to start? thats the hard part..... well i'll start out by saying i'm not bipolar... i have a very best friend who is. I'm in a ****** position at the moment, i only have contact with her mother who is the only one that she'll let in her house for weeks now. I don't know what to do and i feel utterly helpless... i want so badly to help her, i want so badly to make her WANT to live and i want so badly for her to let me be there for her.........none of which i can do at the moment. She has already tried to commit suicide once about 2 years ago, so i know she is capable of doing it again. I'm scared and i dont' know what to do....... she's very right when she's said in the past that i'd just never understand that i don't know what its like to feel the way she does .... but she doesn't realize how hard it is for me to watch her slip away little by little... just watch... and know i can't help. Every time the phone rings and her moms number comes up, my heart races for fear of what her mom is going to tell me. She's lost soo much weight and its only been 3 weeks.... what can i do, please just tell me .... what??
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LAP18
10-02-2006, 09:45 PM
I'm really sorry you are going thru this. My daughter is bi polar and no one except for me knows how her illness hurts me. I, like you, worry so much that I will wake up to a dead child. She has attempted suicide three times, her last two were very seroius attempts. I want,like you, to take her pain away. I want her to live. I want her to be happy. I want her to let me be there for her. She too tells me that I have no idea what she is going thru. (she is 17). I tell her that I do, becuase I FEEL her pain. I really do. I cry a lot. I probably cry more than she does.
I know I am not offering you anyhting. I am not giving you any tools to help with your BP friend. All I can do is tell you that I know what it feels like to feel helpless and incompetent. I also know that your friend needs you. She might act as if you are in her way, but I know she feels your love.
There isn't much you can do. You are part of her illness. Be strong and be there for her. Just like you are doing.
LAP
I know I am not offering you anyhting. I am not giving you any tools to help with your BP friend. All I can do is tell you that I know what it feels like to feel helpless and incompetent. I also know that your friend needs you. She might act as if you are in her way, but I know she feels your love.
There isn't much you can do. You are part of her illness. Be strong and be there for her. Just like you are doing.
LAP
tsohl
10-03-2006, 12:03 AM
Hello LAP,
Would it be possible for you to send things through the mail or leave notes, or have your friend's mom take a note to her? Even though she says she does not want to see or hear from you, if she received a note she would know you were thinking about her. You never know what small thing might make a difference.
I understand what you're going through. It is such a helpless feeling.
Hopefully someone on the board who has been the one feeling the same as your friend will write in with some insight for you. best, tsohl
Would it be possible for you to send things through the mail or leave notes, or have your friend's mom take a note to her? Even though she says she does not want to see or hear from you, if she received a note she would know you were thinking about her. You never know what small thing might make a difference.
I understand what you're going through. It is such a helpless feeling.
Hopefully someone on the board who has been the one feeling the same as your friend will write in with some insight for you. best, tsohl
maraboo
10-03-2006, 01:28 AM
Lap, first.. thanks for responding.... and second, thanks for sharing your own story, i feel a little less horrible about being completely useless. I've known this girl most of my life and she was diagnosed about 6 or 7 years ago, and it seems like they never get the meds quite right... and when they do finally... they stop working after a year or two for some unknown reason?? I know she knows i love her and care about her very much, but she just feels like she doesn't deserve to be loved..... Reading your words reminds me of her mother, an amaizingly understanding and caring woman.... thats soo scared and doesn't know what to do except be there and pray that tomorrow will be a better day..... I keep on calling every day hoping its the day that she's actually going to pick up :0(
Tsohl, even though her mom said not to call too much... i really can't help it, i still call every night and leave a message, i keep it brief and cheerful, just to say hi. Her mother "instructed me" to be careful what i say (nothing about going to the doctor or anything that would make her feel bad or guilty) I did however, last night, send her an email and she did respond... only with a few words but that was enough for me!!
Tsohl, even though her mom said not to call too much... i really can't help it, i still call every night and leave a message, i keep it brief and cheerful, just to say hi. Her mother "instructed me" to be careful what i say (nothing about going to the doctor or anything that would make her feel bad or guilty) I did however, last night, send her an email and she did respond... only with a few words but that was enough for me!!
tsohl
10-03-2006, 03:06 AM
I really commend you for trying to keep in touch, making the effort to call even when you know she won't pick up the phone.
As you're learning, psychiatry is not a precise science and the meds don't always work in a predictable way. It is especially difficult to find the right mix of meds for a younger person as they are still growing, their bodies are changing, hormones are rising, etc. I hope her Mom has faith in the daughter's doctors and that they are trying different combinations of meds for her. Sometimes this is a very long process to find what works. Hopefully your friend will find something soon that works for her. Have you ever known her when she was relatively happy and stable? tsohl
As you're learning, psychiatry is not a precise science and the meds don't always work in a predictable way. It is especially difficult to find the right mix of meds for a younger person as they are still growing, their bodies are changing, hormones are rising, etc. I hope her Mom has faith in the daughter's doctors and that they are trying different combinations of meds for her. Sometimes this is a very long process to find what works. Hopefully your friend will find something soon that works for her. Have you ever known her when she was relatively happy and stable? tsohl
maraboo
10-10-2006, 03:12 PM
tsohl,
Yes i've know her since i was 16ish and she was usually a pretty happy girl.. a little insecure and had a poor self image but she was "normal" for the most part. The six years ago the walls came a tumblin' down. We're going on week 4 or 5 now.. i'm losing track. She went to the doctor on the 9th and they upped her meds once again.... so now what.. more waiting?? How long does it typically take for the meds to kick in and make her fell well again??? I just miss her soo much... we usually talk every day a couple times a day. Now i'm lucky if she turns her machine on to leave a message. ~me
Yes i've know her since i was 16ish and she was usually a pretty happy girl.. a little insecure and had a poor self image but she was "normal" for the most part. The six years ago the walls came a tumblin' down. We're going on week 4 or 5 now.. i'm losing track. She went to the doctor on the 9th and they upped her meds once again.... so now what.. more waiting?? How long does it typically take for the meds to kick in and make her fell well again??? I just miss her soo much... we usually talk every day a couple times a day. Now i'm lucky if she turns her machine on to leave a message. ~me
tsohl
10-10-2006, 07:53 PM
Hello maraboo,
I'm sorry your friend is having such a rough time. I doubt anyone can predict when the meds might start to work. As I said before, it can be a long period of trial and error. What she's taking now may not be the one that works for her. Then another drug will be tried. If that doesn't work, perhaps a combination will be tried. My son is currently taking 3 but has taken as many as 5 or 6 at a time in an effort to stablize his moods. It can be a very long, difficult process. I think it took about 18 months for my son's pdoc to find the right combination. He also switched doctors 3 times to get to this point.
All you can do is be patient and realize this isn't like getting over something like mumps or measles. Your friend will most likely always have this disorder and will need medication to balance the chemicals in her brain which are now out of whack. In the meantime, hang in there and keep trying to be there for her. One day she'll appreciate it, even if she can't right now. tsohl
I'm sorry your friend is having such a rough time. I doubt anyone can predict when the meds might start to work. As I said before, it can be a long period of trial and error. What she's taking now may not be the one that works for her. Then another drug will be tried. If that doesn't work, perhaps a combination will be tried. My son is currently taking 3 but has taken as many as 5 or 6 at a time in an effort to stablize his moods. It can be a very long, difficult process. I think it took about 18 months for my son's pdoc to find the right combination. He also switched doctors 3 times to get to this point.
All you can do is be patient and realize this isn't like getting over something like mumps or measles. Your friend will most likely always have this disorder and will need medication to balance the chemicals in her brain which are now out of whack. In the meantime, hang in there and keep trying to be there for her. One day she'll appreciate it, even if she can't right now. tsohl
maraboo
10-10-2006, 11:20 PM
tsohl, thanks for taking the time to write to me.. i really do appriciate it, my other friends just don't understand and they think she makes all this stuff up in her head....... but honesly who would CHOOSE this life for themselves, to cut there bodies all over and lock themselves in a dark room for days without eating. I know her too well and i know how much she enjoys life when shes happy. Its nice to talk to people who understand and aren't judgmental... and i just want you to know how much i appriciate your kind words!!~marilyn
tsohl
10-10-2006, 11:59 PM
Hello again~
I'm a little vague on details here. How old is your friend and is she still living at home with her mom? It sounds from your description that your friend is very depressed.
It is possible that her mom may not understand much about the disorder and isn't as helpful as she might be to your friend. Perhaps she is somewhat in denial that your friend's problems are "real."
I can certainly relate to that...my son had several friends from about 7th grade on into high school that were eventually diagnosed bipolar and looking back, I can see that I was less than sympathetic. I thought it was something that they could just "get over" or get their minds around. Then when my son was suffering with depression, he didn't talk to me because he had seen how I had reacted to his friends' problems. He was able to cope for a number of years on his own, but untreated, his symptoms got worse and worse. Even after he told me he had been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, it took me over a year to really understand. So I can totally relate to how your mutual friends don't understand.
There are a number of very good websites where you can read more, or go to the library. The book my son asked me to read is "An Unquiet Mind" by Kaye Redfield Jamison. He said it captured what he'd been going through. The author is a physician and specialist in BPD who didn't realize she herself suffered from it until well into her 30s. Please keep reading the postings on this board and ask whatever questions you may have. People will try to help....tsohl.
I'm a little vague on details here. How old is your friend and is she still living at home with her mom? It sounds from your description that your friend is very depressed.
It is possible that her mom may not understand much about the disorder and isn't as helpful as she might be to your friend. Perhaps she is somewhat in denial that your friend's problems are "real."
I can certainly relate to that...my son had several friends from about 7th grade on into high school that were eventually diagnosed bipolar and looking back, I can see that I was less than sympathetic. I thought it was something that they could just "get over" or get their minds around. Then when my son was suffering with depression, he didn't talk to me because he had seen how I had reacted to his friends' problems. He was able to cope for a number of years on his own, but untreated, his symptoms got worse and worse. Even after he told me he had been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, it took me over a year to really understand. So I can totally relate to how your mutual friends don't understand.
There are a number of very good websites where you can read more, or go to the library. The book my son asked me to read is "An Unquiet Mind" by Kaye Redfield Jamison. He said it captured what he'd been going through. The author is a physician and specialist in BPD who didn't realize she herself suffered from it until well into her 30s. Please keep reading the postings on this board and ask whatever questions you may have. People will try to help....tsohl.