Well, here I am. Another week. I haven't thrown up in over a week even though I've overeaten some and I know that I've gained weight because my jeans hardly even fit anymore. I feel even worse since I haven't been throwing up. I don't even feel like a person. Just a zombie or a meaningless inanimate object. I don't want to throw up more...or do I? I felt better, but I know inside me that that's not what I want. I really don't know where to go from here. I hate life. I hate me. Actually, I don't hate life or me, I'm just extremely mad at both. How could I starve myself for so long and now I can't even control myself enough to lose 5-10 pounds!? I feel so worthless. I hate going out because I feel like such an ugly and aweful human. I don't want anyone to see me. They might see something about me that I don't want them to see, unless they can help me and then it would be worth it. Not really. Now it's grey and cold all the time, just like I feel. I guess it's fitting. Blah.

First off (((((((hugs))))))) to you for you need them; I totally know how you feel though-I stopped purging for a over a year and now I started doing it again and I know I shouldn't be doing it and I know it can kill me; cloudy maybe you aren't meant to lose 5-10 lbs-I know I shouldn't say it for I hate when people say it to me but I bet its the truth for both of us. Please know if you want to talk more you can e-mail me anytime at cutensassybrat@yahoo.com hon.
God Bless.

hey cloudy. I firstly agree with everyhting cutenbrat said. But also sweetie, I'm so so happy that you've not purged for so long. And no matter what you feel, i want you to keep it going. I know it feels kinda weird to be refraining from such a big part of your life, but it's actually improving your life!! And maybe you need to gain some weight? just a thought. You're a wonderful friend to everyone on this board, and I hope we can continue to help you. Email me whenever!
luv and lots of luck, http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/heart.gif
Rachel

Thanks guys! Your words really do mean a lot to me. I don't know whether I'm at the point where I can admit that I'm fine just at the weight and the way that I am, although I'll get there some day. I know that to everyone else I look fine right now, but they don't see and have to live with this body all the time like I do! I constantly think about my fat spots and how nice it would be to get rid of them. Even though I know that it's not true, I somehow convince myself that if I could just be thinner and look better than my whole life would be better. I pretend that once I lose the weight all my food obsessions and that stuff will just go away, and I'll have friends and boyfriends and all that. I be a lot better off to just work on myself in other ways, like being more easy going and spending more time with friends, but that's not what my mixed up little mind wants to do! I really am working hard to be the person that I want to be in all ways, though, and not just food. It may be slow going, but in the long run I really am getting better.

Cloudy,
I know exactly what you mean sometimes I dont know whether I feel comfortorable where I am right now or not even if that means that I have gained weight, it is a very scary time. But whatever you do PLEASE try to hold on to it. If you've come this far, why would you want to repeat it all again. Ya know http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/wink.gifSo hang in there! There are serious health problems that can acure if you continue to purge, I really dont want to list all of them right now but a few serious ones, I've known a girl to get osteoperosis at the young age of 21, purging in the long run can even prevent you from having children. So please, I know sometimes you cant help it, but try to resist it! I BELIEVE IN YOU! You can do it! I am here for you!!!

http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/heart.gif Lindsay~~~

Hmm...I just read in a magazine...that u can lose up to 5-10lbs by having small portions of fish and steamed vegetables...no dairy products, wheat or anything else!!!! Geri Haliwell is currently dieting on that really!!!

Anyway...hope u feel better soon!

Love
CarolineX

Hi Cloudy,
You are doing doing great and these feelings will pass. I remenber my metabolism took a while to get back on track and my weight varied alot for a while. Yet, now my metabloism is running well and I can eat alot without gaining weight. But at first after giving up binging I had bad fluid retention and felt fat and awful. Hang in there. I know what you mean about not focusing and hanging out with friends but I always over focus , analyse, think and it's a great thing with the right people. You have a lot of insight and just need to channel it a bit otherwise you will get caught up in that circular thinking. I know, cause I do this. Try limiting your carbs a bit and increasing protein or have equal amounts of both. I 'm not saying cut back but I do remember this helped me get rid of the bloating and what about exercise or juast going on walks. Anyway, congratulate yourself on being binge free for so long and the rest does not matter it's temporary you will settle back and also remember it's like losing a part of yourself so it's normal to grieve or be a bit down also for a while. Don't take this out on yourself, ok. Take care.
Mel