Hi everyone,
I suspect my college-senior daughter is anorexic. Went to visit her at school last weekend, and she became upset that I saw her in just her underwear. (I knocked on her door, but she thought I was her roommate). I expressed my concern over her loss of weight, and she commented that I should've called a couple minutes beforehand, so I wouldn't have to see her like that. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/frown.gif

She's seeing the school doc because she's been super tired lately, and has had labs run--her creatinine level is high, and this worries me because of possible kidney problems. The doc thinks she may also have mono. I know she doesn't eat much during the day, but she tells me she makes up for it at night. When we take her out to eat, she hits the buffet line 6 times or more. I don't know that she's purging; I never noticed her doing it at home, BUT she's had to have her front teeth sealed recently due to enamel erosion. She also runs every day. the writing seems to be on the wall, I'm just confused about what to do, say, etc. I'm really worried about her health! I dont' want to rag on her, but God, she's our only child, and we sure don't want to lose her! Any advice?

Hi Moxie,
You are in a tough spot, you don't want to push her too hard, but you cannot choose to ignore the problem. My mom and dad went through the same thing with me (I'm 24 and recovered now). It's harder now that your daughter is away at school because you won't be able to monitor her everyday. I can give you some advice based on how my mom handled me (she is a fabulous woman!), but it may or may not work for you. First, do not ignore the problem. Second, confront her. You told her you are concerned that she lost weight, but did you ever use the word "anorexic"? Ask her if she is purging. She may get upset, she may lie, or she may tell you the truth. In any case, it let's her know that if she needs you any time in the future, you are interested and willing to listen. Find out who her friends are and quietly ask them about her.-- How much does she eat? --How much does she exercise?

Does she go to school far from your house? If not, try and see her somewhat regularly so that you can keep tabs on her appearance and health. Don't make suprise visits several times over or call her repeatedly during the day asking her what she ate because she will most likely get defensive and shut you out. If you notice that her health is still deteriorating or that she is still losing weight, take her to a therapist. If she kicks and screams, put her in the car, drive her there yourself and wait in the parking lot until the session is over. Many anorexics do not look for help on their own, but need someone to push them. She won't be able to make strides toward recovery until she is ready, but you may need to be the one to start the process.

This next one is really harsh, but sometimes necessary; if she continues to lose weight, threaten to take her out of school. You may or may not be comfortable with this one, but my mom and dad did it to me because they had no other choice and it helped me to get better. I wanted to stay in school, and I knew that they really would pull me out if I continued to lose weight. They set me up with a psychiatrist just outside campus and I went to therapy there once a week. I didn't want to leave college and live at home doing nothing, I wanted to graduate. Like I said, it's harsh, and will probably cause a screaming fight, but remember that her health (her life for that matter) is more important.

I hope some of this helps. Post again and let me know how you are doing. Anorexia is difficult to deal with parents because you feel so helpless, but you can be a great source of support!

Hi Moxie,
This must be really difficult for you and worrying. You probobly feel really helpless. Are you close to your daughter? If so talk to her or try to get closer if you can by just being there in some small way. My mum really helped me just by listening and not freaking out too much about weight loss and binging. It's hard with your daughter away at school and there are the therapist options but this is difficult and you may need to be careful and try to build up the relationship whereby she feels she can tell you anything. It will be frustrating but I suggest calling first always and meeting with her and opening up about yourself as much as possible and letting her know she is loved no matter what she does and that you are there no matter what. I hope I'm not stating the obvious it's just that my mum really saved me by being there and just talking and trying to understand no matter how difficult it was and there were screaming matches. You may need to get tough and try to get her to see she is threatening her life which could help getting her to talk with a professional. Good luck and report back.
Mel

Tricky and Mel,

Thanks for your replies; you've both been very helpful. Tricky, while I didn't mention the word "anorexia", I did tell her she was starting to look like Diane (a person we knew who had anorexia/bulimia), so I'm pretty sure she knows where I'm coming from. She's about 3 hours away at school, so weekend visits are possible; and we've been seeing her more often this year because for the first time in her life, she seems homesick! (This is the same kid, who at 3 years of age, couldn't push us out of the house fast enough when it came time to visit the grandmas--she's been out of the country on her own and spent the last 2 summers out of state doing internships). We're thinking with career choices/graduation looming, she's feeling stressed (?)
She emailed yesterday that the doc reran her labs, and the values are all back to normal--doc feels she had an infection but was able to fight it off. She dodged the bullet this time, but she's still burning the candle at both ends, up all night trying to finish medical school applications. She wants to get them all out of the way within 2 weeks. At least she's temporarily stopped running every day (she fell about a week ago and is still sore). She also mentioned that the little old lady prof she TA's for expressed concern over her condition and warned her not to push her health too far. So, she's aware that there's a problem. I'm just not sure she connects the "not eating" part with the problem.
Tricky, can you legally remove your child from school, even if they're over 21? I mentioned to my husband that it may come to that.
At any rate, I've pretty much decided that I WILL BE upfront and proactive about this--I witnessed too much bad stuff happen to Diane's family over her eating disorders. And Mel, we are somewhat close; even more so lately, so I'm hoping we can get a dialogue going without her feeling we're ganging up on her. Thanks again for your input.

Hi Moxie...
I just wanted to say good luck!! It's going to be hard to help your daughter but you will succeed!! I can tell you really are a great mother and will help her through this!!
Please keep us all posted as to how your daughter is doing....and yourself of course!! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif

Love
CarolineXX

Moxie,
You don't have the same control over a 21 year old as you do a 17 year old, but unless your daughter is making a significant amount of money while in school, you still have the power. Of course, I hope it will never come to that, but remember that you can always not pay room and board or tuition for a semester. Most schools allow students to take a semester off without penalty, meaning they will not lose credits or have to reapply. Good luck with everything!!

Oh gosh, Tricky, I was afraid it might hinge on $. Unfortunately (?!) she has a full scholarship, so ALL her expenses are paid (and she works two jobs). I'm very anxious to get her home here over Thanksgiving so we can have a good, long talk.

Thanks to all of you for your continued support. And please take care of yourselves; it saddens me to read feelings of worthlessness. Everyone is worth something to somebody. The fact that you all post here and offer support and encouragement shows me what decent human beings you are--and trust me, that's the bottom line.

I may be way off on this one, but I know that you mentioned that your daughter is homesick all of the sudden and that she is displaying alot of the warning signs of an eating disorder. You may want to talk to her about what may have triggered this-in other words, did something happen to her at school that is making her react in this way? The reason I ask this is because I have a friend who is or at least was bulmic and anorexic.What triggered it for her was a low self esteem because of the sexual taunts that she had to endure from her stepfather and from her peers. I also suspect that her stepfather physically and possibly sexually abused her. Now I'm not saying that your daughter has had anything of a sexual nature happen to her while away at school, but just sitting down and talking to her and trying to get to the root of the problem may help. She may want, in the worst way, to be able to tell you what has happened to her or what has caused everything to get this far. I wish you the best of luck.