Since being diagnosed (only 3 weeks ago) I have gone through my recent life and wondered did I actually make those decisions or was it my 'bipolarness'? I have sat with a friend and together we have gone through things I have done, and not done and wondered - would I have made the same decisions if I was just me??

For example, I have a good job in pharmaceutical research but decided to start studying for a degree in psychology, with the grand expectations of going on to do a doctorate in Clinical, followed by post-doc qualification in Neuropsychology. Ummmmm......I'm not even doing the first degree part-time - have thrown myself right in and am doing both a full-time degree and full-time work. But I'm doing well at it.... ummmm....

In the mean time a business which we have a share of is doing really well. So, I've decided why not work for it too??? I just can't seem to decide what I want to do - though I wonder - would I know if I wasn't bipolar?? My BF describes me as always having my grass greener on the other side of the fence to wherever I am - arghhhhhh!!!!!!!!!

Also, I'm the same with friends - sometimes I won't to know them, others they completely DO MY HEAD IN - so needless to say, I have a narrow social circle - would this be the same if I wasn't bipolar??

A good question to sum it all up really is 'Who am I?' as I don't really know what is me and what is me because of bipolar disorder....

So many questions, so little answers.......

Nut.

Hi NutShell,

this all sounds pretty normal to me! After my diagnosis (6 yrs ago) I questioned every major decision i had ever made; I still do. I make a decision, be it, job, degree, house move, husband (stay or go) and then half a day later start to question it. I think time is the only healer with this stuff. I know I haven't been stable for a looonnng time now and just started new meds. I have to rely on my BF, parents and husbands to help me with the decisions; weigh up how serious the consequences of making the decision. However, most times no decision needs to be made if you're not totally sure. The light will come on, you will be sure. Try not to add to the stress. What do you work for? Intrinsic value or money? Do you like to learn? Do you like others to point and say NutShell, she's the expert in this....
Basically, what are you basic motivations, morals etc, prior to diagnosis?

Bipolar is just a label, i view my condition as just that a condition, not a disorder. It's definitely part of who i am, i would not have the same creative insight or intuition without it and if i had a magic button that could make me "normal" then i wouldn't press it, i like my "dangerous gift" too much for that.

This is a really interesting thread and i have often asked myself the same questions. Ive always been known as "mad" and "bubbly" and people have commented on what fun i am to be around which ive always took as a compliment. i was worried about becoming 'boring' when i was stabilised and wondered if i would lose the sense of adventure that i had. I started asking myself if my whole personality wasnt me and was part of an illness so my whole life had been a lie.
But i think the best way to look at it is in the way Aeolian described, bipolar is part of who we are, we're not part of bipolar.
The same question you mentioned about the 'magic button' was raised at the end of the recent documentary secret life of the manic depressive by stephen fry and nearly everyone said they wouldnt push that button. I was in tears by that part of the programme as id found it very emotional, but i had to find myself agreeing. I dont think id push it either:angel:

I bet if the same question was posed to the spouses and loved ones of those with bp we would all jump at the chance to push the button.

Thats very true marshmallow, but i guess that whole 'button' theory depends on the severity of the bipolar and individual situation.
Im bipolar II so i do not experience any sort of psychosis. When depressed ive been extremely suicidal and tried to take my own life, and when ive been (hypo)manic ive had a serious problem with spending/stealing and a drink problem. Luckily, its not got any worse than that for me. I say 'luckily' because my father is also bipolar and ive seen how much worse it can be. The illness has still held up my life in many ways and caused me alot of distress, but on the upside, i am very creative, have been a writer/songwriter, am very bubbly/outgoing, make a lot of people laugh. Im sure none of these traits would be there normally if i wasnt hypomanic a lot of the time.
I posed the same question to my BF about the 'button' and he said he wouldnt push it. We did break up once when i was rapid cycling and he couldnt cope with my mood swings (this was before i was diagnosed). But now he is fully aware of my diagnosis and im lucky in the fact hes been very supportive. He said pushing that button would be denying who i am as ive been bipolar from the age of 13 (untreated until may this year) so its formed a huge part of who i am and my personality. I was hypomanic when i met him and he said thats who he fell in love with. I now take a very low dose of lithium which keeps the bad symptoms (suicide/spending/drinking) under control but doesnt suppress me too much, as otherwise i totally lose motivation. And to be honest, i like the highs. As long as im not hurting anyone or being destructive i dont see the problem. I think sometimes those of us with bipolar need to find something positive from a lot of what we go through and how it can completely put a hold on our lives.
A lot of us with bipolar have a real identity struggle. Because this illness is mental it forms part of who we are. i know when i was on a higher dose of lithium i felt like a zombie and lost every personality trait i knew, even the good ones. This illness is part of who we are, if it goes away, who are we?

It took me a long time to accept this, but I AM my Bipolar Disorder.
The me that I was born as, IS Bipolar.
The only difference is what changes the Rx makes in my brain.
Some people have a very independent attitute towards their unmedicated self.
They feel that if that is how they were born, that is how they should be.
I believe that EVERYone who is born can grow and evolve.

My Type I Bipolar, untreated, would have led to a life in a mental hospital.
I'm glad I evolved!!
I am both me, and Bipolar.
Ruth
:angel:

here here!

I didnt mean to be uncaring or unfeeling it is just that I have gone through so much misery with my husband. I feel beaten down by his rage and anger. I feel indebt due to his spending. I feel violated by being spit on. I feel scared when he is tearing the house apart by punching walls and throwing things.
I also feel the deepest compassion and love for this man. My heart breaks for what he goes through however he refuses to see any of this. He denies any self problem and blames me. That makes me feel helpless.
Believe me when I say I feel compassion for anyone suffering and having hard times because I do.

marshmallow, where have I been? Have I spoken to you about this in another thread?
If your husband refuses meds and is abusive YOU MUST LEAVE HIM until he is willing to help himself. Bipolar or not. If I ever refused meds I would EXPECT Mr. Ruth to walk away. Maybe not the "D" word right off the bat, but if I didn't get back on some sort of attempt to get better then that's the way it would have to be.
Your husband is supposed to do his level best to Love, Honor & Cherish you.... and an unmedicated Bipolar person is like a raving drug addict/alcoholic. If he has even ONE level headed day you must tell him that his choices are:
Get on some meds
or
Live apart until he does.

I, someone with Bipolar Disorder lived with someone who was angry & abusive. I had to leave although he was my soulmate.
Can you start another thread on this? This is important - you need to talk about this until you are comfortable taking some action.
Hugs my dear
MamaRuth
:angel:

Ruth we are living separate but the whole thing still affects me because I do care about him but he knows I won't live with him the way it was. However, he continues to tell me how miserable he is and it is draining on me. It is hard when you want to be a wife to someone but they do not do there part to make it work. I appreciate your concern very much. Thank you.