Dakota_Skye
10-02-2006, 04:02 PM
hi guys,
i posted this before, but i wanted to do it again, because i feel the desire to open up to more people on this site, because i've found it to be one of the best i've seen for a long time now. (i don't believe many read this post before, since it was on pg. 4 somewhere on another thread). i was jokingly and seriously asking, if i can i be part of your group? lol. i'm only saying that because like joe, even when things are relatively going "well," with family and friends, bills, etc, i think about the state of the world nowadays, about hurt people and animals, and then that brings sadness and leads to thoughts about why would G-d let these things happen, etc., and there are very few people around me who are able to "illuminate" me so to speak; plus, when friends try to make plans (and this used to happen often), i generally made some sort of excuse not to go; then, like wonderingsoul, my short-term memory seems to get worse and worse with time (and i'm sure it's because of all these meds, or all the years of meds i've been on--about 10 so far);
then, like depresso, i tell myself i'm blocking my own growth by thinking negatively and having that weak-person mentality, and i stop myself from doing things for whatever reason--i don't really know why. but i do know that i'm my own worst enemy, or, my thoughts are....
then, like oceandreams, despite years of therapy and meds, there is still this "low-grade, chronic depression," going on--this dysthymia that makes me slow to act in mundane things... and after a whole day at work (most of the time i stay late, and get home around 7 pm, sometimes later--since i can't get myself going in the am, even if i wake up at 6am) i get home sooo tired, that all i have time for is to eat something, watch something on tv or a rented movie and go to bed.
i wait for my days off, but then i don't know what the heck happens to them--they fly by and it makes me feel guilty for not having done the house chores, etc. of course, i do eventually end up doing something useful--i manage to clean my apt. at least, to change the kitty-litter, to do a load of laundry, and maybe pick up my mother from the nursing home where my dad lives, since she goes there everyday after work (he's paralyzed on the right side after having suffered a stroke six years ago, and is also being fed through a j-tube, through his stomach that is)....
work is good in that it keeps my thoughts busy--but i have always thanked G-d (and deep inside i do believe in G-d) for having given some people the ability to discover the types of medications we need, so that we can at least manage our lives somehow....anyway. besides the outer obvious and perhaps natural and inevitable changes life brings when one gets older (i.e., ill parents, the ability to carry on a mortgage or to rent, to keep a roof over your head, take care of oneself and one's family, etc.), i'm also thinking, like some people my age do (i'll be 36 next month by the way), about marriage, having a child, building a foundation in my life for the future generation. however, this scares me very much, especially in light of the fact that i need to take these medications to function in day-to-day activities. pregnancy and meds don't go very well together...i know, i know, my primary told me she's had pregnant women who were on antidepressants and who gave birth to healthy children, but i can't help it....
i have a significant other in my life, and we've been together just over a year now. he's very supportive, kind, polite, and generous. however, you guys know that sometimes, we have our periods of irritability and angst and anger and irrational hell that we go through. i'm not by any means a loud, shouting type of person, but i see that these things do interfere with our relationship, even though indirectly. and the thing is, i do not want to alienate him from me. i believe that because of my depression, i have had this happen twice in the past--that is, two other men have sort of "pulled out" of the ralationship before, and i think it was because they saw some aspects of me they didn't agree with, didn't like, etc.
then there's another aspect to this illness of mine. i know that once the days grow shorter, throughout fall and winter, my depression worsens. i just pray i'll be able to tap into that strength inside me and keep on going. i did it in the past. i know i can do it again. some days will be better, some will be worse, but they'll keep passing by. and i'll just ride out the darkness.
my dx. is major depression and anxiety (and probably SAD too) and i've had to struggle with these basically since college...i'm taking effexor xl, klonopin, and neurontin. also, topamax for incredibly debilitating migraines. my psychiatrist is also my therapist, whom i'm seeing every other week.
you guys are just so supportive and motivating here. i'm wishing you all the best today and everyday, and may we see more "better" vs. not-too-good days ahead....
dakota
i posted this before, but i wanted to do it again, because i feel the desire to open up to more people on this site, because i've found it to be one of the best i've seen for a long time now. (i don't believe many read this post before, since it was on pg. 4 somewhere on another thread). i was jokingly and seriously asking, if i can i be part of your group? lol. i'm only saying that because like joe, even when things are relatively going "well," with family and friends, bills, etc, i think about the state of the world nowadays, about hurt people and animals, and then that brings sadness and leads to thoughts about why would G-d let these things happen, etc., and there are very few people around me who are able to "illuminate" me so to speak; plus, when friends try to make plans (and this used to happen often), i generally made some sort of excuse not to go; then, like wonderingsoul, my short-term memory seems to get worse and worse with time (and i'm sure it's because of all these meds, or all the years of meds i've been on--about 10 so far);
then, like depresso, i tell myself i'm blocking my own growth by thinking negatively and having that weak-person mentality, and i stop myself from doing things for whatever reason--i don't really know why. but i do know that i'm my own worst enemy, or, my thoughts are....
then, like oceandreams, despite years of therapy and meds, there is still this "low-grade, chronic depression," going on--this dysthymia that makes me slow to act in mundane things... and after a whole day at work (most of the time i stay late, and get home around 7 pm, sometimes later--since i can't get myself going in the am, even if i wake up at 6am) i get home sooo tired, that all i have time for is to eat something, watch something on tv or a rented movie and go to bed.
i wait for my days off, but then i don't know what the heck happens to them--they fly by and it makes me feel guilty for not having done the house chores, etc. of course, i do eventually end up doing something useful--i manage to clean my apt. at least, to change the kitty-litter, to do a load of laundry, and maybe pick up my mother from the nursing home where my dad lives, since she goes there everyday after work (he's paralyzed on the right side after having suffered a stroke six years ago, and is also being fed through a j-tube, through his stomach that is)....
work is good in that it keeps my thoughts busy--but i have always thanked G-d (and deep inside i do believe in G-d) for having given some people the ability to discover the types of medications we need, so that we can at least manage our lives somehow....anyway. besides the outer obvious and perhaps natural and inevitable changes life brings when one gets older (i.e., ill parents, the ability to carry on a mortgage or to rent, to keep a roof over your head, take care of oneself and one's family, etc.), i'm also thinking, like some people my age do (i'll be 36 next month by the way), about marriage, having a child, building a foundation in my life for the future generation. however, this scares me very much, especially in light of the fact that i need to take these medications to function in day-to-day activities. pregnancy and meds don't go very well together...i know, i know, my primary told me she's had pregnant women who were on antidepressants and who gave birth to healthy children, but i can't help it....
i have a significant other in my life, and we've been together just over a year now. he's very supportive, kind, polite, and generous. however, you guys know that sometimes, we have our periods of irritability and angst and anger and irrational hell that we go through. i'm not by any means a loud, shouting type of person, but i see that these things do interfere with our relationship, even though indirectly. and the thing is, i do not want to alienate him from me. i believe that because of my depression, i have had this happen twice in the past--that is, two other men have sort of "pulled out" of the ralationship before, and i think it was because they saw some aspects of me they didn't agree with, didn't like, etc.
then there's another aspect to this illness of mine. i know that once the days grow shorter, throughout fall and winter, my depression worsens. i just pray i'll be able to tap into that strength inside me and keep on going. i did it in the past. i know i can do it again. some days will be better, some will be worse, but they'll keep passing by. and i'll just ride out the darkness.
my dx. is major depression and anxiety (and probably SAD too) and i've had to struggle with these basically since college...i'm taking effexor xl, klonopin, and neurontin. also, topamax for incredibly debilitating migraines. my psychiatrist is also my therapist, whom i'm seeing every other week.
you guys are just so supportive and motivating here. i'm wishing you all the best today and everyday, and may we see more "better" vs. not-too-good days ahead....
dakota