I havent posted here for quite a while, latley I have been in one of those moods where I just continue on through life not really feeling or caring, but just carrying on with my E.D. But in the last few days, I have really wanted to quit again, I havent been doing too much better though. I finally told my boyfriend, that I have a problem, and he doesnt believe me, or maybe he does, but he just wishes he didnt. I dont know.. I think its hard for him to accept that after two years of living together he hasnt caught me binging and purging once, when i do it about two times or more a day. I just binged on almost a whole bag of chips, a chocolate bar, and a hashbrown patty.....I tried to purge but for some reason, I couldnt do it, I only ended up purging about a quarter of it, so here I sit, panicking , (almost to the point of having an anxiety attack) because I didnt purge it all,and its going to make me fat!!! Whats wrong with me? Am I totally hopeless? Sorry for ranting about this, especially when I havent been here for so long...but I really needed to tell someone, before I go totally insane!

How are you feeling today? Good for you that you decided to calm down, come to the board and share your fears with others. Are you in any kind of therapy right now? Have you considered talking to a professional? Sometimes it's difficult to find the right kind of help, but since there really are people who genuinly care, it is possible to find them...

You know, I had a very similar experience with a binge last weekend. I couldn't purge for some reason and I got really, really scared. I think knowing that I can purge it all out afterwards gives me more permission to overeat, so maybe it was a miracle in disguise that forced me to take some responsibility over my action. My therapist also suggested that I try to deal with the uncomfortable feelings after I binge, without purging, and then move on to dealing w/ the frustrations that I feel as I'm about to overeat... It's so very overwhelming, I know. Not to mention scary. I felt very alone, alarmed, and scared beyond belief. I wrote in my journal to avoid the screams of the toilet calling me to try harder to purge. I did do some physical exercises afterwards (not compulsively), had a hot shower and indulged in watching some movies for the rest of the night. The next day, it was really hard not to think about what I had done, but I really had to focus on the positve and kick those negative, self-destructive thoughts out of my head.

I think this illness has us so gripped that it will use every trick in the book to convince us we need to do what it tells us to do.

The "better" you are at bulimia the harder it is to stop the cycle because there's not as much motivation, so I agree with Stigma that it's a blessing in disguise. Your bf may not admit it now, but maybe he'll start to watch out for signs- like coming home and half the food that was there that morning is gone. He just needs some time. Whether he accepts it or not you still have a problem that you need to address. I'm glad that you're having more motivation to get better. I know what you mean about having one of those moods where life just goes on and you go on like a robot. It's really hard. Is there something right now that you're enjoying about the moment? Is it a sunny day out the window? Do you have a pet doing something very comforting? Taking notice of what's going on in life helps a lot to draw me out of my fog, at least for a little bit. If you want things to get better you have to conciously take control and work every moment to change them- you can do it! I hope that you do better today, so take control and work to change how you feel in any way that you can.

Hi there,
Thanks you two, so much for replying to my post. No, I haven't yet seen anyone for help, but I have made an appointment, I guess that is the first step..I do know that you are right about my difficulty to purge being a blessing in disguise, that is so true, lol its just really hard to see it that way when my stomach is feeling sooo full and huge, but later on, when I have digested, I know its probably a good thing. I have been doing a little bit better lately. I did however purge a little bit today, because I was freaking out about eating some chocolate, but I didnt binge at least, and felt horribly guilty about purging.
I also know that you are right about my boyfriend, that one day he will get used to the idea that I have a problem, at times it's just frustrating that my best friend (him) doesnt understand and cant help me with one of the biggest issues in my life, but It will be better as time goes on I'm sure.And yes, Cloudy Daze, that really does help to try and look at the positive things in life, the good little comforting things. (My cats help a ton!! So thanks again so much for posting you guys, you helped so much, Good luck with all of your future endeavors, may all your dreams come true and your hopes become reality.
Luv always,
Dyingforfreedom

Hey d.f.f XXX

Your bf will believe you, he's maybe just trying to work out how he can help you. He may not be able to know how to handle what you say to him...don'[t worry....just keep talking to each other and all will be well.

I am really feeling how hard it is for you at the moment. I can't do much to help you, only you can do that (which you have)...therefore all there is to say is good luck...and that I am always here to support you.

Love
EminemW X