I haven't b/p in 11 days if I make it through today, and at first I felt better than ever. I had more energy, etc. Now all the sudden I just feel so dark and depressed. I want to sleep but I'm not sleepy, just groggy and tired and hopeless. I'm afraid that to get over this I'll have to binge. I really don't know what else to do. I just feel so awful and depressed. I have nothing in my days to look forward to when I don't binge. I am also sick of eating the same old foods all the time (popcorn, yogurt, sandwich meat, apples) but that's the only 'safe' stuff that's worth the calories, so I'm just incredibly frustrated. I feel fatter than I do when I binge and so hopeless. I'm going to try my hardest to not binge. I just hate the way I feel. It's like I feel as bad as I do after a binge all the time now. Not the guilt as much, although I do feel bad for being chubby, but really awful. Anyway, I guess that's it.

First of all, congratulations! 11 days is awesome! Everyone has days that aren't so great; it just seems worse when you have an ED on your mind. Do not give in. The more successes you have, the more you begin to realize that you don't have to succumb to an ED for comfort. Yep, this is a test for yourself. You can pass it.

Cloudy, congrats for trying to fight so hard. I think you should give yourself more credit, 'cause every attempt, every day w/o b/p is a step forward... I can really relate to what you're saying about getting depressed even though you haven't binged/purged because that's exactly how I felt after I had the same kind of success with eating. I started to feel really confused and didn't know what the point was but I kept going and was really glad, every time, that I resisted the urge. Eventually, I did have a relapse (I guess they are part of recovery, as long as you don't use them as an excuse and know how to deal with them), but after that it was really difficult to get back on track. Some of the grogginess is physiological, since your body goes into shock when you stop treating it the way you normally do and believe me, the feeling of bloatedness is so normal when you're refeeding your body after having abused it for so long! I know, it's easier said then done, but try to talk to yourself positively, like, "Ok, I am feeling a little bloated now and maybe I even ate a little more than I normally do, but the feeling will go away. I am going to be OK. I will not lose my dignity by binging and throwing up.... Well, those things usually help me get through the rough times, but it takes a lot of focus in order for them to start penetrating through the disordered skull. I really do hope that you are doing well and it sure sounds like you're on the right track. Remember, these feeling we're experiencing are normal (actually, that's just what I talked to my counsellor in therapy today again) and they will go away and dealing with them is an essential part of recovering. Take care! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif

I dunno what to say apart from well done and keep it going. It's easy for me to say that...but you will get thru' this....it is a hard road to recovery.

Looooads of luv and support goes out to ya!!

XXXX

Wow, Cloudy, 11 days is AWESOME!!!! Even though you feel kinda crappy right now, you have to know how great it is to go so long without b/p . . . I can relate to the sort of dazed feeling you have . . . I've actually binged to "snap out of" that state, and it worked for maybe a half second. Then I felt crappy and guilty for ruining my progress. Why don't you try out a new food, or a new meal, to get around that boredom you're feeling about your regular foods. Just try and push through this time, it'll get better I swear! Take care of yourself and keep us posted.

Fiona

I read an interesting book on eating disorders and endorphins once.
According to the author of that book, eating disorders are a lot like addictions, in that we get addictied to the endorphins our body produces in response to starvation or purging.
The depression you feel after you stop these behaviors, are really the withdrawal symptoms from the addction. It is the hardest phase maybe, but the depression will get less. Just please don't give up now. Like somebody is in detox and wants another drink or hit, but has to hang in there and make it through this...

Kathrin

cloudy first off (((((((hugs))))))) to you; next please try to fight the urge to b/p-I know that it is so very hard. Please tell me how you are doing hon. I will be waiting your reply.
God Bless.

CONGRATS! You are amazing for going 11 days without! I agree with the others, that you are just in withdrawal.... your commitment is awesome and I hope to be able to stop for 11 days.... or forever! But one day at a time and I'd been going crazy for awhile, so now I feel happy about not B/P for 32 hours right now.... and counting... it's such a struggle because that little devil gets in and makes you think it'd be ok to do it, but then an hour later and I get even more depressed.... hang in there - I'm thinking of you!

Thanks so much for all the encouragement everyone. I now have 17 days! There have been hard times especially when I'm really depressed, but overall it's been easier than it has in the past. I think that the longer I make it the easier it gets. The first week to two weeks was really hard, but now that I'm in week 3 it's still hard, but it's becoming more of a habit to NOT binge/purge. I think that spring coming really helps, too. Anyway, just wanted to say thanks! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif

17 days!!

woohoo!

17 days!
woohoo!!

17 days is awesome, Cloudy! This is great, I really hope this continues for you!

http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/dance.gif GO CLOUDY...GO CLOUDY <dances round the room>

Just goes to show...u r stronger than what you thought you were!!

XXXX

Hi Cloudy,

Just wanted to say congrats 17 days is a long time! I don't know how you are doing this but keep it up. I did not have the strength to really stop binging untill my Dad passed away which kind of shocked me into it. It is always with you but it definetly gets easier. You should be very proud of yourself. Take care and keep up your writing. I would really like to know how you are going.
Mel

Cloudy I am so proud of you. You are doing a wonderful job. I am going to bring one of Tricky's old post up and maybe it will help both of us.
God Bless.