Lately I've been having this strange feeling of being removed and unreal, like I'm incapable of feeling anything, good OR bad. I feel like I'm just existing, going through the motions day by day. I have felt this way before, but not for a long time. Last time, it was meeting my boyfriend that snapped me out of it. I don't know how to snap out of it this time. Also, I'm started to get terrible cravings for drugs and alcohol!! What's wrong with me? And this is even worse . . . (I'm so embarassed to say this . . .) Lately when I go shopping I have this huge urge to shoplift. I am scared to go into stores because this urge makes me feel so terrible. I didn't want to post all of this because I'm really humiliated by it . . . but I really need someone to talk to about this. I am turning into a horrible person. Why now? And what can I do about it? I just want to cry at what I'm turning into . . . And I'm restricting again. I'm a big fat failure http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/frown.gif Don't feel bad if you don't want to talk to me anymore. I'd completely understand.

Fiona

Hi, Fiona.

Some of those feelings you're experiencing must be making you feel very uncomfortable. It would be unfair of me to say that I completely understand them all, since I haven't really been there myself and I don't want to minimize your distress or offer you empty promises. What I can do, though, is just to let you know that we are here to listen and offer support while you're trying to sort out these feelings. I think it's quite a corageous step recognizing, let alone admitting "out loud" some of the urges that you consider wrong. Has something happened to triger all these things? Can you see things changing for you at all? If your boyfriend has been there for you in the past, maybe you can rely on his support now as well. One thing I do know is that it's really hard going through such problems alone.

I'm sorry that I can't be of more help and that I don't have any concrete advice, but I just thought I'd let you know that just because you have a problem (which you even acknowledge) does not mean that you are a horrible person and it especially doesn't give me a reason to think you're a horrible person.

Hang in there and keep in touch.

Stigma.

It could be some inner emptiness, which leads you to try an escape from reality. That may be why you are looking towards drugs, and alcohol. Don't do it; that will make it worse - much worse.

The shoplifting again might be a way to escape reality (the everyday same old routines). I've read that some people have a rush, where shoplifting gives them excitement. A lot of shoplifters really don't even need what they take. Shoplifting is stealing, and it hurts someone somewhere. Eventually you'll get caught, and it could be real embarassing.

Do you also still have an eating disorder as well? My philosophy towards eating is to eat well and to choose healthy natural foods that are highly nutritious. I often write about this on the diet and nutrition board.

What's the solution for this inner emptiness? That's a tough one. For me it has been my faith in God. As such, subjects as this may be limited since this is a healthboard site, so you may want to ask friends and family how you can bring yourself closer to God (Love). I hope that helps.

Also helping other people through love, can be an antidote towards your feelings of failure and despair. How can you possibly fail, when you help another person feel better? You can't. Keep trying and look at these kind of things in a positive manner.

Oh Fiona! I've missed being here and talking to you all so much! I know how you feel. If I had access to it I could easily become an alcoholic because I have an urge to just do something that will take me away for a while. I've being doing slightly better for a couple days now and whenever I don't b/p I get feel feelingless and not even totally human. I feel even more depressed than usual and just more quiet. I have to think that if I can go long enough I will eventually break through this, and so will you. It's just going through withdrawal I bet, so if you can make it through things will get better. When the addiction is taken away we have to deal with what's underneath. I guess we can't handle going through giving up the addictino and dealing with the emotions at the same time so until we get over craving the addiction we are just sort of numb from all the feelings. I really have no idea, but I do know that trading your ED for something like alcohol or drugs will only make things worse. If you have to have one, the ED is the one to have because it won't get you in trouble with the law and ruin all your relationships. Give yourself a few days to restrict all you want. Plan to start again Saturday and get things under control before then. Right now you can experiment and see if there's anything that makes you feel at all better that's healthy. Make a list of those things so that you have it when you need it. Nothing will feel quite as good as the addiction, but the little boost from something like coloring or taking a walk or whatever will be able to get you through. You can make it Fiona. You're not a loser. You've made so much progress! Haven't things changed at least a little since October or November? Any progress is worth the effort! I believe in you, and I still love you even if you fail every day.

oh fiona, i feel so sad for you. but sweetie, never feel like you can't tell us these things. we all know you're an awesome person and we all have desires. but i know that if god forbid you gave in to your desires, you would be unhappy after. please hon, talk to someone who can help you. and let yourself be helped with this. professional. and never ever think we wouldn't want to talk to you. never.
luv and luck, http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/heart.gif
rachel

Thanks guys . . . I was so embarassed after posting this that I was just going to go and delete most of it, but I feel a little better after reading all your replies. I'm relieved to know I'm not the only one who has that "unreal" feeling sometimes . . . maybe I'm just trying to snap myself out of it by drinking or whatever. I should point out that I haven't actually acted on any of these impulses, it's just the desire to is freaking me out. I'm scared to tell my boyfriend because it makes me feel like an ugly human . . . I don't want him to know about this, even though I know he'd help me and be supportive anyway. I'm too embarassed. Restricting is helping me feel a little more "real" but I know that this is unhealthy too. I'm just going to hang in here and see if things improve in a few days. Thanks again for the replies.

Fiona

((((((Fiona))))) Hey, please don't think that feeling will stay with your forever. I remember that when I was getting over my most severe bout with anorexia, I felt VERY unreal, empty... purposeless, for a long time. Depression or something, I would guess? It took a while, but then other things started becoming important, I found a new dream, something nw to hold on to...
You are NOT a bad person. The urges you have mean that some part of you feels that something is missing. The empty feeling is horrible. A part of you wants to feel ANYTHING, so probably that's why you have those thrill-seeking kind of urges, like shoplifting (I mean, think about it, if you are in a store and just stole something, of course you are going to feel SOMETHING, like maybe a rush of excitement, or even fear... and a part of you just wants to FEEL... no matter what, right?
I remember during "my empty time", a former classmate of mine died of cancer, and I was staring outside into the cold winter colors wondering why it was that I couldn't feel anything... why everything seemed so far removed, as if life was out there somewhere, but was just staring at everything through a glass wall...

Kathrin

Kathrin, thank you for your response. You have nailed down EXACTLY how I feel. And it makes me feel a little better to know that what I'm thinking isn't all that uncommon. It's also a relief to hear that you can have this "empty time" and live through it to come out happier on the other side. Thank you so very much. Really.

Fiona

I am very happy that my experiences and what I wrote could help a little. :-)

Kathrin

Hey! I just wanted to reply to as how things are going 4 u? I always feel v. detatched....and days always seem to blend into oner and other, without no signs saying when one stars/finishes.

SO u r by no means aloneX

hi! recently i've felt that whole detached feeling too, like i am an observer of my life rather than being the person that is living it. there doesnt seem to be any real purpose to anything, nothing special seperate the days... and i i've felt this way before, and the thing that i hold on to is that it passed...maybe right now you're just a point where you can't remember what the truly important things to you are because maybe you've been replacing them with other "important" things like an ED or drinking or whatever. and i guess sometimes it's easier for something that you have control of to be what gives you purpose in life because then you dont have to worry about losing it. i dunno, this is just general ramble, just wanted to let you know other people can relate. hope you are doing better