Okay, for the past week, I have been doing really well with my eating, a good amount and mostly healthy foods. No binges (yay!) and drug use is down. However, I am feeling SO unbelievably depressed that I can barely even breathe. I thought that if things were going well, I'd feel happier, but instead I feel like complete crap. Absolutely hopeless. Suicidal. I feel like a completely useless human being, a total failure at everything (including my ED), a complete waste of space. I cut myself tonight really badly, even though I swore I'd never do it again and have been so good for so long. Then I talked to my boyfriend and I made him cry and then I just felt worse . . . I ruin everything, just make messes wherever I go. He said he can't handle seeing me feel so bad, but I don't know what to do! I can't stop feeling like this, it just follows me everywhere. I feel so low right now, I just had to post and get some of it out. Thanks for reading.

Fiona

ok, i know that i dont kknow you very well, but when i read your message i just wanted to post something right away so you know that someone is thinking of you. actually, i posted this message at 2am this morning, but then my computer messed up so it didnt get sent. i really dont know what to say. i know what it's like to feel so down that it's hard to breath like there's some dark weight on your lungs. no matter how much it doesnt seem like it, just remember that this is not a permanent feeling. and please please dont think that you are a waste of space. for one thing you are important to your boyfried who cans just thinking of your pain, adn i know you are important to so many other people. if this feeling is something that you have felt for a long time, are you or have you thought about professional help? sorry i am not being much help, this is frustrating because i wish i could just find exactly what to say to make you feel better. all i can say is that i will be thinking about you constantly. take care

Thanks for responding so quickly even though you don't me well, purplethoughts123. It made me feel better to see that SOMEONE out there is listening to me. I'm scared that my boyfriend is going to leave me because of all of this. I'm frustrated because he says he wants to know everything that's going on, but when I talk about the "dark" stuff he gets so upset and then says something about backing off from me until I agree to get professional help . . . I don't want help, though, I'm not skinny enough or sad enough. Plus I have no money so I'd have to go to one of those free places and from what I've heard they're not very good in my city. I'm finding myself wishing that I hadn't regained the weight I lost, I want to be skinny again. I'm fat now, that's why I'm having these problems. Thanks again for listening.

Fiona

I remember telling my best mate that I was throwing up and she cried. I was drunk and we were just about to go out. I felt sooooo bad!!!
I know how bad the urge is to cut yourself! I still get them...but if I do get an impulse...I look at my last scar that I made on my arm. I do regret that one mind!! I didn't mean for everyone to otice it either!! But, as always...I can get myself outta stuff like that!!!!


Please take care of yourself.....no one said that lifes easy! Sometimes..I wish there was someone there to warn me that !!!!!

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

fiona, i hope you can go back and read what you wrote in your last message and see that your thoughts are neither healthy nor rational. first of all, there is no level of sadness (or thinness) that has to be reached in order to get professional help. it sucks if what is offered in your area is not very good, but at least it is worth trying.
sometimes i wish too that i could be skinny again, i think that if i could just be thin i would be so happy. but that isnt what brings happiness, just like the drugs or you cutting yourself doesnt. the way i see it these are all just ways to avoid dealing with reality and whatever is so scary about it for you.
please consider getting help, and please keep me updated.