Hi everyone... i just joined and this is my first time posting, and I'm hoping someone can help me... I've been depressed and suicidal in the past, and thought I was better... Lately I've been feeling so miserable...its horrible. But one thing that is different from last time is I'm beginning to get very concious about how I look. I'm 5'6" and weigh 127...I wanna be 120 or 125 at least. I feel fat and have tried to go a day or two with very little food, but I couldnt stay away from it. So the other night I tried making myself throw up for hte very first time... but I dunno, I couldn't bring myself to do it. I was over the toilet, finger in mouth, but nothing happened...is this odd? is this how most bulimics do it? I'm considering asking my parents to take me to a psychologist or somethin if I don't feel better in a few weeks, but i dunno if i can get myself to ask them...or admit this to them... Anyone who can give advice thank you in advance.

Welcome to the boards! This is a great place for support and listening ears. From what you described, you may have the beginnings of an eating disorder, or at least disordered eating. It's great that you recognize that you have a problem, and I think the BEST thing you could do is talk to your parents and see about getting professional help. I wouldn't even wait a fwe weeks to see if things improve . . . If you are feeling down, why not look into help right now? I hope you continue posting here, and tell us what you decide to do!

Fiona

Thanks for the advice Fiona, but how do I approach my parents about it? They're the kind who like, deny everything. When I was depressed, about 2 or 3 yrs ago, I wrote a story for english about a girl killing herself. We had to have our parents read them and sign a sheet saying they read the stories, and my mom read mine and just said "no more stories about death, ok?" she didnt ask if I was ok or if something was wrong or anything. I'm kinda scared of how they'll react when I ask them in a few weeks, to be honest with you. What do you think??

A lot of parents have difficulty acknowledging their childern's emotional problems. Just keep in mind that only by telling them will you recieve the kind of help you need. Or perhaps you can speak to a teacher or guidance counsellor or someone else that you are close to, and they can help you talk to your parents, or even tell them for you. It's hard, but it's SO worth it to get it out in the open. Please don't wait those few weeks, either . . .Tell someone now.

Fiona

Hello!
I agree, it is good to get help early on. An eating disorder may feel like a nice coping mechanism in the beginning, but it is so not worth it, because once it becomes full-blown, it takes over your life, and it is NO FUN!!! I know it is a tempting "anti-depressant" for a while because losing weight feels good FOR A WHILE... but as with other addictions, the good feeling won't last, and at one point you will feel trapped and wish you had never gone there. NO FUN!!

Please do get help. And as for trying out bulimia... I had the same experience. Tried maybe twice in my life after overearting, but it didn't work. That is really a blessing, believe me! Bulimia is a terrible disease. Once you get addicted to the throwing up, the binge-purge syclw can so easily become self-reinforcing, with the binges becoming bigger and more frequent too... and it is SO BAD FOR YOUR HEALTH.... and for your emotional well-being too.

By the way, from what you said, you're not fat, you're actually very thin!

Kathrin