first thing i wanna say, is i am not looking for any response here. i just need to get this out and no that other people know about it without having to actually tell anyone in person....i dont know what is going on with me...for the last six weeks i've been throwing up almost everyday...had an ED three years ago and have unhealthy thinking ever since...but it's like now it is hardly even about the food or the weight...i mean i wanna be thin and lose weight but that isn't even the important part...i use it to deal with stress any little kind of it...can't deal with the thought of homework, throw up... dont wanna think about applying for scholarships, throw up... think that i dont even know what i even believe, throw up...stress over whether people like me or not, throw up...but it's driving me crazy cause i wanna tell someone...i just wanna tell them to get it off my chest and to know someone else knows...i dont wanna tell them so they'll worry or try to make me stop...i just want someone to know so i can cry with them...and i know this might not make sense but i refuse to tell someone because i dont even know if i have a problem and i want one, i want the comfort of having a problem i can control, i want it so i dont have to think about anything else...and somewhere i read to technically be defined as bulemic it's gotta be a consistent habit lasting at least three months (read it in the DMV-IV or some psychology analysis book like that) ...even as i type this i know it's ridiculous and maybe i wont feel this way in the morning...i go through stages very moody...i dont even know if this is real...i dont even know if i am over exxagerating just cause i want a problem...don't know what i am saying i am sorry for all this mess...i think i am just selfish (eating disorders are a selfish thing i think) and dont want to have to deal with reality....blahhhh....again, i am sorry for the ramble, i am not writing for a response, jsut to get it out...i am not really as crazy as this might sound, i am just giving into a moment of insanity adn at the moment not thinking of repercussions

I know you weren't looking for any responses, but I want to so let me!! I like how honest you were in that post. I think a lot of us can relate to some of the things you said. I occasionally crave having a "problem" so that I can feel like I matter, in some twisted way. Like if I didn't have anything painful in my life I would cease to exist, or be somehow less worthwhile as a person. So my reasons are a little different than yours, but the general feeling is the same. You can "cry" with us on this board as much as you want, by the way. that's what we're all here for and goodness knows most of us have cried here before.

Fiona

thanks so much for the response. i know i said i wasnt writing for responses (which i wasnt), but it felt good to read yours...just to know people think in a similar way...and just to know i can "cry" with someone (kinda sorta)
oh, and i hope you have a wonderful trip in europe! i went to france for a month a year ago, and it was one of the most enjoyable experiences of my life... hope being in a different and amazing environment/culture will be a great experience for you too! thanks again for the response

I want to send u a reply with a big <<<<<<HUG>>>> attached. Don't ever feel like u r always gonna get a negative response. U r doing right by being honest...and EDS maybe 'selfish' in their own way but that ain't your fault.

Sorry this couldn't be longer.XXX
I am here 4 u if u need someone!
XXXX