Hi,

I posted on here quite a while ago when my mum was first diagnosed with cancer last September and have been popping back every now and again to read through posts to find answers to questions.

My mum was diagnosed with cancer last September when her bowel perforated during the night. Doctors thought it was appendicitus but soon changed their mind!!! She was taken to theatre the next day and have it repaired and tests sent off for a tumour that was found to have caused the perforation.

My mum suffered from colitus so was not really unduly worried as the symptoms of colitus are very similar. What did surface though was that the doctor should have given her regular colonoscopies every year to check for polyps but this was not done and also the tablets that she was given to control the colitus was also known to cause cancer but again, my mum was completely unaware of this fact!!!!!

Anyhow, the test came back positive for cancer and her chemo was started which was every week for 6 months. In that time she lost her hair and had all the other symptoms and was quite poorly.

However, she never ever stopped being positive!!

This July she went back for a scan to see if the chemo had worked and in August we found out to our horror that it had spread and that nothing else could be done for her except some treatment to prolong her life.

The whole family decided to make plans to spend time with my mum and make the most of what we had but unfortunately this was not to be.

Two weeks after being told she was terminal, she became ill as she had a blockage in her colon which was first thought was waste but later turned out to be a tumour. She was operated on and given a colostomy and also had most of her bowel removed. She came around and we were told most of the tumours had been removed but she was lucky to have survived the operation as her intestines were glued together with tumours and they had also spread to her liver!!!!

It was a nightmare come true. We decided to evaluate our plans and in the end all my mum wanted to do was to get to Xmas and to spend one day with all of her children and grandchildren. This was not to be.

She came out of hospital on Thursday 5 Oct and was told that she would have to go into another hospital with a Marie Curie Centre to have the fluid from her abdomen drained as it was causing her to be sick and in pain.

She went in on Monday 9 Oct and was told that she was unable to have the fluid drained as her stomach was full of tumours and that they were unable to do anything at all for her.

Her cancer was so aggressive at this stage!!!!

On Wednesday night my sister called me to say that my mum was dying as her personality had gone and she was going downhill. I was not surprised and we thought that maybe she had a bit of time left.

However the next day my dad rang me in the morning and told me to get to the hospital. As i live an hour and a half away this was not an easy task but I jumped on the train straightaway and managed to get there.

Unfortunately, I was five minutes too late and my mum had passed away at 11.45am.

She was 55 years old and had so much to live for!! She has 5 children, me being the eldest at 35 and my sister being the youngest at 22. She also has 8 grandchildren, the youngest being 1 yr old next month!!!

I am absolutely devastated!!! My world has been totally tipped on its head and i don't know what i am to do now!!!! I am glad that i did not see my mum in her last few minutes as she was fighting so hard to stay with us and when i did see her, she did look peaceful BUT i can't believe she has gone!!!!

I keep seeing her lying in the bed when i left her. It has not sunk in yet but then sometimes it feels as if it has and i cry uncontrollably!! I am totally lost and cannot understand how i am going to survive without my lovely mum.

The sad thing is that she never even got the simplest wish on her list which was a day with her family.

What i need advice about really is how to cope in the next few weeks ahead. I am sure many of you have suffered a loss such as mine and i would love you to let me know how you handled it as right now i cannot have one straight thought and i am just walking around aimlessly even though i have lots to do, I cannot be bothered to do it and just want to sleep and not wake up!!!!

I hope the people who are battling cancer at the moment get through it and go on to lead long happy lives.

Thankyou for reading all of this but it helped to write it all down.

Take care,
A Heartbroken Daughter,xxx

Hi emmalou,

What a tragic story! I am so sorry for your loss.

There is not a lot that you can say that will make you feel any better, but if you can keep thinking that you also are a mom and your kidsneed you, also your brothers & sisters will need your support.

Try to lean on each other for the next few weeks and talk about all the good times spent and try to remember all the joyous time spent together as a family.

Take Care

Josh

Thankyou Josh,

I was just about to log off when i saw your mail and i have to admit you made me cry and i am still crying now.

I know i have to be strong for my children and luckily i have four teenagers who understand my grief as they too are grieving for their nan.

I do also have strong links with my brothers and sister which is comforting BUT i still don't have the one thing that i want which is my mum!!!

All the support and comfort is great but will never stop my pain which cuts through my heart every minute of every day since she passed.

Thankyou for your kind words,
Emma,xx

That's good to see your family bond is tight, as you said the pain never stops but neither do the fond memories you have shared with your mum.

Take care and best wishes to ALL family involved.

Josh

I know exactly how you feel. My father passed away on Oct 5.
Its tough going through the different changes you will experience. I am new to this as well. I have never experienced such sadness in my life. All i can really say is when the tears come let them flow. Embrace the way you feel. The need to be strong for your children is a must but also we are human and its ok to show that feeling. Sitiing down with your children and letting them know how there mommy is feeling. Its ok to cry. its ok to grieve, its ok to feel anything that you feel. Dont bottle it up is what i have been told let it flow through you. . Reflect on the good times. Maybe set up a ritual. Writting in a journal helps me. I hope you take care. If you ever need to talk im here for you :angel:
My prayers are with you, Rebecca

emmalou my heart goes out to you.It's so hard losing your mum in such a sad way. There is no quick fix. People deal with grief in different ways. It's a rollercoaster of emotions with tears, sadness, despair and anger being just some of the emotions you may feel. They are all natural. You may feel that you will never get over your loss but eventually as time goes by, you will come to terms with it and find yourself talking about your mum and remembering the happy times without breaking down.

Rebeccas suggestion of writing a journal is a very good idea. I have found that to be very helpful. I have even written to the people who have died and poured my heart out to them. It helped - I don't know why but it just did.

Your mum had a terrible time from what you have said so at least her suffering is over. That is some comfort.


Best Wishes to you

Lalee

Emma:
I just wanted to post because I DO remember speaking with you way back when. I am VERY SORRY for your loss.

Please know that your Mum will ALWAYS be with you-- in your heart, in the memories of her you hold so dear, and in the eyes and smiles of your children when they do or say something that reminds you of her. She will ALWAYS be around and with you.

Know that she is now in a better place where she feels no more pain and can be at peace.

God Bless YOU and YOUR FAMILY. May you use your Mum's memory to find the strength to go on and help others to stop this unnecessary, avoidable, and horrific disease. Please help us encourage early detection, to help future generations avoid similar grief.:angel:

I thank you for sharing your Mum's memory with me and everyone who has read your post. I do hope you will one day take your Mum's story and share it with MANY others to give her passing greater purpose, by helping ALL of us here who are suffering from colorectal cancer... and all of those who have yet to be diagnosed.

Love and Peace,
CancerDad :angel:

Please don't dwell on the thing she couldn't do, to have that one more day with her family.

Remember how much love you all had for her, she surely knew this. She clearly understood how her family loved her.

I can tell you from a person with this disease that when I consider how much love I have had in this life, no matter what happens to me, I have had a successful life, a life that mattered. Surely your mother knew this same thing.

I don't have any special wisdom about how to get thru the next several days,weeks, and months, but hold close to those other family members. Your mom will live on in your hearts and minds, you will still feel her with you all the time.

You are in my prayers, and my thoughts -

jeni

I am so sorry to hear of your loss of your mother. I too, lost my beloved dad in August. He had be rediagnosed with cancer in his liver in April. The difficult part was that he was doing chemo and his cancer levels were going down, but then his liver failed. I struggle daily with his death as he had previously survived two other fights with cancer when he was given a poor prognosis, so I believed he would win this fight too and I didn't ever accept that he might die from it. The little things can bring on the tears, such as a song on the radio or seeing some project that he completed at my home. People keep telling me that everyone grieves in their own way and how I feel is normal, but it all seems so surreal to me. The other night I dreamed about him and woke up confused. Remeber what you are feeling is normal and May you find peace in yourself and let your memories comfort you.

Lucill

Thankyou for all your lovely and kind words. It really means a lot to me that you all responded to my plea especially the people who, themselves, are fighting this horrible disease!!

It has been a week and a half now and it still has not sunk in yet!! We had the funeral last Friday which was as beautiful as funerals can be! We had a Requiem Mass for her and a carriage with four black horses to pull her coffin to the crematorium. It did make me smile when i walked out of the church and saw the horses and carriage for the first time as it looked amazing and so apt for my mum. She always said that she wanted a carriage and horses so we were able to grant that wish for her.

My mum had also been writing a journal for her children for when she was no longer here which we found and we had it copied and binded into books so all of us have a copy. That is comforting to read but also very very painful. I have opened it once but have not been able to since.

It all seems so surreal as it has not really sunk in yet that she has gone!! I am not sleeping very well and having disturbing nightmares and have no interest in anything. The thought of going back to work makes me feel sick to my stomach.

I get annoyed with myself as i try to remember how her voice sounded but i am starting to forget already!!!! I hate that!!

For the first time in my life i feel totally lost and the one person that i could normally call to talk to and have a lovely long chat with is my mum and she is no longer here!!

That hurts so bad!!

Love Emma,xxx

Emmalou,

I am so sorry for your loss and for your pain. Sending lots of prayers your way. What a beautiful gift your mother's journal is for you and your family.

Take care,
Cats