Hi everyone,
This post is for everyone who is dealing with a loved one who has an ED...not necessarily for the people with ED's. My biggest advice to anyone who is watching a loved one struggle through an ED is this....
DO NOT GET MAD AT THEM! All my friends are mad at me...they're mad at me, they won't talk to me, they say mean things behind my back that always get back to me. It doesn't help. GRRRRRRRRRR, i am so angry right now, that I don't know what to do! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

~sarah~

Sarah,

I know just how you feel. I wish I knew how to help though. I am sorry you're going through a hard time with friends. I hope things get better. You're a great person. You gave me hope when I needed it. I wish I knew what to say to give you the same.

Annie

ok everyone,

Do you want to know why they get mad at you??

I'll tell you why............it's because they are frustrated because they see you slipping away and have tried every trick they know of to convince you that you look fine. You either discount them or argue back with them. I did it too!

They are scared for you and don't know what to do at this point. Think about how you would feel seeing someone you loved and cared for becoming a skeleton before your very eyes that could very well die because of the choices they are making and their eating habit's. You would be frustrated and angry too.

It's not in their power to help you and it frustrates them to no in. The only one that can make a difference is you. Show them you love them and yourself by fighting this disease with all the power you have.

Hope this helps to help you understand where they are coming from. They are not angry at you, per se, they are just frustrated with not knowing what to do.
Cat http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/biggrin.gif

Sarah, I think Catgirl is probably right about the reason for the anger, but I understand your anger in response. What about telling your friends that it doesn't help you when they get angry? If you could give them an idea of what WOULD help you, that might help them. My husband got mad at me a while back because I was really depressed and was letting it keep me from going to work that day. When he got mad, I just got mad too and stayed home all day instead of missing just a few hours in the morning. I think he was mad because he was concerned that I was going to lose my job. He was concerned that I was depressed but didn't know how to help. He felt helpless, etc. Just like Catgirl said. But I finally told him that getting mad did NOT help me. I told him what WOULD help me (being loving, getting up with me in the morning, fixing me coffee) and that's what he's doing now. So if you could think of something that they might do to help, try telling them. Hope you feel better soon. Mel

Thanks for the replies guys! I actually do know why they get mad at me. I have a friend who has had a long hard HARD struggle with severe depression, and I've suffered through similar frustration and anger, only the thing is that I would never ever ever let her know I was upset and angry at her. That solves nothing. I'm such a people-pleaser, and knowing that they're mad at me kills me! It makes me feel HORRIBLE HORRIBLE HORRIBLE HORRIBLE. Because they're watching me go through this incredible struggle, and it has to kill them, because they love me so much. They're amazing people, you guys would be utterly amazed at their inner-strength and compassion.

Thanks for the replies, it helped me to remember that they are only angry because they care...sometimes I forget. hehe http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/tongue.gif

NEVER GIVE UP
~sarah~

One of my best friends, also suffers from depression. She made a phone call to a hotline and they told her that she needs to see a doctor for medication and counseling. She came to me, in tears, and I felt for her. My parents, besides for thinking I'm anorexic, have also thought in the past that I was suffering from depression, and at that time, I probably was. So she gives me strength in beating my ED and I give her strength to beat her depression. But, both her and I are scared to tell people, we're afraid that they'll make a big deal about it...so, hang in there!
--katie

Sing,

Guess what?

I'm a former anorexic and I am also suffering from sever depression. I'm on meds now recovering from the depression. But I have made a lot of discoveries along the way.

#1 is I have suffered from depression long before I feel into my current sever depression. The 1st indication of my depression was when I became anorexic at the age of 16. I became a walking skeleton of 86 pounds. When I fainted in school, I decided that was it. No more. I beat the anorexia long enough to gain a normal weight. I never did beat the fat or guilt feelings and had another sever bout of skeletal walking at the age of 21. Now at 38, I'm home free. Cured for good. Eating a cookie as I speak.

2nd thing I learned is not to be ashamed of my anorexia nor my depression. Anorexia/bulemia is a form of depression and the current statistics on depression is that 80% of the population is depressed. It is not a disease I asked for so why be ashamed. I'm not, I'm going out & doing what I must to be cured.

My point is, don't be ashamed of a psychological disease. You wouldn't feel ashamed if you had diabites or the flu would you? This disease is no different than that. You didn't bring it on yourself, so please, please get the help you need and get well. Cat

I hate to say it, but,I am ashamed,I guess, that this was the path I chose to lose weight. I always told my family that I would never do something like this to myself, yet here I am. I am hurting myself. But, at the same time, I see your point. I shouldn't be ashamed of myself, it's in my mind that I'm 'fat'. And I wouldn't be ashamed if I had the flu. But, with the flu, you can't control it, but with an ED, you have a little more control, kind of. I don't know... http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/confused.gif

But that’s just it, SingingSmiles... you DON’T have control over the eating disorder. If you had complete control over it, you’d be able to just say, ‘okay, I’ll stop being anorexic today’. Unfortunately, there’s a little more to it than that.

Like Cat said, you DON’T need to be ashamed of having an eating disorder. There are millions of people out there just like us, so why should WE feel that it’s unmentionable? http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/confused.gif You say you are ashamed because you always thought you wouldn’t have an eating disorder, and then you developed one because it was your way to lose weight. I think you need to think that one over. I highly doubt that you said to yourself one day, ‘okay, I think I’ll become an anorexic today’, and then went and developed it. More likely you decided, ‘I think I would like to lose a little weight’, and then it slowly it progressed (not sure if that’s really the right word) from there. Forgive me if I’m wrong about this, I’m merely telling you how it usually seems to happen.

Now, Sarah http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/bang.gif http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/bang.gif http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/bang.gif http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/angel.gif I’m so sorry that your friends were getting angry with you. I’m pleased that Cat was able to explain why they were acting like that to you though. It sounds as though you are getting things sorted with them again now, which is great. Let us know how everything goes, okay? http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif

Take care,
Ash

Sing, Ashlee is right (as she often is, you will find) http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif I know how you feel about thinking that it's your fault...that you had control. I often think that too. When people try to help me, I get resentful. i say things like "I did this to me, I need to fix it" or "You can't help me, this was my choice." But ashlee's right. You didn't wake up one day and say "I'm going to be anorexic today" it was a progression, a slow monster that has you in its grips. Don't be ashamed, although I'm a total hypocrite saying that. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif You can get better, I know you can. I have complete faith in you!!

NEVER GIVE UP
~sarah~

Ashlee, you're right, that is what I meant! I did NOT just one day go "i'm going to be anorexic." It was, I wanted to lose weight, and it slowly turned into an eating disorder [sorry if i made it sound differently]...but, at times I feel like it's my fault and that I should have been able to stop it! And that I should be able to make myself better, but...I can't...
--Katie

hi again, katie! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif

Just remember that it's not your fault, as often as you think it is, it's not. That's a big step in recovery...at least in mine, admidtting that it's not entirely my fault, and that I can't fix it all by myself...I need support, I need help, you deserve help too!

NEVER GIVE UP
~sarah~

Thanks Sarah! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif I guess, I'll just have to be ready to tell myself that, EVERYTIME i start to think that! And...with school starting again soon, be ready to defend myself, from everyone, if they start to notice... http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/dizzy.gif
--katie

Katie,

I am also afraid of starting school and having to defend my food and weight and everythign to everyone...but on the other hand I'm soooo looking forward to school, because they DON'T know about my ED. And I can be "normal" and if everybody else isn't focusing on my food it makes me feel a lil' more normal than with my other friends (bless their hearts) that know about my ED and are always focused on what I eat, when I eat, if I purge bla bla bla...sometimes I just need a break from my ED. I mean, I know they mean well, buuuuut, thoughts about food and nutrition and purging and weight and and and and...go through my head all day, sometimes I just wanna be a normal 20 year old who isn't reminded that she has an ED every 2 seconds. Hehe, anyway...

Are you still in HS or have you started college yet? Good luck with the school year starting, maybe it will help! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/biggrin.gif

NEVER GIVE UP
~sarah~


[This message has been edited by youneak00 (edited 07-29-2002).]

I know exactly what you mean, Sarah...Except that I'm afraid that during lunch, when I'm eating with friends who do NOT know about my ED they will become aware of it...only 2 friend of mine that live HERE know about it, and I know I don't have lunch with one of them and I don't remember if I do with the other. But, I don't want my other friends to know, b/c I can't always trust how they'll act towards that [i love them all dearly though, but you just never know with some of them]...

oh, and I'm in high school... http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif Lovely, 'ol high school, nah, not really, but that's okay! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif
--katie