sorry to bother u guys again just need to vent. Feel so awful both physical and emotional. I took laxs last night and all that cam out was water and ive never had so much. I honestly dont know where it all cam from. Will this mess up my levels? I hope my bf didnt catch on what was going on. i feel bad for what im doing i just cant help it. I just cant cope with the need to be thinner. I have never felt so sick using laxs b4 in my life i felt like i was going to throw up and i nearly passed out. I felt like i was going to die. Now being a few hours after i just feel drained and weaker. And now i have to get ready to go to work for the next 8 and 1/2 hrs. I hope everything goes ok and i manage not to passout. Also was wondering what was the difference between passing out and blackouts.
Hope you all r doing ok. Take care of yourselves.

Aw that doesn't sound very good. I've never tried laxs, so I don't have any personal experiences with what comes from them, but try to lay off of them...I'm no doctor, but, I know that they aren't good. And it sounds like your body is suffering because of something...

But, I know how you feel, today I feel like I hit rock bottom. My best friend [who's been gone for a week and a half] came over and we played on the computer...She made me feel so happy, for awhile, and the she left. She hadn't read her email from while she was gone, which was when everything fell together and got worse...but during that time she was with me, even though she had no idea what was going through my mind, I had a sense of comfort. But at dinner, my parents didn't think I ate enough, my mom brought up her "are you on a diet?" question again, and of course i denied anything...but, her question is driving me nuts. But, of the people that know about my ED, I get more love than I could from my parents in a lifetime! My friend also told me about something she learned while on her Mission Trip; 'As long as even the slightest bit of your heart has God inside, He'll never let you go TOO far off of His path' and I'm going to use her words, and hope for the best!

So, just know, that even when you are having a day that you don't think could EVER get any worse or that there isn't anyone who cares, know that God is watching over you and so is everyone here, at the board! I hope things get better for you! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif
--katie

Hey girls! I am so sorry that you guys aren't feeling very well today! Itty- your problems with the laxatives sound really serious. I know it might not do much for me to tell you to stop taking them, but maybe you could try not to take as many? I've never taken laxatives but have had similar experiences with diet pills. I really hope you have a better day tomorrow - and please try to be careful!!!
Katie- I can definitly relate to people bothering you about what you eat. Tonight my friend was driving me nuts with the whole you've lost so much weight talk.(Even though I really haven't) I know when our friends and parents do this it is only because they are worried but I feel so bad and all I can do is deny it and tell her that it really isn't that bad. Well I guess I have rambled long enough, I hope you guys feel better and keep posting to let us know how you are doing!
~Jen~

THANKYOU GUYS SO MUCH FOR YOUR SUPPORT. I REALLY APPRECIATE AND NEED IT RIGHT NOW. STILL FEEL PRETTY WEAK. I THINK IVE LOST WEIGHT BUT IM NOT GOING TO WEIGHT MYSELF UNTIL TUESDAY MORNING SO I AM REALLY HOPING ITS LOWER. I NEED TO LOSE BEFORE MY BIRTHDAY ON THE 17TH.

Aw, well I hope that you have a great birthday! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/biggrin.gif

Was today any better for you? My dad wasn't! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/frown.gif My friend was driving me nuts when we were at the mall, actually, she was driving most [if not all] us nuts! She was telling me the fat, sugar, calories, of everything! She was like "never eat this pizza because it's pure fat" blah. blah, and i was like "shut up! I had to eat that pizza on my vacation, so now I have all that pure fat in my body, i do NOT want to hear that" and I walked away! None of the people I was with tonight know about my ED, so it was very hard, b/c I wasn't hungry but I knew I had to eat something, so I could tell my mom "I had dinner at...blah", so my friend and I split some french fries. SO, now I feel like a fat blimp! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/frown.gif Today, just is a bad day! I was in tears while sitting on my steps when no one was home earlier. I don't know why but I just felt really depressed... http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/frown.gif

Okay, I'm done now! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif
--katie

Hi guys! Well, Itty it sounds like we are in a similar situation. I am trying to lose more weight before my birthday too.(It's on the 19th) I also feel like I should lose weight before school starts and before I get my senior pictures taken. I wasn't taking my diet pills earlier this week cause I had a cold but now I'm better so I started taking them again and they are making me feel really dizzy and giving me headaches. I know this is bad but I feel so fat when I don't take them that I can't stop. All this stuff is so frustrating! I'm really sorry that you had a bad day Katie! Try not to worry too much about what you ate, I can assure you that you definitly do not look like a blimp! Well I have to go but I hope you guys feel better soon!
~Jen~

hi girls!!

http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/jester.gif ITTY-- I've never actually taken lax before...although I HAVE thought about it, so I can't relate from personal experience, however, something doesn't sound right. Especially if it's making you even sicker...would you consider seeing a doctor? It might help....? I do hope you're feeling better today!!!!!! (both mentally and physically!!!!!) You're a wonderful person, just don't forget that ok? http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/biggrin.gif

http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/jester.gif SING-- thanks for posting that quote that your friend gave you. I've written it on a post-it-note and put it next to my computer! Very inspirational!!! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif I'm also sorry to hear that you had a rough day at the mall with your friends. I can relate to not wanting ot hear about others and their calories and bla bla bla. My friends and I would often talk about that kind of stuff, when they started to realize I was "sick" (even before I openly told them about my ED...) they called a hotline-type number to talk to a counseler about how best to handle this situaiton with me. The counseler's main advice was not to say things like "I feel fat" or "I ate so much today..." because it would only hinder my recovery. This is hard to do, especially since I"m in college and a lot of my life (social and otherwise) revolves around food....let's go get a pizza and cram for our midterm...let's get some coffee and catch up....let's grab a snickers bar and a coke to bring to class...It's hard. Good luck with your friends, and I hope they start to be a little more understanding (reguardless of whether or not they know about your ED, if talking about something makes a friend uncomfortable, then you shouldn't talk about it, ya know?)

http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/jester.gif JEN---taking diet pills is also dangerous buisness. Have you considered getting off of them...? I know it's hard. It's part of your ED. But I"m sure that you don't need to lose weight before your senior picture or before school starts. You are a beautiful girl and people love you whether you lose another 10 pounds or not! They love you beyond whta you look like!! You're more than a body, you are a spirit and a soul and a wonderful person inside and out. You are a beautiful light to this board! And I know how frustrating life with an ED is (hehe, from personal experience http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/tongue.gif) but you can beat it if you put your mind to it! I just know you can!!!

NEVER GIVE UP
~sarah~

Sarah~
Thanks so much for your kind words! I'm not sure about the diet pills. I'm almost done with the first bottle of pills that I got and I'm not sure if I'll get more. Sometimes there's a part of me that says I want to stop purging etc... but then there's the part of me that knows if I stop I'll gain weight and I'm definitly not ready for that! I guess I'm just not sure what to do for now but hopefully I'll start figuring things out soon. By the way- I read about your concert on the happy thoughts post and it sounds so awesome! I'm so glad you had a great time! I hope everyone else is having a great day too!
~Jen~

I'm glad you enjoy the quote! I also wrote it down and keep it under my pillow with the 'I am beautiful on the inside and out'...but, today was not better! I feel like I ate terrible! I almost got away without dinner too. I've felt, all day, like I was going to puke, and it got worse before dinner. So, I told my parents and they didn't make me eat it, but then a couple hours later they made me eat oatmeal. They were like "it'll be easy on your stomach, you need food in your system" but now, I feel worse... http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/frown.gif

And, I need to talk to my best friend, but http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/frown.gif it seems like ever since she got home from her Mission Trip, she hasn't come online as much. We both hate phones because there are always awkward silences, so we prefer online or in person. But, she really wants to talk to me about my ED, so we can't do it when we're around any of my family or any of hers. If her mom hears about it, I know, she'd tell my mom. So, I've emailed her a lot but I've barely heard back from her. I have a feeling she's with her boyfriend, or other friends of hers who are kind of friends of mine, but not enough. ugh!

I think I'm getting a cold! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/frown.gif I have a nasty cough and I've been freezing a lot lately! I don't want my mom to catch on being sick, cuz, what if she takes me to the doctor? Then he'll weigh me and prolly realize that something is wrong with me!

I really need to go shopping! Some of my pants just fit...weird or, are too big! And, my shirts are getting big too! Plus, I just want some new stuff to wear! And, school is creeping up on me! I don't mind too much though! I'll be away from my parents more. I'm so sick of this being with my mom all during the day, while my sister and dad are at work! I look forward to seeing all of my friends again, esp Stuart! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/biggrin.gif

Well, I think I'm done now! hee hee hee
--katie

Hey

sing-- I'm sorry you had another bad day! Missing your best friend and needing to talk to her is one of the worst feelings ever. I hope that she's around more in the next few days to get you feeling like yourself again. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif

As for eating the oatmeal, I know me telling you that you shouldn't feel bad doesn't help...but i'll say it anyway. You shouldn't feel bad. Your body needs food to stay healthy...to LIVE. So try to eat a lil' more food each day. Recovery is a pain in the butt, but I know you can do it!!! GO YOU! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/bouncing.gif

Jen -- I can COMPLETELY relate about feelings that conflict when it comes to recovery. The whole "gaining weight" if I stop purging issue. And I've "stopped" several times in the past only to gain excessive amounts of weight in a very little amount of time, then I freak out and start purging again! So it's a valid fear...however, once yoru metabo gets back to "normal" you'll lose the weight again very quicky. (at least that's the experience that I've heard from my friends who've had ED's) And for the diet pills, they're no good, you've finished one bottle and you can stay off of them, I know you can! You're stronger than this! You deserve a life free from an ED, and every step (no matter how small) is a step towards that life. You have a wonderful future ahead for you...so go grab it http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/biggrin.gif

NEVER GIVE UP
~sarah~