I lost my Dad in May....

My Dad was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer and given a year to live. I spent the last year in hospital with him, and he passed away in May.
I got through the first week, no tears, mainly living on some kind of mad adrenaline rush. I thought I would cry at the funeral, but I didn't.

A huge part of me is gone, when I was growing up, it was me and my Dad against everything! I was Daddy's girl, my sister was Mummy's girl.

I miss my Dad so so much, and sometimes plan times to cry alone. My mum was in the process of divorcing him when he died, they had a pretty rocky relationship, this would have been their second divorce! She was pretty awful to him in his last year, bringing her boyfriend to their house and taking their children to spend time with her and her boyfriend. As soon as Dad died, Mum's boyfriend moved into their house.
Mums opinion changes every time I see her, she constantly hints at me that Dad never loved me, and that I should appreciate her boyfriend for supporting her. I have no issue with him, I just wish that she wasn't so desperate for us to forget him. Then she flips and starts crying. I think she's really guilty, she cries a lot, and says she misses Dad.

Her confusing mood swings aren't helping me, half the time I am defending Dad, and half the time I am comforting her. I have had no chance to greive and nobody to talk to. I find it hard to talk to my husband, he finds it hard to talk about because he can't deal with me hurting.

Dad was only 50, he had infinate energy, and he could do everything he set his mind to. He was incredibly intelligent.

All the time I find myself thinking about silly random things we used to do, nothing deep or meaningful in particular, just times when Dad was with us and we were all happy.
I have gained about 4 stone in the year, I eat and eat and still feel empty, I have horrendous mood swings, I often deliberately get angry with my husband so that I can have a different excuse to cry.
I got married last month, I so wanted Dad to be there......It was such a lovely day, I let my Mums boyfriend give me away. But I wanted Dad there. I still have a txt from him on my phone, promising me that he'd be at the wedding.
I talk to him all the time hoping he can hear me.
Sometimes I feel he is with me, and sometimes I feel alone. I was 18 when he died, I'm 19 now. I feel as though I have been an adult for so long. I am struggling to keep my mum's head above water, for the sake of my younger brother and sister. I'm drowning myself though.
I am always perceived as the strong one, and the one that can cope.....The reality of it is that I spend so much time saving other people that I haven't been able to even begin to know what I feel.

I'm worried about myself, I want to get some help, and talk to a councellor, but there's just no way I can afford it, I lost my job when I was looking after my Dad and there was no pension.
My husband is supporting me while I take an online college course, but I'm mostly just thinking about my next ciggarette or meal. I've gone up 4 dress sizes, and have no motivation. I'm lethargic through the day, and nocturnal!

I just don't know what I'm feeling, I can't come to terms with my emotions, and I don't know what to do to help myself.

I miss my Dad.

Hi Ya I am 34 married with four lovely children and I too lost my Dad to a long fight with Parkinson's and strokes. I am glad that you recognise you are putting everyone else before yourself .... you need to deal with yourself first though. You cant be there for the others when you have fell apart. Your Mum has a boyfriend who can support her too, taking a step back doesn't mean you don't love your mum.

I wish you had been able to have your dad at your wedding but i beleive he was watching. My Dad was alive when I got married but too ill to come, we lied to him and said we were going off on our own and doing it so he didnt feel left out, I look at my photos and he is the ONLY person I really truly wanted there. I understand what you said about it being you and your dad against everything, that was me and my dad too!! That makes it harder becuase the emptiness is huge.
You could go to the doctors to get free counselling you might have a little wait but I am sure it would help. (I also use crytsals Apache tear is good)
But You MUST look after you and your feelings allow yourself to greive
:angel: love and hugs

Hi there Loboo,
I know what you mean about the wedding, (obviously apart from my husband, and brother and sisters) my Dad was the only person I wanted there!
In the text message that i mentioned in my post, he promised he would be at the wedding, and that I would always know where he was. I do believe that he was watching over me, but no-one can imagine what it would have meant to have him give me away. He was so involved with the planning, he came to the registry office with Luke and I when we gave our notice of intent to marry. He was so happy, and thought the world of Luke too.

I'm never sure if knew he was dying at this point, he never let on. I know the doctors told him he had terminal cancer, but he never really accepted it, or maybe thought that he had to protect me from it......We always just talked about what we'd do tomorrow, even when the only thing to do was to wheel him around the ward in a wheelchair, and drink cup after cup of weak hospital coffee!!! He never talked about dying, and I never told him I couldn't bear to live without him.
I still feel like Dad was so unready to go. He had so much energy and so much life. Maybe thats part of the reason why maybe it hasn't sunk in yet, whilst the emptiness is so vast, its completely uncomprehendable that Dad is no longer alive.

I am so sorry to hear about your Dad, I feel for you so much, as you said, it was you and your Dad versus the world, and I sympathise with that so very much. I understand that, as with cancer, Parkinsons is a progressive illness. I remember how hard it was to see Dad getting worse every day, looking older, looking weaker, and being in so much pain so often. I remember knowing that he was dying....We didn't keep stuff from eachother, we talked about everything, and suddenly I knew he was dying, and I didn't want him to know. I couldn't talk to the one person who would always listen to me.
I was the only one at the hospital, when I was told that he had a year to live, and I had to tell my Mum. (who thought at the time that he was faking an illness to force her into staying with him.) She seemed to blank the information, telephoning him in hospital and demanding money from him for example. I've never understood my Mum, she can seem quite inhumane at times, but now I'm not sure what to think. She has all this guilt, anger and sadness, and I don't think she even recognises the emotions.

I realise that what you are saying is right, and that I need to step back from Mum, and deal with my own feelings for a bit. The problem is that my brother and sister are pretty dependant on me now already. My husband and I have them most weekends and through the summer holiday and half terms since Dad died. Unfortunately, Mum's boyfriend has a very low emotional capacity. He sort of came into the family at the deep end, and had no previous experience, as a result of this he hasn't allowed Mum to grieve and reacts badly to any suggestion that he could do more to help her. He has hardly bonded with my brother and sister, that is part of the reason why I think Mum is so keen that they spend time with me. That has been getting me through quite a lot I think, I depend on them as much as they depend on me. I see so much of my Dad in them.
I often feel I have to protect them from Mum, because she takes a lot out on them, and hasn't allowed them to grieve either. They have had a really troubled time (at just 7 and 8 years old) and they are just starting to talk to me about what they feel.

I just want to say thankyou so so much for posting a reply. I need a selfish rant sometimes, and thats really what my post was. Just some me-time as I find writing things down very theraputic. I didn't expect anyone to respond, and I'd love to stay in contact with someone who is going through the same as I am. Its nice not to feel alone.
My name is Charlie, by the way.
I hope you write again.
Love and Hugs back, :angel:
Charlie.

p.s. I use crystals too, but am not familiar with the one you mentioned?

Love never dies if you have memories to cherish. My Dad died in 1990 of lung cancer and one of the last things I told him was that he would live within my heart forever. I meant it and not one day goes by that I do not think of him.
No one can rob you of your memories and if they try.........listen with your ears but not with your heart!

Thats really good advice Grana......Its just so hard to do it, I feel as though I should stick up for my Dad, its not like he can defend himself now.

I suppose really all that should matter is that I know my Dad loved me and made me feel treasured....I only hope that my brother and sister are able to remember that part of him, and not the things they're encouraged to think.

My auntie said that i should remember that Dad can't be hurt by Mum anymore, and I shouldn't let her hurt me either.....I suppose that is along the same lines. I do have my memories, and she can't take those away.

Hi again Charlie - Yep Grana is right no-one can hurt him now and the only thing thats important is that you and your Dad both know you had each other. You don't need to defend him. You knew the real man. My Dad didn't see his family ... they didnt approve of him moving away from home. 5 of them came to his funeral though, my Sister suggested they may want to carry his coffin no way was I letting that happen. I knew my Dad wasn't perfect - but so are none of us. I was able to have a loving strong, respectful relationship with him, it is other peoles problem if others couldn't. We are both very Lucky. We had great lovely Dads and if no-one else could see it , there loss. Just tell your mum you love her too, but you love your Dad aswell so please could she not say anything hurtful. That really helped me when some of my family were not so nice with their words about my beloved Dad
It was you + your Dad ....nothing else matters
stay in touch
Lois x

CharlieCat- People can say anything they want about someone you love but it is WHAT YOU KNOW that counts. Just put them on ignore and treasure your memories. People act out in grief in different ways and perhaps this is the way that person who is talking trash is dealing with the grief--------my trying only to remember bad stuff. We all have done bad things in our lives and I am sure perhaps your Dad was human and certainly made mistakes BUT love has no boundaries and NO ONE can rob you of what you know to be the truth in your relationship with your Dad. Perhaps you should just remind that person that you would rather not hear that type of talk that you are dealing with too much and maybe they will shut their traps up!........Good luck and stop listening to someone who evidentally is down on life and all the people in it.

Charlie I'm sorry for you loss and everything you are going thru because I had to read your post 3 times because it sounded like one of my post.My mom is the same way!You can read back on my post and see we have alot in common.My mom did that he didnt love you,and my favorite line hmm maybe he isnt your father..All I can say is let your mom know you have boundries and limits.And I think one thing that has got me thru all her moods is that I have made a promise to myself I will NEVER be like her in any way.I am breaking the chain.I have children and would never say the things she has no mother should no matter what.

Take care of yourself.I did the same as you gained weight,picked fights with my husband who my dad adored.And just one day I just looked at myself and said I loved you more than you will ever know daddy but I cant love myself or my life being like this and I made changes.I seen you liked the rant I love those,a lady gave me a journal when my dad passed and its my journel I write to my dad about my day my feelings good or bad my anger and my goals I have reached which I wrote them on first page of the journal.You can use a notebook just have a book for you and your dad and your feelings.It's one of the best things I have.I hope this will help you some.I wish you well.