My ex finally responded to me and it was a wake up call for me. By the time I was finished reading it I realized I am my sons enabler. I am still seeing him as my little boy. I am still giving him the benefit of the doubt. Worse of all my son is a con artist and I am constantly allowing myself to be conned. That he is skating through life, living off of me.

After reading the email I realized I had to put tough love in place with rules written in stone and you know what I realized about myself? I avoid taking the bull by the reins when it comes to my son. Although I am a yeller in the heat of anger with him, I avoid it at all other times, if I am not angry I avoid confrontation. Here I am worried about his future and right now he has no future. When did I turn into gumby?

Dont beat yourself up cram,us mothers always want to believe in our kids and ive been where you are and worse not only did i enable i was co-dependant which means i lived her life and forgot about my own.We need to find out for ourselves just as they do,so now i got to the point im sitting back letting her learn and reap the consequences,still worrying and fearful,we had a very unsavoury character at the door today looking for her and we just said she doesnt live here anymore,probably a dealers sidekick and yes im scared for her for my family and theres nothing i can do about it,if we could relocate we would,i dont see our kids getting better while they are in the same town,in fact rehab tells you,you cant go back home if you want to beat addiction.Another christmas coming another year of addiction,dont know where it will end.sadmum

Been right where you are. We all have. It's part of the process. So don't take it so hard. You have to get to the point of "I am tired of this crap, and I am not going to put up with it any longer." Their behavior makes you mean. I feel mean, but I know it's not, it's the way it is. I have done all I can for my son. And I know that. I have paid fines, picked up the pieces, found him jobs, made excuses...and now that didn't work. So why do it any more????? You have to get a gut full and get tired to being treated like crap. They use us, because we let them. Don't let them any more. Once we stand up for ourselves, maybe they will take a stand for themselves. I am done now. Son will have to make the first move to contact me. I am done. the only time I hear from him is when he's in need. He doesn't call on my birthday, his dad's birthday, or his brother's birthday. He doesn't keep his word....I always keep mine..if I tell him something, he can take it to the bank. Not so with him. I don't believe one single thing he tells me. He's a liar and a manipulator. If he could screw me to get something, he will. He will lie cheat and steal. Now, I never taught him that......He is living a lie. and you know, he may like that kind of life. I don't know............if he does, he won't change. No matter what I do or day. So, I do and say nothing...............Hang in there and pull your boot straps up and look at the big picture. If a little tough love saves him, it's worth it. If it doesn't, you can say you tried everything........now it's in God's hands.....we will stick together and ger through all this crap ladies!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We are survivors!!!!!!

Your not gumby your being a parent the only way you know how. It was your job to make sure your children are safe and happy. From what I have learned though is that you need to set boundaries and stick to them and if you dont they will keep taking advantage of you no matter what. Now that he is all grown up and think hes ready to be an adult you have to let him go and make his own mistakes and learn his own lessons the hard way without you there to pick him up and make everything better. Set boundries stick with them and just dont allow this to go on in YOUR home dont forget that. Tell him is he cant call you and he wants to go party then he can find his own place cause your not his motel he cannot come and go out of YOUR house as he pleases. He didnt pull this with his father I'm sure. So get strong stay strong and you have raised him and now its time to let him go. Best wishes. Kim

You must remember we have been willing to do anything to help them over this addiction yes its hard but many do it,the bottom line is they want to be addicts more than they want to be clean,we cant change that.This is morbid but i faced my worst fear,that she would die,how would i live with that,for yrs it was unthinkable i would die too.But something changed and i realised i would survive did i not have 2 sons a husband 2 sisters and an elderly mother to live for.People lose children,innocent,law abiding young parents with little ones of thier own who die though no fault of thier own and life goes on within their families.My philosophy- i will help you to be clean but not to be drug a addict-I once felt such guilt but looking back,at what,for being the best mother i know how to be,never perfect,sometimes selfish esp.when i was younger but boy when my kids need me i am there,Hugs to all mums worrying tonight,sadmum

Good post mum.......I will be ther for you to be clean...that's what it's all about. That's what we want........but do they want it???? We can't help them until they do. bottom line. We can't be there if they're drug addicts....we can't do that to yourselves...and they shouldn't want us to. We do let our kids get by with what we let them get by with. Seems as though it always goes back on us. But not anymore. I didn't raise my son to be an addict. He's been clean twice and liked it......so he knows what life should be.....and he knows what's it's like when he's using............it doesn't take a genious to figure that out.........I am sorry to sound so hard-nosed...but it's taken me 3 years of this mess to realize I am not a therapist...only a mom and parent who loves her son so much and will do anything, and I mean anything to help him get and stay clean.......and he knows that....they all do.......that's why they stay away from us.......they know more than we give them credit for.........they are not as stupid as they seem....so we just have to go on with life, and if they happen to find the time to call us, fine...if they don't...fine...life goes on. I am not willing to give up my life any longer in order to see that he's OK....he's not OK...and he won't be OK until he gets his life in order.........and that's his call....not mine......they want to be adults....let's let them get a taste.........they won't like it when they have no one to call when they've had a bad day, or they're sick with the flu and no one to bring them chicken soup........life is what they want it to be....OK...I'm done now.......

BTW: not sure if mine went to court today or not......but guess what.........I don't care.........

cram...god brought your son into this world through you and you are his parent..one of the 10 commandments are honor thy father and thy mother...you can only give your son advice and point him in the right direction...the rest of life is up to him...decision making,whom he loves/cares for...difference between right wrong....his actions are not your falt....god bless ya...im in a bit of health trouble..had a real sore arm for last 6 weeks and went tue to doc...when they took xraqys tthe girl took shot more of my lungs....now i had pneumonia 2 mths ago but stuff showed up on xrays and doc set me up for a ct scan very next am...ive got lung nodules..sometimes they are harmless from what i have been reading but basicawlly these things are how cancer in the lung begins and when i called about follow uo today,doc wqas out and i guess they called her with results qand she wants me there prokmptly at 2 tomorrow...i read where they do additional test from her on out todetermine cancer....just got off of phone with my other doc friend and he said smoking makes tyhese things...kinda scared,gotta go...chef

The days are just flying by here and nothing is changing, except the color of the leaves. I don't have time to deal with his problem, there I go again, see if I had more time I would be trying to fix this for him, calling doctors, trying to get him appointments searching out meetings, etc. I feel when I am home there is a big black cloud over my head.

I told him this morning I had enough, he should look into the military because he has to move out.

He has called me twice today to look at his room to see he put away all his laundry. He is throwing me a bone. He will do one thing to please me and then thinks it erases all else and actually it has worked in the past.

I am just in limbo right now, I am sick of him. I am working towards "working towards" getting him out.

I have a question for Chef or anyone who knows. Chef did you post to me a long time ago about cotton balls or rubbing alcohol used for some drug purposes? Need to know.

Flint, sorry to hear you haven't heard from son. I hope he did make it to court.

Sadmum, I have two kids. By standing by my son, my daughter refuses to speak to me. Cutting me off from my grandson who I helped raise.

Kim, he has broken every boundy I have set. I am working towards an end with him. I have lost so much standing by him.

Good news is I still am not smoking.

Chef i am praying like i never prayed before,keep positive,too many people need you ,you have not reached your potential,what a downward spiral we are taking,not on,time to move up the escalator starting with you.
Cram,that black cloud is not over you,shift it,its over your son,believe me you cant do any more,let go,unless he seriously oversteps the boundarys dont throw him out from experience you will always wonder if you did the right thing,make it impossible to steal from you,i did with my daughter-locked doors etc-always keep calm and be nice,then he cant blame you and if he does you know you did nothing wrong,this advice is to make you feel better not to help him.I couldnt sleep after arguments and as it takes 2 to argue, if i didnt retaliate it didnt happen,may have got abuse but didnt get worked up,just drugs talking and i slept,it took 3 yrs for me to get to this place,feel pity for him but DO NOT ENABLE,my daughter made me not even like myself,stay strong and calm,love and big hugs sadmum

Cram you did all the right things and in my mind it was right to fix it every time,it proved to him they can be fixed,only not from you this time,but you taught him to keep app. and what he needs to do,it was not lost on him and when hes ready to be fixed again he'll know how to do it because his good old mum showed him,only this time he has to do it himself,hang in kid better times to come,your daughter has a long way to go thru life with he rkids that will right itself,dont worry you are a good mum and maybe we are having the bad 7 yrs the bible talks about and our time will come,one summer we will all be sipping good old english pimms togther and wondering what we got worked up about,sadmum

Cram, Seems like we just keep going in circles doesn't it. I feel that way. I have been so depressed this week. Might the cigs, I don't know. I don't feel happy. It's been a months ince I've seen or talked to my son, and I miss him a lot. but I then remember...I miss the son I had....not the one that's doing the drugs.......I don't miss that person......so it might be a good thing he hasn't come around. All I know is that we do what we do because we're parents and we love our kids. Just do what you feel is right...and I know how you feel right now...I feel the same way. I am sick of it. Sick of it all. it has drained the life right out of me..........and I can't let that happen....I don't deserve it.........hang in there and be tough..........

Chef....I was deeply saddened to read your post. Not knowing is the worst part. I agree with Sadmum, you are a blessing to us. I would have never made it through the pre-rehab days without your advice. We need you and you need us, keep us posted, we all started out as strangers, formed a bond and in a strange way have become a family. There is no information about this "lung noodles" on the web, so frustrating! Let's hope this is a late effect of the pneumonia. Our lungs are amazing organs, they heal themselves over time after we quit smoking. You did quit smoking right? On the upside a lot of ladies are going to be praying for you tonight.:) How great is that?

I am so tired of this. Sadmum, I can't keep him here and turn the other cheek, I feel like Flintrock, just different scenerio. A deep funk. I function well at work and school but as soon as I walk through my front door I shrivel up.

I believe, Chef, my son does not want to be an addict, I truly believe that. He is losing the battle against drugs and there is nothing I can do about it.

I think this is why we have been able to quit smoking....because we realized through our problems that we were addicts but our addiction was legal.

My husband has those nodules and the pulmonary doc jsut keeps an eye on them. So don't stress yourself out!!!! It will be fine............

Flintrock, Oh, lol, nodules, I thought he said noodles.

My son knows I am dead serious this time and I am. I told him I blame him for me not seeing my grandson. I told him that if I kick him out my daughter would start coming around. I told him flunk one more drug test and see if I am kidding. He actually asked us not to drug test him tonight to make sure all the drugs from last weekend were out of his system. I printed a cheat sheet to tell me how long drugs are in the system. Otherwise he will con me.

Today he called a addiction counsellor, he has an appointment Friday.

Problem is I told this to my son who understands, it is the addict in him that is going to screw it up for him.

Flint, Sadmum remember the old cartoons where the devil is on one shoulder and the angel is on the other. That's what I see in my son. How about you?

Totally agree, the devil makes them do it. I told my son the same thing. And I haven't seen him for a month. So, be prepared. It hurts like hell, but at lest he knows where I stand and I only do this because I love him. Someday he will understand that. thos nodules are quite common. So, don't get all stressed out. You will know more when you go back to doc. husband had Ct's done too...and they watch them every 3-6 months...they haven't grown any or changed in 4 yrs........so it's OK. I am praying for all our children and for us parents who hurt the most.......it helps...I know you all feel better today...right??? Smoking is killing me.........Chantix helps some, but haven't seen a drastic change in desire......but I wont' give up!:)

Flintrock how many days have you been on the Chantix?

Today is the 9th day. Today was better. I guess being depressed about missing my son so much isn't helping. I'm so stressed out these days. I miss him so much and have never felt so detached from him. I wonder sometimes if I have driven him away...but then sometimes I feel I have no choice but to give him this tough love. This week, not sure how I feel. Just wish I knew if he was OK.

HEY ALL YOU MOMS,
don't give up on your boys or daughters.set up some boundaries show some tuff love,and try not to enable.but let me tell you from experience that if you cut your kid off and out of your life.well it would be the end for me and i know there would be no hope in hell that I'd be coming out of it alive.losing my connection with my mom would be give me no reason to continue with the struggle.she's all i got that makes me want to stop and stay clean and live right.the big question was/is how hard do ya have ta hit bottom before ya realize it and get fed up with it? life ain't easy i just got on the wrong road.I've got plenty ta say but where ta start.heres some 411
I'm a functional heroin addict 46 yrs old still home with mom77 and pop 84
now i ain't got what i should be able to show at my age but i consider myself a survivor .my parents took care of me in my earlier years before dope,and now it's my turn to take care of them.so theres alot of ways ta look at my situation. say what you will but all i know is if i didn't have my parents love i would be dead! is that better off for anybody?
peace Steven

When your child is 22, the mere fact that they will be an addict 24 years later, scares us mothers. I think the key word for you is functioning. I have seen functioning alcoholics and there are functioning addicts out there. But our children don't function when they are high. They spiral down. If they did function, I don't think any of us would be where we are at now.

Flintrock, do you know where he lives? The not knowing is the killer. What about leaving the gf's mother a message and say you would like to drop off a box of winter clothes for him and see if that draws an answer. You didn't drive him away, he knows you love him, you will always be his mother, his gf and drugs can never change that. I guarantee you, you pass through his mind, on certain dates, when he hears or sees things that trigger a memory. He is going to need his winter clothes, we both know it. You and I are dealing with very immature children. They don't think. That is why your son would rather be cold, then get his winter clothes. My son rarely wears a coat, even when it is cold but there are days he does and that day will come because it is getting colder. Give it time.

Did Chantix help you cut down or did you quit completely?

Thanx Cram. I did leave her mom a message...actually 2....never heard a word. I have only been to where they moved once...not sure I could find it again. Prob could try I guess. But I am afraid of what I'll find. He has a court date Tuesday...that will be hard day...not knowing if he went. Yes, I quit by the time Chantix came into play...smoked 1/2 one today. I've been really depressed this last week. Not sure why...Never been depressed in my life. But this week has been tough. I will just keep praying and hoping he calls. And that he is OK.........thanks for your post...I needed it!!!

Hope is all well with you and your child. Give me an update..prayers are with you too!!!

So sorry youre feeling down flintrock,but i think i understand,the sun and fine weather always makes everything seem a little brighter but the dark evenings and cold weather just make us think of our kids out there and we get frustrated as to why they choose to do this instead of being all cosy at home with us,may be just an illusion because of the way we feel but im sure my daughters habit is worst in winter,certainly this year as she has been clean all summer,this is our 5th yr battling addiction and i struggle to believe it has gone on this long,just wish it would end,one time i would wish i could win the lottery,seems a pathetic wish now,had a good weekend but back to reality now.We have to stay positive,ok to feel down now and again but overall the situation aint going to get better because we feel bad,save that ciggy money so we can meet,im sure there will be no long faces when that time comes,big hugs,sadmum

Flintrock I dont know if this is an option but go to court and if he is there it will let him see that you still care about his well being and might show when he needs you will be there for him too. Dont let it turn ugly and you dont even have to speak to him. Just show you care and are there for him when ready. Thats all sometimes a smile from mom makes the day better and lets us know we are still loved. Or if its to hard for you to go I understand. Plus dont bail him out thats up to him. You have done sooooo much to help him already you can see hes alright and leave too. If this is to hard for you to see or go to then just send a prayer for him. This things are very difficult and I really wish I could help more but I cant. Hope things get better and you pick your chin up. Kim

thanks Sadmum and kim...I feel better today. I have decided that feeling bad only makes things worse...for me...I am not sure what to do anymore. i could not go to court. Because if he didn't show, then I would really be worried. So, not knowing maybe what I have to go thru. I can't be there thru all this again. i don't want to be there. I will just keep the prayers flowing and when and if he calls or comes by, I'll be happy to see him. If her mom got my messges, then I am sure he knows I have been thinking about him. And if he knows me at all, he knows that not hearing from him for a month is really hurting me. Maybe that's what he wants. to show me...or maybe he wants to take care of things on his own and come around when he gets his life straightened out. that's my hope. Hope is all we have. but, no matter what...I'll be here when he's ready...thanks for your kind words I appreciate you guys so much. And Sadmum, I am so ready for that visit!!!!!!!! I need a break!!!!!:angel: