I don't know what to do. I want to stop throwing up because I know it's bad for me. I want to eat fat because I know I should. I miss candy and cake. I don't want to die of this, but I don't exactly 100% believe I will. I mean, I understand the statistics and facts, but I think I am the one that it will be different for. I don't want to be fat ever again. I weighed 145 pounds at 5'0 tall in 6th grade. I am now a freshman and am 5'3 1/2 and weigh 110, usually (it varies a little). I feel better about myself in a swim suit, but I still feel bad about my appearance. No matter how hard I try, I can't look like a model and eat like a normal, healthy person. I could just puke everything up, like I do, even though all I eat is a lot of fat free junk. Even pop. I don't eat meat. I want to eat like m & m's sometimes, but still look great. Even a little fat would be okay, maybe. I just feel bad when I am hungry and eat more food to stay full, so I puke it back up sometimes. I have been doing it a lot more recetly. I am getting used to it. I need to exercise, but I feel too tired, can't sleep long enough to feel energized, and I have no motivation. I am on Prozac for OCD and depression. I think I may be bipolar, but I have mood swings several times a day. I can get very depressed. I self-mutilate sometimes, and I think I have an eating disorder, and I want help, but at the same time, I want to stay like this; thin. My mom is worried and threatened to put me in the hospital. She was dead serious. I have read books on eating disorders, but that is just like,"I know what will happen, but at this point, I don't care." I get more attention from guys, so that is a positive side to staying thin. A negative is, I am flat-chested, and I almost lost my period! I was scared. My parents can be real A**holes to me, and my dad sometimes gets a little violent. My mom just slaps me or B****es at me. It is annoying. My friends are afraid for me, and I am depressed. I don't know what to do. I am seeing a psychiatrist, but it doesn't help a ton. Also, I want out of my relationship with my bf. Does anyone have anything to say to help, or at least relate???!!!

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Caitlin

Hey Caitlin, http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/wave.gif

First of all, i want to say that I'm so glad that you found the courage to post your concerns. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/bouncing.gif And on that note i want to tell you, that although I am not a medical professional, you have a problem! There are so so so many things that can go wrong with people who struggle with bulimia. There are health risks at every corner. It sounds as if you know what they are...but maybe i'll remind you of some...rotten teeth, damaged organs, kidney failure, throat irritation, throat problems, throat cancer...death. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/frown.gif You said that you don't think you 100% believe that you can die from this, trust me when I tell you that you can. You're not overreacting, death is a possibility. You deserve help, you deserve to get better.

Does anybody know about your food problems? Have you told your therapist? Your parents? any friends? Sometimes it helps...something to consider.

As for the other things in your post, OH WOW CAN I RELATE!! (as can many others,i'm sure) I, too, WANT to stop throwing up because it's bad for me (and because, frankly, I'm tired of being "sick" all the time) but there's always the issue of being "fat" and gaining weight. As Cat always says, though, how many people do you know that have beaten an ED and gotten fat?? NONE! Work on getting better and the weight that you gain in your recovery will come back off naturally.

Also...candy isn't the enemy, one day you'll realize this (one day we all will)...I know about feeling guilty after you eat! It's a hard thing to stop.

I hope you continue to post, and let us know how you're doing!! This is a great great board for support and understanding! We're all struggling, have struggled, or love someone who is struggling with an ED. It helps to have people to relate to!!

Let us know how you're doing!

NEVER GIVE UP
~sarah~

oh...caitlin, I don't even know what to say! Except that I'm sorry! I'm sorry that you have to go through all of that! I'm a sophomore in high school and i weigh 110, so I can understand the pressures that you feel under when entering a new place like highschool or many other things that go through your mind at that time in your life! And, i don't know what to say except that i'm sorry you have to go through this! But, you found the right place to come! We'll give you all the love and support we can! We'll be behind you and be here to help you as much as you can!! Stay strong!

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--katie--

Thank you for posting, Katie and Sarah. It makes me feel a little better to know someone is going through the same thing, understands, and is there to offer support and guidance. I have told some of my friends, but they all want me to promise them I will stop. What they don't understand is that I CAN'T! I have a disease. You can't just stop your disease, it takes time and effort. I don't want to quit, but I know I should. I just have this terrible fear that rules my life of gaining weight again and not having attention from guys. I know it sounds shallow, but I like their compliments, seeing as very few people ever give me any. Everyone assumes that if they tell me I am pretty, I will be stuck-up. I won't. I just like to feel like I am something special. Since I am depressed, that makes me feel a little better about myself. I just don't know how to break this cycle and love myself for who I am. I know that I should find out soon, before I permanently damage myself or worse.

Hi, I just want to say that it sounds like that you ARE beautiful person. Inside and out. At 5'3 and 110...that's good! I am 5'0 and 140. Your case sorta sounds like mine when I was bulimic. I also suffered from depression and did some self-mutilation. "Head doctors" never really seem to help do they?

I can't help you much but I am always here to listen to you and help when I can. Believe it or not, I do care. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif

*hugs to you* Be safe my friend.

Summer

Oh hon, I know about the friends issue! I go through the EXACT same thing with my friends. I have 2 very very good friends who know about my problem, and they just want me to stop so badly. They love me, and your friends love you too! That's why they want you to get help...but of course, first and foremost...YOU have to want to get help too...cuz you can't do it for someone else! You have to be ready to do it for YOU. Good luck, and we're always here to talk!! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/biggrin.gif

NEVER GIVE UP
~sarah~

Oh, i understand too! It kind of makes me go crazy! Because of the fact that they know! They are always like "so, how are you? are you okay? what have you eaten today?" and the days that they knew I tried to purge they were like "katie stop! Tell someone! PLEASE! Tell your parents!" and they don't realize that it's not that easy to tell them and it's not that easy to stop either! SO, i understand! But, we're here to help you and we understand it's not that easy! So we'll support you and help as best we can! Take care and stay strong!

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--katie--

I went to my psychiatrist today and she was worried about my eating habbits. She told my mom to give me more discipline. Hah! Like that would make me change, right? Well, then my mom and I got into a few of these big argument/discussions and we went to a gym and got memberships, with the deal that if she stopped smoking, I would eat a little fat. I hope this works and I don't get fat. I want to be able to eat what I want and even occasionally a Snickers or M&M's w/o worrying. I haven't purged in 2 days, and I am thankful that I haven't, I feel like I am overcoming it. At the same time, I feel helpless, also, though. It's odd. Thanks for the support!
~Caitlin

Caitlin--

GO YOU! 2 DAYS WITHOUT PURGING?? http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/bouncing.gif I'm so happy for you!!! that really is impressive!!!

Lots of things will work, you're a strong person, if you can restrict food and purge food and do all this power with food...then you surely can to overcome your other issues with food! I have complete faith in you!!

let us know how you're doing today!!

good luck
NEVER GIVE UP
~sarah~

Thanks for the encouragement. My mom took me to the doctors and found out a lot about me. Like I only weigh 105 pounds and am 5'4". and she found out I am bulimic and almost anorexic. We got my meds. changed from Prozac to Effexor to help me. I am gonna be on 75mg a day. I ate some fat today and have not purged. I am proud. I am still battling with myself, but hopeful the "better" me will prevail. I am still afraid, but I am willing to try. Also, I am going to go to a new therapist. And get a membership at a gym. I guess things are looking up for now. I hope it all works out. Thanks so muck for being there. I don't think it would've been easy for me to do this without your encouragement. Thanks!!!
~Caitlin

I am so proud of you for not purging! It's a hard feeling to stay away from, but you're on the right track if you can hold out against it! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/biggrin.gif

As, for your mom finding out, I'm sure that must be tough! But, think about it, now you can get some help! And, don't worry about getting fat! You don't sound fat from what you said your weight was and stuff! And, if you have a membership to a gym, then now you can eat healthy and work out! And, if you eat a snickers or M&m's and feel like it wasn't a good idea, just go and work out for a little while. But, don't over do it! Cuz, that's bad for you too!!

So, stay strong! And let us know how things are going! Take care!

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--katie--

Katie
Thanks for your encouragement. I just am sort-of afraid to change my eating habbits because I have only narrowed them down in the past 2 years, no made them into a broader range of foods. I need time and support, and if I have those, I think I might be able to make it.

Well, I wish you good luck! I'll be here, along with the rest of the people on the board, to give you all the love and support that we can! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif

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--katie--

caitlin-- YOU CAN MAKE IT! I have faith in you. And it's good that your mom knows about your ED, now she can be one of the ones to give you love and support!!

let us know how you're doing

NEVER GIVE UP
~sarah~

Thank you for all your understanding and listening, and also for caring. I hope I get better, but I need to keep my day packed with activities to not fall back into the food cycle, which I am(I purged again today, and I feel fat, and I took my meds. and I am not allowing myself to eat one more thing, except an apple). I already at 3 decent meals... well, cereal, yogurt and an apple count as a meal for me. I need to be busy and occupied, yet not overwhelmed. I need to get into some kind of schedule. I have been feeling tired and dizzy lately. I don't think I should be in a relationship with Aaron right now. I need independence. Please advise me... I have no clue what to do!

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Caitlin

Hi Caitlin!!

I know what you mean about staying busy! It keeps your mind semi-occupied away from food, which always helps!! I do that too...keep busy, do this, do that, then sleep...no time for food. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif I'm glad that you ARE able to eat somethings without purging them! That's a great step! It really really is!!! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/biggrin.gif

As for needing independance from a relationship, I know that feeling all too well. I'm what some would call committment-phobic! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/eek.gif I've never had a "real" boyfriend, though there are many guys I have had feelings for, and one I've even been madly and deeply in love with. So I'm not the best person for relationship advice. But I say, do what's in your heart. Especially if you're struggling with an ED. You don't need anymore stress in your life until you are winning the fight with this...then it may be easier to try and tackle another obsticle. Just ask yourself if you want to make things work with this person...if you're willing to give him and your relationship the time and energy it needs to survive then I say GO FOR IT...if you're not there yet, there's nothing wrong with saying you need space. Good luck!! Keep us posted!

NEVER GIVE UP
~sarah~

Thanks Sarah. You answered both of my questions. I am kinda glad that you can see it is hard to break those habbits, and even small steps are helping, nonetheless. I don't think I have the energy to make it work, but I really don't want to hurt him. I also have issues with being selfish, and I am kinda wondering why he hasn't even gotten me flowers or anything yet, after almost 3 monthes. I know it seems selfish, but I am wondering if that isn't just another excuse to stay with him, or to break up with him. I have a thing where I love the chasing part, but relationships bore me to death. I want to casually date, if anything. And it would be awesome if they could buy me flowers. lol. But, I don't know. Also, I have alot of trouble falling asleep and even more staying asleep. I wake up at 3am and force myself to try and sleep until 8, which never works because I get up at 5, then 6 then 6:10, then 6:30, then 7:30, and I can't force myself to sleep anymore. I take herbal sleeping pills, but it doesn't seem to help. I lie there in bed for 1 1/2 hours before sleeping, sometimes more. I am tired, but my mind races. It has always been like that.What can I do?
~Caitlin

Hey beautiful!!!
Ive been reading your messages and I am sending you big balls of energy and love. It hard to sleep sometimes, I know, its frustrating and just gives you more time for the thoughts in your head to go around in circles. Heres something that works for me:

Lay in bed in and completely relax every muscle in your body, starting at your toes, then relax your ankles, then calf muscles etc etc the whole time visualising it im your mind. Work your way up to the top of your head, then when your whole body is relaxed, visualise a big broom in your mind sweeping away all the junk you have in your head. Pretend you are sweeping inside your mind, sweeping away everything, leaving you with a compleley blank space. Take a deep breath and enjoy just having that moment of peace.

Never forget there are people out there who care, no matter how incincere the internet and message boards seem, we are all real people sharing our feelings just like you. Good luck my friend, we will all beat this in the end. xxxxxxx nikki

Thanks Nikki for your help. I will try that, in the meanwhile, feel free to write about anything else to me, you give very detailed advice! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif

Caitlin,

I am just like you!! I love the chase, and relationships bore me!! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/biggrin.gif There's only one guy I'd even consider being "un-single" for, and unfortunatly he has told me (and I quote...) "You know I love you, I always have, but I can't take a chance with you knowing that I might have anotehr chance with **her** and if I were with you and got a chance with her, I'd end up hurting you, I'd be with her even if I were technically "with" you...." THAT MADE ME WANNA TRUST GUYS!!! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/wink.gif And I don't think you're being selfish...I'm like that too. It's like a symbol that they were thinking of you, that they put you first in their mind. I think it's adorable!! And as for not being ready to be in a relationship right now, I think it would hurt him less if you told him that, than tried to make it work and 3 months down the line still feel "tied down" and not completely happy.

As for not sleeping...I DO THAT TOO!!! I never sleep! It's been months since I've slept through the night (actually I can remember the exact day of the last time I slept through the night and it was the first weekend in april). It's from the lack of nurishment that the ED provides...which I've never really understood, because you would think that your body would be so weak that you would sleep more, not less...but hmmmm...

NEVER GIVE UP
~sarah~

Thank you Sarah. I am still trying to figure out what in the hel* to do about him. I understand your advice, it's just that sometimes, I get in better moods, and he is just like the best bf. He respects my decisions, gives me space, loves me, and tries to be there for me and help me all he can. He is awesome, and I think if I break up with him, I will lose the best guy in the world... He wouldn't morally be able to go out with me again he said because it would hurt too much if we broke up. He loves me completely, even if I won't have sex for a long time... when I am ready, and with whom I think is devoted to me... He is great, and I think I am just trying to make my life miserable so I feel I have nothing to live for and can k*ll myself, or something odd like that. Maybe I just want freedom. Maybe I want independance... I don't know... I will have to see... also, I need to eat a little fat and get more sleep; this is crazy! I have no energy, and I puked again last night... I really need to get sh*t straight soon, before I really mess things up. Thanks for being there!!!
~Caitlin

Hey Caitlin!!

It makes me so happy to hear you say that you KNOW you have to eat more food, and stop purging. That's a hard first step. Admidting that you have to change. (of course, the actual changing part is the hardest...but you're making progress...you will beat this!!) http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/biggrin.gif

As for the boy issues, that's a tough decision. I HATE HATE HATE losing people...it's so hard for me.

But I can totally relate to trying to make my life miserable. I often go on binges where I self destruct. I push everybody away from me, I shut myself in my room, I refuse to answer the IMs on my computer or my cell phone. I won't let anybody have any contact with me. I stay in my room and b/p and cry. I feel like my life is out of control and so I want to make it as out of control as I can. And for everybody else...I feel this incredible amount of pain and they don't even know, I want them to feel crazy, I want them to feel pain, I want them to know what it's like to have someone just leave out of the blue...and not come back. So I go into these self-destruct phases, I generally regret them afterwards, but I can definitly understand where you're coming from, maybe not exactly, but I understand the mindset!!! You're not alone!!

Hope you're feeling a little bit better, and you're starting to get some insight on your boy issue!! Good luck sweetie!!

NEVER GIVE UP
~sarah~