Okay, I'm going to do a little vernting now...

My day started out great! I talked with one of my friends who knows about my ED, and she was really talking to me about getting help, and how she thinks i'm pretty and skinny! And, to try and eat and go on a HEALTHY diet. When I got off line from talking to her, I felt so great about myself! I looked in the mirror and I saw a wonderful person and a wonderful body! It didn't look like my thighs were huge anymore, it didn't look like I had a flabby stomach! I felt great! I thought my day was going head on and strong!

My day dropped from then! I thought that I'd be fine if I ate lunch and dinner today! So i did! But after each one, I felt sick...I had come up with ways that I could escape to a bathroom, and purge everything that I have eaten, and feel better! I never went through with those, thank goodness, i was too scared!

Then, I was at drivers ed...if we had our permits with us then we had to take ours out. Well, I did, so I took it out and put it on the table. The person next to me, picked it up and looked at it. She was like "is this your REAL weight" and i was like "yeah"...She said it in a way that she didn't believe me! That she didn't believe that I could be 110 pounds. I felt even fatter at that moment! I wanted to scream and run out of the class! I wanted to hide!

My parents, my friends, my parents friends, my whole family, all call me skinny! Why can't I believe them? Why, do i have to look at myself and see this? And act like this? It's just not fair! And when I told my mom after dinner [on my way to drivers ed class] that I felt sick and that i thought I ate too much she was like "you did NOT eat TOO much!" and i was like "but I feel sick!" and she didn't say anything!

Okay, well, I think I'm done for now!


------------------
--katie--

Katie-
I am so sorry that you are going through this at such a yound age. I however was once in the place that you are, and pretty much still am. I finally hit bottom my Junior year in high school when my weight was 78 pounds, I was eating 1 apple each day and that was all. There is no easy way to control this disease and you will never be fully recovered. I am 23, 5'3", and weigh 110 dripping wet- I can still wear childrens clothes and I still diet. I look in the mirror and I do not like what I see- I feel like like I am fat, but on the other hand I look at the sizes of my clothes and know that I am not. What you have to overcome is a mental problem- like I have. You need to be able to look into the mirror and see reality-a thin, beautiful young woman. I know that is harder said than done- I have been battling this for 10 years now- but it can be done. You also need to have self esteem and control in you life. Know that there are always other people out there who know what you are going through. However, you do need to face the facts- if you continue to purge yourself, it will kill you and I know that you are not literaly dying to be thin. Have you thought about counsling? You need to fnd out what the underlying problem is that is causing you to purge yourself so you will be able to correct your problem.

Hi Katie,
You should listen to your friend and people who care and beleive them. Don't worry about someone's reaction to your weight that you don't know. Don't worry about what others think, that person could have meant anything or may have been paranoid about their own weight.
Try not to be so hard on yourself. It is difficult to defeat an ED. Try taking small steps and ccongratulate yourslef when you have a good day even if it's only I hour. You can then make progress and slowly get your body used to healthy food.
I know that feeling when you feel fat and it causes so much anxiety. Try to take your mind of it or just talk here. You can do it ! I t definetly helped me stop purging when I ate healthy and talked at length to a psycologist. Have you considered talking to anyone?
Take care,
Mel

I'm soooooooooooooooo glad your day started off so great!!! You changed you thought processes, if only just for a short time...YOU DID IT! And that's not an easy thing to do. Mel is right, congratulate yourself on small victories! And this WAS a victory!! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/dance.gif

I know you feel bad about eating lunch and dinner...but that's the ED talking, remember that. Yuo deserve food...and you gave your body food! ANOTHER VICTORY!!! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/bouncing.gif Even if it doesn't feel like it, you ate and didn't purge...even though you wanted to. Yuo found self-control...I'M SO GLAD FOR YOU.

I'm sorry about the person in your driver's ed class...stupid person. I know how it feels to have someone completely strip you of your confidence, and it's not fair! I'm so sorry they had to be so insensitive. But Mel is right...try and believe the people who love you. You are a beautiful girl with such a bright future...and those who love you can see that, they want to help you see that too!

NEVER GIVE UP
~sarah~

I have only had long talks with my friends about it, not my parents, other family members, or someone who could get me help.

Today, was a bad day though. I ate all 3 meals today, and that made me feel so terrible! But, I'm trying to get better myself, w/o help from someone in a way that my parents would have to know!

But, this morning, I sat in the bathroom, when no one was home, trying to get myself to purge! I kept gagging and then i broke down in tears. I left and sat down in front of the tv in tears until my mom came home.

Then, my friend called, and asked me to go online so we could talk. I talked to her for an hour. She said that she's realized that my ED has gotten worse and she's really worried about me. She's trying to get me to tell someone, and I know I need to, but i'm so scared! I'm going to work on getting myself better and get the courage to tell someone, if I can't do this with the help of just my friends and I. I hope it works!

Then, at drivers ed, during the break, this girl and I went and bought popcorn and a pepsi...she got the popcorn, and i got the pepsi. She made a comment on that I'm so skinny because I didn't eat the popcorn or candy the teacher was passing around. And, it was really weird to me, but it was the same girl who said yesterday "this is your REAL weight". So i don't know.

Anyway, that's about it for today...

------------------
--katie--

I just want everyone to know, that from my last post [about 5 minutes ago] i found out how happy i really was!! I'm mad about some things, but I have happiness that i haven't felt THIS much, in a long time! I love my friends! I love them so much! I hate my ED! and I am better than it! I can beat it! And so can all of you!! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/biggrin.gif

------------------
--katie--

YES YOU CAN!! GO KATIE!! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/bouncing.gif

Hi Katie,

That's great you didn't purge and had 3 meals. It is so hard but you did this and it's a big step. Keep talking to your friends about it and talk here.
Have you considered telling your parents or one of them? This can really help on the support side.
My mum really helped me to stop binging by talking to me all night if I needed it and just telling me how much she loved me and sitting outside the bathroom worrying. I hated it at first and was scared to tell her but it did really help. Just a thought.
Mel

Hey Katie,
How ya doing today?? Just wanted to pop in and say hi and see how you were doing!! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif

Mel--your mom would really sit outside of the bathroom while you were purging? Wasn't that hard for you guys? Did it strain your relationship at all? Lately I've been considering telling my mom, because I think if I'm gonna ever really get better I need to stop lying to everybody. But I'm so scared, because I know she'll hate me. It's encouraging to hear of stories where parents were supportive and helpful!!

NEVER GIVE UP
~sarah~

Today, was an amazing day!! I'm so thankful! Again, I've eaten three meals, w/o purging! The thought never even came to my mind! After dinner, I felt sick, but I held it in, and pulled through!

I saw my best friend today! She stopped by my house to drop some papers off, and she gave me a HUGE hug and said "I'm so glad you're getting better! I love you katie!" I was so happy! Then, I ended up going to her house, where we went swimming in her pool! I know that she doesn't like her legs or stomach [just like me] and I think that helped me! I knew I didn't have to worry how I looked around her! And that she'd be my best friend no matter what! [like she's told me tons of time]. I ate lunch at her house too, which in a way, I think made her happy! She, could see that I was eating! And she knew I was okay or at least on the road to being okay!

I'm going to try and not tell my parents. Just, because, I don't want them to feel like they have to be with me everytime I eat. I can eat on my own [i did this morning]. It was really scary though, making sure that I ate!

But, I know I'm on the right track! And, it's the greatest feeling in the world! And, even if it takes time for me to get to the place where I was before, where i was comfortable with how I looked, at least right now, I have my best friend and a couple other friends who are there, to make sure I get there! I love them so much! It's the best feeling in the world!



------------------
--katie--

Wow, Katie, I sure do hope you realise what an accomplishment it was not to even THINK about purging after you ate! Well done! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/grad.gif You’ll beat this in no time if you continue on like this!

I love your optimism! Your posts and 9Volt’s right now are so optimistic and it makes me feel hopeful again too! I’m glad that you have your friend that is so supportive of you and trying her best to help you recover. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif Friends are an asset to recovery, wouldn’t you say?

Good on you for eating breakfast without anyone forcing you! Do remember, however, that if you DID feel ready enough to talk to your parents about your disorder, there are many things that you can tell them so that they understand that FORCING you to eat, and watching every meal you eat, isn’t the way to go.

All parents are like this at first. It’s just them caring and protecting their kids – wanting what’s best for them, even if sometimes they go about the wrong way of showing it. You have to admit that it must be extremely worrying for a parent to discover that his/her son/daughter is struggling with a disorder as deadly as anorexia or bulimia! You have to give them a chance to learn about this disease too, or else they just won’t UNDERSTAND what to do and what not to do... and that’s hardly their fault!

Have you ever thought about talking to a school counsellor? From reading your posts it doesn’t sound to me like you have anything against going except that your parents might find out. Well, as far as I know, your school counsellor isn’t allowed to tell your parents any of what you have told them and therefore, it’s safe for you to go there without your parents even knowing!

Good luck with everything!
Ashlee

Hey Katie!!

I'm so happy for you!! Isn't it the best feeling ever to feel comfortable with your body. I remember that feeling, quite vaguely...but we'll all get there some day!! I'm so glad you're having a good day!! puts me in the mood to party!! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/dance.gif

Hey Ashlee--how have you been doing girl? You haven't been around much lately...let us know!! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif

NEVER GIVE UP
~sarah~

Thanks everyone! Those couple of days were such a spirit lifter for me and I needed them, so much!

Unfortunately, today, was NOT my day! With 3 friends leaving it was hard! I woke up this morning feeling great! I looked in the mirror and felt great about what I saw.

It, was only too bad that I couldn't have kept up that feeling a little longer. After, I showered and got ready to start my day, I felt fat! I looked in the mirror again, looked fat, horrible, like a completely different person than I had seen just a little bit before.

Today, it feels like I over ate! I feel like I should be at the healthclub working everything off and losing weight! My sister wanted pasta for dinner, so we went and got some from a place near by. I felt so sick after eating it! I had decided that what I ate was bad! Too much fat, too much that i just ate! My parents were gone at a friend's house and my sister and I were supposed to meet them there a little later. When, my sister left to go get more pictures, I went into the bathroom. Again, I tried to purge! Again, I failed, and broke down crying in the bathroom.

It, stinks so much, because I don't have my best friend to call up or talk to right now or see and just get a huge hug from! I need someones shoulder to cry on, desperately! I weighed myself and broke down in tears! Today, was a bad day! I've already decided that tomorrow, if i HAVE to eat, then I'll eat, but it'll be very little and light healthy food! My mind is going crazy! I'm so confused!

I have come to the conclusion though...that when trying to recover from an ED that I can't expect EVERYDAY to be great and wonderful! There are going to be those days where you fall and can't get up! Where, you need someone to take your arm and pull you up! And, today was one of those days! Today, I'm stuck on the groud!

But, I'm in hope that tomorrow is a better day! And, I believe that it can be, too!!

------------------
--katie--

Katie~
I am so sorry you had such a bad day! Try not to worry too much about what you ate today. Like you said, there will be bad days but you have to put them behind you and make a fresh start. I hope that you will be able to see your friend soon, I know how hard it is not to have your friends when it seems you need them the most!

I haven't posted for a few days but I wanted to tell you how happy I am that things have been looking up with your ed lately. It is inspiring to see how positive your posts have been. You seem very serious about recovering and you should be so proud of yourself for that! I know everyone here is! I hope tomorrow will be a better day for you, let us know how it goes. Good luck!

~Jen~

Hey Katie,
It's ok that today wasn't the best day, there are ups and downs...it's all part of an ED, unfortunatly. But I KNOW that you can beat this thing! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/biggrin.gif

It's wonderful that you woke up and felt good. Small victories are the ones that count! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif I always tell my friends (who are concerned that my recovery isn't going well)...I always say, "it is better to take SMALL steps that work, than to take HUGE leaps that fail." I'm glad that you looked in the mirror and felt good, if only for a second! Everybody deserves that second of feeling good!!

I'm also sorry that you feel like you have nobody to talk to about this! You can post here as often as you want, I promise I'll always read and i'll always respond!!!!! We understand what's going on, we can relate...sometimes that's just the extra knowledge you need to not purge or not starve yourself.

I believe in you! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/bouncing.gif I really do! You're such a wonderful person who offers such support on this board! Good luck, and I'm thinkng about you. Let us know how you're feeling tomorrow!!

NEVER GIVE UP
~sarah~

Thank you all for the support!

Sadly, today wasn't very good! But, I mean, it could have been so much worse! I woke up this morning in tears! I had had a nightmare that planes were crashing into buildings and houses in my town, my neighborhood! my dad had picked me up from school and i made him go back cuz i had to save my friends! I knew i couldn't live without all of them! But, i woke up in tears and screaming before I saw how it ended! but, it scared me so much!

That nightmare just set the mood for me the rest of the day. My dad asked me why I don't eat very much...he said that my little salad wasn't enough to keep me going. Then, in church, I almost passed out! I was dehydrated and overheated. I had to keep leaving to get a drink of water! Then, I made a cake for my grandmothers birthday party we are having tomorrow and I wanted to throw it away cuz i know my parents will make a big deal if I don't eat her cake!

But, then I got a call from my friend! She asked me to go online so that i could talk to her! I wish I was in Florida with her right now! Then, she could have hugged me and told me it's okay! And, then I could have gotten a tan, too!! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif

Anyway, that's basically it for now, for today!

------------------
--katie--

Hi Katie,
I'm sorry you had that terrible dream. I hope you can tell your parents and get some support. It is scary but I think you will be surprised at how much they will want to care and help you. It was the only way I would ever have been able to stop binging and purging.
Good luck with this.
Sarah, My mum outside the bathroom while I threw up did dive my mad at first. I remember screaming at her etc. It was awful because she would cry outside. I ended up feeling too awful and really wanting to stop. I felt like I wasn't just hurting me but her also. She was willing to do anything to help me stop and I would just cry and talk to her and tell her how much the ED was controlling my life and how scared I was of ending up in hospital or worse. It took a while but it helped start the healing process. She was also really happy I confided in her and I think you guys will find the same.


Mel

Oh katie, i'm sorry you're struggling so much right now! things will get better!! I have faith in you!!

Mel, I'm so glad things are good with you and your mom!! I hope one day I'll be able to talk to her like you and yours!

NEVER GIVE UP
~sarah~

Today, was a really bad day! we had a party for my grandma, so there was cake and icecream and my mom shoved it in my face, and i was going to say i didn't want any, or just a really small piece but she put it right in my hands, and i was kinda mad, and what not. And then my grandma was talking about how her sister, is really thing and not in very good health. And she said that she's only 89 pounds i think it was, and my first thought, scared me, i was wishing that I could be that skinny! Skinny enough that i was only 89 pounds, cuz then i wouldn't feel so bad when I ate greasy food, or chocolate! I'd know that if i gained a little weight then i'd still be a good size... Then, my grandma went on how one night she ate to much and threw up. and I wanted to say "easy enough for you to say, isn't it?"

And, my mom made French Toast for breakfast! And, I LOVE french toast! that is one thing that i have always loved! So my parents would have known something was wrong if i didn't want french toast so i ate it and felt sick after from eating!

and, now, I JUST told another friend of mine about my ED! I'm in tears! I'm so scared she'll tell someone! But, after she told me about her new boyfriend, i decided it was the right time for me to tell her! And it's just really scary! ::sighs:: I don't know what i'm going to do! I'm so scared!

------------------
--katie--

Hello,
I am a "kind of" recovered anorexic too.
You know, that is an illusion, that you would feel ok about eating fatty foods as soon as you are 98 pounds. There was a time when I thought, wow, when I am 112 pounds I will allow myself to eat sooo much!!! And then, a little while later, I was maybe down to 108 and thought, wow, when I am 105 lbs.... It is not rational thinking.
It goes down and down, and probably at 98 you would think, well, if I start eating again now I will NOT be 98 any more, so I better lose 2 more lbs so then I can eat and then if I gain I will just go back up to 98... but by then 98 will sound "too big".
See how much of an illusion this whole thing is?

by the way, I think that girl at driver's ed... sounded like she didn't believe your weight because she probably thought you were much skinnier than 110.

Kathrin

Kathrin--
I hope that's what she meant, but, like I really don't know! it's hard, to tell sometimes with some people, but I'm trying not to let it bother me.

------------------
--katie--

Hi Katie,
I'm so sorry to hear that your grandmother's party didn't go as well as planned for you. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/frown.gif It's always hard to be in situations involving so much food. As for the thoughts you had when your grandmother was talking about her sick relative, I can completely relate. I've thought that before. I will look at people who are sick and think "damn, I wish I were like that...." Or people will say that they are very ill with the flu and haven't been able to keep anything down for a week, and I will get jealous, because they dont' have to push their fingers down their throat to purge. The thoughts are irrational and they make you feel crazy, because how could someone feel like that...and yet you do! I know the feelings oh too well!

But Kathrin is right when she says that even if you were that small you still wouldn't let yourself eat. There will always be another "3 pounds to lose"...THEN you can eat what you want. But it will never end. That's the problem with an ED. It never stops.

I also know the fear about telling a friend for the first time about your ED. There's always a fear that they will tell someone...or the fear of how they will react. But the more people who know, the more people that can help you and support you through this! You can beat this, I know you can!!! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/biggrin.gif

NEVER GIVE UP
~sarah~

I already am regretting the decision of telling that one friend. She was talking to one of my friends who knows about it last night. [i told her the people who knew about it] and she told my best friend, who told me after it happened that she said "if katie doesn't tell her parents soon, i'm going to tell them for her" OH! I was so mad!! I told my best friend to tell her that she shouldn't do it, and that I went to her for love and support, not for her to 'tattle'. I also asked my best friend today that the next time she talks to the friend that said that that she makes sure to emphasize that it's a PERSONAL struggle! and it's not her struggle, it's MINE!! And, so you can't have people do everything for you, b/c part of what you need to develop is courage and self esteem. [at least i do]. My best friend told me she will! She told me how much she loves me and how proud she is of me! Not for having an ED, but for trying to get over it! For at least telling SOMEONE! [even if it's only a couple of friends].

Last night, some friends decided to play a joke on me! They decided to tell me that they were in Florida together looking at colleges. And, having had such a bad day, I believed them. I told my mom, and I was mad. I was telling her "the sad thing is, for me, I don't think any of my friends would EVER invite me to do anything like that!" I was in tears bawling! Then, my best friend, again, came to my rescue. She told me that they sent her the convo and told her how they were playing a joke on me. She told me the truth! I was in tears even more! Then, finally they told me that they weren't there. I told them that I could care less, and I didn't care where the heck they were! When, they'd ask if I was mad at them, I'd ignore the question. SO, they decided to call me! I have been bawling for the last 30 minutes and was still going! I had to answer the phone and try to hold back all the tears that were welding up in my eyes. They were like "katie are you mad? We're sorry!" and i said "i don't care" and they were like "what's the matter katie? what's wrong?" I started crying, I'm not sure if they could tell or not but I was like "i've had a bad day, week, summer, everything!" and they were like "what's wrong? Please tell us, katie! We are worried about you!" I was still crying! and i was just like "i can't you guys! It's too hard!" They ended up staying on the phone for two hours! I really wasn't in the mood to talk to them for that long, but i did anyway. I didn't want to be rude and make them think that i was mad, which i kind of was, but it wasn't really at them! It was mainly at myself and so many other things!

I wrote my best friend a long email last night! I was in tears writing! I was appologizing for everything. When, she responded to it today, she told me not to be sorry for anyone of that! She told me that i am good enough the way I am! She's always told me how beautiful she thinks I am. And, it's always made me feel a little better, but not enough. I hear it from her and I KNOW that she means it, but it's so different to hear it from different people.

I got a makeover today! We were at the mall buying school clothes and then my sister needed more eye shadow, so I got a makeover. The lady kept saying how beautiful I looked! And that made me feel wonderful! Then all of the other ladies that were working at that counter kept coming over. They were like "wow! She did great! You look amazing!!" And, I still felt wonderful! When, my mom told me I looked beautiful, it made me happy! She tells me that everyday, but today it felt so much better! Today, was a pretty good day, except for a couple little things here and there.

And, the other thing that bothers me about when people have the flu and they are telling you "i haven't eaten for 3 days cuz I feel so sick!" i just want to say "that's easy enough for you to say!" I wish it were that easy! But, if I felt like I had the flu everyday, or used that one on my parents, they'd take me to the doctor, and then he'd notice something was wrong, if he hasn't already. If he really would look at his charts he'd notice that I lost 15 pounds one summer! And that was without trying! Man, I want that again! That made me feel wonderful! And, now I'm at 110, and I feel so stuck at this weight! Last night I weighed myself and I was 109, but I'm always within 109 and 111. but most of the time 110. I just...even though I'm sure it must sound sick, for my height, I wouldn't mind losing a couple pounds! because I want to lose some fat from my thighs and my stomach! i think my mom would be so mad though!

When we were at the mall today, we went into one store, and I got two pairs of jeans, and two shirts to try on. Well, one pair, i liked, but I didn't want to get them, along with one of the shirts. The other shirt was a Medium and the pants were a 6. I had to send my mom to get a size 4 in the pants and a small in the jeans. I think she was a little concerned about that! Last year, I never would have even though about wearing a small or a 4. Then we went to another store. I picked two pairs of jeans, but instead at that store I got, 3/4, b/c their pants run big. And they fit, but they were a little big, but if i got the next smallest size it would not have fit.

It's weird because some of my really small friends are so happy when they move up a size. Like one of them moved up to a 2 from a 0, so we're all happy for her, but here i am, happy when I move down from my 6 to a 4. It's such a different boat for her than me!

Well, I think I'm finally done rambling now!! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif

------------------
--katie--

Hey Katie!! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/biggrin.gif

I'm so sorry that you're regretting telling your friend about your ED. But I think you put it beautifully why it is YOUR PLACE (not theirs) to tell yoru parents when (and if) you ever decide to. I always find it so difficult to put into words what I'm feeling, and you did a wonderful job of it!

I'm so so glad that you have a best friend that you can talk to about your ED and everything. It's very important that you have people in your life to love and support you regaurdless, and if you feel you can't tell your parents still (which I totally understand, mine still don't know....) then you have a wonderful friend. That's awesome!! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/biggrin.gif

Getting a make over is always fun, and it's always reassuring to hear that you're beautiful!! I'm sure you looked fabulous http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/bang.gif

Shopping is always a difficult thing with someone with an ED to do. I hate having to be surrounded with all those mirrors and to critique my own body in different clothes.

Good luck, let us know how you're feeling tomorrow!! I have faith in you!!

NEVER GIVE UP
~sarah~

I love shopping, but I agree it's very hard to look at yourself while you're surrounded by mirrors. And, it was really hard! Because, I do find clothes easier than my sister, but for me, I still don't feel good in it! And we had chinese food for lunch! After that I was like "omgosh" and I thought about purging! but, then I was like "my mom will know! I'll have no where to run to when I start bawling!" so i didn't.

Today, wasn't a very good day for me, sadly...

This morning was the day for sophomores to register for the school year. So, my friends and I all met there and got our lockers by each other and stuff. So, then my friends and I are leaving the school heading to her moms car and I hear someone walking really close behind me. So, I turn around and I see my friend [he's also my crush] with his mom walking around my friends and I. I melted inside! I hadn't seen him at all. And, I didn't say hi to him, and he didn't say hi to me! And as soon as I got home, I started crying! I'm not sure why, but I think I was sad about that! That once I finally saw the guy that I care so much for, I froze and didn't have the decency to say hi to him, even though he's my FRIEND!

Then, today I had my LAST drivers ed class! And, I was thrilled, except that there is a guy in there, who I like also. But he lives a couple towns over from me, so I'll never see him [unless he hangs out with my best friends boyfriend and i'm around then, too]. And, so I'm going to miss him and the new friends I made, there too! I didn't get anyone's number or email address. So, I'm losing all contact with the people that I became friends with! That's really sad, for me!

Also, I got an email from my best friend. And she suffers from depression, and she thought she was getting better. And, now she's on the beach and has too much time to think and is getting really sad and crying too much again! And she's far away so I can't help her! And, so both of us are suffering and we're miles and miles away from each other! Only, our words can help, which doesn't always get you very far.

I just finished talk to a good friend of mine who moved away last year. He's a vegitarian, and he says he feels so healthy about himself and the way he eats! And, I want to feel like that! I want to feel healthy!

Well, I guess that might be it for now....yeah, I guess so. How's everyone else doing today?

------------------
--katie--

Katie---
i'm sorry that things are remaining difficult for you http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/frown.gif That's no good about your friend/crush. Sometimes feelings are hard, maybe you weren't ready to deal with them just yet...things will get easier, you'll see him more when school starts, right?

As for feeling healthy, I know that feeling. I want to feel healthy too! We're on our way. I have faith in you girlie!! you can do it!!

I'm also sorry to hear about your friend. My best friend also suffers from depression, and in HS it was really bad. She was in and out of psych wards, it was hard to watch her, I know how devestating it can be.

NEVER GIVE UP
~sarah~

I'm so thankful that I will see him more soon! heh--the hard thing though, is that, one of my friends that knows about my ED [not my best friend but a diff friend] thinks that it's all because of my friend/crush. And, it isn't! I mean, sure, he did put some extra pressure on me. When he'd go around calling me sexy, of course that made me feel good, but then he'd get all weird and act like we weren't even friends, and then I started to always feel bad about myself. I'm so scared to see him and talk to him, yet I want to see him and talk to him--see his smile--hear his laugh, again!

Today was another day that I felt like I over ate. I hate that feeling so bad! I really do wish that it were so easy to feel healthy! I believe that both of us can, Sarah! But, it's hard! When you feel like you will have that healthy feeling if you lose weight, or if you get rid of some of the 'fat' on your body! And, that's what I hate more than anything!

How is your friend, now? Is her depression, at least a little bit better than it was? I'm so scared for my friend! I gave her a link to the healthboard for depression, she's just scared that her parents will find out before she's ready! Which, is the same thing I'm worried about with my ED. But, we're sticking together!

How, have you been Sarah?

------------------
--katie--

Hey Katie...

OMG, I'M SO GLAD YOU SAID THAT STUFF YOU SAID ABOUT YOUR CRUSH!! I have friends who have pinned my ED on a guy (that I love with all my heart, btw) anyway, but you're right. It's not. However, I know the pressure you're talking about!! Like, he's coming to see me next weekend and there's this added pressure to lose weight, but he doesn't put it on me...I PUT IT ON ME. And I know it's crazy and everything, but OH WOW, i'm so glad you feel that way too! I mean..err, that came out wrong. I'm so glad that you know that feeling,cuz I thought I was the only one!! :::sighs as huge weight is lifted off shoulders:::


As for my friend with depression, yes she's doing better now. But she's one of my friends that knows about my ED and she's really struggling with that. Because now she feels like she can't talk to me about "her problems" because I'm dealing so heavily with my own. And that's kinda putting a strain on our relationship at the moment...but as for the depression aspect, once we both got into college things settled down. I mean, she still has severe bouts with it every once in a while, but it's been since out senior year of HS (almost 3 years ago) that she's been in a hospital. So yay her http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif

As for me...eh, I've been better. I'm trying so hard not to purge, but it's not as easy as it should be. I guess even though I knew I was out of control, I still had the belief that if I wanted to quit I could. Only it's not that easy, ya know? I didn't purge for 2 days straight this week, and although the scale said that I hadn't gained any weight, I still felt horrible. So I'm back to purging again...well I was for the last few days. I haven't purged today, although I've only eaten part of a bowl of soup...I can feel my stomach getting hungry. I'm trying to hold out until dinner, although I almost know what going to happen after I eat....so we'll see.

However, happy news...I got my period yesterday (or was it the day before...I'm not sure now...) but it wasn't real. It was very very very very light, but hey, it's more than I've had in almost 8 months, so I'm taking it as it comes!!

How are you doing today?? let me know!!

NEVER GIVE UP
~sarah~

YES! That's exactly how it is!! I'm glad to know that I'm not alone on that feeling too! Cuz, MAN, it's hard! And, after I saw the guy at registration, and neither of us said hi to each other, when I went home and started crying, I did start to wonder that maybe he didn't say hi because he thought that i was 'too fat' to even be friends with anymore, when I've actually lost weight this summer. Not a lot, like 3 pounds, but hey, it's still something! My ED was getting better, or so I thought. But, then after seeing him, I start thinking more icky thoughts and then, i start getting ideas of when I can not eat, or find a time to purge. I don't like that feeling, it's kind of scary!

As, for not purging, even for those two days, it's a start! I'm so proud of you! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/biggrin.gif Maybe, you'll get the courage for another two days soon, or maybe 3 days! And, each day you don't purge that's a day to be EXTRA proud of yourself! Hang in there!

Yay for your friend! I know the feeling though, that you said she kind of feels. Like, after I started to get my ED, and as it got worse, I was afraid to tell my friend. I mean, she's me BEST friend, and I knew that she had enough to deal with, but, I realized that we both will understand each other so much better now! I mean, when I was little my parents always thought that I should go to counseling, b/c they were worried about me. I always thought that I didn't deserve to be where i was, to be alive. So, I think that is kind of why, I'm not suprised that I got an ED! Because, it partially comes with what I had earlier in life. I was never diagnosed with depression, but looking back on it, I must have had it! But, today just that whole side of my ED, being depression has been bad! I've been yelling at my sister, then running away crying. hiding my face from anyone who came near me, crying myself to sleep. UGH....it's been bad!

Well, that's about it, for now, i guess...

------------------
--katie--

Okay, time for more venting...

I'm so sick of my ED! I'm sick of the thoughts that come through my mind! I'm sick of hiding it from everyone!

I hate feeling fake all the time! I don't know if anyone else does the same thing that I do, but I can be incredibly sad, but I hide it! I act like I am happy, when I am around people. I try to be all peppy and the person that they think I am, but when I'm alone, I'm sad and depressed! I'm sick of this whole thing! It drives me crazy!

And, school starts soon! And, I'm all excited that I'll get to see my friends more. But, my BEST friend I don't have any classes with http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/frown.gif and even though it'll be easier for me to hide my ED, I'll have to be fake even more! I'll have to hide it from the other people I'm around! Cuz, all of my friends know that I am talkative, I'm energetic, and I'm happy! But, I'm not! At least not anymore! I've fallen down a hole and I've hit the bottom! I feel like I can't be cheered up! I feel like I always need to cry! That I always need my Best friend! That I always need a hug! I feel so lonely! I feel like I need someone in my life to love me! [My family doesn't count] I'm jealous of my friends with their boyfriends! Esp the one who got hers like so easily! I have to work for the guy that i like! And, I still end up with nothing! We're friends, but sometimes that just makes it worse, because you want so much more! And, I feel lonely! Just, so lonely!

eugh! I think that I might be done venting, for now... http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/gabby.gif

------------------
--katie--

Hey Katie!

I'm so sorry that your feeling so sad! When I read your post I was like oh my gosh! I feel the same exact way! I don't think anyone would ever think that I was depressed or had an eating disorder because I always act really happy and peppy. People always say that I'm the happiest person they know and I'm like if you only knew! I also know how you feel about guys. All my friends get boyfriends so easily and I can't get one. I always wonder what's wrong with me that makes guys not like me. I just wish I had someone who really cared about me!

I'm sorry you don't have any classes with your friend. That's always a bummer but maybe you'll be able to meet some new friends. I start school this week and I'm excited for it but kind of dreading it at the same time.

Sorry I kinda rambled about myself for a long time, but I hope you feel better soon!
~Jen~

Hey Katie and Jen,

Not a lot of time...wanted to reply....I'm so sorry that you're feeling sad still Katie! And both of you...I can relate to your boy problems!! My new philosophy is that boys suck!! (sorry all the members of the male species that may read this, I know girls aren't that great either most of the time)

And as for feeling FAKE....omg, so do I!!! I hate it! I hate living a lie!! I hate lying. I feel like that's all I do anymore. I lie about what I eat, I lie about how much I eat, I lie about throwing up or not throwing up...I hate it, I hate it I hate it!!! But don't give up, because there is a better life for us out there! I know it! So don't give up on this now!! You're better than this, I know it!

NEVER GIVE UP
~sarah~

Jen and Sarah--

Anyday that I am just a litte sad, my friends make a HUGE deal about it and are like "OMG! What's wrong? Are you okay?" It's like the expect me to always be happy! But, I'm not! I'm just--not! I can't help that!

And, I have come to the same conclusion, Sarah! I think that boys suck! they are out to get me! [and, like sarah said, sorry to any males out there] And, it doesn't help that my parents are so protective! My dad would freak if he knew that I danced with guys before! I was watching a movie one time and he said that the people dancing were too young to be dancing like that and i was like "dad, they are seniors" and he was like "so, your sister is too young to be dancing like that, heck! so are you!" and so i decided that i wouldn't let him know! But, he's so protective, so even if there was a guy that liked me [well one that didn't scare me half to death] then my dad would prolly go after the guy!

I wrote a song last night while in tears! I haven't been able to finish any of my songs recently and actually...think it was okay..or whatever. I was satisfied with it, and i showed it to some of my friends, and i warned them that it was very dark! Like, darker than anything that I have ever written and it was all so true to me...to what I think of myself, and all this that I deal with...

yeah... http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/gabby.gif i'm done now, I think....

------------------
--katie--

Hey Katie,

My parents are also very overprotective. I'm 20 years old, and sometimes they still freak out. I have to keep reminding them that I'm old enough to pick my own friends. Hehe, http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/tongue.gif They've never actually met any of the guys that I've EVER EVER dated...I was always too afraid, because I'm such a committment-phobic person, I felt like that was a huge step, like "meet my parents" hehe. I'm dumb like that. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif

Congrats on writing a song! I think that rocks!!! I wish I could write songs. Do you play guitar or anything? If you'd ever like to share your songs with anybody and you're scared to show your friends, I'd love to see them. (I'm such a music-aholic) http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/biggrin.gif I could give you my IM name or my e-mail address so you wouldn't have to post for the whole world to see if you didn't want. anyway...

hope you're having a great day!!

NEVER GIVE UP
~sarah~

Hey Sarah--

Actually, I am learning guitar! I'm not very good yet and stuff but it's so much fun! I want to be the next Michelle Branch kind of person [hee] but I also want to do some acting too! I'd love to share my songs with you guys, if you'd really want to hear. Most of them aren't very good, but I really like the one I just wrote! It really has a lot to do with the struggles that I go through with my ED and stuff! Very powerful and emotional song!

Today was a really bad day for me! I feel like all I did today was eat! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/frown.gif My mom, sister and I took my dad to lunch and we went to this buffet thing, and so I skipped breakfast [but i normally do that anyway] cuz I knew we'd be going there and, after i finished eating I wanted to puke so bad! And, so we're not having a real dinner tonight [thank goodness] because no one is hungry enough, but I still feel--ick! My dad even went and made a comment "not feeling very hungry?" and i replied "no, not really". But, I still think that I ate WAY too much!

Then, I have a confirmation class tomorrow, and we're having a lunch/pool party! Well, I'm not looking forward to that at all! I don't want to wear my swim suit in front of all the guys in my class and stuff. I don't even like to wear it in front of my own friends! And, so then my friend invited me to stay over at her house tomorrow and then I'd just be there until the pool party, but that means i'd have to eat breakfast and lunch at her house because she doesn't know about my ED, so she'd prolly be concerned if I skip meals. And, I'd have to be all fake for even longer! I'd have to be fake from when i'd get there tonight until I'd leave tomorrow afternoon, plus being fake then around my mom, to help her at her work! And, I have to have my time, where i know that no one is watching my everymove--i just can't handle it! And, I really need to shower tomorrow too, so I'm thinking I'll call her and just tell her i don't feel well--maybe add in the shower thing too! But..i just..i hate lying to people about this kind of stuff! It feels like that is all that I am ever doing! I'm always putting on a show so that no one is concerned!

And, I hear that last night my sister went up to my best friend and was like "is katie okay? She's always acting sad and weird!" and my best friend was just like "that isn't my place to say." But, my sister ended up complaining about me, so the topic quickly changed, but STILL!

Well, that's it for now...

------------------
--katie--

Hey Katie!

That's awesome that you're learning guitar! I'm so jealous!! I wish I were musically inclined, however...I"m not (NOT EVEN A LITTLE BIT) http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/wink.gif I would love to read your lyrics! I'm such a music-nerd. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/biggrin.gif

I'm sorry you feel ick about what you've eaten today!! I'm sure you still didn't come close to eating a "normal" amount of food, though. One meal, and your dad's comment must mean that you didn't even eat a full one. It's ok, I know how hard it is! But try and remember that food is not the enemy! I don't want you getting any sicker! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif

I know about the fear of bathing suits (didn't someone else post this a little while ago...I think it was Mel when she went to Hawaii...anyway....) I agree! COMPLETELY. I won't wear a bathing suit, in fact, I don't even own one. It's too hard or something. I just can't do it. So small steps are good steps! Owning a bathing suit...YAY...going to a pool party...YAY. I'm proud of you girlie!! Let me know how it went!!

As for your sister asking about you and then complaining....OH WOW, I CAN RELATE! And I know the typical thing to say is "You know it's because she cares about you, and she's worried about you..." and I"m sure that's all true, but I know how badly it hurts. I know what it's like to hate yourself so much, but then find out that everybody else is complaining about you too! Don't worry, one day this will be better!! I just know it. You're such a strong person, I can tell! You have the strength to conquer your ED. I have faith in you!!!

NEVER GIVE UP
~sarah~

Thank you Sarah!

Well, I feel so lucky, kind of! There was only about 15 minutes that I could have had to swim and my friend and I decided that we weren't going to! So, even though I was wearing my swim suit, I had clothes over it and NO ONE had to see me AT ALL with my swim suit on! I was so thankful!

As, for today...it was so bad!

For lunch, I was at that pool party thing and I had to eat, and they had gotten fried chicken, which first off, i hate how it tastes, but secondly, is too greasy and oily-and ick! So, then for dinner my parents were making pasta and I asked my mom if I could have a salad cuz i said I wasn't in the mood for pasta and she let me. But, then, we're sitting down to eat and my dad goes "I hate that you're not eating REAL food for dinner" and i was like "i AM!" and he said "no you aren't!" I got so mad and I wanted to cry, I was so close to crying so much today! It stunk!

Then, earlier, I was helping my mom at her school and I almost passed out! I felt so sick, and I'm starting to feel all light headed and dizzy again!

I just spent the last 2 hours venting to my best friend, about everything! She vented to me, I vented to her! Now, we both hate the phones but because there was a huge storm her dad wouldn't let her go online but told her that she could call me, so we did our venting and crying over the phone! It felt great except I think we were both trying to be quiet so that no one would hear us. I found a pic from Feb and it made me cry, I saw a pic from 8th grade that I wanted to burn! Old letters, poems, it was so emotional! I feel like I have so much emotional baggage that I'm hanging on to! I don't like that!

Well, I think I'm done, how was your day Sarah?

------------------
--katie--

Hola Katie!

I'm glad you didn't have to show anybody your bathing suit...I'm even more glad that you had it on in the first place!!! Go you! Look at your strength, it's so encouraging!! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/biggrin.gif

I know about the parents and the "real food" issue. My parents say that too, only when they do, I just eat the food, then rush upstairs to purge. I can't do the anorexia thing, I'm not strong enough. I am weak, I eat, then I have to purge. blah!

I'm also glad that you ahve a best friend to vent to! Hold on tight to her, because she's very vital to the success you'll have in beating your ED! I know this, because all my lifelines have slowly drifted away. I only told 2 of my best friends about my ED (they in turn each told my other friend) So 3 people knew...and in the beginning I could talk about it and things were ok, but now I can't. I have to pretend like everything is fine and that I don't have problems purging (that I don't purge at all). I feel so horrible, like my whole life is a lie, but if I talk to them about my issues they get frustrated at me. They don't understand why I can't keep my fingers out of my throat...I guess I don't understand it much either. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/tongue.gif

My day started off horribly!! My best friend, that I love with every ounce of my heart (who I love as more than a friend and always have...) told me that I'm "all ****** up" I started crying. It was so horrible to have him, of all people, tell me this. I love him so much, and he's put up with so much of my crap lately that for him to say that he thinks I'm ** up was a devestating blow. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/frown.gif

But it got better as the day progressed. I'm still seeking help in everyway I can, my headaches and dizziness are back too. I can't purge for a day or two, so the food I'm managing to eat is minimal. My throat is so painful. Too much acid burning through it...maybe this is the break it needs, the time I need to reevaluate my life, and get back on the right track!!

hope you're having a great day!!!

NEVER GIVE UP
~sarah~

You always mention instant messanger, do you have AIM, if you do and ever wanna chat, I'm ALWAYS on. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif

Sarah--

Aw, Sarah! I'm so sorry that your day started terrible! It sounds like it must have been hard!! I'm so sorry! I hope that all of tomorrow is much better!

My day, hasn't been too terrible! Except that i feel like I've eaten too much, but I'm trying so hard to not purge! I hate it when I get that feeling!

I had a voice lesson today and my teacher said that she wants to hear some music that I love to sing and that I think I sound good singing, because I've sang the kind of music she likes to--and--I'm "not good at her stuff yet". Oh, I had no idea what she meant by that but it hit me like a dagger in my heart! Because i had no idea what she meant by that, but it hurt so much! I mean, I know that I don't have the BEST voice, I can admit that, and that's why I've turned to her, and she's a WONDERFUL teacher...but I don't like hearing that! I have always been too hard on myself with my singing voice! I always hid it, and stuff! I was so shy, and now I've come out of my shell and I'm going to REALLY try to pursue music and performing as my CAREER, so since it's SUCH a hard business, I'm turning to help earlier! But, it hurt me so much! I mean, I already have very little self-esteem and confidence, so that just hurt me so much!

And, I do have AIM! It comes with AOL, so that's the only IM thing that I use! I'd love to talk to you sometime! I'm on a lot too! I find it keeps my mind off of things sometimes!

Oh! And today..like normal, I was cutting up a nectarine for my lunch. I have a nectarine or some other piece of fruit for lunch...even if I'm not hungry for it, just to try to keep my family off my back a little bit more, and that's healthy...so, that's what i've been trying to do rather than skipping my breakfast and lunch. And, so i asked my mom if she'd like one with her lunch, cuz then I'd cut hers up while I was doing mine. And she was like "sure! but you should have some REAL food with that!" UGH! I was so mad! I don't eat anything more for lunch...but, she was keeping such a close eye on me, so I made a piece of toast with peanut butter on it! I felt so sick and fat after that! ick! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/frown.gif That wasn't fun!

Well, I hope that you have a wonderful day tomorrow! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif

------------------
--katie--

Hey Katie,

I'm sorry about your voice lessons and the teacher. I know what you mean about simple comments cutting so deeply. I feel the same way, I'm very sensitive, and my ED has seemed to only increse my sensitivity level. However, it is WONDERFUL that you're getting the voice lessons. Practice makes perfect! I'm sure you already sound great and that she'll help you sound wonderful!!! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/biggrin.gif It's so wonderful to find something that you love to do!

I'm so glad that you're eating SOMETHING...even if it is only a piece of fruit! That's one extra piece of energy that your body can use!! It really is good, Katie, really!! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif Just remember that if you DO eat more than your piece of fruit, you're still thin. Eating more does not mean that you get fat immediatley. When I was babysitting this past week one of the little boys I babysat (he's 10) overheard me talking on my phone about food. I had said something about how I looked gross now because I just ate SO much food...and later he said to me, "It's not like you look fat once you eat, you look the same, ya know?" That's one of the hardest parts for me...I feel that after I eat (unless I purge) that I look fat all of a sudden. Like my jeans have suddenly ballooned up to a size 16 or something. I dunno....So I'm glad that you're eating.

Also, it sounds like your parents are starting to think that something may be wrong. Have you ever told them anything about your ED?

If you ever wanna see if I'm online my screenname is the same as my username here. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif

::sending happy thoughts your way::
NEVER GIVE UP
~sarah~

Hey Sarah!

I've never told my parents anything about my ED but I just hate having them on my shoulders all the time! It doesn't help any of the feelings that already go through my head on a daily basis!

But as for what you said about feeling like your jeans balloon up, I feel the same way! As soon as I eat something, whether it be a piece of fruit or cheesecake [which i ate tonight...ick]...I feel fat! Like my size 3/5 have increased and that anyone who looks at me will be like "OMGosh! How much has Katie been eating lately?"

Today, my friends and I saw Little Secrets! It was really good, but...there were so many parts in that movie that I started to feel bad, like for example when a character in the movie said "You can't keep secrets if you want to live a true life" and I felt so terrible then! But I can't help but keep my ED a secret! I'm just not strong enough to tell anyone who can get me some real help, y'know?

Then, on the way home, my mom was driving my friends and I home and she was like "did you eat lunch?" and I was like "no". And she made this noise like she was disapointed in me! But, I woke up at 11 and I was seeing a movie at 1! Like, I'd even be ready for lunch--esp if she thought that I had eaten breakfast!

Well, I start school on Monday! I'm happy because I've been so bored and I miss my friends, but I don't have any classes with most of them, and the ones that I do, it's like all the same class! So, I'll be by myself for most of the day! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/dizzy.gif

------------------
--katie--

Hey Katie!

From the sounds of it, it seems like your parents kinda know something is wrong and that you're having food issues. Just the fact that your mom would ask if you've eaten lunch (and then groan when you haven't) shows that she knows something isn't quite right. Have you considered telling them? Are you afraid it's just going to make things worse (that's still where I am...it WILL make things worse for me, and I can't deal with that)

As for the secrets and lies, I'm right there with ya. I'm perfectly happy in my life until I realize that the whole thing is a lie. All the lies I tell to myself, all the lies I tell to my friends. Actually the other day my friend said "Yea, so do you talk to (name) anymore?" And I was like "yea, why?" And she said "Oh, because she asked me yesterday if you were throwing up anymore..." and I said "I don't talk to anybody about that. I can't tell you guys these things, it's better for everybody if nobody knows...." My friend just sat there, she knew I was right. When they knew about my purging it was hard on them, and it was hard on our relationship. And now it's just easier to keep it all a secret (from everybody)...but it sure does get hard sometimes!!

Good luck with school...I'm starting monday too, and I can't wait!! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/bouncing.gif But I'm concerned about my ED. I know that it's a lot easier to have an ED while at school, because my classes are at such weird times and all throughout the day that I'll have excuses not to eat...and i'm out and about so much it's easier to hide the purging. I dunno...Just a concern...

NEVER GIVE UP
~sarah~

Hey Sarah--

It was nice getting to talk to you tonight! How was that movie? What did you see?

I'm really scared that my ED will get worse during the school year!! I have a feeling it will be so much easier, which is a relief but also such a scary thing!

I don't have any classes with most of my friends, but I do have lunch with some of them--and, one of them knows about my ED, and I've asked her not to make it open to everyone if she notices me not eating much, or at all and she promised she wouldn't...but it's still hard on me! Esp because i have to be fake 24/7!

And i haven't really thought about telling them! I mean, I have a little, but I keep thinking against it! I have a feeling that they'd keep me under lock and key! They are already VERY over-protective and I don't want that to become ANY worse!

As, i was telling you earlier, my best friend came over to my house and we cried and talked for 2-3 hours. Well when she got home her mom got mad at her for coming to my house b/c my parents weren't home! My parents even told her [when they saw her walking towards my house from the school when they were on their way to the school] to come and see me! Her mom got mad at her. So we were complaining more online and stuff...and she said that she thought I looked really pale tonight! I've always been a very light skinned person but she said that I looked extra pale!

Well, I don't feel very well tonight, so I'm planning on not spending too much time online, maybe get to bed early and then sleep all day tomorrow! I'll talk to you soon!

------------------
--katie--

Hey Katie

It was nice to talk to you online! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif

I didn't see a movie, we went to get something to eat instead...and that was ok. I went with my 3 best friends (all who kinda know each other, I guess...) but it was fun, despite the fact that we went to Friday's and I had to sit with food the whole time. As for me, I got a glass of water. All of the three people who I was with knew about my ED. But one of them is incredibly worried about me. When he ordered food, he kept trying to give me some. I wish I could make him understand that it's not always about the food. I really wasn't hungry last night. I had eaten dinner. (if he knew I had only had 2 rice cakes he prolly would have thrown his food down my throat, hehe) but despite everything, I did manage to eat about 1/4 of a breadstick and 1/2 a potato skin (which I, of course, peeled all the cheese and butter and bacon off of!!!) He smiled. After I ate it, of course I wanted to purge it, but I didn't. I know I"m hurting my friends and I can't do this to them anymore. So as soon as they think I'm better and stop asking about me, I think I'LL feel a little better. So I can totally relate to your friends at school issue!! You don't want them telling anybody because the more people watching over you, the harder it is!!

I'm glad you got to talk to your friend, and I"m sorry her mom was a brat about it! That's not cool!! Especially since you guys had such a wonderful conversation and helped each other so much!! I, actually, talked to my best friend tonight too, for probably 2 hours. She has severe depression and bi-polar disorder and has struggled severely with it for years and years. And we finally talked. It was amazing how much we could connect. I felt weird talking about my ED in such detail to someone who has can eat whatever she wants and stay really thin, but the mind issues were very similar. I think it helped for us to connect. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif

good luck at school tomorrow! I start tomorrow too!! I CAN'T WAIT! I'm starting my 3rd year in the Education program at my college so I get to start actually TEACHING in a school for part of the time! I'm so excited!! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/biggrin.gif

NEVER GIVE UP
~sarah~

Good Luck tomorrow! I don't want to start but at the same time I do! I want to see my friends, but I don't want the pressure that comes with them and stuff!

Well, I hope that you had a wonderful time with your friends! I understand how you felt!

Today was a bad day for me! I feel like i ate way too much and I want to puke! I also just feel so fat! I'm sick of this feeling!

I hope that tomorrow is a great day for you and me! Good luck again!

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--katie--

Thanks Katie!! GOOD LUCK TO YOU TOO!! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/bouncing.gif

It's really early in the morning still, but I always get up early to work out and go running. This morning, however, I heard something that scared me. My aunt brings my little brother to school every morning (because his school conflicts with my school schedule in the mornings). And this morning I walked downstairs in my tank top and pair of my best friend's boxers (they're my comfort clothes...they make me feel like he's with me or something, I'm dumb...) anyway, I walked downstairs to get a bottle of water, and she said http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/eek.gif "whoa, look at you, skinny." and I just smiled. Then she said something else to my mom, that i could still hear. She said "She's getting too skinny, she's starting to scare me." and of course my mom said "no no, trust me, she eats plenty." (of course I eat plenty because I jab my fingers down my throat!) Roar! But it scared me, because I had just looked in the mirror and I didn't think that I looked skinny. Is my mental image getting messed up again?? I'm scared to go to school now, because all these girls I'm in school with (it's mostly girls b/c I'm an Education major) are so skinny and pretty and I'm scared I'm not gonna eat. I need to eat, I need to get better. ya know? http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif

I know what you mean about not wanting ot feel fat anymore!! But please remember, sweetie, that you're NOT fat. It's just a mental game. Beat the mental game, then you're sure to beat the physical! You can do this, as long as we're both around I'm not gonna let you give up!! We can do this!! Good luck with school, I hope it's all you want it to be and more!!! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/biggrin.gif You're a stronger person than you give yourself credit for, just remember that!!

NEVER GIVE UP
~sarah~

Hey Sarah--

So, how did your day end up going today? I'm sorry that it didnt start off very good!

Mine didn't either! My dad got mad at me for only eating a little cup of cereal [i didn't want any at all so he should have been happy that i ate some]...and then I ate lunch too...I was too scared of what my friends would say...then I ate dinner too! I feel so fat and sick today! But, my dad was like "So, are you not going to eat breakfast and then pass out at school b/c you didn't eat?"

And, first class period I have health and I walk in and he gave us seats and on the walls are these posters about depression and stuff...and that just made me feel uncomfortable. So then my teacher starts talking about things and stuff...and he said something about eating disorders and my heart started racing so fast and i wanted to run out of the room and start crying! I got a major headache 1 st class too! And that stayed with me all day!

So, then I left 2nd hour and it took me the whole passing period to get out of the hallway, I couldn't even make it into the hallway that my class was in. And, in the 3rd period class is where the guy I like was in and we're friends too, so he hadn't said anything to me and the class had been going for 15-20 mins. Then he finally looks over at me and is like "what's uP?" and i'm like"hey" and he asked when i came in, so i was like "a bit after the bell" and he was like "oh, i didn't even notice you!" I wanted to run out of there crying too! And smack him and say "well, maybe if you didn't have your eyes all over that other girl you would have seen when someone who thought was your friend walked in" but i didn't.

Then, we were given assigned seats in study hall. And the guy I like is in that too, but we don't sit by eachother. But as the teacher is giving seats, the guy is standing up, and I was already given my seat. And I looked over at him and he was looking at me and he made some sort of face [couldnt tell what it was] and waved, so I waved back. BUT...[dun dun dun]...the guy sitting next to me [a junior] started hitting on me! He asked me all these weird questions and kept looking at me. [i felt very weird] and then he was like "i'll walk you to class since we're down the same hallway". And when I saw my friends i told them about him and just wanted to start crying! The guy scared me! He was nice and friendly, but he scared me!

It was just such a bad day! And I still have my headache and now my sister says she is going to blame me if she bombs her band audition! [she just got the music today and is already about to kick me out of the den so she can practice].

Well, I hope that you had a better day Sarah! Take care! and Good Luck!

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--katie--

Hey Katie,

I'm so sorry to hear that your first day didn't go so well!! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/frown.gif I know the feeling that people get when you talk about ED's in school. I took a healthcare ethics class last semester and we spent a lot of time just having group discussions and talkin gabout how people felt on certain issues. One day something came up about ED's and we spent the whole class talking about it. Needless to say I didn't say A SINGLE WORD, the whole class. And the worst part about it was that nobody in the class was even slightly understanding. It was obvious that nobody who was speaking had ever dealt with an ED (either personally or with a friend)...because they all said things like "it's their own fault" and "They started it, they can stop it" and "Our healthcare shouldn't cover any of the expenses to get them better since it's their own fault that they're sick in the first place." I felt more alone during that class period than EVER EVER before. It's so hard, because teachers talk about these things and they dont' realize how real they actually are. They don't realize that people are sitting in class dealing with ED's RIGHT NOW...I dunno...

As for that boy...all I can say is...EW EW EW! I'm so sorry he didn't even notice you! Even if that were true, for him to say that to you?!?! WHO DOES THAT?!?! That's just mean!! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/frown.gif I'm so sorry boys are stupid sometimes http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/frown.gif

I'm glad you ate, even if you don't think you should have. Your body does need food, I know you understand that, and if you can't eat a whole cup of cereal for breakfast tomorrow, that's ok...every little bit is a victory. Celebrate your victories!! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/biggrin.gif

As for me...school has been good. I'm glad to be back. It was funny, cuz I was sitting in my first class on Monday with all my friends (my college is pretty small so all the Education majors pretty much are in the same classes all the time, so we all know each other fairly well...) anyway, I was sitting there thinking how wonderful it was to be surrounded by my "friends"...and not have to worry about food! It was such an amazing feeling...however, I'm not sure it helped. I've still been purging, but it's been a lot less. I've promised a lot of people I"m going to get "better"...now it's time to promise myself!

Hope your second day was a bit better than your first!! I'll talk to you soon http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/bouncing.gif

NEVER GIVE UP
~sarah~

Hey Sarah--

The last two days, really haven't been much better, sadly!

In the health class, my teacher brought up depression and other major causes of death in the US. And, I felt very uncomfortable. I don't suffer from depression but I deal with the depression that comes with my ED, and, my best friend suffers from it, so the whole topic is just very uneasy for me! And my teacher doesn't realize how he can make people feel very hurt when he talks about some things with it!

Then, in English class we've had to draw our communities, and stuff. And, so, my teacher [when we've been presenting them] she's asking everyone questions and some of them I think are very personal and none of her business! I haven't had to present mine yet [i do that tomorrow] but I'm afraid what she'll say to me! I'm not strong enough to listen to some things that she may try to say to me! I'm scared!

One friend of mine, who does know about my ED, said to me today before English class "Katie, you are very unstable emotionally. You bottle up your feelings and don't tell people things" and I turned around and went to my seat without saying anything! I felt very hurt! And then all of the comments that she said to help the group discussion felt like they were being directed towards me! I felt so alone!

Well, that's about it for today! I hope that your day was good!

--Katie--

Hey Katie,

I'm so sorry that school isn't getting much better! That's horrible about your English teacher, I think I would be scared too!! To have to present something that has personal aspects to it is hard enough, but to have to endure questions and criticisms on it is unfair...

When teachers are talking about depression and ED's do you ever feel like people know about your ED and that they are saying things directed at you...I have a severe "imaginary audience" complex. (Where I think everybody knows everything I know, even if they don't) I often do that in school. Somedays me and my friends (who don't know about my ED) will be talking about food, and one time someone said something along the lines of "Yea, sometimes I eat so much I just want to push my fingers down my throat." The whole group laughed, I forced a smile...sometimes I love being around people who don't know, because it makes me feel normal, but other times I feel so alone and so fake that I can't stand it!!

School is going pretty good, for the most part! Today a girl I hadn't seen in a semester came up to me and said "You really do look amazing." It was a nice compliment, and made me feel good. Reminded me that I have lost a lot of weight, if only I had done it the healthy way and could be proud of it instead of living in fear that I'll gain it back...

i guess that's all for today, i'm pretty sleepy, this not sleeping thing is really starting to grate my nerves a lil' bit!

NEVER GIVE UP
~sarah~

Hey Sarah--

I know how you feel! I always feel like people are directing all comments at me that have to do with depression or EDs! I hate it so much! Esp when it comes from friends who DO know about my ED!! It's the worst feeling!

Tomorrow my family wants to go out to dinner! I hate it when they want to do that! I always feel like they make me eat so much more than I would b/c of the fact that you are given the plate full of tons of food, and I can eat the normal amount i would eat and all of a sudden that is NOT enough!

I'm glad to hear that you felt great after hearing that persons comments! I only wish sometimes that people would tell me things like that who i KNOW mean it! I mean, my best friend tells me all the time how beautiful she thinks I am, and it makes me happy to hear her say that, but...it's not enough! Because she knows what I'm going through--she KNOwS!

Anyway, I hope you enjoy your Friday! I'm so happy I get a 3 day weekend! I'm ready for school to end already! Talk to you soon!

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--katie--

Hehe, Katie, school just started silly http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/biggrin.gif

And as for the comment from my friend, it was just because I haven't seen her in a long time, and since then I've lost 80+ pounds. I'm proud of myself because the first 60 or so were done "semi-right" way...I would exercise and eat lesser portions...looking back now I know that it was the start of my ED, because I would set limits for myself, and the limits kept getting more and more unreasonable. For example, I started off running 3 miles a day and that sufficed for a while, but then it wasn't enough...I had to do 4, then 5 then 6 then 7 then 8...and it's hard to find the time to run 8 miles every single day between the busy schedule I lead, and I would get so depressed if I didn't have the time. I would be convinced that I was fat...So her comment was nice, but it also proved to me that I can be so sick and people think I look great. (I would exactly call purging 4 or 5Xs a day for months and months a healthy way to lose weight...) but it made me feel good regaurdless.

Ya know what else makes me feel good? When people say I'm getting "too skinny." It shouldn't. It should make me take a step back and realize that I no longer look HEALTHY...that i look SICK...but when they say that it makes me feel like I've accomplished something...like "yay me for not eating in 3 days..." How twisted my mind gets sometimes....

blah, off to class. I'm not used to having classes on Fridays...in my first two years of college I never had classes on Fridays...now that I'm a junior I just can't get used to this. I miss my 3 days weekends!! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/biggrin.gif

Have a great weekend hon!!

NEVER GIVE UP
~sarah~

Hey Sarah--

Today has been so terrible! It started out with that I was asking my mom if my sister was coming with to dinner because I didn't want to go out, so if she wasn't i was going to get out of it too. And my mom was like "no, I don't think so. She's trying to lose some weight and so she doesn't want to go to a buffet. She's very determined" and I was very mad about that! My parents would be so mad at me if they knew that I was trying to lose weight!

Then, in health. We were talking about the top causes of death, and we were talking about Heart Attacks. So, my teacher was saying that heartattacks are more common in people who are over weight b/c it wears out your heart quicker pumping the blood a longer distance. So he wanted us to take our resting heart rate...so we did. And then he said that if we were between 60-80 then we were great. Then he said "if you are over 80, and I'm not going to ask who, but if you are over 80 then you might want to take a close look at your diet, and consider watching what you eat more." And, my resting heart rate was 86. I felt like my health teacher just called me fat! I felt so terrible! Thank goodness I sit against the wall and near the door because I started crying as soon as he said that. I had to hide it from everyone. Then, after that class i saw my best friend in the hall and she could tell something was the matter and she was like "what's wrong?" and I was like "health class was terrible."...it just made me so mad!

Then, tonight I was able to get out of going to dinner with my mom and dad and uncle, but I feel like I ate just as much as I would have eaten if I was with them. Then I tried to purge and it made me feel terrible!

I went to a movie with 2 of my friends too. But they are best friends and I felt really left out with them, and I didn't enjoy the movie, and now I just feel really depressed and fat! I think I'm going to get to bed, maybe do some writing!

Have a good weekend!

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--katie--

Oh Katie!! I'm so sorry about your teacher's comment!! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/frown.gif You know that you're not fat, please remember that...and actually the reason your resting heart rate is so high may actually be because of your ED. I know sometimes ED's can cause damage to hearts, and Resting heart rates, etc. I'm so sorry you had to deal with that, and I'm so sorry that he made you cry. I just want to yell at him and make him see that everything he says effects everyone. I'm an EDU major, and it is drilled into our heads that we need to monitor EVERYTHING we say because children in our classes will be dealing with death, and ED's and cancer and...and....and.... roar! Your teacher makes me sad!! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/frown.gif

That sucks about your dad and your sister! You know your dad is merely concerned for you. I've been told that it's so hard for people to watch someone they love so much turn into a skeleton and know that they can't do anything about it! I can't say that I KNOW how they feel (b/c the one turning into a skeleton in my situation is ME) but I know just from people on this board, I want us all to get better so badly! We all deserve to get better!!! WE all WILL get better http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/biggrin.gif

As for me, I've had a good couple of days in my relationships, etc...but I've been purging so much again. I look horrible again. On my mirror I have pictures around the edges...of me and my friends/family/etc. I look at the girl in those pictures and I don't even know her anymore. She's smiling and happy and loving life...then I see my REAL reflection and I'm broken and I have bruises all over my body from the lack of nutrition. My face is sunken in and my eyes look so far away. I know I look bad. Somedays I don't even see the fat (you know the fat, the kind that's not really there, but you see anyway...) somedays all I see is my broken body and the dry tears I won't let myself cry.

We're going to get better, Katie, and everyone! WE ARE!! We can do this!!! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/biggrin.gif

NEVER GIVE UP
~sarah~

oh Sarah! I know how you feel about not knowing who you are when you see yourself! I feel the same way! I feel like all the time I'm lying to people about how I am, I just don't really know anymore!! It's such a terrible feeling!

The past couple of days I've felt very fat!! It's been such a bad feeling and I feel like I've gained like 10 pounds, instead of barely 1. But that's still 1 pound!! 1 pound!! Ugh!!

I found out last night that the guy that I really like made a joke about anorexia at the lunch table on Friday. My best friend was telling me how someone asked him if he had a lunch and he said "no, I'm an actor now, I have to starve myself, be anorexic!" My best friend wanted to slap him just for me, so she got up and left the table! I was hurt to think that this guy who holds so much of my heart would say such a thing! He has no idea what I go through every single day, but I hate it when people make jokes about EDs or depression! It hurts!!

I have a health project where we have to research illnesses that our family members have had and I found out that depression is a common thing in my family! That made a lot of sense actually [for me]...but I was thinking "you mean, I'm not alone? I'm not the first!" So that made me feel good to know others suffer from this in my family, or did at one time!


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--katie--