Am Lost, the pain is like no pain i have ever felt.....i miss her...i want my mum.

Meeshy
xx

I am sorry to hear that you have lost your Mum, it never stops hurting but you do learn to cope from day to day.
Hope you find some strength and comfort on these message boards
Love n hugs
Lois :angel:

Thankyou so much for your kind words.....it helps to be near and around people who know what its like....i can't bear the thought of having to live for years without my mum being here......i feel am dying inside myself....now i have lost her....my heart is broken into pieces....

Meeshy
xx

Meeshey just know that you are not alone, I lost my Mom September 10th. It's going to be a hard road but you can talk to all of us who are also dealing with the same thing.

You can post here or in the grief folder. I'll be looking for you.

I'm sending you a great big hug!

Robinbird

Thankyou Robin...also, sending you a hug back also for your loss......am in total shock, she was in hospital for 5 weeks prior to her death, those days keep going around in my head like crazy as i visited the same time everyday apart from about two days....am gonna go try get out of the house today for a little bit....but i can start crying at any moment......

Hugs

Meeshy
xxxx

You will wake up many mornings, your mind will turn on, it will try to figure out what was a dream, and what wasn't and the moment you realise that your loss was not a dream, it starts all over....what a great way to begin your day! It really sucks.
As many here have said before me.....it DOES get easier each day but there is no free pass on this. You have to endure the memories, the pictures, waking up in the morning, ......even when you think you have mentally conquered your pain, you find out in a few days that you were kidding yourself.
Grieving is the best medicene. You allow yourself the time to cry, and it toughens you. A few days later, you realise that you need to cry again.
You toughen just a little more. A few days later you cry, yet again, you begin to realise that the pain is coming from an endless source.
Your only course of healing is to deal with these emotions head on, and never punish yourself for grieving.
You deserve to grieve, you have to allow yourself to question your faith, but the day will come when you realise that what has happened brought about change, and your life could not have worked out any other way.
hindsight isnt 20/20.....its the path to wisdom.

D@n, all you have written in this message is perfect-so true-I know it was great for me, just lost my mom in July and as I think of it- it sometimes feels like it was longer than that...cher

Thankyou everyone....for your kind words and support, your right one minute i think am ok the next.......am in pieces, i went to her grave again this afternoon...i can't comprehend or understand that she is down there....and buried, i want her out of there...and its also upsetting me that i know she is down there...just how i feel at the mo.....

Meeshy
xxx

My heart goes out to you. I lost my Mom and Dad 10 years ago and there are still days when I just WANT MY MOM!!! It took me 7 months to be able to function again and I thought I'd never get over this. But in time I found that happy memories of time I'd spent with my Mom came more often than the horrible memories surrounding her death. I still feel her presence in my life when I look in the faces of my kids and grandkids and I know that the love she shared with us is still here. The body dies but the love doesn't. I know at this point the fact of her death still comes as a shock each time you wake up but in time it will get better. In the mean time, take care of yourself!! I hope you find peace.

hi meeshy and everyone,

i'm so sorry you lost your mum. even the word seems sacred, doesn't it? mum...mom. when i say "mom" it's so closely associated with who she was...that's all it takes to bring on a tidal wave of grief. i think you're still in the shock phase meeshy- 2 weeks is nothing. i can't even remember june of this year (my mom died in may). take good, nurturing care of yourself, okay?

xoxo

Thankyou Sue...

I agree with you, i still very much feel in the shock mode....i know it hasn't hit me yet.....the actual fact that i won't be able to physically see her again....its as if she is just away or i haven't been around her house......i haven't had alot of 'peace' time as the children are on half term....it will be in quieter moments i should imagine it will start hitting me.....i sobbed like a baby a couple of hours ago.......i so can't believe it, my hearts aching.....i so want her back......she's my mum.

Am sorry also to hear of your loss.....

Love
Meeshy
xxx

Hi,

I know exactly how you are feeling so, so much. My mum passed away a day before your mum, 12 October, and i feel as though it is all surreal and it has not sunk in yet for me!!

My mum found out that her cancer was terminal in August and from then on spent the time she had left in hospital in terrible pain and suffering and that is all i can think about at the moment.

How old was your mum? My mum was 55 and i feel as though i have been robbed of her too soon. My mum was cremated which was a good thing really as i think i would be sitting at her graveside every minute of every day otherwise or jumped in after her!!!!

I am not sleeping properly and when i do, i have terrible nightmares and i cannot eat much. My concentration has been shot away and i have lost all lack of interest in everything. I also have children so it is very hard as i feel as though i have to try and stay strong for them especially my youngest who is 3 but its SO hard!!!

Life can be so cruel.....my thoughts are with you,
Love Emma,x

wow emma,

your mom was young!! no wonder you feel robbed.... what kind of cancer did she have? sounds like it hit hard and fast.

sleeping is hard...my mom had a binder of things she'd written - poems, short stories, etc. i've actually slept with it in my bed every night since she passed. it's just so her - her humor, her sensitivity, her outrage, her irony. do you have something of your mom's you can hold close?

love to you --

We found out my mum had colon cancer last September after her bowel was perforated by a tumour. She suffered from ulcerative colitus so the symptoms were disguised.

She went through 6 months of chemo every week only to be told this August that it had spread to her bowel, intestines and liver. She spent the remainder of her life in hospital with terrible suffering.

We all kept positive until then and then realisation started to sink in but even when she passed away, it still seemed so unbelievable and still does!!

I have a journal that my mum wrote over a period of four years for us (my brothers and sisters) which was specifically for us after she had passed so that gives me a bit of comfort as she talks about watching over us, etc, but it is bittersweet as she talks about being old and grey and also how the cancer affected her. It hurts to read at the moment.

I also have her dressing gown that she wore in hospital but i won't wear it as it still smells of her and i don't want the smell to fade away!!

Its so difficult getting through each day without her.

Love Emma,x

dear emma,

i think there is nothing harder in life than watching someone you love suffer. i have these haunting images of my mom the last two tragic months of her life - sometimes they creep into my head and i have to push them out. i've been successful, thank goodness. it's like somewhere deep inside me i know "DON'T GO THERE". maybe she's helping me too.

i've learned from a friend of mine that there are no symptoms of colon cancer until it's very advanced. she was diagnosed as stage 4/terminal and had no symptoms - same story for everyone in her support group. and they are all in their 40's!!! the medical community does us a big disservice by telling us to wait until we're 50 to get a colonscopy.

what a hard hard year you've had. and, i'm so glad that your mom was loving enough to write that journal - that means your connection with her is a straight shot - pure and readily available. let yourself cry, she'll be holding you....

i think it helps to keep structure in your day so each day isn't a long grey ordeal. but, leaving time to grieve, too. i think it feels unreal for a long time, it still does for me and it's been 5 months. it's strange....even up to the end, i thought it wouldn't happen. she'd been in a hospital bed in her living room not eating, drinking or talking for 10 days. it's like i thought "well, this is how it's going to be, and that's okay. i can do this". and when she was gone i felt like "WHAT???? WHERE DID SHE GO???" as if all the obvious hadn't been happening!! it's weird how our own minds protect us.

anyway, i'll say a prayer for you and your mom emma : ))))

meeshy,

where are you? are you okay?

(((hugs to you)))

thanks mystic...

Am here....i don't feel ok though....my hearts breaking....but thankyou for checking up on me it so helps to have people who know what the pain feels like around me.......

You take care also....
Love
Meeshy
xxx

oh meeshy,

it's such a hard time. and, i think it's harder in the fall for some reason, too. do you have good friends or family to be with you now? are you keeping some structure in your life so you're not in your grief all the time? your love for your mom was so so strong, this tells me that her love for you was and is equally strong. and, she doesn't want you to keep suffering now. she knows you need to grieve, but she doesn't want you to lose yourself in your grief. she wants you to get used to her being there with you, just in a new and different way. so, cry...but then get up and do things that remind you about your life...then when you need to cry, be with that for a while. just let yourself cycle in and out meeshy, but your mom really really wants you to not get stuck. okay? keep in touch with us. (((love love love to you)))

Thankyou so much for your kind words.....it helps to be near and around people who know what its like....i can't bear the thought of having to live for years without my mum being here......i feel am dying inside myself....now i have lost her....my heart is broken into pieces....

Meeshy
xx

Dear Meeshy: First, I am so sorry to hear of your mom's passing. I lost my dad in November 2004 and I'm still in pain. It is soooo hard, I can understand your pain. I never experienced anything as painful. I, too, cannot bear the thought of having to live the rest of my life without my dad. I had a hard time on New Year's Eve (going into 2005). I remember "freezing" in my kitchen and just crying and crying, wondering how I could go into the new year and all years without my dad. The ONLY thing that helped me was to try not to think in the future—try to take one day at a time. I am still having to work through one day at a tim. I, too, feel like I am dying inside. There are many times that I wish God would just take me so I could be with my dad. My heart is so sad and broken into pieces as well. It may seem that you will never feel better but time does help. As time goes on (take your time healing), the pain gets "softer." It's still there but just not as intense. My thoughts are with you.

mystic heart,

Thankyou for your lovely words. They were a great comfort to read. At the moment i can not picture happy memories as I am still also haunted by the suffering that she felt. I missed her passing by five minutes as my train was delayed so when i got to the hospital she had already gone!!

My sister and my sister-in-law told me that she was trying to talk to them but they could not understand what she was saying as her breathing was not very good. When i rushed into the room to see her, she was in a semi-upright position with her mouth open where she had obviously been trying to talk. This has really affected me as i worry so much whether she was suffering or not as my sister said that she was really trying to fight. That worries me so much as the thought of her knowing what was happening and trying to stop it makes my heart rip apart.

The terrible thing with cancer is that usually it is not found until it is advanced. The thing that annoys me and makes me angry though is that my mum should have been given routine colonoscopies every year as she was more prone to getting cancer and it also runs in our family but she didn't so the polyps that she had which could have been removed turned into tumours. Also the doctor put my mum on drugs for her colitus which can cause colon cancer but didn't tell her. Mum only found out after she had found out that she had cancer and even then she was told by another doctor. All she got was a 'sorry'!!! So you see, it all could have been avoided and thats what makes the hurting worse as if it could get ANY worse.

I do try to have some structure to my day as i have children so i cannot just sit around moping. Sometimes i can get on but other days i just cannot be bothered to do anything at all. I am not going to sleep til 3-4 in the morning and up early with my 3 yr old then i find myself crashing out on the couch mid afternoon!!!

It is still not sinking in although the other night my brother wrote a poem about my mum and read it to me over the phone and i did cry then as i thought of life without my mum but then i shut it out again. Its the little things that are getting to me. Also i wonder if it is because i live an hour away from my family so the evidence is not around me all the time. I don't know.

I don't know the answer to many things at the moment. All i know is pain and it is all-consuming...

Love Emma,x

thanks mystic...

Am here....i don't feel ok though....my hearts breaking....but thankyou for checking up on me it so helps to have people who know what the pain feels like around me.......

You take care also....
Love
Meeshy
xxx

meeshy....I feel your pain also as i am hurting too after losing my mum a day before you lost your mum. It feels like a terrible weight on my chest and sometimes i find it hard to breathe as i am so consumed with grief.

I feel the same as you as it gives me comfort to post on here and to receive such lovely replies from such caring people who are living with their own heartbreak.

Keep posting as i am thinking of you....Love Emma,x

Hello Everyone,

Emma..... sorry to hear of your loss too, i truly know what pain you must be feeling from the grief at the moment....i popped very quickly into town today as i had to get something for my daughter, but am in a daze, theres christmas everywhere....and i just want to shout out.....'my mums died' and i soooooo miss her....am sure you know that feeling too...and like you i have three children.....but i just want to shut myself away and say to everyone leave me alone...(i know thats not the best thing to do) but everyones getting on with their things.....and just because tommorrow it will be three weeks,....am still in shock, the first week was obviously the funeral planning, last week the children where on half term...this week is the first time i have had time on my own to realise and think.......i have alittle issue with my middle sister which am being pressured into trying to sort out but i can't my heads a mess and am trying to get my head around mums death.....am popping to my dads for an hour or so shortly......to see how he is (i live about a mile away) just down the road, which is where my mum is laid at the church which is ok as i can pop when i want a chat....but that doesn't seem real.....nothing seems real..

Thankyou Everyone else who's replied, you really are lovely and caring and it so helps to talk to others....especially when its not those in our families if you know what i mean.....

Hugs to you all.....

Meeshy
xxx

I know exactly what you mean about Christmas!!!

My mum always loved Christmas and its everywhere you look now and i just want it all to go away!! I usually love Christmas too but at the moment i cannot be bothered with it all. I have been buying a few things but the enthusiasm is sooo not here. All i can think is spending it without my mum and i am dreading it now.

I have five children and the older ones are being really understanding although they do not understand the amount of grief i have but they have still lost a much loved nan.

I am avoiding going out as much as possible at the moment as every time i have ventured out even to the local shop, i happen to bump into someone who asks how i am and i find myself telling them that my mum passed away but it sounds as though someone is saying it and not me!! I feel better staying indoors away from the real world and just doing my own thing.

Last night was a really bad night for me as i went to bed and decided i would have a listen to my mums i-pod as my dad gave it to me as it has all of my mums favourite music on it. Well, i put it on and just cried and cried as all the songs on there are really sad and i just lay there wondering how my mum must have felt listening to her music in hospital knowing she was dying. It did make me feel closer to her by listening but in the end i had to turn it off as i cried so much, i ended up with a really bad headache!!! This was around 3 in the morning!! Haven't had much sleep since!

I cried so hard that it actually felt as though my heart was breaking...literally. Such terrible pain....

Love Emma,x