Sorry that I haven't been around too much the past couple of weeks! I keep coming back and say that I'll try and post more and then it just never happens! I've been really busy or trying to keep myself busy b/c it's been such a hard 2 weeks.
I broke a record of 21 days a couple weeks ago and since then, i've been going 2 days w/o purging, 2 days w/ purging. Very hard! Also, my scale has been fixed b/c my dad and mom are on diets and need to see their weight loss, so Katie does too. I also, after having some really hard days started cutting my wrists! I know, not a good thing to get into either, but I did. And that has been very hard to break away from doing [it's just like my purging issues] and it's also very hard to hide from my family.
And, now, tomorrow is the beginning of our holiday season. The season where people like to eat and expect you to want to too! And, i don't want to! I can't!! It's not that easy for me! And i can't get help either! i just...can't! Last night, i felt the worst pain i've ever felt and i'm not really sure what it's from. I had terrible chest pains and i felt like someone was hitting me in the stomach non-stop! I was like that for 4 hours! and woke up this morning and all during the day today feeling some of the left-over pain! It's been terrible!
Luckily, i also had a good thing happen to brighten my spirits. I had an audition on Sunday for a model and talent agency and I got a call back and they have accepted me into their school. I now will start taking modeling and acting classes through them and i am very excited about this! The lady told me how she loved my figure [i don't understand what she sees that i can't], my eyes, my lips, the fact that my look is very "natural", stuff like that! So, i'm very excited about that! They also teach you how to eat right, exercise right, and maintain a good self-concept! i'm hoping that this might be the beginning process and just what i need in order to start recovery from this terrible thing that has taken over me!
It's also been such a tough week b/c my best friend is going through a very tough time, and things are only getting worse. I try to give her advice and make her feel better but it's hard to do when i can't even listen to my own advice!
Just wanted to congratulate you on going twenty-one days with out purging! That's fantastic!
Good work also for being accepted into that school! I'm sure you're really happy about that! Well done!
Sorry... I did want to give a better reply, but unfortunately now I'M having computer troubles! LOL, why is someone ALWAYS having computer troubles? http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/confused.gif
Anyway, I finally have the computer working again and I can access the Internet but everything on the screen is increadibly fuzzzy so it's very difficult to read. Until I get it sorted, please forgive me for the pretty 'crappy' replies I'm giving people! Thanks...
Take care of yourself, and once again WELL DONE http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/bang.gif
Ash
Faith80
11-29-2002, 08:16 PM
Hello Katie,
I'm sorry that things are so hard for you at this time. You said you started cutting and you said this isn't a good thing; well hon, you have that right. I found that when I used to do SI behaviors it was a lot like my eating disorder behaviors; what I mean by this is it numbed me to pain and help me concentrate on more physical things in life instead of emotinal problems; than, as time went on, the numbing wasn't enough and I had to add more and more negative behaviors to get any affect. This kept happening until I learned and accpeted positive coping skills and started to work through my issues that lead me to this point and the current issues in my life; see, things kept building and what used to be something little was blown out of porpotion for I never dealt with it in the first place.
Well, I went on longer than I meant to. I hope my words can help. Also, quickly, be careful when getting into modeling for it can be triggering for those with eating disorders. You also said you can't see what they see in you(your figure), remember that the monster, the eating disorder voice, lies to us all the time so what we see and what is really there isn't the same thing.
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As long as there is life, there is hope
singingsmiles
11-29-2002, 11:46 PM
(((Ashlee and Faith)))
Don't worry about the computer problems, Ashlee. I understand completely!
And, I am kind of scared about the whole modeling thing and how it might effect my ED, but this [entertainment industry-in all forms] has been something i have wanted ever since i was really little, and I don't want to give up with my opportunity now! Plus! This agency that I'm going through, part of the classes include things on building up self-confidence, and a program where you can eat healthy and make time to exercise. I hope that it'll be like the beginning stage to recovery for me. Or at least get me the self confidence to tell someone that can help me! I'm not sure, though, but we will see.
I hope that both of you are doing well! I'll keep you informed!
Time for my better reply. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/biggrin.gif
Well, I agree with Faith that you have to be VERY careful not to let your eating disorder get completely out of control once you begin at this modeling school. Modeling of course, focuses so much on your appearance and can really do harm to a person with already low self-esteme.
However, I don't think you should let your ED beat you over this one - if modeling has been your dream since you were very young, GO for it! Do NOT let your ED take this dream away from you. You've obviously worked very hard in your life as this has been a dream since you were very young, so now you have to CONTINUE to work hard but this time focus all the determination on your ED - and beat it once and for all!
Actually, it sounds like a really great school - with building your confidence level and teaching you about healthy eating. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif As they offer all of this there, I'm sure they also have a counselor there that you could talk to when times get rough? Hehe... now I'm being annoying to ya, I know! But all the same, you DO need to get help one of these days, Katie. Remember, the longer you wait, the harder it gets. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/frown.gif Please don't put it off any longer.
Take care!
Ashlee
singingsmiles
11-30-2002, 09:01 PM
Hey!
Today was my first class and it was a lot of fun!! It was basically just an orientation and getting to know the people in my class, but I like most of the people in it! They were all very nice and so is my teacher. She even told us that if we ever just needed someone to talk to, she was someone that we could turn to, and that she understands if we are having a really bad day, and even if we couldn't explain the whole situation to her, she'd understand if it becomes harder to participate in some things. [wow big run-on-sentence hee!]
WEll, i'm very tired, so I might go to bed soon even though it's early! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif I hope everyone is doing well!
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--katie--
Ashlee
12-01-2002, 01:33 AM
Glad you enjoyed yourself, Katie! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/t_up.gif That's great news. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif
youneak00
12-01-2002, 11:42 PM
CONGRATS ON MODELING SCHOOL KATIE! But I agree with Ashlee and Faith---modeling focuses so much on your outward and physical appearance, just don't let it harm you even more.
How have you been feeling? I haven't gotten a chance to talk to you lately. I hope things are starting to get better, and the pain (both physical and emotional) have started to ease.
I'll talk to you soon. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/biggrin.gif
NEVER GIVE UP
~sarah~
singingsmiles
12-03-2002, 10:37 PM
Hey!
Well, I have still been feeling quite a bit of physical pain, not as extreme as it was that other night, but it's still hurt. I've been purging again lately, and it's been pretty bad...no blood lately though. **phew** My weight has been going all over the place again b/c of the purging and it makes it VERY hard to deal with, and i just...I don't know. It stinks!
Emotionally, it's never easy. I've got all this pressure from school [mainly my chemistry class **quiver**], but then add in trying to watch out for my best friend and myself, it's not been an easy task.
How has everyone else been doing?
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--katie--
youneak00
12-03-2002, 11:40 PM
Hi all,
Katie, I'm so so sorry to hear that things haven't gotten any better. It is good news that there hasn't been blood and that your physical pains have been much easier to deal with lately.
I don't have time to write right now, but I just wanted to pop in and say hi! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/biggrin.gif I'll respond soon. Feel better, Katie. I'm thinking about you.
