I know most people here are anorexic and/or bulimic. I was in the same place last year at this time. God, it's so disguisting to think that back then, I weighed soooo much less than I do now. I was underweight and I guess "bulimarexic". Then, as always, I went out of control and now I'm MISERABLE. I do well in college(thank god), but no amount of A's, trophies or degrees means anything to me when I'm so fat! And I'm not overreacting. Maybe people wouldn't call me fat but I'm sure everyone would agree that I am well above my normal/natural weight (I felt my healthiest at 5"9', 150lbs). Do you have any idea how long it's been since I've gone out of the house, let alone to a club with my friends. Hell, I avoid seeing people b/c I'm so embarrassed of my weight. I have nothing to enjoy and/or show/be proud of anymore. At least before I had my looks. This has been going on for six years and maybe it's time to accept that it will never be over. I still exercise for about an hour every day but that can't help when I eat like a madman. Sometimes it feels like real, voracious hunger, sometimes physical weakness and dizziness and sometimes stress that makes me eat. If I had never lost the weight before, I'd feel much more confident now but after having done it so many times through a lot of suffering only to lose the battle sooner or later, I just don't know if I have any strength left to do it over again. I've seen therapists, been on antidepressants and to tell you the truth, is's all been such bull**** that I just had to stop it and take matters into my own hands. I'd be OK for a while, then I'd slip and go downhill big time. And the cycle goes on and on and will probably continue until the day I die...

I've been anorexic and bulimic and both have been hell but nothing has ever caused me as much pain, suffering and humiliation as binge/compulsive eating. Is there ANYONE out there who can relate??? Can ANYONE please help me???

Hi, Stigma. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/wave.gif

I'm sorry you're suffering so much at the moment. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/frown.gif Please don't lose hope because even if it doesn't look like it now, you CAN get better one day! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif So many people out in the world have gotten over this horrible illness and you'll be one of those people too. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif

I don't suffer from compulsive overeating myself but I DO know what it feels like to be out of control. I've suffered from anorexia in the past and I am just beginning my recovery from bulimia, and those times when I was binging/purging/over-exercising/restricting just made me feel so out of control because as much as I hated doing it, I just couldn't stop myself. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/frown.gif

It's obvious that you don't wish to go into therapy anymore... have you completely made up you mind about that? Maybe there is a better therapist out there that can help you more than the others did. Don't lose hope yet because you have to remember that ED's can take YEARS to recover from - and even though you may not be completely recovered as yet, you've obviously made a million leaps towards it and are well on your way there. I know it's disheartening for it to take so incredibly long - I've suffered also for the last three years but recovery ISN'T impossible! You just have to work SO hard and NEVER, NEVER give up.

Have you thought about working alongside a dietician? She/he can probably help you come up with a meal plan because it sounds as though you may not be eating enough for all the exercise you're doing at the moment, which may be one of the reasons you binge. If you're physically weak and are getting dizzy a lot I would suggest by starting off with visiting your doctor. Definitely go and talk to a good dietician because you're obviously still not getting an adequate food intake.

Well, good luck with everything! Let us know how things are going, okay? http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif

Ashlee

(((((((((((((( http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/angel.gif STIGMA http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/angel.gif )))))))))))

I'm so incredibly sorry that you're struggling so much at the moment, I'm sure that the holidays aren't helping much either. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/frown.gif

I know how you feel, though. I've had a similar problem---meaning that I've gone from bulimia to compulsive eating...unfortunatly I went back to bulimia. Being bulimic was easier for me to handle than being a compulsive overeater. I know what it's like to feel so fat that you don't want to leave your house. There are days when I swear that I can **SMELL** the fat on my body just collecting. And on those days it doesn't even matter that I weigh the same as I did two months ago, I'm convinced that my jeans only fit because my fat has stretched them out. This is not true. Your mind is lying to you...you are NOT fat...eating does not mean FAT...being healthy does NOT mean being fat. You are getting healthy. Your body is thanking you for letting it eat. Your body needs food to eat.

Try to remember that for every negative thing you say to yourself you are supposed to say 4 positivie things! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/biggrin.gif Try this---I know it's hard. You are a wonderful person and don't deserve to feel this way!!! I hope things start to get easier for you! Let us know how you're doing!

NEVER GIVE UP
~sarah~

Thank you very much, guys. I appreciate all your support and kind words. It's probably time for me to accept that I will struggle with weight for the rest of my life, though... http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/frown.gif I hope everyone else is doing better. Happy holidays. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/wink.gif

Hi, Stigma.

I'm sure it feels like you will at the moment, but someday you'll have this huge breakthrough and you'll realise that you WON'T be struggling like this for the rest of your life. I'm certain of this. I've begun my recovery now and already I've had many lapses, but I've learnt to reaslise that these aren't the same as RElapses... they're just minor setbacks.

You're right, it DOES often seem like there's no way out - but there is. Look at all the people out there who HAVE done it - who says you won't be one of them one day? At the moment you do, but you can change your way of thinking and you WILL get there. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif

Stigma,

I know how stressful food can be...and trust me, most of us here know what it's like to think that you will have to deal with your eating disorder(s) for the rest of your life...that there's no way out. But that's just not true. You're a strong person. You've already taken some steps to recovery...you're on this board aren't you? That's a big step...it's part of admidtting and accepting that you have a problem. THAT'S HUGE! And you deserve a pat on the back for that one. And you have a desire to change...you may not know how to do this yet, and you may still be gathering strength to beat it...but the desire is there. And that's HUGE too!! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/biggrin.gif

I'm proud of you, you're going to do wonderful things with your life...you've already started. GO YOU! I hope you're feeling better and HAPPY HOLIDAYS to you too!!!!!

NEVER GIVE UP
~sarah~

It's really encouraging to hear that people have recovered and are recovering from this monstrous illness. I still feel like it is easier to get therapy and recover from both anorexia and/or bulima than from binge eating. Last year around this time, I got therapy for anorexia/bulimia and I felt like I really, really wanted to get better, be fit and healthy. Now, after gaining a huge amount of weight, feeling and looking like a giant, all I care about is losing it. You have no idea how pathetic it makes me feel that I want something SOOOO BADLY and I can't achieve it! This past month, I stopped binging on all the bad foods I was binging on before, would stop eating after 6 p.m., exercise every day on the elliptical for an hour + sit-ups. I went to a store today and gathered enough courage to try a pair of pants on. You can't imagine how upset I was that I couldn't even zipped them up (and they looked pretty big!!!). When I came home, I decided to weigh myself for the first time after a month. When I saw that SAME, huge, dispicable number, instead of it being AT LEAST a few pounds lower, I hate a complete breakdown and really wanted to die. I feel like NO ONE understands this illness. I'm 22 years old and sometimes I have such an urge to go out and have some fun like I used to when I was thinner, but I just can't, 'cause I'm too embarrassed & know would not be able to enjoy it or get the kind of attention I like. And boy, does that ever hurt. I guess my metabolism is so screwed up that there is no hope for me... And if there is no hope of me losing weight, there is no hope for me to stop overeating (what else do I have left if I'm fat anyway), so I may as well not live anymore. I've gone through a lot of crap in my life, but NOTHING has ever hurt me and messed me up as much as gaining this damn weight. WHAT AM I DOING WRONG HERE, GUYS??? Help!

Hi stigma,

I have a question that may not be very appropriate to ask, but after reading your last post something occured to me. Could it be possible that you just FEEL overweight, because of some lingering anorexia/bulimia thoughts/feelings? Because a lot of what you have described in your posting is how I feel (and I know others feel as well). The feeling incredibly huge---not wanting to go out because you feel like you look gross.

You are an amazing individual, and it doesn't matter what you look like. You should love your body no matter what shape or size it comes in. And always remember---you're never as huge as you think you look...you're overly sensitive to your body, and I'm suuuuuuuuuure that you're a wonderful, beautiful human being, both inside and out. Good luck, hon. Hope you're feeling better.

NEVER GIVE UP
~sarah~