Hiya, Carlie. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/wave.gif

How are you? You haven't been posting too much lately... is everything okay? Time we got the whole gang back together again!

So... Carlie, Sarah, Katie, Faith, Caroline, Vikki, JustD, Coach... come by and say hello when you can! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif

Also anyone I may have accidently left out... and any other members (newbies, older members)... like Cutenbrat, LegallyBrunette, Stigma, where have you all gone? I'd love to hear from you all!

Take care everyone. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif

Ashlee

Hey!! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/biggrin.gif I was wondering where everyone is too!! Hm...maybe they are out of town and away from a computer because of the Holidays...Hopefully we'll hear from everyone soon. In the mean time, how have u been Ashlee?

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--katie--

Ahhh, the holidays... of course! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/idea.gif

Right... well I guess we'll just have to let them off the hook this time then. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/biggrin.gif

I'm fine thanks, Katie. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif To be perfectly honest I'm quite enjoying this life in recovery! I don't have to struggle every minute of every day yet if I slip up I don't have to beat myself up about it - because these things can and WILL happen during recovery. I'm only finding one thing that's getting in my way and that's the fact that I just don't seem to be getting hungry... and I mean AT ALL! Therefore I'm forgetting to eat at times. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/frown.gif Silly me I know, but other than that, I'm fine.

Oops, didn't mean to turn this thread into a thread all about myself! How are YOU, Katie? http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif

Hope all is well! Take care of yourself!

Ashlee

did you do a search of memebers Ashlee-lol. Also lets not forget running Queen and Tricky and I know if I keep going back pages I would find more-maybe we should do an offical roll call-lol.

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As long as there is life, there is hope

Well Ashlee, I'm so glad to hear that recovery is going good for you! My best friend is in recovery [not for an ED though], but her recovery hasn't gone as good yet. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/frown.gif She was doing awesome for a week, and now her counsler is out of town for 3 weeks and she fell 2 days after she left and it's been really hard for me to try and say the right things. But, I'm so glad to hear that your recovery is doing great! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/biggrin.gif that's AWESOME!

I'm doing alright. I've had better days, and i've also had worse days, so i'm satisfied being alright. It's been tough trying to hold back from purging b/c i got a chocolate craving tonight [i hate those!], and so now that I had chocolate, it's just not making me very happy w/ myself, but I'm doing the best I can!

I hope you continue to do well! and i hope we hear from everyone else soon!

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--katie--

Darn was I that obvious, Faith? http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/eek.gif Sorry, Running Queen and Tricky too... heck, I could name so many more but none of them have been here in months now so I better just leave them alone! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/biggrin.gif

Katie, what is your friend trying to recover from? So sorry to hear that's it's not going so good yet, but it'll come. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif

The same thing happened to me some months back. I wasn't doing that well for a start - I wasn't in recovery then - and my counsellor was away for two weeks and the week before that I wasn't able to go because I had something on that I couldn't miss. I completely crashed. I just lost it completely. I was crying all the time, having those old thoughts of suicide, cutting, binging, purging, restricting... you name it. In the end my mum got so worried she took me in to the mental health clinic and I went in to talk to someone else there. Not my regular counselor but someone else who was able to help.

Whereever it is that your friend is getting help from should also have a 24/7 help line that she can call where one of the people there are always on call. If she really needs to talk to someone, get her to make an appointment with someone else or try to convince her to call that line. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif Hope this helps!

Good luck with your friend!

Ashlee

Hey Ashlee and Katie

I haven't been around much lately, things get crazy around here. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/wink.gif

Glad to hear everyone is doing ok. Katie, how's your friend doing today? My best friend (who is similar to your best friend) ended up in the ICU over Thanksgiving break because of a suicide attempt. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/frown.gif It's been pretty hard.

Hope everyone is doing great! Tons of Newbies around here since I"ve been away.

NEVER GIVE UP
~sarah~

Hi everyone.

Been out of town for the holiday and couldn't get on a computer there.

Doing ok. Had to gain weight and have offically done it. (Not happy about it, but still I did it). At least I did have fun shopping during the holiday. Christmas is done! (ok, it's most of the way done) http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif
Haven't been to therapy in almost 2 weeks. I go back this week. (whew). I did do my weigh ins though.
It helps to read other posts here. I usually read them but don't write very often. Don't have a lot of insight I guess. Maybe after I've been in therapy longer I'll be able to help others! Thanks all!

Justd! Congrats on getting your Christmas shopping done! I've been doing mine in chunks...I know what I'm getting almost everyone, except my boyfriend. I'm so stuck on him http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/frown.gif Oh well, I'll figure something out...I always do http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/wink.gif

And good job on going to your weigh-ins...and on gaining weight!! That's really a good thing, I know it doesn't seem like it...but it is!!!!! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/biggrin.gif

NEVER GIVE UP
~sarah~

poor Ashlee-I think your post was very sweet and thoughtful--and you going down the list of old posts just shows what a wonderful person you truely are.

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As long as there is life, there is hope

http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/wave.gif Hey Gang.

Sorry I haven't been posting much lately. I really haven't been feeling 'up to it' and these past days I've been away from the computer because we went visit my relatives out of state.

A whole lot has happened that really its kinda a blur. I hadn't been doing well. I was going downhill I guess you could say. But no one seemed to really notice. (No one meaning my Mom or Dad). Well on vacation I knew I'd have to gain weight, I'd be with my family 24/7, we'd be on the road (fast food/gas stations), and it was Thanksgiving for goodness sakes...and in a cajun family, that means FOOD.
Well, I'm back from my trip and actually weight a little less than when I left. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/frown.gif I'm not all upset about this of course (darn ED thoughts) but something happened on my trip that changed things....
Friday night I was talking with my Mom about how much I weighted. So I asked my grandma if she had a scale. (bad mistake) I got on...it read 80 pounds, that was with my clothes on and it was late at night! Well my parents didn't like this ONE bit. We then left my grandparents house to go to my mom's mom's house (that's where we stay while we’re down there). "Carlie, you're killing yourself. Enjoy the holiday's because at this rate it's going to be your last Christmas. You won't live another year like this," my Dad said. And then...he started crying. I've NEVER seen my dad cry. EVER. He walked up to me and gave me a huge hug, told me he loved me and that he cares so much. (still crying) Then my Mom joined in on the crying and hugging. I was torn. I hated seeing my parents like that. They were so worried. So concerned. Yet, I still felt like I couldn't die. There was no way. I felt fine. Well we went to the grocery store that night. Got some strawberry ice cream for me to eat and some Ensure.
I've 'cheated' even today. I just don't know how to eat normally. I'm so scared though. So so scared. I don't want to die but at the same time I don't know if I can get better. My parents say that if I don’t gain weight on my own then I’ll have to have the tube put back in me, even if it means going back to school with it! I don’t know why but I’m just terrified of gaining weight. I really am. I mean I look in the mirror, see all the bones, I look sick, but then my mid section looks so fat. So disgusting. It’s like there’s two parts of me. I’m really struggling right now I guess. I’m wondering if I’ll ever get over this. I’ll be 15 in about a month. But my Dad says that I can’t get behind the wheel until I’m 100 pounds. My Mom is even saying that I can go on a huge shopping spree once I get to an okay weight. But I can’t do it. I told her that part of the reason I’m so scared of gaining weight is because I’m afraid once I start gaining I won’t be able to stop. She said that I should just trust her. That she wouldn’t let me get ‘fat’. And that once I got to say 110 pounds I could go on a diet. A healthy one to maintain my weight there. I’m still unsure. I have so many things to look forward to but yet, I’m absolutely terrified. And the worst part? I don’t even know why. It’s like there’s a book written in my mind, but I don’t have the key to open it and find out what’s inside. I’m so clueless. I’ve lost a total of 37 pounds. My BMI is at 14%. With that low of a BMI I know that there’s no way I can be fat, but at the same time its hard to look at myself and not think I’m fat. I’m really wondering if I’ll ever be able to look at myself and NOT think I’m fat. That seems so very far away. I guess I really need some encouragement right now. I’ve definetly hit an all time low…in both my weight and my mind. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/bigcry.gif

-Carlie

(((((( http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/angel.gif CARLIE http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/angel.gif ))))))))

AWW! Sweetheart! I just want to give you a huge hug. I'm so incredibly sorry to hear that you're feeling this way. Your post made me cry. I know how horrible that internal struggle is...the part that wants to get better fighting with the part that doesn't.

I'm sorry you had to have such a hard thanksgiving. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/frown.gif Don't give up, do you hear me? DON'T! Look at the strength it took just to start admidting that you do look in the mirror and see bones. I know that part of you still sees and feels the fat...but that's ok...another part of you is seeing that you ARE sick and that you WANT to get better. Sometimes it's so hard to remember that being "well" does not mean being "fat." You won't get fat, sweetheart, and you weigh under 80 pounds??????? You must be a twig. Your poor poor body http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/frown.gif

I'm thinking about you, hon, and I'm hoping that you're feeling better. Unfortunatly your dad is right...if you continue to starve yourself, this could be your last christmas. I know that isn't what you want. You have an amazing life ahead of you. You're suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuch a wonderful, caring, loving, AMAZING http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/bang.gif person. You're going to have an amazing life and do amazing things. You can do this, Carlie, ok? I have complete faith in you. You've come so far...and I know you are strong enough to beat this. Don't quit. Don't quit.

NEVER GIVE UP
~sarah~

Thanks Sarah.

I actually had a WONDERFUL day yesterday. I went with my older sister to a mall and we went shopping. I had lunch with her and it wasn't even that hard to eat it. It was just like, I was shopping and eating...it felt normal. It was AMAZING. I also had a cookie and chick-fil-a during our shopping expo. We didn't get that much shopping done, we just went in every store and looked, tryed on hats, etc. It was so fun. Then we came home so I could go to my therapy session, and my therapist could tell I had a wonderful day. She said that I was smiling and my face just had a light to it! Then after my session my family went out to eat at a really good hamburger joint. And I'm proud to say that I ate practically the whole thing! (at least a 1/4 pound of burger!) Then I went to my sister's house and spent the night there. I just had a GREAT day. I went the whole day without really thinking about food/weight. A first in...a year! Even today I'm kinda like 'who cares if I gain weight...food is medicine'. I love it! Except I really need to stop weighting myself. But it kinda reassured me, all that I ate yesterday and I didn't gain ANY weight! This is so awesome! I feel wonderful! Oh!!!! I got a fortune cookie and guess what the fortune said...."Full stomach, happy heart"!!! I swear...it's a sign!
Oh...my therapist asked what my motivation was to get better and I think my motivation is my Dad. He's so hurt by this. I mean he cryed! And yesterday my Mom told me that he even asked my Mom about life insurance, and if we'd have enough money to bury me! I started crying! I mean, he's that worried about me that he wanted to know if they'd have enough $ if I died!!! I ate that hamburger last night for him! And I'm gonna get better for him. And maybe eventually I'll be doing it for myself, but until then...getting better for anyone is an occomplishment!

-Carlie

Hang in there Carlie-if getting better for someone else is what you have to do until you do it for yourself, go for it. I have done that myself during parts of my recovery and it was that little extra I needed to keep on going down the hard, but worthwhile road to recovery.
(hugs)

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As long as there is life, there is hope

Hey Ash.!!! How r ya gal? I am sorry that I haven't been here for a while.
Oh!!! While I am here...I have a happy thought...I am going over to London to meet my bf's friends and everyone..I am nervous and excited. I LOVE MY BF!!!!!! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/biggrin.gif

Oh Carlie, I'm so so so glad to hear thatyou had such a wonderful day---you made me smile!!! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/biggrin.gif

And---that fortune cookie---I agree, it's a sign. You're gonna make it girl, you are.

And, on a side note, getting better for your dad is FINE. I am now going to see a counseler, and for a long time I was "getting better" because of or FOR my boyfriend...my counseler completely put me down about this...said I was doing it for the wrong reasons and that it wouldn't work if I was just getting better for him and yada yada yada...ya know what I say? Anything that gets me better is a good thing. I refuse to believe that (reguardless of the reason) me not purging is a bad thing. I won't believe it. And you shouldn't either. If it takes your dad crying to give you the motivation to get better, then so be it. If it takes being with your dad, and eating to please your dad and ease your dad's pain in order to eat dinner...then so be it. Why does it matter...YOU ATE, and that's a WONDERFUL WONDERFUL WONDERFUL thing. anyway---sorry---got off on a tanget, cuz my counseler makes me angry sometimes, it's like she doesn't understand....I'm excited, cuz during christmas break I don't have to see her!! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/biggrin.gif

have a great day hon, i'll talk toyou soon

NEVER GIVE UP
~sarah~