When I became anorexic as a teenager I thought I would reach a very low weight at which I would be "really skinny" and everybody would want to make me eat and I would be allowed to eat anything I ever wanted because I would HAVE TO gain weight... oh what a nice fantasy to have! To be the real skinny one, the one who could eat and would never have to worry about her weight...

Yes, there I was, at pretty much the "ideal weight" for my height, whatever that is, according to the charts anyway, and I wanted to be "REALLY skinny", DANGEROUSLY skinny, so that other people would say "eat", and so that I would allow MYSELF to eat, because I would not have to worry about getting fat with that huge "negative cushion"... And I LOVED to eat, eating had become an obsession a little bit already, meals had become the high point of my days, and I wanted to be so thin that I would allow myself to really enjoy those meals...

Fast-forward the time. Me again, a few months later... quite a few pounds lighter, looking rather skeletal, and yes other people DID say "eat", but did I like it? Argh!!!! And... did I allow myself to eat whatever I wanted? WHOM WAS I KIDDING???? The obsession with calories had just BEGUN!!!!!

Because IN ORDER TO REAMIN IN THAT STATE OF "BEING ALLOWED TO EAT" I COULD NOT ALLOW MYSELF TO EAT, OR I WOULD HAVE TO GIVE UP THAT STATE AGAIN...

Is that the illusion of anorexia?

Kathrin

Kathrin-

So good to hear from you again! You are such an inspiration to me! It's because of you that I decided to recover from my eating disorder. And here you are...once again, helping others battle theirs. What you have said is very true! Once you hit that "skinny weight/look" you are afraid to give it up.

I hope everything is going well for you! Take care!

Love, Jen

Hi Kathrin!! You know I so totally understood what you're saying, there was a time when i looked for my anorexia and now it seems to always be chasing me. Weird huh? But I too started because I wanted to be so thin that I could eat anything I wanted and that people would encourage that I eat. I just never imagined how totally addictive the eating habits could become, and I still don't understand how 6 months into recovery and at 90 lbs I still get the urge to stop eating knowing that everyone around me pushes me to eat
, so you see I'm there, where I wanted to be, people telling me I was too thin, and you know what anorexia is an unfulfilling fantasy because you want it so bad and you can never get enough of it. I wonder how most people here got into there eds? I imagine many started the same way. Well may God bless you all and remember we are stronger than our eds!!!

Hey Kat,
It seems you found out the hard way what an eating disorder truely is; at first I thought of it as my best friend, but as time went on I found out I was a mess w/o it, but also very unhappy with it. I got to the point I didn't know what living really was; all my time was consume by eating, not eating, purging, counting calories, making meals for others, and so on(I was both anoerxic and bulimic at times). I'm so glad that you are getting help. Keep up the good work and don't be gentle to yourself.
Take Care.

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As long as there is life, there is hope

wow---you write so well!! I understood everything you were saying---I felt everything you were saying.