Hey Everyone! I haven't been here in a while, so I hope that everyone is doing okay. I hate to be the barer of bad news but that's just about all that I can bring for how i've been. I don't even know where to start with all of this...I have no record whatsoever for anything. Today, I've had one of the worst purges in a long time [no blood though], my wrist is all scratched up and bloody, and for the past two days I've overdosed on meds. I've also been having major issues with this one girl in my french class, my best friend, another friend, and my parents. I guess I'll just take it one at a time.
My ED: It hasn't been getting any better. I'm lucky if I can even have a record of 6 hours! I did have a record of 1 day, but the next morning i was so disgusted with myself for having one that i didnt purge, so i purged with nothing but water in my stomach. I got the worst taste in my mouth but kept going and going and i was never satisfied!
Wrist: self-injury has become a huge part of what i'm going through. I;ve come to the fact that i NEED to get that feeling going up my arm! I need that burning sensation and tingling! It's a time when i'm out of this world that i hate so much, I'm just in my own space. It's a huge release for me along with purging! Which i'm aware probably makes no sense.
Overdose: I know that this is another thing that is not good for me, it's another release though. It's the ONLY thing that can put me to sleep at night. Last night was the 1st night in a long time that I have been able to sleep through a night. I needed that sleep! And if it's the only way to get it, then i'll go with it, plus, it also fills that other need for me!
Girl in French: She's very mean! She claims that I ALWAYS "glare" at her. It's not true! I looked at the clock one day to find out how much longer i would be stuck in that class. Then when i see her in the hall i just walk right pass her and don't smile, i'm sorry but i won't smile at someone who i don't like and doesn't deserve me to be friendly to. PLUS! I don't have anything to smile and be happy about! Just look at my life and what i deal with everyday! SO she spends everyday trying to get the rest of the class to go against me and making really rude comments. And everyday, I leave that class just about in tears and ready to hide.
Best friend: As some of you know, my best friend is also going through a really hard time right now too. It's one of the reasons that we are so close; we had a common ground. Well her counselor has been out of town for 3 weeks and she basically went downhill the day after she left. So I've been trying to keep my best friend here and okay while also trying to keep myself okay too and it's been very hard. I'm so glad that her counselor will be back on Wednesday, I hope that it'll help her.
Friend: I'm very concerned about another friend of mine. She is very depressed and does slit her wrists. Last night her boyfriend broke up with her and that took a great toll on her. All today she was very sad and cried in every class. Her boyfriend said that she is "too clingy" which is the same reason that her boyfriend from last year broke up with her. She told me today that her boyfriend was one of the few things that was keeping her alive and now she doesn't even have him. And i am very scared for her!
Parents: My parents are not making any of this any easier on me. They are always telling me that i am on the phone too long and that there could be an emergency and they wouldn't know b/c i'm on the phone. I told them what i always tell them when they say that and that is that if we get call waiting then i would know is eomeone esle was calling "just in case". My mom told me that they are going to make a rule that you can only be on the phone for 30 mins at a time w/ more than a 10 min break between phone calls. I said to them "have u ever heard of bad days? if i have a bad day or one of my other friendss, it takes more than 30 mins to talk about it and feel better!" and my dad was like "we never said that you can't talk to them only once a night!" AGH! DO they really thinkg that that makes that big of a difference? NO! I'm so glad that theya re going out of town Saturday afternoon to Sunday afternoon! And my sister won't be home either! I need that time away from all of them! unfortunately, my best friend won't be home either! She'll be at a church retreat, but might try to call me on her cell phone if she can. And my parents are letting me stay home by myself [suprisingly] BUT they are very "scared" and trying to like set up all this time to be with my aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandma, but i keep saying no! I mean, jeez...I'm 15, almost 16!! I do NOT need a babysitter!!!
Well, that's all for now! Sorry it's so long! I hope that everyone else is doing better than me!

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--katie--

AWWWWWWWWWW KATIE! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/frown.gif

HUGS AND HUGS AND HUGS!!!

I'm so so sorry that things have been so rough. Cutting yourself and overdosing on medicine is not a good thing. I have friends who (do or have done) that. They've ended up in the hospital clinging for life...they're messed up pretty bad. I don't want that for you. You have sooooo much ahead of you. You're 15 years old, you have so much to live for.

Will you please consider talking to your mom or dad about this---maybe not even your ED or cutting or anythign like that, just how you've been really depressed lately. Maybe if you see a counseler or someone, you can start to work beyond this pain that you're so obviously in. I'm so sorry that you feel this pain so deeply. I can't even imagine. You're still so young, you still have so much to live for. Please don't stop believing that.

I hope your friends are doing better and that stupid mean "french" people grow up! and that parents realize that you are grown up enough to deal with this pain and hard life...which means you are definitly grown up enough to deal with being home by yourself.

Please becareful if you're home by yourself, take this opportunity to cleanse yourself---to feel better---to relax and calm down...please don't take this opportunity to hurt yourself even more. WE love you katie, and I'm really worried about you.

Let us know how you're doing, k? http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif I'll talk to you soon!!

NEVER GIVE UP
~sarah~

(((Sarah)))

Thanks for all your care!! You're such a wonderful person! It's really hard though to talk to my parents! As bad as it may sound I hate them very much and I don't trust them enough to tell them anything that's important. I mean, jeez, when I make little comments about things to them, or say something to them, the next thing I know my whole fmaily knows about it and I don't want everyone to know about this! I don't want to tell my parents! They don't deserve to have me talk to them! Plus, my dad is having a lot of problems right now with work and he's trying to lose weight. He's doing it a better way than I am, and it'll be healthy for him to lose weight, but if you ask others about me, it's "not healthy" for me to.

I've barely found anything for me to live for, except for my best friend and she's about at the same place i am in things she is living for. We are both living for each other and that's about it. My dreams aren't coming true because I don't have the hope in myself anymore. That's what I was lacking when I was a lot younger and tried to come up with other ideas of what to be when i grew up and i always came back to the same one, and I finally was able to get the confidence in myself with it, and now it's gone again. Not because I don't think I can do it, but because I don't have the hope in myself with my ED enough that i've been letting it take over all my feelings for everything!
Then, today, my sister and her friend were over baking cookies [AH!] and I was going crazy because i couldn't talk to my best friend because she's grounded right now. And they were telling me that it's no big deal that i can't talk to her b/c i'll have to go even longer w/o her when we're in college and after college because we won't stay friends. How can they tell me that, esp to my FACE? I ran downstairs, went online, and cried! I can not live without my best friend! I can't! And i'm going through a HARD time right now and I can't have people telling me that i won't be friends with my best friend! My best friend IS my reason for living!! How can I lose her? I CAN'T!!

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--katie--

AWWWWW!!! KATIE!!! I'm so sorry that you have parents that you feel like you can't relate to. That sucks, I know, I'm in the same situation. My parents and I aren't close AT ALL...and that makes everything 10xs harder.

I'm sorry to hear that you feel you have nothing to live for. I believe that you have a future to live for. katie, you're such an amazing person, you've helpd me (and the others on this board) so incredibly much in our times of need. I've seen you care so much about everybody and give strength to everybody...I can see such an amazing future for you. I beleive in you.

One last comment before I head back to bed (i've come down with a bit of the flu and it's really taking a lot out of me) anyway---as for your sister and her friend saying that you won't stay friends with your best friend after college---I don't believe it. My three best friends all went to different schools all over the country, and we're still very close. I go visit them, they come visit me. In fact, my best friend and I are not dating and I love him very much even though he's 100 miles away from me and I only get to see him once a week (if I'm lucky). There are lots of ways to stay close after college, and college isn't an excuse to not stay friends---you adn your best friend are VERY close, and your friendship can sustain distance and colleges. Trust me. Feel better sweetie

NEVER GIVE UP
~sarah~

Hey Sarah--

Thanks! It makes me feel a lot better to have someone tell me that it's not completely possible. It really suprises me to hear it come from my sister and her friend because they will be heading to college next year, so I would think that they'd have a better attitude than that.

Things have been bothering me a lot more lately and sometimes I just don't understand why or where it came from. I was talking to my best friend on the phone the other night and she said that she really wanted me to do this teen choir at my church b/c i want a career in music and stuff...and she's like 'katie, why don't you want to come? You have such a great voice! You'd have so much fun!" and I just started crying! It's really hard to deal with all of this because I have given up on some of the biggest things in my life that i care about. I have given up on my music, i stopped playing guitar which i loved, and I miss it everyday but I let it take me, and I continue to slowly let my ED take parts of me. And, I have barely cared sometimes, b/c i just don't want some of the things that come with recovery. Like Carlie had said i don't want to go through recovery because that means being fat and unhappy and i REALLY do NOT want that! As bad as this ED may seem, sometimes, it just seems better than the other "choices".

I do have some good news though...I made it onto my church's mission team! So, that'll be something VERY good for me and I'll be going with my best friend on that! So hopefully that'll be a good experience for me! I hope that everyone is doing well tonight, and I'll talk to everyone later!


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--katie--