Hey Carlie and everybody else... http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/wave.gif

I know I"m not around much anymore---i usually go in spurts...I have TONS of time and then I have absolutly NO time...

anyway--carlie I was wondering how you were doing. I know a lil' while ago you were really having a hard time, because you were dealing with your paernts being upset about yoru ed and everything. I was just sending happy thoughts your way.

everybody else? How ya doing? holidays are coming up and I'm finding this time to be very difficult...but I'm still on the road to recovery---but it's a looooooong hard road...keep working everybody, I have faith in us!! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/biggrin.gif

NEVER GIVE UP
~sarah~

Hey Sarah. I haven't been posting much myself either. It's hard to give encouragement when you yourself have lost it all. I'm not going to lie...I think I maybe out of recovery. Maybe it's just a slip up. I dunno. I hate that...not knowing. It's like I'm not 100% devoted to recovery and I'm not 100% devoted to anorexia. I just don't know. I feel so alone. So lost. It hurts me to see my parents suffering so much but at the same time it's not enough for me to 'snap out' of this. I don't want to ruin this holiday season by being so up tight and worring about things that don't matter. (food/weight) But at the same time I can't bring myself to enjoy a sandwich and a coke. Calorie numbers just run through my mind. I can't seem to stay off the scale even when I KNOW it'll just make me upset. I can't seem to stop spitting out food (a new habit I picked up http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/frown.gif ) and throwing it away. I can't stop it and it's ruining my life. <--I can say that but at the same time IT IS MY LIFE. Maybe recovery isn't for everyone. I mean, why in the world would I want to recover? It just means getting fatter. Who's happy when they're fat? NO ONE. At least I'll be sort of happy thin and with my ED than completely unhappy and fat. Uhh. I just don't know. It makes me mad that my parents are talking about me dying but I just don't know how that's possible since I don't FEEL bad. Well...not bad enough to DIE. I'm nuts....

-Carlie

Hey Carlie,

Good to hear from you, I wish you wouldn't have such bad news to share. I'm so sorry you're struggling. The internal conflict that you described is exactly what keeps so many of us in the ED-cycle. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/frown.gif

Don't really have time to respond right now, hope you're feeling better...and remember that your family loves you and cares very much baout you, but you need to decide to get better for YOU. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/angel.gif

NEVER GIVE UP
~sarah~

Hey Carlie!

I am so sorry to hear that things haven't been going very well for you! You deserve to get better, whether you always believe that or not. I completely can relate to what you're going through, those are the reasons why i won't even start recovery!! I hope that everything gets better for you real soon! Keep us informed!

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--katie--

Katie, I hope you change your mind and start recovery; it's long, hard, painful, and not any fun, but it's well worth it. We are talking about your life hon, and you deserve to live, and right now you aren't truely living for your life is focused on your eating disorders, plus, if you keep up your eating disorder behaviors, there is a chance it will kill you. Take care honey.

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As long as there is life, there is hope