I don't know if this will get me anywhere but I am at my wits end. I am a male, 40yrs, married to my second wife and living in the North East of England. I have a daughter from my first marriage, (and no children to my wife) following which I went through a bad time and in moments of madness had a vasectomy at the age of 33yrs.
I have been married now for 2yrs and we both desperately want children. I had a reversal operation which failed and we have just completed our second icsi treatment, within the last 6months, both of which have failed. We are planning to go for number 3 in the new year.
The first failure was bad to handle. The second has been almost unbearable. I am absolutelty scared stiff of the third. My wife is so wrapped up in it, she cannot see that it has had an effect on us, but mainly on myself.
I feel so guilty. The emotional cost, not to mention the financial cost is hard to bear.
If you knew me you would be very surprised at me resorting to this tactic, however I have searched the web for help/support groups and have come up with this site.
Anyone out there who can help?

Hi Richie :wave:
I don't know directly of any support groups specifically for your particular problem, but I do understand a little of the guilt you feel--but for totally different reasons. I am the reason for the infertility my husband and I face...although I didn't choose to have a procedure to have this problem, I still feel guilty that it's because of me that we are experiencing this problem. I sometimes wonder if he ever thinks how easily he could probably have a baby if he'd just married someone else. Which is really a stupid thing for me to even think, because he loves me to pieces and I know that, but I can't help thinking it just the same, and feeling like my body is to blame for all of this. So, you are not alone in what you are feeling. But I also think it can't hurt to talk to your wife about it. I do think the support group thing is a fabulous idea too! This board has basically been a support group for me, maybe it can help you too. If you are looking for a more specific support group for your particular problem and you are having difficulty finding it, then perhaps seeing a therapist would help?
I do think what you are feeling is normal, but all the same, since you can't go back in time, I think it's best to just move forward positively with what you can do to have a child (IVF right now for you). Thinking that way has helped me. And dealing with your mental state with a support group or therapist can help. Also there are many really good relaxation CD's out there that can really help with stress levels. It may sound really silly, but I have tried a couple and they have really helped also.
Anyway, welcome to the board, hope you stick around. Good luck with you and your wife's next treatment.

Hi Richie
I've only just joined this site and read your message. Given how many of us there apparently are I find it surprising that there are practically no forums for men with fertility problems. I also live in the UK - in Nottm. My wife and I have been struggling with infertility for about 3 years now. We have had 2 cycles of IUI and we are currently on our 3rd IVF cycle.
The most difficult issue I have, by far, is the emotional side. It sounds like you have had similar experiences. I feel tremendous guilt - for putting my wife through the treatment (which is hard work for her) and for denying her the opportunity to conceive naturally. Understandably, my wife gets very upset and there have been some very black patches when she has been in tears for days on end. I try to be positive, to reassure her and be strong - sometimes I feel like screaming or getting shedded (but I've stopped drinking because of the treatment!!). It hurts me too and yet I never let her know the true extent; because it is my fault it wouldn't be fair to burden her any further. Often I really wish that we hadn't married and that my wife was with a fertile man.
I'm sure that there are lots of us out there - if you want to share your experiences then please do. I don't mean to depress you!
Good luck!

I am so glad you men are speaking up! My husband is having some real difficult emotional problems, as he just turned 40 and I, 39. We know this next year is our last run at this game. He has had no support from anyone. He is so scared about so many things right now. He is going to talk to a counselor soon, and I know it helps him when he talks to me. We talk extensively about our feelings. There are days when I can only see the dark side, and there are days when he only sees the dark side. We try to lift each other up as best we can. He is also having guilty feelings because he is a cannibis smoker. He is going through a phased withdraw and we are not sure how moods, feelings, etc. are going to be affected. He can't drink alcohol at all, so it is his only outlet right now. I feel guilty, too, because I have physical conditions that are contributing to infertility as well. I strongly recomment a counselor. There is just too much stress and emotional turmoil involved in this process. Stress inoculation, relaxation training, exercise, meditation, outdoor work, etc. - are all things you can do to help your body with the stress. Stress is hell on our bodies!

I am proudly going to tell him there are some men from the other side of the pond on here, and maybe there will be the beginnings of a male support thread, at least!

Life is short, carpe diem!

Tricia:wave:

Richie and Harold,
Thanks so much for posting!!!
My husband and I have had a long journey with infertility, and I know that it has often been hard on him in ways that I couldn't see at the time. I would get a kind of "tunnel vision," sort of obssessed with whatever treatment we were trying at the time--I wish now that I had always been more open and ready to listen to what he was going through. If I had been more open, he might have felt more free to talk to me.
Infertility is so hard on a relationship! You are both struggling and suffering at the same time, and feel like you don't have much to offer each other, because you are already worn out... I think that what has really helped my dh and me is that we have found support elsewhere--he is his way and I in mine. Honestly, however, I think that it was easier for me, because I found this board. Finding men to talk to about it was really hard for him, but he did find those few close friends, and I thank God for them!

Richie--we too felt that terror of trying again. It hurts SO MUCH when it doesn't work. It was tempting to just try to stay numb and go through the motions without feeling anything. But that doesn't really help, it just makes the journey longer and more painful in the end. I guess the best advice I could give (for what it's worth) would be to enjoy as much as possible the break that you have between now and the new year. Try to build some memories of enjoying being the two of you together. That may give you some of the strength you need to face the days ahead...

You are in our thoughts and prayers!
adoette

It is great to hear from some men. My DH is infertile due to testicular cancer and I have been trying to find other men who have gone through the ICSI procedure.
I am so sorry that it has not worked for yo yet. I can't even imagine being able to endure that process more than once.
I think why your wife may be getting tunnel vision is because unfortunately no matter which partner is infertile it is the woman who gets to do most of the precedures.
Don't feel bad about that though. That is not your fault it is just the nature game. It is who we are as women and we know that we must bear pain to recieve great joy no matter to what extent that pain may be.
Good luck and pleas keep talking in the baords

Hi all, it's great to see how supportive everyone is on this forum and I just wanted to add my experiences. I'm also a British guy (are all the males on this forum from the old country ???) although I married an American lady and have been living in the US for 10 plus years now.

We are right now on our third IVF cycle and I can really identify with the feelings that you guys have expressed, especially how hard it is for both partners when a cycle doesn't work. We did a fresh cycle where the initial FSH test failed, then a frozen cycle where the FSH test was good but the embryo didn't take and my wife miscarried after a only couple of weeks. The second one was probably worse emotionally than the first, because we were actually getting somewhere for a while - although my wife had some bleeding and cramps during the interval, we had an interim ultrasound where the doc told us that everything actually looked OK, so it was really up and down for those two weeks.

This time around we're having a similar experience - the FSH test was sky high and it looks like we actually have two embryos growing in there, but it's so hard to just wait until we are far enough along for them to tell for sure whether it looks like things are working.

The best thing I can say on the positive front is that if you can both just get through it, the experience will bring you even closer together - and it will certainly make work problems and things like that seem as relatively unimportant as they really are !

Anyway, good luck to everyone.

Hey everyone
Thanks for all the postings - they are really helpful and supportive. We are in the middle of an IVF cycle now (long protocol) so fingers crossed! it's funny be we are already talking about the next cycle or other interventions that we might try in future - perhaps this is a good sign and might relieve some pressure. The 2ww is not something I look forward to but it just might work this time! My wife is trying acupuncture for the first time - what experiences have others had?

Hi Harold, I was reading your post and have to tell you, I know some women who did accupuncture or yoga and it helped them. In my clinic they recommend them openly, they say that the "non medical part" is as important as the medical part to increase chances. They even gave us a pamphlet where they indicate that accupuncture is believed to increase fertility. Maybe there is not complete scientific explanation yet on how, but the important thing is that it does help.
Also, like you, my husband and I used to kind of "plan" what would we do next month, if the current month didn't work, and it helps. It gives you another perspective, and as you said it also takes some of the tension away.
Good luck, I'll be crossing my fingers for you!:angel:
Athena