hi all i know most of you probably dont know me all that well but i guess i just need some words wisdom

i have been doing so well with my bulimia but at the moment things seem to be getting worse actually i know they are getting worse i puge everything i eat (i never used to do this i only used to binge and purge)

and i cant eat anything without feeling asthough i have to get it out of my body

i dont know what to do i know what i want to do just not what i am supposed to do

everything was just getting back to normal and now its like 'here we go again'

sorry for rambling i had to get it out

AWWW!! blue cloud!! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/frown.gif

I'm sorry you're feeling so...dare I attempt a pun...blue. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/wink.gif (hehe, sorry, couldn't resist...)

anyway---I've been where you are, you are not alone. Have you considered telling anybody about your ED, or having you tried, or considered getting professional help? I'll tell you, from personal experience, that it's not the most wonderful time you'll ever have (getting professional help and taking the steps towards recovery) but it is beneficial.

Purging everything you eat is so bad for your body. I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this. Unfortunatly, you are not alone. Many people who struggle with bulimia have to go thorugh this step...from purging only what they CHOSE to...to feeling the need to purge EVERYTHING they eat. Feeling empty is such a rush...and purging is so much easier than starvation...but it's killing your body, mind, and spirit...slowly. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/frown.gif I'm sorry that you have to deal with this, if I could take away everyone's ED's I would...because it's such an internal struggle. On one hand you WANT to get better, to be healthy, etc etc etc...but on the other hand...being healthy still means being "fat" to so many of us. Trying to remember that that isn't true, is 1/2 the battle. Good luck!! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/angel.gif

NEVER GIVE UP
~sarah~

Howdy, Blue Cloud! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/wave.gif It’s good to hear from you again! So sorry things aren’t going so well for you at the moment... but don’t be worried because eventually they WILL. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif

The reason you seemed to be getting better and then had this downfall is most likely because you never actually received professional help that you need to recover from this bulimia that you’re struggling with. I am right in thinking that you never received help for it, right?

Please seriously consider getting professional help now, before things get even worse. I used to be in a similar situation where I would only purge when I WANTED to... but when I was at my worst I threw up EVERYTHING I ate, I just couldn’t help it. I know it sounds gross that I had no control over it, but I assure you, this can happen to ANYONE. Imagine being in a restaurant one day and having that happen! Not very pretty...

You any your therapist can work through your bulimia step by step and eventually you’ll be doing so well, you’ll barely even think about food other than saying to yourself, “I’m hungry, I think I’ll go and have something to eat”. Wouldn’t that be nice? You wouldn’t even be worried! Not that you should be now... but then there come those darn eating disorder thoughts again!

Like Sarah said, at some points therapy can get a bit tough, but mostly you’ll actually just appreciate that there is someone there for you to talk to who is actually trying to work with you to get you better. There were times during therapy when I DREADED life... I just wanted it to be over... I didn’t really care to live anymore. I felt dismayed whenever a therapy session was coming up... but then at the same time, if ever I COULN’T go to therapy for one reason or another, I felt completely lost. I just felt like I needed to talk to her about my bulimia... even though I don’t do hardly ANY of the talking there! (I’m really shy.)

In the end it was a good idea because I’m getting better now. I still se a counselor and I do get weighed up at the clinic, and it sure seems to take a long time but all in all it’s worth the struggle. I no longer want my life to be over... I no longer wish that some freak accident would occur that might end my life... I’m just plain and simple feeling a whole lot better. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif

Well, I’m very sorry to have gone on for so long about myself! I just wanted to give you a little insight, so that you will be able to understand what it CAN be like... and so you don’t lose hope. Because one thing with these eating disorders is that you can NEVER give up.

Take care and good luck with everything. I sincerely hope that things will begin to improve for you VERY soon.

Ashlee

( ( ( ( ( ( Blue Cloud / Sarah ) ) ) ) ) )

(((((((((((( http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/heart.gif ashlee+sarah http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/heart.gif ))))))))))))))

thank you so much for your replies things are still all over the place i am just not sure what to do.
i have a borderline personality (alegedly) depression and self harm plus this whole thing that is going on at the moment.

i have a nurse and a dr who i see. i told both my nurse and my dr what was going on and they just said that it wasnt their primary concern so i havnt said anything since i just feels so isolating and i guess i could explain that things are getting worse and that maybe i need a little extra help but i guess most of me has now been taking in by the ED feelings of empiness, controll, acheivement it has just grabbed me and i know i should let it go and get help but my head is telling me otherwise

i know i sound stupid and that i should just ask for help but i just feel asthough iam wasting their time and that they have more important things to be getting on with

sorry for going on i just guess i feel i need to do something.

thank you again



------------------
love and bubbles blue

Hey hon,

You never ramble, and you never waste anybody time---not even your doctors...even though you may feel like that sometimes. I promise, they are there to help you, even if it doesn't always seem like that.

I'm so sorry that when you talked about your ED and your concerns about food that your doctor and nurse put it off like it wasn't a big deal. That's a horrible reaction to someon with an ED. You need help and you took those first steps and got shut down. That's awful...you deserve better than that, andI hope that you realize this!!! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif

And you do not sound stupid...getting help is a HUGE step, because letting go of your ED is such a large part of getting well...and it's also the hardest part. I'm struggling with it too, and so are many other people. It's almost like a part of you doesn't want to get better. There's part of you that identifies with your ED and it becomes a part of who you are. It's a horrible conflict...it really is, you're not alone...you are NOT STUPID!!!!! Good luck, hon!! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/biggrin.gif

NEVER GIVE UP
~sarah~

you aren't wasting anybodies time Blue Cloud. I find I learn a lot about myself by coming to these boards and they help in the healing process. Also, I am meeting a lot of wonderful people.
I know how hard it is to go for help, but I also know the fear of knowing that your eating disorder is out of control. When in my bulimic stage I had safe foods I could eat w/o purging, than, as time went on those foods weren't even safe anymore. Than, after each binge and purge or just eating and purging for I didn't binge all that much when I think about it, I would beat myself up and tell myself I shouldn't have ate at all and so on...it's a viscous cycle and it's one I don't miss at all. Please, give counseling a try; it's a lot of hard work, but well worth it in the end.

------------------
As long as there is life, there is hope

thank you for your kind words it really is a relief to be able to come on here and people support you and actually listen to what you say. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif

i dont really know what to do, there is a support line that i have the number to i guess that would be a positive step and that doesnt seem to daunting to me so i will give it a go but i am not going to tell my nurse and dr again i just felt so stupid for even mentioning it. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/frown.gif

thank you all once again you have been so very kind http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/heart.gif



------------------
love and bubbles blue

Hey, Blue. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/wave.gif So sorry it takes me so long to reply sometimes; I'm on quite a different time zone than most of you so there's my excuse! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/biggrin.gif

Well, I think it's completely irrisponsible of your doctor to say and act as he did. He should know how important it is to listen to people with issues as serious as yours and help you take a step in the right direction. So it won't be HIS main focus, so what? It doesn't have to be! It will be yours and your counselors, but HE should have refered you! Sorry, I just think it's increadibly silly of him to say what he did after you got the guts up to talk to him. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/frown.gif

Oh well, no use dwelling on the past I always say! No I don't always say that! Who am I kidding? LOL! But in this case I think it suits. Just forget about what he said and DON'T feel stupid for mentioning it. Just remind yourself of how stupid HE is! LOL! Okay, that's a bit over the top from me! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/tongue.gif

Anyway, ringing that number is a VERY good idea! Well done on deciding on that! Let me know how it goes when you do it, okay? (((Hugs))) I'd love to hear!

Take care of yourself! And so sorry I'm not around so much anymore - I DO like coming here, but I just don't have the time anymore. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/frown.gif

Lots of love,
Ashlee

ashlee there is no need at all to appologise you have as far as i can see been here for most people when they need support so dont put yourself down i do know what you mean about not having the time though i used to come onto these boards so much but now i just dont have the time to be here as much as i would like to.

i havnt called that number yet im not sure that i will now it seemed like such a good idea at the time but now im having doubts.

i dont know sometimes i think if ignore a problem it will just go away i just wish it would work!



------------------
love and bubbles blue

Okay, so you didn't call the number. What are your doubts. What are your fears? I know it's hard to reach out for help, but it will be worth it in the end; you are worth it hon. I will be praying for you.
God Bless and take care.

------------------
As long as there is life, there is hope

Hi, Blue. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif

Sometimes it's just best not to think about things too much, but rather, just go out and do them! Like with calling that number. A few days ago you were all ready to call... now you're having doubts about it. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/frown.gif Please try your hardest to convince yourself to do it bacause I'm sure it'll be a good choice! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif When you decide to do it, don't think about it anymore and just get it over with. Okay? http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/biggrin.gif

Take care!
Ashlee

mmmmm just pick up the phone dial the number and speak sounds so simple doesnt it? http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/wink.gif

still havnt called i guess i think if i call then i may get the same response i did before and i think that i waste peoples time enough without being told again
i know this probably wont happen well actually i dont know that otherwise i would just call http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/confused.gifi confuse myself so much

i hate to say this as i know it is wrong but i am feeling pretty good at the moment i guess i like being in controll but i know to well that it wont be long before the ED is in the driving seat

actually reading that back mayby it is already driving

im so sorry to be going on all the time i am listening to your advice and i appreciate it so much but im scared http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/frown.gif

thank you for being there for me http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/heart.gif

------------------
love and bubbles blue

[This message has been edited by blue cloud (edited 12-11-2002).]

Hey blue,

It does sound simple, but we all know it's not as simple as it sounds. It's a huge step. I remember the fears (the ones I still have) I was always afraid of wasteing people's time...and I was also afraid that people wouldn't believe me. They would say "you can't be bulimic, you're too fat."

Take your time, you're ready to get help for yourself, and that's wonderful. Sending you lots of warm wishes and happy thoughts.

NEVER GIVE UP
~sarah~

Hiya, Blue. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/wave.gif

How are you? http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif

I realise that making that call isn't as simple as it sounds either... don't I know it! Quite a few months back my counsellor was away and I was having a HECK of a time dealing with everything... I was about ready to 'take the easy way out'...

Finally, with a lot of encouraging and convincing of the people here at that time (Catgirl, JJay in particular), I made a call to the emergency number that they'd given me for the child and adolescent mental health clinic where I go because someone it always on call. I then went in one day as they helped me make an appointment and got a whole lot of stuff sorted out.

Anyway, I'm just sharing this with you because you're pretty much going through the same thing right now - a REALLY difficult time in your life. I know it's a struggle, but once you gather up the courage, please don't hesitate a moment before making that call. I gaurentee you'll feel a lot better in the long run - PLUS then you've done something that takes a lot of courage! Something that you can look back on in the months to come when you enter recovery. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/biggrin.gif

You WON'T get the same response as you did last time - I assure you! Those people obviously just didn't realise how big a thing this was for you - which I HAVE to sa was pretty strange of them! But put that behind you and move on. Unfortunately, a lot of us have experiences like that in our lives but the best thing you can do is to just let this one slip by. For your sake!

Or even - better yet - go back there and put your foot down and say, "Look! This is what's bothering me and it IS a big deal... if you are health care professionals then please listen to me as I am really struggling here at the moment." ...Or something along those lines anyway! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/tongue.gif

Well, take care, Blue! Hope to hear from you again soon. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif

Lots of love,
Ashlee

thankyou both for your kind words of encouragement i can see that this is a hard thing for anyone to do

you have no idea how many times i have picked up the phone and dialed all but the last number i think i may have actually forgotten how to use the phone http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/biggrin.gif

today i think i can do this but as soon as i get to the phone my head starts telling me to stop being so stupid and that there isnt really anything wrong.i mean i managed to eat last night and i kept it down so i must be better i know this isnt true but at the time it kinda makes sense.

im sorry if you all think that i am not listening to you and im just wasting your time i want to get this sorted but there is a part of me thats ok with being like this its a 24/7 battle

sorry i just go on and on about myself i really hope you guys are doing ok and that you are getting the help you deserve http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif



------------------
love and bubbles blue

Blue Cloud,
I wish I had the words to help you get over your fears so you could pick up that phone and make the call. Yet, I know all to well how scarey recovery is and just thinking about it used to scare me. I can tell you that it's possible and it makes life much more wonderful. Hang in there honey and know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.
Take Care.

------------------
As long as there is life, there is hope

Hiya, Blue Cloud!

Don't worry at all because you're not wasting ANYONE'S time! It's not your fault that you haven't made the call yet, I know it's not. We all do! I know what ED's are like, and they make you think that you're worthless and you don't deserve anyone's help - and that's what it sounds like you're feeling right now. But I can tell you straight off that that's just not true. Because you ARE worth it - you're a wonderful person! It's not your fault at ALL that you developed this illness, and you deserve to get all the help you need to get better.

Recovery IS possible, but please PLEASE remember that the longer you wait, the harder it's going to get. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/frown.gif And as it's hard enough already, please try to do it now before it gets even worse.

Would it help if a friend or a family member went with you?

I know you're aware of hor important it is that you get help quickly, that's why you keep getting so close to making that call. Please, next time you try, just absolutely FORCE yourself to finish it. They're not going to think you're being silly AT ALL! Trust me... why would I lie?

Good luck to you and ENJOY the holiday season!

Lots of love,
Ashlee

thank you i really do appreciate you guys taking the time out to support me with this http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/heart.gif

i really cant tell a family member whats going on as up untill 4 months ago i was in a theraputic community for 4 months and before that i was on a psyc ward for 8 months so they have been through hell and i have finally just gained their trust back and they think im doing well and i just cant put them through that again.

i really dont know what to do i have been doing this on and off for 5 years but each time it gets worse and i just think that it has passed before and it will do again and its not asthough i couldnt do with loosing a little weight i know its my insides i should be worried about but i guess i just dont want to admit that ive messed up again

i am going to try and make that call but before i do what will they ask me? what do i say? i will do it im just scared they will think im stupid

i hope you guys enjoy the holiday season too, im off to my parents which im looking forward to spending time with them but just not the food.



------------------
love and bubbles blue

Oh Blue, I'm so sorry to hear you've had such a rough past. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/frown.gif I can't even imagine what that was like for you. But your parents stuck by you through that time, and I'm sure if you need their help they'll stick by you again.

As for the call, I hope you decide to make it. I'm not sure what they will ask you or what they will tell you. I'm not sure of any of that stuff, but I do know that they will help you help yourself. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif Also, they will NOT think you are stupid. And as for you "standing" to lose a few pounds, that doesn't mean you're not sick with an eating disorder, as we all know here eating disorders come in all shapes and sizes...

good luck
happy holidays

NEVER GIVE UP
~sarah~

Hey Blue,
You mentioned that you didn't want to put your family through all of this again. What about what you are putting yourself through? Also, how can you gain your familie's trust if you aren't honest with them? Sooner or later they are bound to figure out what is going on. Hon, we all know that eating disorders are deadly, and I'm sure that your family would rather have you alive than dead. Recently I lost a friend in an accident and he was young and his family was heartbroken. I know dying from an eating disorder isn't the same, but it's the only example I have at this time.
Take Care.

thankyou again, you guys must be getting pretty sick of me going on and on its just at this time i have no-one else to talk to about this.

i know im still decieving my parents but i really do believe that they wont find out and to be honest i would rather die than to hurt them again http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/frown.gif

i really want to make this call im just so scared that i wont know what to say and that they will ask me a question and i wont know the answer. i know its not a test and they are there to help but i guess my head is pretty messed up right now

faith im so sorry to hear about your friend and i completely understand what you are saying but i dont want to die but i really dont want to hurt people either. i guess i just wish i could handle this alone im tired of being the messed up one in my family if i can pretend im normal then surely one day i will be



------------------
love and bubbles blue

Hey blue,

how ya doing?? First of all, I never get sick of you talking on the boards, tat's what they're here for. I hope they're helping you! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif

And I understand about wanting to do this on your own. But sometimes the hardest part of getting help is taking the first steps and actually admidtting that this is out of our control. We need help to get over ED's. They're not simple, they're in fact, very very very complex!! Beyond telling a family member, is there a close friend that you could tell...somebody you could confide in?? It might make you feel less alone. I understand if you can't do this right now either. It was sooooooooo long before I could tell ANYBODY, and even now I find myself slipping back into hiding and decieving the people I love the most...hell, my parents still don't know. And chances are I'll never EVER be able to tell them (it's just how my family works...)

Anyway---good luck with the call, have you made it yet? I know it's a HUGE step, but we're all behind you 110%!!!!!!! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/biggrin.gif

GOOD LUCK!!

NEVER GIVE UP
~sarah~

*sigh* I wish I had the words to make you realize what you are doing. You aren't only lying to your family, but also to yourself. There is NOTHING wrong with needing help, in fact, all of us in some point in our lives need help. It's okay to lean on others, to go to therapy, to need medication, to even slip up, as long as you get back up and try again. I don't know what else to say, I do know however I don't get sick of seeing your posts and will contiue to try and support you and others here for I know were a lot of you are coming from and will do everything I can to help.
Take Care.

------------------
As long as there is life, there is hope

thank you so much i hope you all had a good time over the holiday season

i guess im just going to give up on this making the phone call thing i cant do it im just going to leave it and see what happens

have a great new year all



------------------
love and bubbles blue

(((((((Blue Cloud)))))))
I have a good friend online who is in a postion something like yours and I told her that if she can't hold hope for herself I would hold her hope until she could take it for herself. Blue Cloud, I want to do the same for you..basically, lean on your friends and let them help you. You may not be ready right now, but someday I can only hope you will be.
Take Care.

------------------
As long as there is life, there is hope

faith thank you so much you dont know how much that means to me you are so kind http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/heart.gif

i guess i dont have any friends close enough to lean on right now. i have put them all through so much i think most of them have given up on me and i dont blame them i think i have pretty much given up on myself too

how are you doing at the moment faith? did you have a good christmas?

i hope everyone is well



------------------
love and bubbles blue

Hello again hon,
I will respond more later, but at the moment I am fighting a terrible cold and just logged on to tell people I won't be on for awhile. I know were you are coming from though for I put my friends through a lot as well while I fought my ED.
Take Care.

------------------
As long as there is life, there is hope