Hello Everyone,

Well, I have been in denial for a while. I normally post on the weightloss boards thinking I dont have an eating disorder. But reality is I DO. I am obsessed w/ my weight.

I have lost 65lbs from low fat dieting and low carb dieting. Also with the help of diet pills. But now, I have gone the extreme.

I have been taking diet pills for 9 months. And I will binge and then take laxative because I am afraid of the weight gain from the good. This is SO NOT NORMAL.

I struggled w/ my weight for two years after I quit smoking. I do have access to a really good gym but refuse to do it.

I think all of this is a self-destructive behavior for me. See, my husband is in the Navy and while he is gone, I torture myself. I dont know why. But the only thing I feel I have control over is my weight.

But, I really need support w/ this. I dont want to take my diet pills anymore. But I am so paranoid I know I will wake up and immediately pop my two for the day. And seriously...THEY DONT HELP. I started out eating healthy, and exercising. But then just went off the deep end when my husband left for his first deployment. I did not eat for like two weeks. And that will come in cycles.

I feel funny finally admitting this. But, I feel like I need to get this off my chest. And maybe, just maybe, someone out there has gone through this and can give me some insight on what to do.

Sinnrah

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This is only my Opinion

Hey Sinnrah
I can completely sympathize with your posting... diet pills (or rather, the need for diet pills) are addictive. I started out by ordering Xenical and it has progressively got worse every day since then. I'm currently taking ephedra, phentermine, caffeine, xenical, etc, etc, you name it i'm taking it.
I seem to have this fear that if i stop taking them, i will suddenly gain loads of weight - but its rediculous because I havn't actually lost any weight. The diet pills just seem to give me an excuse to eat and binge more.
I'm gonna try cutting-down. Maybe try filling up an empty bottle of my normal pills with vitamins and take them every day telling myself that they are diet pills. You never know - it might work!
They say that admitting you have a problem is half-way to solving it, so congratulations on that.
There are some great people here who i am sure will be replying to your post soon with some sound advice.
I feel too hypocritically to say anything further, but i hope it helps to know that you are not alone.
9volt. x

[This message has been edited by 9volt (edited 01-07-2003).]

Hi 9Volt,

Thanks for replying. I did think I was the only one. But maybe that is part of this disorder. Thinking you are totally alone in this. I havent taken them today. But I dont know if I will go all day or not.

The laxative I took last night has made me feel like I was his by a Mac Truck. I feel bad today. I feel tired.
I seem to feel the same way. I take my pills in order to eat more. But, I have not gained or lost anymore. So that is good. I have maintained where I am. But I really am worried about the effects of taking ephedrine for almost a year.

I know my liver is probably working overtime, even though, I drink a lot of water. But, I feel, already, this urgency to go and take the pills.

I started out w/ them and now I can not seem to do w/out them.

Sinnrah

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This is only my Opinion

Welcome Sinnrah!! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/wave.gif

First of all, welcome to the boards!!!!! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/biggrin.gif I want to say how proud I am of you, and how much respect I have for you that you found the strength and courage to post and to begin to admidt to yourself that your ideas, thoughts and actions about food are not normal...that you may need help! good for you, you should pat yourself on the back!! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/bouncing.gif

As for the diet pills, I will not let myself start them, I've gone on numerous occassions and spent money on them only to come home and throw them away in a fit of anger. They are so addictive (I've seen so many people become addictive to them)...and it's just not a healthy way to lose weight.

Congrats on admidtting that you need help, coming out of denial is a HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGE step...good luck. Have you told anybody else? That's the next big step. Good luck, and continue to let us know how you're doing. You will find that this board is an amazing place to come for love and and advice and support and understanding!! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/biggrin.gif

NEVER GIVE UP
~sarah~

Hi Sarah,

No, I have not told anyone else other than my husband. I started my day w/out them and ended up getting paranoid and took two of them. Then I ate chicken, sausage,6 baby butterfingers, and a whole bag of popcorn.

Okay but I still took my laxative. I got so mad that I ate all of that I took two laxative and will probably take one more.

I just can not seem to get control of this. But now the junk food is out of my house, I feel I will be alright. But what a way to get rid of it by eating it all. I jumped on the scales and it still said 105 and it was 102 this morning. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/frown.gif

But tomorrow is another day to try and recover. All I can keep doing is try.

Sinnrah

YOU need to stop worrying about your phsical apperance. Listen, lead a healthy life style. BE happy. I mean who cares what people think. IN the end we all die, so grab a piece of pie and be happy. And don't take diet pills unless you wish to use them as a fun and cheap stimulant.

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Open your eyes! The doors of perception must be opened.

Hi
It is easier said than done. If you havent walked in my shoes then you dont know how hard it is for me, personally. I am not saying it isnt hard for any of us. But, we are all different. You are right I should quit worrying. But even if I did not have and ED I would not grab a piece of pie. Dont like pie...maybe cake. LOL

I can not get over this by myself. It seems that since my DH has been gone, I have gone downhill. Depression, not eating, or binging, diet pills, laxatives. You would think that I would want to do some real drugs. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/eek.gif But I dont drink, or partying in any kind of way. But yet I abuse my body by doing this.

The sad fact is that I realize everything you are saying. But I just cant do it. For me a switch has to go off in my head to make me realize that I am on a downward spiral. Like when I started losing weight, I just got up and said okay NO MORE BEING BIG. And I am waiting for the same to happen w/ this ED. But, so far nothing.

Hi again!

I'm so glad that you are getting out your emotions and feelings, I'm also so glad that your husband knows! He's a very important person in your life and if you can let him in on this part of yoru life it will be much easier to deal with.

I know what you mean about needing a "switch." It was like that for me too. My ED started off as a "diet." Then came the irrational thoughts, then the starvation, then the purging...then months and months and MOOOOOOOOONTHS later the first steps towards recovery. Sometimes it feels like it's one step forward and two steps back. But I know I'm making progress, and I know all of you are or will be. We have the power to look at food normally...to stop abusing our bodies like this.

I'm so glad that you're finally admidting to yourself that you have a problem and that your thoughts and behaviors are harming you. That's a big step...at least you've made it this far, even if you continue with these behaviors (which i hope isn't for long) http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/biggrin.gif But you have this thought in the back of your head...the seed has been planted. Soon it will start to grow...and I hope you get your "switch" flipped over, because you deserve the best life ever...and you will have it. You lost the weight, now you just have to step up and be healthy. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/biggrin.gif You can do this, I know you can!!! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/bouncing.gif GOOD LUCK. let us know how you're feeling, ok?

NEVER GIVE UP
~sarah~