I feel like my life is breaking down. I have no reason to wake up in the morning. I'm hurting, my best friend is hurting, and I can't make things better for her. We're at a place in time where we keep fighting b/c we can't help each other and neither one of us understands each other! I love her so much and there is nothing that I can do! I'm trying to take baby steps to get to recovery for my ED, but that's very hard when my whole reason for even considering that is hurting me! Is putting me through pain! Is making me cry! I was at a point when i was purging around 10X a day! I would purge until i could taste it in my throat and my whole throat and mouth would burn and I'd be crying from all the pain! I was scared to tell my best friend-but I did. She's at the point now where she is wants to tell someone for me, she wants to get me the help. She can't though! I can't live without her! And if she told we'd have no friendship anymore, b/c i'd lose trust, no matter how much I'd try to keep it, it wouldn't happen! Yesterday we had the worst of our resent fights, I don't really even remember what happened, but I got angry. I told her to call me later if she wanted otherwise i don't know the next time we'd talk. I got offline, and went to my room and cried! How could I have told my best friend that? As soon as I had taken control of myself, I called her. We sat in silence for a while, then she asked me why I called her, so I hung up the phone and started crying again. She asked me why I did that and I said "b/c you sounded like I shouldn't have called you, so, I was going to save you." She said that wasn't what she meant and asked me to just talk to her about everything that was bothering me and I just sat there crying. She said that she knows i'm hurting because she hears me crying and sees me in pain but feels helpless because there is nthing that she can do. We talked for a little bit, but then she had to go. Today she came over to my house. We sat in my room listening to my cds and just talking and crying for a long time. My parents had ordered a pizza for dinner and she stayed. We ate and then sat on the floor watching tv. I got up and went to purge but i told her I was going to the bathroom. I was too scared to tell her what i did, but when she went home she went online and so did i. I told her right away what I had done and she was hurt by that. hurt by the fact that i didn't turn to her to stop me-I went ahead and did it anyway. But then she told me something, and it hurt me because i thought we had fixed this other problem. And she's offline now, and I have no one to talk to, no one to hold me back, just tears falling down my eyes. I feel like my body-both physically and emotionally-is just breaking down and I'm just sitting back and watching the show. I feel like I have no one to turn to. I feel like when I try to talk to people, all I end up doing is yelling at them when they tell me to get help! I feel like before I actually get myself some help I'll have no friends and by then I'll probably have even lost my best friend!

------------------
--katie--
When it hurts to look back and
you are scared to look ahead,
look beside you and I will be there

Well, first i have to say that reading your post reminded me the situation i found myself in with my best friend. She was the one with anorexia who was going through almost exactly what you are going through and i was the one who was trying to help her. We began to fight all the time and became fustrated at the situation. From my own experience, I know that seeing you like this is greatly affecting her, probably in more ways than you know. Her anorexia was negatively affecting my life since it was always on my mind and it killed me to see her like that. It got to the point where every time we hung out we got into a fight since there was this underlying issue that had to be resolved and it also seemed that the same issues kept coming up. Since I didn't want to lose our friendship I put everything was on the line and I told her how her ed was affecting my life. She had no idea that her ed affected me that much and finally agreed to get help, with one condition- she wanted me to go with her. I didn't hesitate for one moment since getting to this point took six months.

From personal experience, I think your friend probably knows more than you realize and it is probably affecting her life more than you realize, so don't hesitate to talk to her and tell her everything you are feeling. I'm sure that even though you feel alone your best friend is still there but just doesn't know what else to do. I'm sure that she will walk you through the rest of this since she has stayed with you through some of the hardest parts thus far. So if you cannot find the strength to get help for yourself do it for your friend and your friendship. The biggest step is getting help and the rest of the way is small steps that don't have to be taken alone when you have your best friend by your side. So good luck and I hope you feel a little better about things.

Friend99, thanks for your reply. I do know that it's affecting her, but it's kind of hard to distinguish the difference between what my ED is doing to her and what her own "tough times" are doing to her. My only reason for taking baby steps to recovery is for her, but sometimes it's just not enough, b/c then we get in another fight and I don't know...it's so hard to explain sometimes, but I just don't want to hurt her and I know that I am, but then since we got in the fight I know i already did, and I go and purge again, because that's just what i do. When I'm mad, sad, hurt, or even happy, it's like i HAVE to purge. I know it makes no sense, but it's become part of who I am. But those baby steps I take are for her, but I can't do anything that is any better than that because then my parents would have to know and I don't want them to--they just can't!

------------------
--katie--
When it hurts to look back and
you are scared to look ahead,
look beside you and I will be there

Maybe you need to try to think of a reason to get better for YOU, and not just for somebody else. Yes it can be a strong motivator (it helped me enormously to get better because I didn't want to see my parents so hurt and scared), but sometimes an intrinsic motivation, just a feeling of wanting to BE SOMEBPDY ELSE (that is, not a bulimic, but do something MORE WORTHWHILE with your life) is really much stronger.

And don't you think that you could do something more worthwhile with all that energy that you spend on your eating disorder?

Because you do have a reason to get up in the morning, we all do, we wouldn't be here if it weren't for a reason - that's what I STRONGLY believe!!!

Please don't let the hard times with your friend get you so down, I know it is terrible to fight with somebody you love so much, but just think about it, a really strong friendship can GROW rather than be ruined by something like that. Even when it feels like really really "lost" at times... there will be better days again.

Oh, and you don't have "nobody" to talk to, you can still come to the board here, right? http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif

Kathrin

yeah, I'll always have you guys to turn to, but sometimes, it seems like it isn't enough...I don't know, it's hard to explain.

I have dreams for my future and at times I let my ED ruin chances that I take and othertimes I push away my ED long enough to get through that audition. I know that I probably could do more with the energy used on my ED, but sometimes, I can't imagine my life without this. Who would I be? I'd be no one! I'd be lost without this! And I know it sounds sick, but it's true! Trying to get better for myself has only made things worse in the past! When I try to do things for my best friend, it makes it a little better than normal. But, now, I just don't know what I want-which is even scarier. I have people that know-that want me better-that care about me-and whenever i talk to them about it, I end up getting angry at them because they want me better! That makes no sense! I just keep breaking down! And I'm so confused now-and I don't know what I want anymore...

------------------
--katie--
When it hurts to look back and
you are scared to look ahead,
look beside you and I will be there

I DOES make sense in a way that you would get angry at people who "want you better". Maybe you realize that they can't fully understand what it is like for you. I remember feeling too much pressure to get better... I always felt I needed space to do baby steps and maybe try out something and peek into a possibility and then also be allowed to step back again if I'm still too scared... I was always afraid that if I did anything that would make me seem "better" I would raise too many expectations and too much pressure.
Maybe you can relate to this?

Kathrin

p.s. I think it is one of the most difficult pasrt of the EDs to deal with that it feels like "without it I'll be nothing". I even think the identity part is the main part about EDs.

Yeah, I definetly can relate to that. Even trying to make myself think I'm getting better just makes me mad at myself because I know that I can't get better! I know that there is too much pressure and that I won't be the way that I want to be. I won't know who I am without it and I won't be happy without it. Which is doesn't always make me happy now-but I do get a "high" from purging and when I don't eat. [which has been a lot more than it used to be lately]

------------------
--katie--
When it hurts to look back and
you are scared to look ahead,
look beside you and I will be there

Hiya Katie!! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/wave.gif

Sorry I haven't been around much when you've been having such a horrible horrible horrible time!!!! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/frown.gif I'm sorry you and your friend have been fighting so much. I know that most of us can relate...there comes a point that is so frustrating for people who aren't dealing with an ED, that they just can't handle it. They aren't sure how to handle it. And they just end up getting very frustrated because they are watching someone they love soooo much deal with something soooo horrible and in essence, they are very very scared because they are in fact, watching you kill yourself. That's a hard realization to come to...one I still haven't come to myself.

I know you said you were purging 10Xs a day, we talked about that the other day, I'm so sorry to hear that. At my sickest, I was purging about that many times everyday too. All I can say is that your poor body must be in shock from all that purging. I can't even imagine being back in that place.

I also have some words of encouragment for you...I know, that right before I found the strength to start getting better, I hit rock bottom. My life fell apart. I was purging 10Xs a day, not talking to any of my friends, my boyfriend was trying so hard and yet I would refuse to talk to him for long periods at a time. I was pushing everybody away and clinging so tightly to my ED. I hated everyone and everything and couldn't imagine ever being any better. But, Katie, you will get better. I have faith in you.

You said that you were scared to get help because you didn't know who you were without your ED. I've been there, Katie, I'm still there!!! My bulimia is such a huge part of who I am, but I realized that my life and the things I have to accomplish are more important than tile-marked knees and a sore throat. And a lot of days I forget that. I forget that doing these other things are better, because food is still so much of a struggle with me...but you can do it Katie. You said you didn't want to give it up because you couldn't imagine being happy without it...Katie, are you happy? Truly, 100%, realistically...are you happy? I know purging gives you an amazing natural high. And it gives off this sense of release and for a split second we think that everything in the world makes sense...but it doesn't. It can't when we're not letting ourselves have enough food to survive on. Katie, I'm so worried about you, because you deserve SOOOO much better than this! You are such a good caring loving person, with an amazing future and such wonderful talents. You're gonna shine...I truly believe that, because you already are http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/biggrin.gif

NEVER GIVE UP
~sarah~

Hey Sarah!

Thanks for the reply! I know that it has to be hard on my best friend to watch me, but it's hard on my watching her when she's struggling. I know it's different, but it's the same at the same time.

You're right, my body is severly suffering. My weight is going all over the place making everything worse, I've basically stopped eating except for dinner when I have to eat with my parents.

Am I 100% happy? No, but sometimes yeah. It's so hard to explain...I don't know how. It's all so confusing! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/confused.gif

I was at the mall the other day with my mom and grandma. I thought that I was going to pass out. We were in one of the stores and my mom was returning a sweater that didn't fit her and then trying on other things. I put my head on the wall just standing there hoping that I wouldn't pass out in the middle of the store and could at least make it home. I did eat breakfast that day too and kept it in me.

I don't know if you remember, but I did start off anorexic but was having problems hiding it and would just eat when i had to, but skip meals and eat little amounts but purge them, which brought me into my bulimic stage. Now, I've really been struggling trying to purge less and in return, i haven't eaten. I have eaten in the past two days exceot for dinner which my parents make me eat with them. So, i've only purged after dinner. The first couple of days are the hardest. I'm scared to tell my best friend though, I don't want her to be extra worried, but I know I'll have to tell her at some point...

------------------
--katie--
When it hurts to look back and
you are scared to look ahead,
look beside you and I will be there

Hey Katie,

I do remember that you started off anorexic. I have found that it is quite usual for someone to start with one eating disorder and then have that ED evolve into other ones so you are either battleing duel or multiple ED's at once...which makes it all the harder, becaues once you start batteling one you tend to slip into another. At least that's what I've found in my experience.

I know how hard it is to watch your friend falling---and I also know how hard it is to have someone watch you falling apart. I've been in both situations. My best friend is similar to yours. I know they both suffer from severe depression and that they engage in some of the same behaviors. And it's frustrating for both of you. I have found, however, that my friend and I (after getting past the frustration and the fighting) have become closer because of the things we struggle from. There are a lot of ways we can relate to each other and it helps to have someone care about me so much. It took a long time to get to this place, though. We also fought a lot, and we actually went a long time without talking to each other very much...but then we reconnected and things are great now (well, as great as they can be) http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/wink.gif

I know how it's easy to think that you're happy, sometimes I even tell myself that when I'm really really sick that I"m the happiest then. But then I come to a poitn in my life where I really am happy...and I compare it to when I was my sickest (thinkingI was happy) and I realize that I could never be happy with my fingers down my throat starving myself all day long. The irony of the situation is that I still purge a lot and I still tell myself that I would be happier if I weighed 10 pounds less...or 5 pounds less...that's the hardest demon to fight, I think.

Good luck, Katie, and I will talk to you soon. Hope you decide to let yourself eat a little bit today, you're a beautiful person, reguardless of what the scale says...regaurdless of what the demons in your head say...you're a beautiful person and I know in my heart that one day you will see that!!! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/angel.gif

LOTS OF HUGS!!!

NEVER GIVE UP
~sarah~

Hey Sarah!

As weird as it may sound, I've found that suffering from 2 is easier. I'm able to not eat when i can get away with it but then when i have to, then i'll purge! Terrible, i'm sure, but it makes everything easier on me.

The thing that I'm not happy with is my family. They are making this so much harder on me, and making me want to do this even more! I recently went vegetarian. I basically was before because I don't like meat, i don't like how it tastes, all that. My parents are getting mad though because I won't eat it and they don't know what to make for dinner anymore, because I won't eat it. They have to find some other way now for me to get my protein. My dad told me tonight while they were trying to figure out dinner "you realize that you'll be going away to college in 2 years and you'll have the rest of your life to decide what to have?" and i'm like "yeah, and I don't really care, I want to go vegetarian now." Then he said "why can't you be the nice katie, that we used to care about and love and was easier." I felt like my dad stabbed me in the heart and told me he doesn't love me anymore. And even though I guess I don't care that much because i don't get a long with my parents and I don't like either of them, it still hurt because he's supposed to love me no matter what and apparently he doesn't. So just imagine if he knew about my ED...he'd be the hardest piece of **** to deal with!

------------------
--katie--
When it hurts to look back and
you are scared to look ahead,
look beside you and I will be there

Hi, Katie!

I feel so selfish to have been here all this time without ever having replied to your post. Especially now that you're hurting so much. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/frown.gif

About your father... I know it seems impossible to understand right now, but your father DOES love you very much, I'm so sure of that. The reason that I can say that is because I have been through the same thing as you. When I was eight or so, I became seriously depressed... I felt like I didn't belong anywhere in this world... like I didn't know why I should keep going... etc. As you do when you suffer from depression, I was constantly irritable and 'moody', with my family especially. I would constantly get comments from my mum where she would tell me things like 'sometimes I don't even think I love you anymore, Ashlee', or 'I wish I had never had a third child' (that would be me). She told me constantly that she wished I was more like my sister (who is much prettier than me and much more popular and outgoing). A few times she threatened to send me off to boarding school just so she could be rid of me. So believe me I do know what those comments feel like - because I grew up feeling unloved... feeling worthless, like I wasn't really part of the family, just someone to boss around when they wanted to.

Now that I'm FINALLY recovering from my deep depression (nine years later), I've come to realise that my parent DO love me - they just never understood. They didn't know what I was going through - and myself, being only a kid, didn't understand it either. I wouldn't have even known what depression WAS!

Since then, my father, my mum's sister, and my father's father, have all been diagnosed with depression... and then me. My parents are much more understanding - especially as my mother has had to come to the initial few counselling sessions with me so that she knew what was going on.

Katie... please reconsider talking to your parents. Or talk to your school counsellor! If your parents hear it from him/her of course they'll understand!

Best of luck to you, Katie. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif

Love,
Ashlee

One thing I know, it is NOT TRUE that you "can't get better".
Reminds me of something I read in a book on eating disorders and endorphins. There it says about getting better: "It can be done, and it must be done. There is no other alternative."

K.

Oh Katie, I'm so sorry! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/frown.gif

Your father should not have said that. I'm sure he is just frustrated watching you become a skeleton and he can do nothing about it.

Ashlee makes a good point about telling your family, though. Maybe they could help you...maybe it would keep you from having them make these comments. Of course, that makes me a total hypocrite because I would never tell my family. I know mine and I know that the comments they make to me would only get worse if they knew about my ED. That makes it 10Xs harder.

Have you told any of your other friends? Or maybe a sibling or someone you can trust? The more support you have the better! You don't need this as part of your life, remember that...cuz there are times when it seems like you could not go on living without your ED...but that's not true. You're YOU...regaurdless. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/biggrin.gif And we love you, regaurdless http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/biggrin.gif

As for thinking having a duel ED is "easier" in a sick and twisted way I almost agree. I remember when I could starve myself for days on end...to save myself from purging...but consciously I know that's not healthy, and I know you know that too!! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/biggrin.gif You're a very smart girl with a wonderful future...I have faith in you Katie, don't give up on yourself http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/angel.gif

NEVER GIVE UP
~sarah~

Hey Ashlee, Kathrin, and Sarah! Thanks for your replys! I still don't think that I could ever tell my parents. They just aren't anyone that I would want to know. I don't get along with them at all, and I don't think that they should know. I mean, it is my life I'm living.

Ashlee-I'm sorry to hear that your mom would say things like that to you. I'm sure that it didn't help you at all through the rough times that you were going through. I hope that her comments have gotten better!My school counselor isn't anyone that I trust. And, I think that our counselors are required to tell our parents about some things that we tell them-depending on the topic-and i think this would be a topic that they'd have to share.

Kathrin- that quote from the book you read, probably is true, but to me, it seems like such a distant thing for me. Recovery may be in my future, but I don't have time for it in the near future. I have so much that I have to do. I have to get a job, I'll probably be in the school musical, i'm taking voice lessons, I have speech tournaments, I'm in modeling school, then i need some time just for myself. Oh and i have finals this up coming week and next semester I really need to raise my grades! I just don't have any time!

Sarah- My father can't hurt because I'm becoming a skeleton, because i'm not. I'm still..this "size" that i hate! he's just mad because I went vegetarian-which is not his problem! I have told some of my other friends but no new ones that live around here. I told a friend of mine, who did tell me that he thinks something is wrong with him. He's not sure, but his mom wants to take him to the doctor because he won't eat anymore and when he does he gets sick-it sounded like w/o forcing it. That came as a shock to me, but hopefully he'll get better soon. I would never tell my sister. I don't trust her at all. She still tells on me for the stupidest stuff and she is 2 years older than me. We have to go to a meeting soon because i chose her as my sponsor for my church confirmation and we have a night where we talk and she is getting NOTHING out of me! I don't care-she's NOT!

I hope that you all are doing good!




------------------
--katie--
When it hurts to look back and
you are scared to look ahead,
look beside you and I will be there

Hey Katie,

I understand how hard it is to have a family that you can't trust...it hurts. I have a family like that, and eventually you learn to take this fear and use it to gain independance. I hope you can take all this knowledge you are gaining from your family and turn it into something very positive in your life!

I know you may not think you're becoming a skeleton, but please remember that your mind and mirror are playing tricks on you. Even the numbers on the scale, even if you don't see them going down, your body is eating itself, hon, I'm worried about you. I hope you realize how serious your condition is. You deserve to get better, and I know that one day you will. You'll put this horrible life behind you and start a new one...and just think of all this incredible knowledge and love you are gaining from your ED!! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/biggrin.gif

How's purging and eating? Have you been able to get yourself to purge less? I know last time I talked to you, you were purging about 10Xs a day...oh your poor body, I can only imagine http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/frown.gif Good luck, hon, let us know how you're doing, ok? And I'll smile for ya. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/biggrin.gif

NEVER GIVE UP
~sarah~

Hey Sarah!

I have been purging less, but in return eating as little as i possibly can. Today all i ate was dinner. It was chinese food [i love chinese food but i'd hate to know how many calories and fat is in it, so it HAD to come up]. I've only purged twice today and that is taking a toll on my mind and body. I want to purge more, I'm scared to get on that scale and see that the numbers are higher because I can't take it when the numbers are all over the place because of my purging habits changing so much lately.

This week I have had my auditions for the school musical. I found out yesterday that I did not make it. I was the only person in chorus that did not make it. I had a better audition than half of the people who made it-I was told so by MANY people that were cast. Today, I decided to talk to my chorus director and ask him why I didn't make it. I was urged by my friends and other people in chorus. Everyone was basically put in shock when they didn't see my name on the cast list. When I went in to talk to my director he told me "your vocals are weak, your acting was weak, and your dance was average-if that. You show no interest in music-I don't see why you do this, because you don't that you really care about it." I got up out of his office and my whole choir was waiting for me. I stood behind a pole in the choir room and put my face in my hands and started crying. They all came over to me and started hugging me. We left the room and went into the hall and I told them what he said to me. I couldn't stop crying. When the class period was over I headed to my English class, where my best friend is waiting for me. She knew that I was going to talk to him today and she just looked at me. I shook my head and put it on her shoulder and started crying again. She put her arms around me and just held me. My speech coach came up to me and asked me if I was okay. I told her no, she then asked if there was anything i could do, if she wanted me to have her write me a pass to the office or something [i assume to go home], i told her no. my best friend said "thank you anyway" i couldn't talk, i could barely breathe. What my choir director said to me felt like I was being stabbed into my heart over and over and over again. He's told me before that he likes my voice, that I have amazing tone quality-what ever happened to that? Did he forget what he's told me before? I was wearing a sweatshirt today too, that was from Juliard-the BEST performing arts school in the WORLD! It's my DREAM to go there! To get in! I've worked NONSTOP with my voice teacher on my audition since I found out what the musical was. We worked on a couple songs so that I'd be ready when it came along. Since he told that to me today-I've been very upset and my ED is taking a hard time dealing with that. My English teacher seemed very worried about me today-and I didn't like that. More than just when a student comes into her class crying-i think that she thinks i have something SERIOUSLY wrong with me-which i do. She asked me "katie, are you going to be okay?" and i said "yeah" and she's like "are you sure? because you can talk if you need to." I said i was fine and walked away. I'm not good enough anymore you guys! I'm not good enough for anything that i want! Anything that I dream for! Music is MY LIFE! I LIVE FOR MY MUSIC! I don't know where my choir teacher can come off saying things like this! I was so mad that I starved myself at lunch. I told all my friends that I wasn't feeling good -which i wasn't but basically only bc i was so upset-i gave my lunch that my mom packed to them and i sat there drinking my water. it's taking a toll on me.

My sister and I are also in the middle of a HUGE fight right now, which isn't helping the ED in anyway. We have a time that we're supposed to talk bc she's my sponsor for confirmation-and it's something we go to church to do and i'm not talking to her, i'm not telling her anything.

Then, today also, my friends and I were leaving the library after class-we had gone there for studyhall. So we are walking down the hallway and this guy walking behind us pushes his friend into me. His friend grabs the side of my waist and was like "oh, i'm sorry" I couldn't turn around to look at him. All i was thinking about is "omgosh! This guy is going to be like "OMG, this girl has so much fat on her!" that's all i thought about-and it's still bothering me. I have fat on me and i have to get it off of me. This guy had to have felt all that fat! Most normal people if they are pushed normally don't go for the waist of the person in front of them, it's normally their back, YOU DON'T GRAB MY WAIST! I HAVE TOO MUCH FAT THERE!

I feel like that there has been so much going wrong lately and I have so much more to tell , but can't think of it right now. I have to wake up early tomorrow, so I'm going to get to bed. I hope that everyone else is doing better than me tonight though.

------------------
--katie--
When it hurts to look back and
you are scared to look ahead,
look beside you and I will be there

AWWWWWWWWWWWW!! KATIE!!! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/frown.gif

LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS OF HUGS!!!

Your post made me so sad for you. I'm so sorry what your music teacher said to you, and I'm so sorry that you didn't make the musical. That's horrible news! Do you think it has something to do with the amount you were purging? I dont' sing (lol, luckily for everyone who knows me, because I have a horrible voice) anyway---but I do know when I purge a lot my voice gets all scratchy and I can barely talk, let alone sing. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/frown.gif

I am glad, that you are purging less, but I wish you would eat a little more. Your body is killing itself, Katie, and I know I don't KNOW KNOW you, but people around you are starting to get worried. You said it yourself---it's taking it's toll. Your physical and mental lives are drowning, sweetheart, and you deserve soooooooooooo much better than that.

As for your sister---i understand that you don't want to tell her anything, but what about someone else? Is there someone at school you could talk to, a counseler, a teacher, a classmate...anybody? Katie, I look at your posts and you're dying. I'm so scared for you. You're so young...you have so much life left to lead...a bright future. And you said it yourself, you are working so hard to accomplish your dreams and your ED is getting in the way. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/frown.gif I'm so sorry.

I hope you're feeling better, I have to get outta here---work is soon...hope you're feeling better and I'll talk to you soon!!! I'm praying for you hon!!! You can get better---you can accomplish all your dreams, I have faith in you!!!

NEVER GIVE UP
~sarah~

Hey -

I have had times before that when my throat hurts so bad from purging that I can barely sing, but I only had problems talking the last day of my audition and that was just the day that I was dancing and there were no speaking parts. My choir director also apparently doesn't know that I'm on the speech team at school-where i do an HDA-Humorous Duet Acting. Today i had my modeling school and we were working on acting. My modeling teacher told me that my acting is exceptional-so I don't know what my choir director is talking about.

I still don't think that I can talk to anyone abour my ED that doesn't already know. I only tell people I trust. I told one person that I don't trust and now I lie to her because she told me best friend that she'd tell someone if it got worse, and this was after i'd only had my ed for a couple of months.

I can't let myself eat though, Sarah. If I eat, I'll purge! My body is finally losing weight again and it's made me very excited! I'm getting closer to my goal weight, less than 10 pounds! I know it must sound sick, but it makes me very excited!

I hope that everyone is doing well! Good luck!

------------------
--katie--
When it hurts to look back and
you are scared to look ahead,
look beside you and I will be there