I clearly have depression and I don't know if I can handle it anymore. I am not medicated because it is too expensive, but I'm sorry, I don't think I will ever get better without meds. I am not interested in anything, nothing makes me happy, everyday is the same. It's like I wake up, wait for the day to be over, get up again and do the same thing. I cannot get out of this cycle of hating my life. No matter what. My moods also change within a second. One second I feel fine and normal, then literally one second later I feel like I am going to burst into tears. Honestly my biggest fear on pills is the weight gain. Thats the number one reason why I won't go on them. If I gained weight regardless of being on meds, I would be even worse. Because the number one fear I have is gaining weight being that I am currently already overweight for emotional eating. I feel like I am going to breakdown or something. I cannot think positively anymore. I have tried, but when you hate you life, are interested in nothing, don't talk to friends anymore...what can I possible look on the bright side about? What should I do? I cannot live like this anymore. But what if I do go on pills and then I gain weight, and I feel even worse? Therapy won't do anything for me I know this because I have a chemical problem. It's not like I am this way due to a specific problem or anything. I have had a mood problem my whole life. Even as a child I remeber being angry for no reason, feeling guilty for no reason, always having low self esteem and being withdrawn. I mean, is there a way to cure yourself like this without medication? What finally made you guys say "thats it I have to be on meds"? Is there a point where it just is inevitable?

There are meds that usually will not cause weight gain and if incorporate exercise into your life. As for the cost of meds I really can not answer as I do not know where you are from but doctors usually have samples they can give away.

trg247

Therapy won't do anything for me I know this because I have a chemical problem. It's not like I am this way due to a specific problem or anything. I have had a mood problem my whole life. Even as a child I remeber being angry for no reason, feeling guilty for no reason, always having low self esteem and being withdrawn.

How are you sure that you have a chemical problem? Is there a test now that can be done to measure this? All of the above problems that you mentioned can be caused from a dysfunctional family. I know it is hard for some of us to admit that we came from one.

How are you sure that you have a chemical problem? Is there a test now that can be done to measure this? All of the above problems that you mentioned can be caused from a dysfunctional family. I know it is hard for some of us to admit that we came from one.
I am positive that I have a chemical imbalance. I have had a normal family life, nothing bad ever happened to me growing up..but I always remember feeling bad. I remember being as young as 5 and feeling so irritable for no reason and I would literally take my anger out on my little brother and then start crying because I felt so guilty for doing this. Thats not normal when you're 5 years old. I never had self esteem no matter what, I always had mood swings for no logical reason..the day could have been the sunniest best day and I still wasn't happy. Not to mention my entire extended family is either clinically depressed or has some form of mental illness as well. This is on my mother and my fathers side of the family, so I didn't have a prayer at being 'normal'. I have tried for years to deal with this myself. I thought I could fix it on my own. I tried herbal things, I kept putting off seeing a docotor. But things seems to be getting worse. Its like the longer I try and cure myself, the worse I have gotten. I wish there was a way to fix this on my own. Do you think there is a way to do it on your own?

In my opinion If your depression is pure chemical you are going to need some type of med or alternative product to balance out or increase one of the chemical levels in your brain. If it is not very severe give st. johns wort a shot

trg247

Curlyboo -

wow, i felt just like you, except that I am now making some changes to my life hoping for the best.
if you read my previous posts you, you probably think that I was your twin brother/sister.

First of all, you need to ask yourself this: Do you want to be happy? If yes - you actually have the power to make it happen. This is your life, and you are in charge of it - don't let circumstances to ruin your life to be happy because you only have one chance of living.

Having understood this point. I wrote a small daily "things to do" list that I like to accomplish such as going to swimming. At the start I wasy reluctant to go swimming, because I keep having negative thoughts coming into my mind...but then I put myself back in charge with positive affirmations like: "I CAN DO THIS...I AM BRAVE!...THIS IS MY LIFE and not others!!!"

So, gradually, I spend the whole last week going to the aquatic centre - starting things slowly and gradually building things up. On Friday, I actually tried using the spa and I am so proud to use it because it was the most relaxing thing I ever done to my life.

Don't worry too much what people think about yourself. Most of the time they are NOT thinking about you and secondy this world is MASSIVE - it's not like you will see them again.

As I said earlier, only you can make things happen..if you don't believe in yourself, no matter what I say will just be a waste of my energy.

Curly, if you grew up around people who were depressed you were most likely not learning good behaviors for happiness. It is proven that children are affected by a depressed parent. To raise a well adjusted child there is so much to focus on with that child. The child's feelings need to be recognized. The child's boundaries need to be respected. The child needs to not to be yelled at or ignored and the child needs to be respected for who she/he is. The environment needs to be happy and positive. Positive family activities need to be practiced, among others things that I can't think of right now, I am sure. Again, all of the symptoms that you listed as a child can easily be explained by environment. If you were really chemically mentally ill I don't think that you could write what you wrote so clearly. From reading what you write, your mind sounds very sane and in working order. If a parent is depressed do you think that they have the energy or focus to invest in the child. You have to be kidding! A child's environment is soooo important. A child knows nothing until they learn it and if they are around a depressed parent this is not good.

I think therapy is the most important part of getting better. A therapist helps people understand why they are depressed. It may not be obvious, or it may be something the person does not want to deal with. A family history may make someone more susceptible to depression, but there are life triggers. Depression causes chemical imbalances, from stress hormones to neurotransmitters. Combining therapy with such things as exercise and antidepressants helps most people.

hi curlyboo,

yeah, i know the feeling. we all know the feeling around here. at this point though, i don't think you can do it (start getting better) all by yourself. you need some help, babe. some people (licensed therapists) work on a sliding scale, meaning that they work with you, so you pay what you can, or work out a payment plan.

i dont know if you're single or not...it would be different if your mate had insurance...much easier.

many times when you go to a doctor and you tell them your situation, they give you med samples...some docs can be really understanding and can work with you on that.

there was somone else on this board who asked a similar question a while ago, also due to financial reasons, and i told him to look up something called "patient assistance programs" and no insurance...maybe you can find out more information on there on how to get some help....

look for a free clinic or go to the ER....

lastly, are you eligible for gov. assisted healthcare? look into it, you never know!!!

lots of luck to you!!!!

Curly, if you grew up around people who were depressed you were most likely not learning good behaviors for happiness. It is proven that children are affected by a depressed parent. To raise a well adjusted child there is so much to focus on with that child. The child's feelings need to be recognized. The child's boundaries need to be respected. The child needs to not to be yelled at or ignored and the child needs to be respected for who she/he is. The environment needs to be happy and positive. Positive family activities need to be practiced, among others things that I can't think of right now, I am sure. Again, all of the symptoms that you listed as a child can easily be explained by environment. If you were really chemically mentally ill I don't think that you could write what you wrote so clearly. From reading what you write, your mind sounds very sane and in working order. If a parent is depressed do you think that they have the energy or focus to invest in the child. You have to be kidding! A child's environment is soooo important. A child knows nothing until they learn it and if they are around a depressed parent this is not good.
Again, I didn't grow up around depressed people. My extended family on to which I barely ever saw had mental illness. I didn't even know that until last year that it runs in my family. I don't know why you would keep insisting it stems from my environment. I live in a good neighborhood, in a good home, with good parents and a good family. I also don't know where you would get that in order to have depression you cannot write clearly or seem sane. Do you not know that people who have depression ARE sane? It doesn't mean you are crazy. Do you have depression?

Thanks guys. I know thatI in someway can try and change but when you have no motivation to even try anymore it is so hard. I have tried so many times to look on the bright side, and make my life better so I am happy. But that never works. I hope you are right about the doctor being able to work out the money issue. I think it's serioulsy messed up that people with depression/anxiety can't even get help half the time because it's too expensive. But I will have to look into it. I just hate the feeling of liking nothing...of being extremely bored yet mentally anxious at the same time. I want to so something, but feel like doing nothing at the same time. I am not living at this point, I am just exsisting.

Curly, okay, I'm sorry, your environment has nothing to do with your depression. I wasn't saying that depressed people are not sane. What I was saying is that if a person has a mental illness only from a chemical imbalance, like say manic-depression or schizophrenia, self-reflection, like you were doing, is very difficult if even possible without therapy. I just did a quick look on the web about the causes of depression and from what I read, genetics is only a contribution and cannot be the only cause of the depression. The environment is the trigger. I just have never seen anyone who is depressed who didn't have an environment that contributed to it. The other thing about genetics vs. environment is that it is sort of related to the victim argument. Victims are stuck. A person cannot help themselves if they stay the victim. If your depression is your genetic predisposition then you are stuck with it the rest of your life and there is nothing you can do about it except take medication. That thought alone is depressing. I just hate to see people not fighting back. I like to see people taking on the challenge and becoming victorious over their adversaries. No, I do not, nor did I ever did suffer from depression.

I can totally understand what you mean on certain things. Though I do think it's very possible to only have an imbalance for some people. It is a disease I believe many are born with. No, you cannot physically take a blood test and 'prove' that, but niether can people who have dyslexia or other learning disabilities..that doesn't mean it's not there to begin with. But I do understand your point of view on the victim argument.

Curly, I think that therapy can still help you, however. You can still change the way that you think.

hi curlyboo,

i love your name!!

re: the nature/nurture thing....i think it's a 'body mind spirit' thing...meaning i think it's a combo of stressors rather than clear cut black or white. i do wonder, however, whether your folks were aware of your self esteem issues growing up, or the struggles you had with guilt after yelling at your brother, and how they dealt with it. in the absence of them helping you understand and normalize your feelings, as a little girl you would've felt like you were just 'bad' and perhaps that stuck with you. ?? i don't know, just a thought.

that being said, i totally get how you're feeling. i understand all my family contributors to my depression, but it doesn't change how i feel. now, being in my 40's, i feel like now i'm just a smarter depressed person. i feel like if i'd understood some of this stuff 20 years ago, i'd still have the energy/mental flexibility to make the changes necessary to be happier.

anyway, i hope you feel better soon :confused: :)

All right.. Enough with this nonsensical arguing over whether it's more chemical or environmental. At the end of the day, what's important is that people get the help they need.. I think it is ridiculous the way people are debating this so belligerently.

Curly, I definitely recommend looking into therapy. Meds really can change your entire perspective. Maybe you *can't* change the way you think on your own.. .but meds DO change the way you think. And even if it is completely chemical, that does not mean you're hopeless.. Again, meds can drastically affect your brain chemistry. And it doesn't sound to me at all like you are "giving up" or taking a "victim mentality." It sounds to me like you want help, but are just not sure how to go about it.

I just did a quick look on the web about the causes of depression and from what I read, genetics is only a contribution and cannot be the only cause of the depression. The environment is the trigger. I just have never seen anyone who is depressed who didn't have an environment that contributed to it.

Very well said.

Wandering, I have sensed this for a long time, but I get the impression that you just don't care too much for me. This is alright, I have a pretty strong ego and can take this! I have never said anything before because I thought "what's the point?" I just thought of a point now, though. To begin with I really am concerned about you and always hope for the best for you. This made me think "this is pretty motherly of me" and then I thought, I wonder if she could be projecting some of her feelings she has for her mother onto me? since I am intense and I don't hesitate to tell people what I think (maybe just like your mother). I was wondering if you think of me like you think of your mother, like I am suffocating for you? Anyway, maybe if you tell me what you think and feel about me it will give you practice in sorting out your feelings and thoughts about your mother. I am tough, I can take whatever you want to say!

I just did a quick look on the web about the causes of depression and from what I read, genetics is only a contribution and cannot be the only cause of the depression. The environment is the trigger. I just have never seen anyone who is depressed who didn't have an environment that contributed to it.

IMO....This is really good.

Curlyboo,

I do not suffer from depression, I married into it. So please take my comments with a grain of salt as I can not truly understand what you are going through.

I was just wondering.....Have you ever had your hormone levels check? Or maybe thyroid or B12 levels? I know in researching my husband's illness that these things can have a lot to do with mood.

Also, my son has ADHD and I have been reading alot about fish oil. According to what I've read a component in fish oil (I think it is called DHA) can be used to treat depression. This might be a less costly thing to try to treat your depression - plus weight gain is not a side effect. I would certainly consult a doctor about what brand and how much fish oil to take.

I wish that I could offer more..... (I know it doesn't compare, but I get very moody with PMS crying fits/snapping at everyong etc.... I have found that one if I go without eating during the day, these symptoms are much worse and two that if I get somewhere and sing to the top of my lungs for a hour or so - these feelings lift off. I can't explain it except that singing must release some "feel good" endorphines in my brain).

Lelore

Hi Curly...so sorry you are feeling depressed. As for the cost of antidepressants, I just wanted to suggest that you check out your local health centers. In the past I have been able to get very low cost or free meds through the county mental health center. It may take some research for you to find the right place to go. And often there is a wait to get in to see a doctor. But once you get it, it can truly be a lifesaver, and extremely cost effective.

Hope this helps :)

Not all drugs cause weight gain. I was put on Geodon for Bipolar in August and have lost 35 pounds. Wellbutrin sometimes causes weight loss as well. I personally would avoid Paxil, which caused me to gain weight years ago that I couldn't take off until now!

As for cost, some cities have "crisis" clinics where you can get free treatment and medication if you have no insurance.

:) Curlyboo...

my husband is the same way. A little background - he has kidney stones and is always forming/passing them for the past 18 years. The last 2 years its been worse and he has been passing them more frequently. He is on morphine for the pain, which is a depressant.

He has NO sex drive... nothing, nada, zip, zero. Hes 39 years old and we havent been intimate in over a year. He doesnt want anything to do with me.. all he wants to do ( but wont admit to me ) is sit at his computer and fiddle with it and research about computer parts, etc... all in his own little world. My son ( 3 ) and I are suffering as well as my husband.

He was recently diagnosed with Depression, They want him to see a Psychiatrist and also acupuncture and accupressure. I would actively pursue why you feel so down all the time.

Also.. try to get outside and be active. Get a girlfriend to go walking with... join a group.. do not isolate yourself.. it will just make you more depressed.

I hope you get the help you need... we all hope that. You are worth it and we are here for you. Vent to use... thats what this is for, right ?