hi,
i just registered on healthboards so i could respond to something on the depression site. now i can't remember what it was, because i got fixated on changing my user name but couldn't figure out how. decided 'mystic heart' was too hopeful or peaceful and wanted to change it to 'tryingtotry' or, 'ttt' for short. which i guess a lot of people would say is a cop out, because either you do it or you don't, but 'trying' is just an attempt to get credit without actually doing it. it, in this case, is beating this depression. i have little hope left to do that, at this point. i've spent many many years in therapy and although i understand every grain of what has contributed to this, it does not change it. i'm on zoloft and did come down to 50 mg because i was too flat on 75. plus, although the depression was gone, i guess, at 75, i was still joyless and stuck. it was like an intellectual depression.

anyway, there's my bleak intro. i understand if nobody wants to respond. if that's the case maybe i'll try to muster up some absent energy and post on curlyboo's thread (name?) since her intro seemed to catch my state. it is miserable, for sure.

thanks for listening : )))))

welcome to the boards

trg247

Mystic heart, sorry to hear that you have suffered for so long. It is possible to understand everything that happened to you intellectually without changing emotionally. Maybe you still have to change emotionally?

thanks for the welcome you guys :)

for being a smart person, i feel stymied & slow when it comes to my own stuckness. sannah, what are your thoughts about how to change emotionally? how does one do that?:confused:

thanks

hello mystic heart,

i know how you feel, since i'm in a similar boat...

i too, understand the causes/reasons/factors of my depression, and i'm also on medications for it (a "cocktail" as they call it), yet, it's still here. of course, there are periods in which it's better, and there are times when all hell breaks lose and i'm in the middle of it. so, just to know you are not alone in how you are feeling!!

the thing i've learned, and i'm sure other people can also testify to, on this board, is that there are cycles to this depressive state of ours...but let me just speak from my point of view, for the moment... there are ups and downs, like i said; one day is better, one day is hell, one week is ok, one week is a nightmare--you get the gist of it.

i've struggled with this since i was little, but it became worse in high school and finally got so bad in college that i had to take a semester off. At 25 I had a job with insurance and reached out by myself, since i couldn't take it anymore, and finally got placed on meds to help me function in day-to-day life. now it's 11 years later, and i'm still struggling. i also have anxiety, and had panic attacks so bad that i became agoraphobic (was scared of leaving my house alone for fear of fainting in the street, among strangers, and then my family wouldn't know where the heck i was)....

there's a poster here by the name of sannah (i told her she did a better job in two 'sessions' than my current therapist did in a year and a half), who really helped me to see that although i can intellectually conclude what's going on with me and why, i am actually, (perhaps) still emotionally "underdeveloped" so to speak, or at a stage where i still crave a very close relationship with my mother, for example (who by the way, i'm not very close to), or still want for someone to be there and protect the "small," "afraid," "shy" little girl that i once was, and still am inside (therefore, the self-esteem issues)....anyway, it's a long, long story...

what i'm trying to say is that a cathartic experience (realizing why and how) does not bring healing, as freud would've said....too bad for us, eh?

anyway, i do still have hope left. throughout my battle with this demon or monster or what-have-you, i've searched many things spiritual to try to bring me some comfort, since there were plenty of times when i found myself completely alone and misunderstood (or even if i was understood, there were certain times when i was alone)....over the past few years, i started to lean more and more towards God/the universal force/whatever you want to call it/ and realized that he was the only one by my side when i was alone in the middle of this hell. many times prayer, and crying my eyes out (if i'm not beyond crying--i dont know if you know the feeling) brings me some relief....as does reading spiritual books, or knitting, or writing in a journal, or talking to my best friend (she is in the same situation, and also on antidepression and antianxiety meds), or getting lost in a really good movie on tv/rented, or going to a street fair, or browsing through a bookstore (i love books so much, even the smell of them), or potting some plants, or buying myself a bouquet of flowers (and i frequently do this--since it brightens my whole apt.), or listening to my favorite music (right now it's sarah brightman and josh groban)....

besides these things, i have horrible migraines, for which i've been prescribed meds as well. although these meds lessed their frequencies, during those few times they do not work at all, i truly want to chop my head off!!!!! i'm literally lost in a day of fog and pain and crying and more fog and more pain...and there's absolutely no control whatsoever that i have on any of it. i've become more humble than a monk b/c of these things/pains. what i mean to say is that these horribly debilitating pains only add to my depressive states: cancelled plans so many times, that friends know not to make plans with me anymore, since they dont' know how i'll be feeling from one day to the next; lost some friendships; my mother things i'm nuts and it's all in my head; self-hatred and asking of "why does this have to be happening to me all the time? why can't i enjoy life like all the other people i see walking around, seemingly so nonchalant, so "taking-for-granted" that they dont' have pain, they don't feel like a wet cat dragged in from the rain...

i don't know. i'm still searching for answers. i think i'll be searching my whole life. but i sincerely hope for a better future. i sincerely hope there'll come a day when the darkness, the blackness, the hellish abyss will lift up and some sun will shine through, not only for me, but for all of us who suffer from depression, anxiety, panic, or pain of any kind.

anyway, i've gone on too long on here...

please keep posting here. i;ve found the people on this board to be very kind, supportive, empathetic, and to go out of their way to help others, even if they themselves, do not suffer from certain ailments....

may God bless you and keep you in his care! :angel:

thanks dakota. by the way, i love the dakota sky!! i found south dakota to have such a strong, spiritual energy. i remember driving through the black hills and feeling it sooo strong....when i went to research it i learned the black hills were an ancient site for many indian rituals.

anyway, back to depression :eek: i'm glad that sannah helped you to understand the 'child within'. my last therapist helped me with that and it changed so much for me - for the first time i was able to feel a sense of outrage for how i'd been treated when i was little, and a sense of protectiveness for myself (yeah!!). i think where i'm still falling short is this inner resistance to doing the things i need to do to feel better. exercise, get on top of my paperwork for my work so i can feel 'in charge' of my life, get out in society more, etc. i think part of it is that i'm so isolated and don't know how to meet people i can really relate to. i don't have a best friend, have some friends i can call occasionally but really miss having a best friend who i know i'll talk to every day. several years ago i realized a lot of my friends were just reenactments of my childhood - people who didn't really understand me, or, i would be there for them emotionally but not vice versa. so i let them go and now i'm still limping along alone. for so many years i tried taking classes, going to ACoA meetings, trying sierra club hikes, etc etc etc until i think i just decided "that's it. no more". my therapist argues that i was doing those things when i was more emotionally protective, and maybe i'd be more approachable now. but now i just remember too well how it felt lonely to be around people i didn't connect with, and being an introvert, would much rather hole up with my kitty. i guess partly because, even though i may be a little more emotionally open now, i do think i'm pretty different from many folks. not in a 'special' way, just different. deeper or more honest or something like that. so i feel like i really don't relate to many people to begin with.

anyway, sorry to go on and on. and i'm sorry to hear about your migraines. i grew up with a mom who got them all the time - i'm assuming you know about imitrex? apparently it works wonders.

thanks for responding, and it really helps to know there's a place i can just be me, with my resistance and all, and still be understood, accepted, etc. thanks everyone (sniffle).

Mystic, that is a good question and I'll be thinking about it! From what you last wrote I was wondering how your boundaries are? Do you keep people at a distance so that you can protect yourself?