Hi,
This is my first time posting. Sorry if it's a little long. My DH and I have been ttc for about 2 years now and just did the infertility testing this summer (I have mild PCOS and he is fine) I had my first IUI on 10/25. I am in the 2ww phase now.

I am hopeful that this will work but am still feeling sorry for myself when around new mothers or pregnant friends. I am now the only one in my group of friends who didn't have a baby this year or is not currently pregnant (none of them had fertility issues either). I find myself making up excuses to not see them because most of the talk is about babies and I just get so sad.

I am truly happy for them but I just want to be happy too. They do try to be supportive but I can't expect them not to talk about such important things in their life when I'm there. I am starting to feel really isolated, like I am not only losing my dream of having a family while I'm young but now I feel like I'm losing my friends too because I can't deal with their baby talk. Is that crazy? Has anyone else felt that way and if so how did you get through it? I need my friends more than ever now but don't know how to make it work.

Lori

wish I had a good answer for this one... All I can say is that I know how you feel. i found it harder to be around pregnant friends and it got easier once they had the baby. maybe it's also because i've had 2 miscarriages. once they have the baby, it was much easier for me to be happy for them. But during the pregnancies, whoah. it was hard to not let my jealousy/envy show. I ended up giving myself some space during this time. in fact, with one friend, i was upfront about it and it helped. I basically told her how happy i was for her and how i did want to be there for her, but that I couldn't be the one that she shared the whole experience with. Somehow it didn't come across rude, but basically i asked if she could use a different friend to go on about baby stuff with. I told her that it was just too hard to be the main person for her to talk about it with. I did go to baby showers, etc because despite how hard it was, i did want to show my support and friendship for them. And I made an effort to call every once and a while to ask how things were going. But I have to say that I don't see this friend as much. i think it's only natural because now she has a baby to take care of and on a whole different schedule than I am.

Wish I could give some wise advice. i just say, give yourself a little space if you need it. Do you have some other friends without kids that you could reconnect with? sometimes just going out with people whom you have more in common with helps.

Hi Lori,

Welcome to the boards, I am sure they will help you with your feelings of isolation. There are so many great people here, and we are all going through the same thing - give or take a few details. I know just how you feel. My mom had me when she was 38, and I have always wanted to be a young mom myself. At 27 years old, I don't think that dream is going to come true anymore. All of our friends also have children, and we are the only ones within our circle of friends still childless. Some of our friends' children actually ask their parents why we don't have kids. It can seem overwhelming at times. I have trouble being around pregnant women too. I worry that my jealousy vibes will rub off on them or something. But like Red Onion said, once the babies are born, it seems to get a little easier. I try to tell myself that my time will come, and at least I can gain experience with my friend's children, so that when my time DOES come, I will be that much better of a parent.

I hope you find some comfort from the boards and look forward to hearing from you again. Good luck.

Holly~

Lori,
Welcome! I am pretty new here too, but there is an amazing amount of support here, and people who really do understand. You are definitely not the only one who feels that way. I am 29, have been ttc for 7yrs. Most of my friends have had 2 or 3 kids by now, and it really is isolating trying to maintain the friendships, b/c even though I'm happy for them, I can't help but feeling left behind. I really identified with what RedOnion said, about still being their friends but not the main one they shared all the pregnancy stuff with. IF treatments are stressful enough, and for me being constantly around or involved with others while they're pregnant is too hard. Give yourself whatever space you need right now, it really got easier for me too after my friends kids started getting a little older.
I think we will all be stronger in the end for struggling with IF, but it surely is hard. I wish you the best of luck with your IUI. Keep posting and let us know how you're doing! emily

Hi Lori! Welcome. :wave:

I also completely relate to your feelings. I'm 31 and in my close group of friends people just started having kids within the past year or so. What's really weird is that I was the first one to pipe up and voice that my DH and I were "trying" and since then, 2 other couples have either had their first baby or are currently pregnant. Everyone else is currently "trying" as well now, and I sometimes feel like my DH and I will be all alone with no children as everyone else grows a family. There was one couple who was having trouble getting pregnant, and now they are pregnant--I just wish it could be us for once. :( Hopefully someday...

Anyway, I think this feeling is one of the most common. I wish I had some really good advice on how to conquer the feelings of jealousy or sadness, but I don't really. I just try to act happy, attend the baby showers, think positively, etc. Sometimes it really works. Also, I think it's really hard to find any friends to really understand what you're going through with infertility...besides all the people here on this board! Because I don't care how good of friends you have, they just don't really grasp the true depth of infertility unless they've been there...you know all the feelings of inadequacy, unfairness, grief, sadness, etc. of not being able to have a child...people just don't really understand the strength of those feelings unless they've experienced it. And that's why I find this board to be so invaluable. I just don't know what I'd do without this place and these people!! Everyone just GETS it here you know? I don't have to explain every feeling and why here, because people here know what it's like, really know.

Good luck with your friends and I hope you can find a way to stay connected yet save your sanity. :)

Hi Everyone,

Thanks for your replies. It is so great just to hear from people who really do understand. Like Heyknack, my DH and I were the first ones to start ttc. And now 4 of my friends have given birth since April, another is due in Dec., and the last one from the group besides me just announced she is pregnant 2 weeks ago (she wasn't even trying but is happy, lucky girl!).

Of course, I have attended all the baby showers and visited the new moms & babies and all but was just finding it hard to go to the regular get togethers at our houses or dinners out, stuff like that. I guess there really is no solution. I may just need to distance myself from that stuff for a little while and maybe lean on you all for some support on my bad days.

Thanks again for listening and sharing your stories. It truly helps to know I'm not the only one who has felt like this.

Lori

i felt alone even guilty at times for feeling "jealous" but then i came here and and found out i am not alone... now i do believe all children are a blessing even if they are not my own, but i still have a hard time understanding why ALL (yes i said ALL) of my friends and (now SIL) had UnPlanned Pregnancies, it would be easier for me if they were planned.. it was harder to accept the oops, how did this happen??? oh ive known this guy 2 mos now im having his baby.. my dh and i are breaking up and that one time we baby danced i got preggo now im stuck with him.. that gets to me.. all of these women love their chldren dearly and wouldnt change a thing and i love these kids.. but why is it so hard for me and dh who are together and happy and desperatly want to start a family... ok im done feeling sorry for myself, lol... Anyway, i jsutw anted to chime in and say that my biggest issue with the friends who have no problems is they like to complain about their chuildren to me,,,, now i am sure i will have issues with my child as well, but i am well aware that babys arent just for fun and cute.. but while i go through all this treatment and these ups and downs let me enjoy my dream of an infant who sleeps through the night, once i have them i will learn! i would give an arm to have moringing sickness bc it would mean i was pregnant!!! i may complain once i get there but for now dont complain to me, like someone else said dont come to me with everything.. i tried that with one of my friend i subtly emailed her something once and the calls complaining about her child that she cant get to sleep stopped for like a day, then they came back.. im sure its difficult but for someone whose been trying, who is injecting themselves with meds to have a chance at being pregnant, doesnt want to hear ur complaints on sleeping through the night, especially when u have friends who havent gone throught what us ladies have.. wow i think i spoke enough, those meds i started today must be really getting to me lol, basically i know how ya feel, so dotn ever feel alone :angel: :angel: ~aimee

YES!! I can totally relate:

-My best friend is due with her 3rd at the end of January, and guess what, she didn't even realize that she was pregnant until Aug! (She conceived in April!) Her last child, who just turned 1yr, was a surprise too, and her husband is sort of a 'dead beat dad'. I can't imagine being pregnant for over 3 months and not even knowing it!

-Another friend just got married this weekend and I have this fear that they will get pregnant before us! She's never even wanted children, but I have this feeling that she will!

-My dh's sister is about 4 mos pregnant w/a completely unplanned pregnancy! She lives in another state, but I have yet to bring myself to even call her to congratulate her... I'm happy that our family is growing, but so jealous at the same time!!

Thanks for listening!

Haha, Falk, one of my friends had a similar experience to your friend's. I have an old friend from high school that had her first child and was 4 months pregnant before realizing! She couldn't button her pants one day and joked to her mom about getting fat and her mom joked back "maybe you're pregnant", and my friend went "hmmm". She took a HPT and about fell over when she saw she was pregnant, because she was smoking pot, drinking, everything and was mortified. She had irregular periods, so it never occured to her she was pregnant, plus she was on BCP's the whole time. Amazingly this child is now absolutely fine!