For those of you who don't know me or for those who forgot I am the woman whose DH was diagnosed with testicular cancer and as a result has no sperm.
Well he wants to try IFV with ICSI, but our chances of him having any sperm good enough to do that with is only like 10%. I would be all for it if we could find out if he has any in there before I go through all the injections etc associated with IFV. But that is not how it works to my understanding. I have to do all the injections, meds, etc have the eggs retrieved and then they will go in and see if there is any sperm. I just have a problem with going through all that only to find out he has no sperm, let alone to think of spending all that money only to find out that we can't even do it. I feel horrible thinking this way. I should be supportive and do anything it takes for him to be able to biologically father a child, but I am a realist and the odds are so far against us that it makes much more sense to get a donor.
So we have talked about donor, and of course he has issues with that. he does'nt think he can love a child that is not "his". So to preserve the "sacred DNA" he has talked to a favorite unlce that looks like him, thinks like him, and that he respects very much. The uncle has agreed to be a donor if it comes down to that. I think that it is great that DH has found a way to feel ok with having a donor, but of course there are some issues I have about it. First the uncle is not old, but is certainly not young either fertility wise. He is 45-50. Studies have shown issues come up in children with fathers who are over 40. No offense to anyone out there. My thinking is that if we have to get a donor shouldnt we go with a clinic that screens genetically, where we can get the best possible sperm out there? The other issue is that of ethics. What do we tell the child? Do we even tell the child? What if unlce wants to have a say in the child's life or decides that he wants more than we are willing to give? (He has none of his own children for reasons we do not know). Obviuosly we woule be indebted to him, but I dont want him thinking he has a say in how we raise this child. There is just so much to think about and I have a hard time bringing it up with DH because he is already super bummed about the situation and I want to be supportive. Do I just shut up and go with it or do I make this situation potentially worse?
thanks for listening.

Sommer, my prayers will be with you and your DH as you make these extremely difficult and important decisions.
First, I'd like to say that you shouldn't beat yourself up about not wanting to go through all the preparations and expense of an IVF cycle for a 10% chance of actually completing the cycle. Yes, you should be supportive of your DH, but I'm sure that you are being as supportive as you can be. There are so many sides to the issue.
Second, I think it is fantastic that you have somebody in your (DH's) family that is well respected AND willing to be a donor. It gives you options. Although, you do raise some excellent points regarding how he will act toward the child and what you should tell the child. I wouldn't worry too much about his age, but that is me. My dad was in his late 50's when I was conceived, and I think I turned out just fine :jester: . I'm sure there are risks, but aren't there risks with everything we do these days?
Finally, I'd like to suggest counseling. This is obviously an extremely trying time for you and your DH, and counseling might help him deal with the emotions he is feeling as well as open you both to ideas you might not have thought of. I know they offer counseling to couples considering egg donors, so I would assume they would do the same with those considering sperm donors.
I wonder if PaulieB can chime in and respond to your post...He and his DW are doing IUI's with donor sperm. Maybe he can give you a male's perspective and help you see your DH's side from a different angle...
Whatever you two decide, I pray for happiness and health to the both of you. Good luck! :angel:
Holly~

sommer -- i remember you well. i don't have any personal experience with some of these issues that you are currently contending with, but if you don't mind my saying so, i think that your feelings are completely justified.

first, i think there's nothing wrong or selfish with you not wanting to go through all of the meds for an ivf with such uncertainty regarding whether or not you even have any sperm that you'd be able to work with. the injections and treatments are physically, emotionally, mentally, and -- as you've pointed out -- financially taxing. do you know whether you can (1) locate an alternate sperm source (whether it's your DH's uncle or some other donor),
(2) go thru the ivf meds, (3) have your DH go thru the sperm aspiration, and
(4) if any sperm are retrieved, they'd icsi with that, but if not they'd use the donor sperm?

second, i think that your concerns regarding the age of your DH's donor (and all the other issues you've raised such as indebtedness, possible interference in the parenting, etc.) are completely legitimate as well. this may be something you'd want to talk to your RE about to fully inform yourself about any risks involved to the baby. (you may even find out that the risks are not what you think, and you might be ok with it.) there may even be an in-house geneticist that you can talk to. perhaps your DH would process the information better if he hears about the risks from a doctor either in addition to, or instead of, you. sometimes it just helps to have someone in a "professional," objective capacity to say things in order for them to sink in.

i also think you should discuss all of the reservations you are having with your DH in as (for lack of a better word) nonconfrontational manner as possible. you seem to be completely understanding of his desire to attempt to have a biological child or at least to have a child with his family's dna, but i think that whatever solution you and your dh come up with, it's got to be one that you both (and that means you, too) are comfortable with.

some clinics have in house counselors -- maybe yours does, too? perhaps some or all of these issues can be discussed and worked out in that kind of a forum?

anyhow -- i wish you the best of luck in all of this. i feel for you -- these are some really hard issues to contend with in an already difficult situation. i am confident, though, that things will work out for the best. i will keep you in my thoughts ...

Sommer,
Cubed and I posted at about the same time, and I just re-read both of the posts and wanted to make sure that I'm not misunderstood...You know how it is when you read somebody else's thoughts - they don't always 'sound' the same as they were intended.
I definitely think your points are valid, I just personally would not worry about the age factor.
Also, when I said it would be nice if you could hear from PaulieB to get a male's perspective, I wasn't implying that you are being insensitive to your DH's feelings.
I agree with Cubed 100% when she says the two of you need to come to a conclusion that you are BOTH comfortable with.
Again, I will pray for you.
Holly~

Sommer,

As far as potentially using your DH's sperm...I think it would make so much more sense to try to do your DH's procedure first, and just see if there are any sperm in there. I know you said this isn't the typical scenario, but I'd certainly ask again if there's any way they can do that. I mean, I don't think there is much to lose with that scenario. Your DH has to go through it twice if there ARE sperm, but it's better than putting you through unnecessary shots, bloodwork, ultrasounds, and the whole ER process to then find he has NO sperm!! Not to mention the money! Another thing I wondered, is if they do find a few sperm...is there any way they can freeze them? I've heard a few clinics do that. I would guess it probably wouldn't be feasible in your case because they expect only a few sperm if any (and some would probably die in freezing), but it's worth asking I think.

I don't know what to tell you as far as your DH's uncle's sperm. I would be wondering all the same questions you are concerning that. That's a hard call. I think the age thing won't be too big of a deal. You certainly hear all the time all the old male celebrities in Hollywood fathering children well over 60, so I think it'd be ok. But you have to feel comfortable with it. And I also would really wonder about how much he'd want to be involved with the child, making any decisions regarding the child, etc. I think counseling would certainly be a good idea no matter whose sperm it is, if you are using a donor.

I will be thinking of you and praying you and your DH come to a decision you can each feel good about.

Sommer.....First of all, let me say that I am happy to hear that your DH is willing to explore other options. I figured that he would turn around and consider other things, sometimes these things take time.

My DH and I used donor sperm, however, did things a little differently.

We did a total of 7 IUI's, 4 with Clomid, 3 with injectables. The last one worked. Our first 5 IUI's were with DH sperm, the last 2 with a donor. We did a mixed IUI, plus BD before and after to boost our chances.

Now, this is just my opinion, doesn't really mean a thing.....

1) I would at least give DH a chance to father on his own. Men are creatures who crave respect and your DH may respond better to later options if given the chance to do things on his own. IVF w/ ICSI is mighty expensive, we did not even consider due to low chance of success.

2) My DH would not ever have considered using a relative for this. He is VERY private, no one knows about the donor, and we have no intention on telling anyone. We used a sperm bank and went through hundreds of profiles. We did use a mixed IUI and BD so the possibility of him being natural father is there. How would you handle the relationship between him and the baby? I think that your points are legitimate ones. Many concerns that I would certainly have myself.

3) I agree with a previous poster about freezing your DH semen. If you provided numerous samples and froze, possibly "building up" a reserve to use. This may increase your chances.

Our son is now 8 1/2 months old. Nothing about this whole ordeal has been easy, from conceiving, to a difficult pregnancy, to a premature infant, then very critically ill for months until we could finally bring him home. Dalton is OUR son. Only my DH and I know about this. My DH loves Dalton with everything that he has. Everyone says how much he looks like his daddy. His smile just melts my husband. Love is a bond that is not necessarily connected by blood. We fell in love with him the second we saw him. And we love the person, in a very special private way, who provided us the opportunity the become the parents that we so longed to be.

I wish you luck. If you have any questions, I will be happy to help you however I can.

Amy

Thank you to everyone who has posted a reply.
According to my DH's urologist who performed the tumor removal, we do not have the option of freezing any sperm because IF he has any they are too delicate and would not survive the thawing process. So we do not have that option open to us. As far as looking to see if there is any sperm before we move on to IVF, the way I understood the urologist, is that we cannot do that either because the procedure to see if there is some is too invasive and has a high probability of killing off what is there. So like I said before we would have to go through the whole precedure of injections, harvesting etc before we could even see if he has any. I guess it is a one shot kind of thing. Also I read somewhere that women who have HPV (thats me) have a decreased chance of concieving via IFV. Does anyone else know if this is true? If it is that decreases our chances even more. Seems like the Gods are not smiling upon us.

Sommer,

My sister has HPV and conceived all three of her children naturally, without fertility treatment. With that being said, it would make sense that HPV COULD decrease your chances of conceiving since it does impact your reproductive system. I am sorry that you are having so many issues. I know how difficult treatment can be, and you have other obstacles to overcome. You are in my thoughts.

I know life seems unfair, I feel/felt the same way. So many issues for people who just want what so many get so easily. God is watching, he is protecting you. When I thought all hope was gone, we got our one little miracle. Don't feel like you are a bad person for being angry or sad. These are normal feelings that everyone goes through. Keep the faith.

Amy

My coworkers family has used a sperm donor twice. The first time was with her son. He had a very low sperm count. After years of infertility they mixed his sperm with a donor and she conceived. (They found a donor with her son's similiar looks, etc.) Is the baby girl from the donor or him, who knows and it does not matter to them. This maybe a good option for you. You can mix his sperm with the donor's and see what happens.

Then next person was her niece. She married a man who had had a vasectomy. The vasectomy reversal did not work, so they used a sperm donor. They have a beautiful baby boy.

My other co-worker's brother was infertile and the couple asked him to be a donor. He already has two kids of his own, and was very proud to be of service to his brother. But once again the child could find out that Uncle Pete is really Daddy.

In all 3 cases I think that they made a mistake in letting their family and friends know that a sperm donor was used. I would be afraid that someone would blab to the child before they could. I just think that information should be kept private. That is what is so great about sperm banks.

So ask your hubby about mixing his sperm with an unknown donor. Only you and he will know that there is a possibility that it is not his. Tell everyone else that the procedure with his sperm worked!! Do not tell a single sole, because even parents have loose lips. The bigger the secret, the more it spreads.

Do you guys think it is a good or bad idea to tell the child that it was conceived from a sperm donor

How will that benefit a child knowing that? If you must tell the child, then wait till he/she is an adult (18 or older) and can handle the news better. If the knowledge will help the adult child then reveal it. If it will cause pain, then keep it a secret.

Sometimes we adults want to have our burden released and then the poor child is bearing possible unneeded pain.

Sommer I had my DH have the biopsy first.Come to find there was nothing there so I was so glad he went through that for me b4 I went through IVF.So we are using donor sperm and doing IUI.I really hope everything works out for u.

About the uncle being the donor I know when u use a donor they still screen his sperm and keep it frozen for 6 months and test him again.So it will be safe if u do that.I would not use his fresh sperm.Also it doesnt matter who the biological father is and how u said his uncle is a lot like him.The child will be raised by him so it will take after him.Plus I know of children who are nothing like their parents.Well good luck and keep us posted.

Mapia