For those that don't know I recently got out of a eating disorder clinic and I'm now in 'recovery'. Well that's what everyone else calls it. I've been in weight range (the healthy weight for my height) for about 3 weeks now and I hate it more and more. I feel so uncomfortable in my skin it sucks. Yet...I don't know what to do. I know what it's like to be full blown in my eating disorder, but I also can't stand living at the weight I'm at. Sure everyone still says I'm skinny, but I sure don't feel it. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't use laxatives, purge, or restrict. So am I REALLY in recovery? I don't know. I don't know a lot of things and more importantly I don't know why being healthy is so darn scary. I've gained a total of 30 pounds and I absolutely HATE it. I now have started to cut my arms. I'm not sure why I do that either. I'm on Prozac but I'm not so sure it's working 100%. Hmm...I guess my question is can you still be in recovery and engaging in your eating disorder at the same time?

-Carlie

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"Today doesn't have to be perfect, but there's no reason why tomorrow can't be."

[This message has been edited by lilrayofhope (edited 04-28-2003).]

Oh Carlie ((((HUUUUGE HUGS!!!!)))) it is so so nice to see you again..it haas been such a long time. It makes me so proud when I read that entry over and over coz u have done so so well and u r such a huge inspiration to everyone here. Now that u have come out of the clinic..r u seeing n e body regularly? Please dont cut yourself..it is so much easier said than done (trust me..I have done it and sometimes still want to)..but I wish I hadnt coz I am left with reminders. U really do need to have as much help at hand as possible and u r still vulnerable when coming out of therapy. We r all gonna be here to suppor u ever single step of the way..through your most worst days ever and your really good days..but u need friends and family and other professionals to get u past and beyond these eating problems.

I am sure I speak on behalf of this eating disorders message board when I say

WELL DONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:d:d:d:d:d

http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/biggrin.gif http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/biggrin.gif That was meant to be..doh!!

Thanks SOOO much. After I wrote that I purged. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/frown.gif I was feeling pretty bad but then I read your reply and now I'm in higher spirits. So THANKS. To answer your question, I do see a therapist once a week, a psychiatrist (spelling?) every 3 weeks, and we're in the process of getting a nutritionist and a support group. I think once I get the nutritionist I won't feel as bad. Thanks for hearing me vent!

-Carlie
"Recovery isn't a destination, but a journey"



[This message has been edited by lilrayofhope (edited 04-28-2003).]

CARLIE!!!!!!! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/dance.gif

Hi sweetheart!! So good to hear from you!!! And, really, you're doing so great, I'm so happy for you, hon!! I know gaining all that weight is hard, and your mindset still has trouble adjusting, but honey, it's good for you. I know that me saying it doesn't make you believe it. But it's true.

I'm so proud of you that you are getting help for yourself, and that you've been doing well in recovery.

I've also had the same questions about "recovery." I.E. can you be in recovery and still engage in eating disorder behavior. I think the answer is yes, as long as you are attempting to make a change in your behavior, whether your want to or not, you are set in your ways of getting better. I know how hard this is sometimes. I've in "recovery" if you could call it that. Not as long as you have been, I don't think. I'm going on three months. My behaviors have gotten somewhat better, but I've gained tons of weight. So I know how you feel, on some levels.

Just don't give up, hon. It's so so good to see your name in a thread. I come and read up on the threads every day or two, but I rarely post anymore. Time just doesn't allow it most days. But I needed to say hi to you. I've thought about you several times since you've been gone. I pray for you, hon. You've been such a huge help and inspiration to me, much more than you could ever ever know. You truly are a miracle, carlie, please don't give up on yourself. The rest of the world needs more people like you. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/angel.gif

Good luck, and I hope things start to get easier. If you ever need to chat, I'm on the boards pretty much everyday. GOOOOOOOOOD LUCK, and keep in touch, honey. You are missed and prayed for when you're not around. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/biggrin.gif

lots of hugs and warm wishes

NEVER GIVE UP
~sarah~

Hi, Carlie!!! (((Hugs))) WELCOME BACK!!!

I've been really worried about you since the last time you were here. You left a message and then just disappeared again. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/frown.gif I just hoped that you were okay.

Thank you for coming back and letting everyone know how things were going.

Just a few questions... do you doctors know that you are still purging/restricting/etc on a daily basis? If not you need to work up the courage to tell them, Carlie. It's not worth keeping it a secret - you know what it's like to have a full-blown eating disorder (as you said yourself!) and even though you are not at all happy with the 'gaining weight' issue, it's important that you keep your HEALTHY, LONG-TERM goals in mind. Being happy and healthy. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif And the honest truth is that you're NEVER going to achieve that until you well and truly give up your eating disorder.

I hope I don't sound like a horrible person by saying that... I just wish that EVERYONE here could enter recovery and have a 'normal' life once again! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif

Also you NEED to talk to them about the anti depressant that you are on. Maybe it's NOT the right AD for you... maybe it is but it needs to be increased? Or maybe it WAS but it has stopped working now and you need to change. All of these things can happen and the only way to change that for the better is by talking to your doctor about it. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif

I've been told so many times myself, 'don't think of it as *putting on weight*, think of it as getting healthier!" It's hard to put things into perspective sometimes when your mind is set on losing weight and 'keeping hold of' your eating disorder... but the truth is you ARE better off without your eating disorder. It's a HARD road to travel but it's not impossible. Think of the long-term damage it could cause if you continue on with this eating disorder. Think of the SHORT term even! None of them are good. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/frown.gif Kind of puts things into perspective after all, huh?

I know it's difficult... but recovery is something you HAVE to do... you really do, Carlie.

And it's NOT impossible. Not by far. I know you well enough just through these boards to know that after all you've been through with you ED, there is NOTHING left that can be thrown in your direction that you can't overcome. So good luck to you and NEVER GIVE UP!!! (As Sarah might say http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif)

I wish you all the best for your future recovery. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif

Love,
Ashlee

Oh Lilray, its so good to hear from you again!! We've been worried, and we've missed you.
You hang-in there girl. To quote yourself "recovery is a journey" and although it isn't easy and it isn't pleasant, it will one day be worth it.
You have truly been a little ray of hope to me, and I'm sure to many others here.
May the force be with you today.
With love from 9volt.x

[This message has been edited by 9volt (edited 04-29-2003).]

Thanks you guys. Ya'll are all so awesome. Yesterday I purged pretty much the entire day. I've never purged that much in my life. It's amazing how you can really waste a whole day doing nothing. Anyways, today wasn't much better, although I didn't purge due to my throat being so sore I could barely swallow...I restricted. But I see my therapist tomorrow so hopefully that'll help. Oh! And I have an appointment with a nutritionist (finally) on Saturday. Ashlee...to answer your question, my therapist does know that I'm engaging in my eating disorder but she just kind of lets me decide what to do sense it's my recovery. I have an appointment with the psychiatrist in a week so I'll ask her about a med switch. Until then, I'm just going to hang on for dear life and pray to God better days will come my way.

-Carlie

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Scales are for fish.

LMAO, Carlie! "Scales are for Fish"... I love it!!! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/tongue.gif

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Does your psychiatrist and psychologist work at the same facilty? Just wondering as I never had a “set” date to see my psychiatrist so my psychologist would always ask me about how I was feeling about the meds I was on and if I thought they were working, etc (she knew I was too shy to bring it up myself). Anyway, she would always pass on that information to my psychiatrist for me and he would arrange with my family and myself for me to come and see him.

So maybe if you need to (as I don’t see that you should have to suffer for another week until your next appointment) you could just speak to your psychologist about it and something could be done sooner? http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif It’s completely up to you, of course. And as we have a time difference and I don’t know exactly when it was that you posted your response, you may have already been to your first appointment!

It’s good that your psychologist knows that you are still engaging in your eating disorder behaviors… even though in the end it’s up to you what you do. Therapists can’t FORCE you to get better, after all.

I wish you all the best for your appointment on Saturday with your nutritionist! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif

Good luck to you.

Ashlee

I saw my psychologist yesterday and I told her about my meds and how they kinda stopped working. She told me to give my psychiatrist a call and maybe she could call in a perscription or something. And yeah...they do work at the same place so it makes it very convient. Anyways, I bought more laxatives yesterday. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/frown.gif And last night I was throwing up so much (not on purpose) and my heart was racing so fast I thought it was going to pop out of my chest. So I went wake up my mom and I ended up giving her all my laxatives! Suprisingly it doesn't feel that bad. And then she wrote a note for me saying 'take care of yourself. you mean to much to me'. I have a feeling today is going to be a GREAT day!!!!

-Carlie

p.s. I'm glad you like Scales are for fish, Ashlee. Isn't it SOOO true?!




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Scales are for fish.

hola Carlie! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/wave.gif

First of all, hon...I wish I were there to give you a HUUUUUUUUGE hug. I am so happy that you gave your mom your laxatives! THAT IS SUUUUUUCH a huge step! And not an easy one. You really are an inspiration to so many, just by living your life.

Hope all is going well, stay strong, Carlie, you can beat this!

NEVER GIVE UP
~sarah~

PS. I, too, LOOOOOOVE "scales are for fish" that's so incredibly true. It's my new motto! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/biggrin.gif

Good Luck Carlie. Keep up the good work.

WOoohooo (Blows streamers all over the room)