I'm 18 years old, and around this time last year I began working out. I was of a healthy weight but wanted to lose 10 or 15 pounds so that I could be in "perfect shape." I exercised a ton and then I realized that in order to lose weight I had to cut calories. I counted obsessively and dropped to a severely dangerous low weight. I ate all the time, but I controlled my calories so much that I kept losing. But I finally decided to put on 5 or 10 pounds to try to keep family and friends from worrying, because they were really scared, even though they knew I wasn't anorexic. But looking back, I'd call it borderline anorexia. Anyway, the 10 lbs. turned to 35, and I'm up to my original weight, if not a little over. I'm still a healthy weight, but I hate the distribution of it,--my stomach is disgusting--and I feel absolutely horrible. I had to stop working out in October because the gym was sold, and I don't like the new one. Oh yeah, I gained most of the weight back in approximately 2 months, and I am still gaining. But I desperately want to lose (yes, those same 10 or 15 pounds, or maybe 20 this time..). But I can't. I've gone from that very strong will power I had last year to no control, and I have binge eating disorder now. When I first started gaining, I ate and ate and ate (carbs--I'm vegan), and it hasn't stopped since. It started around Christmas. I really want to see a professional, but I can't tell anyone about this, I have no money, and I live in the middle of nowhere, so a specialist is out of the question.

What can I do??? I'm so desperate.....sorry this is so long--I wanted to keep it short, but I'm a very thorough person.

Hi sweetie http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif.
My friend is having a bad case of eating disorder right now, that I just recently found out about. So, I've been recommended a good book that has helped another person I know.
The book is by Geneen Roth "Breaking Free From Compulsive Eating"
I've actually purchased this book on ebay (just type the authors name in the search option)..I will start reading it as soon as I get it, so I can help my friend. You may want to look there, I think it cost me like 2 dollars.
Eating disorder is a horrible disease, and I really hope you get through it.
Best to you,

Nika.

[This message has been edited by RussianPrincessa (edited 05-10-2003).]

YES!!! Buy this book! That's so weird that RussianPrincessa mentioned it. It's an excellent book. I'm reading it right now and I'm almost finished. I can't put it down. It speaks to me and is helping me in a huge way. I bought it at a secondhand bookstore for $2. The author is so smart about why we do this to ourselves. I thought I knew why I was bulemic and weight-obsessed, but she's shown me a whole bunch of other reasons that have nothing to do with weight and food that I'm able to deal with separately and which results in me needing and wanting less food. I totally feel your pain. My condition was getting way out of control when I decided just a week ago that I needed to start taking some serious steps toward getting healthy, both physically and emotionally. I also feel I can't tell anyone and have to deal with this on my own. This book has been a huge support and like a guide. Please read it if you can and I hope it helps you as much as it has helped me. I already feel healthier. Best of luck, and don't be too hard on yourself.

Thank you both for the suggestion about the book. You've really compelled me to want to buy it. I'll just have to think of a lie to tell my mom about what I'm buying. (I'll have to use her credit card.) I'm going to check Amazon right now. One question though: does the book address the issue of various eating disorders, like, well like my case of going from (near) anorexia to binge eating? Because I know this is a very common problem, but I want to better understand it...thanks again.

Hello again http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif.

I would really like to help in any way I can. Its a horrible disease, and I wish it could be stopped, but if helping can change one persons life, then it would make me so happy.
please don't hesitate to ask me any questions,

Veranika (Nika).


[Please do not share contact information of any sort INCLUDING e-mail addresses. Thank you! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif Zesty]

[This message has been edited by Zesty (edited 05-12-2003).]

I really need help now. I think it's so nice of you to be willing to give me the book. But I want to do something, whatever I can do, right now. Does anyone have any other book suggestions? I told my mom I wanted to buy one, and I didn't give any explanation. She just said okay.

This morning in church I nearly broke down. I had to wear a big sweater, which is what I wear every day, to hide my stomach that I'm so ashamed of, and it was so hot and I was really upset and freaking out. I was sweating and fidgeting and shaking. I had at least 1500 calories before I even left the house this morning. Then I was supposed to visit at my grandparents' house for a while, but I couldn't stand it and had to go home. And I couldn't see to drive through my tears. This is getting worse every day. The only thing I look forward to is eating, and I eat to put off doing school work. I'm hoping it will get better when school is over in less than 2 weeks. But I don't understand this; this isn't me. I used to be so strong. I'm freaking salutatorian of my class, if that gives you any idea of how disciplined I am. So why can't I control this? I want to start losing weight again NOW, but I can't stop thinking about eating, and it's all I want to do. At this time last year I was controlling myself so strictly, and I was so happy that I was able to lose the weight as quickly as I did.

So again, does anyone have any book suggestions?

[This message has been edited by Zesty (edited 05-12-2003).]

Hi opeth 89 http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/biggrin.gif

First of all, I know how out of control you feel, but remember that this is not your fault. You have a disorder that is causing your brain to think crazy things, and distort images. You're not as fat as you think you are.

And you're beautiful! No matter what weight, or what height or what hair color...YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL! Try looking at yourself in the mirror...really looking at yourself, and saying "I am beautiful." Someone told me that once, and I thought it was insane, but sooner or later, when you can do it with a smile, it's a nice feeling. Because the more you say it, the more you will believe it. And at first it feels like a lie, but it's not. It's the truth. The statistic is, that for every one negative thing you say to yourself, you are supposed to say 4 positive things. That's a hard ratio, but keep it in mind. YOu are a wonderful human being and deserve happy thoughts.

As for feeling out of control, that's the irony of the disorder. You feel so out of control at some points, and then at others you find complete control. It's crazy, but that's why it's hard to stop the behaviors. I just wanted to let you know that you are in my thoughts, and that I have complete faith in you. You are posting, and you are asking for help! That's such a wonderfuls tep in the right direction!!!! I'm so proud of you! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/bouncing.gif

NEVER GIVE UP
~sarah~

hey opeth89
I was you 2 years ago. I was 117lbs and wanted to lose 10lbs, to get to about 105 because when i stopped playing volleyball and excercising (i was in High school), I gained 10 lbs. because my diet never changed. So i started to excercise and results weren't fast enough so i cut calories, used laxatives, etc and became a full blown anorexic and went down to 83 lbs. I am now healthy at 115lbs. (still would like to be 105 (I am 5'4), but I don't let it bother me because I have made peace with food, slowly incorporating new things back in(like mayonaise and avacado in small amounts). I went through a bingeing period, where one chip turned into the whole entire cupboard of food, and I went to countless nutritionists and therapists to no avail, even went on zoloft and kept food journals (all of which only made the problem worse). My advice is to take a hard look in the mirror at your back, if you see your spine you need to turn back around and look at you, not just the fat you might see, but the person inside who is starving. That is when I saw that even though I looked fat to me, I looked at others and they still weren't as small, and "oh my god, you are so skinny" was getting old to hear. So, start slow, and I know it is hard to eat because you think you are just going to balloon up, but you won't. If fat scares you, slowly incorporate it, like a little peanut butter sandwich for lunch, then maybe a slice of avocado or a smear of mayo on that turkey sandwich. Don't go over board on the fat, just little amounts to make you comfortable (i still use spray butter on muffins and watch my sugar intake)...You just have to start slow and take your time and make an effort to still be comfortable while you build up your food profile again. good luck, and please let me know how it goes