This all started in middle school. (I'm 17 now). I was hefty in middle school and ALWAYS got made fun of. Then I got really sick in 8th grade and that caused to me to loose a lot of the weight. I had people giving me compliments left and right and I felt good. (although I still had a lot to loose it gave me the urge to loose it all). So, then I became subconscious about everything I ate. In 9th grade I started eating less and less. I would skip meals or eat and then go throw it up. I got down to a size 3. From a size 10 to a 3 was wonderful for me. Boys fell over me and I loved it. So, I kept on with my habits because I felt the skinnier I am the more boys will want me. THat seemed true because I did get them after me which is something that never happened to me before. Then my parents noticed what was happening. I had a boyfriend at the time who would tell me I wasn't to skinny. Secretly, I wanted to be "to skinny". So, I kept on. I was seeing a cousilor whom didn't help at all. As the years passed I still had this horrible struggle with food. My weight flucuated constantly. When we would go out to eat, I was always cleaning up after everybody so noone saw how much food we ate. Then that boyfriend of mine broke up with me and that torn me apart. I never hurt so much in my life. So, of course, I turned to food to fill that void. I put on a few pounds. That definantly didn't help at all. A year later I met up again with this boy who I had known since Kindergarten. He had always loved me and I wanted someone to love me. So, he and I started dating. He lost his viginity to me and then I became pregnant. His parents wanted me to abort and I wouldn't even consider that option. I of course refused. Then his parents started hating me. So, eventually they let him see me less and less and I couldn't take being apart so much because I was sitting at home pregnant and I wanted him there by my side helping me through this. We broke up because he started changing totally. I still think it had a lot to do with the way his parents felt about me. Anyways, there I went again, turning to food. Only this time, I let it go overboard. I'm 5'4 and my weight (right before delivery) reached 200+ something. I slipped into deep depression. Now my baby is 2months and my weight is down to 180 pds. Now, I sit at think about something I'm about to eat. How much fat it has etc. Before I eat anything I always ask my mom "will this hurt me if I eat it"? From the time I wake up till the time I go to bed I'm thinking about my weight. I can't stand it. I feel so nasty and gross and I won't go out ANYWHERE. MY friends call me to go out and I say either I'm sick or something. I have never weighed this much in my life and food is running my life. Now, I'm getting back into the habit of skipping lunch or something. The other night I threw up my dinner and I felt WONDERFUL. But now I'm sad again. That wonderful feeling only last so long untill I eat again. Yesterday I took a laxative and I felt pretty good yesterday untill I ate again. I love the hunger feeling but then I give in. I'm not a strong person at all!!! I don't have anyone to talk to about this so I thought maybe this would be a good start? But my question is do I have an eating disorder? Or just am I fat and stupid? Thank you for reading this I'm sorry it is so long. I just wanted to talk.

[This message has been edited by littleone314 (edited 05-18-2003).]

YOU ARE NOT FAT OR STUPID!!! but you definatly have an eating disorder. see a doctor to find a good therapist in your area. pregnancy adds so much weight to a person. I dont think that pregnancy was a good thing to get yourself into at all so that was a large mistake. I AM givin u props for not aborting since that is killin a life. you can get through this. if your current therapist/counseler or wuteva isnt helping you then you might consider seeing another different one. I know that feeling empty may make you feel good for a while but like you said it doesnt last for ever. however the effects it has on your body can. just make sure to stay safe. dont let boiz control your body. everyone knows they r no good anywayz (yes i did just get dumped by my boyfriend :-() thats ok with me though. You can get through this just hang in there. much luv
-me-

[This message has been edited by IceSktnChik2046 (edited 05-21-2003).]

i'm really sry if i offended u by saying it was a mistake or whatever i guess i miss understood... and i am VERY sorry

[This message has been edited by IceSktnChik2046 (edited 09-19-2003).]

Thank you for replying...I appreciate your words http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/smile.gif However, my getting pregnant was not something "I got into" nor what it a "mistake". I love my son so much and I can't imagine my life with out him.

Girl!!! I feel for you. You do have a eating disorder and you should take care of it now!!! before it's to late... You are a mother now you need to think about your baby. I seen someone with a eating disorder it was not pretty she went from 180lbs to 94lbs. they had to rush her to the hospital where they put tubes down her mouth or was it the nose to feed her. she almost dies, she grown tons of hair all over her body from not eating she was just bones. You may say "I'm not that bad" but to tell you its a disease it will get worst even when you start by cutting meals out of your daily diet and feel bad when you eat. So Please for your baby and yourself go get help. Take Care. Goofy45