I will start with the good. This morning my mom does not appear to be in pain. Tomorrow my oldest sister arrives.

The bad :I think my mom is once again set to prove a doctor wrong and prove the hospice doctor was wrong thinking she has a couple months left. ( if you recall proving her oncologist who told her at her age chemo was probably not worth it and at most would probably only give her a year became the drive behind her fight as she set out to prove him wrong)

The ugly: when I got down here to my mom's yesterday after being home and working all weekend I found her in bed and in intense pain she rated the pain a 9-10 in her shoulder. I got permission to start her on some morphine and after two doses she had no more pain and slept all night. Today she is confused when she is awake and unless the morphine is very slow leaving her system because of Kidney or liver impaiment I feel her kidneys may be shutting down and the toxins are building up in her blood.

When she is awake she looks right past you into the distance which is not a good sign and yes she is sleeping most of the day thou I did have to move her from her bed to the couch as her cat hacked up a huge hairball on the bed during the night. :dizzy: He spent the night curled up by her.

Conversations with my mom are funny in a real sad way. I think I can have better conversations with my dogs at this point as at least they look at me like they understand some of the words.:rolleyes: My mom is cute as she tries to cover her confusion which is where the funny part comes in and she laughs when you call her on it. Today she is not the person I know as my mom and my heart breaks for that. She may get her wish to die soon as if her kidneys shut down she will not last too long at least most people don't. The fact she is ready and ok with death helps but the thought of her never being in my life again stings.

My dad and I had a big argument this morning as he was going into work and says" I did not feed the dogs" ( which means you feed the dogs) I feel he needs to start doing it as he will be the only one here to do it in the future so he had better start making it his routine. He pitched a fit which is his way of doing things. I feel bad but if I keep doing everything my mom did for him it is not going to help him in the long run. Taking care of the one dog, Henry is alot of work as he has lupus and the stress of what is going on with my mom is causing a flare up of it so my dad has to learn to make sure he gets his meds on time.I feel bad as my dad is 82 but since he wants to try living here alone with the animals he has to be able to show us he can do it as I will not be here all the time like I seem to be now. yup the ugly is that emotions are all running high right now.:eek: Anyway way we are accepting positive thoughts and all the prayers we can get right now. I will keep you all posted. JanMarie

JanMarie,
Shoot! Your mom sounds like she is shutting down! Oh, I am so sorry and what a terrible feeling you are going thru! What a relief you got the pain under control, but have heard the morphine can make you a little out of it. (makes you wonder) But, as you know working in the medical field as you get closer to death I think all your blood counts get out of whack and I remember my dad's Calcium was extremely high and it is amazing what that can do to the mind! You just never know what is making her say or acting the way she is...so heartbreaking that it is not the way you know your mom. Your reminds me of my Grandma, when she set her mind to her she was gone.
Sorry your dad is being a handful at the same time. It is so overwhelming and even though you work in the medical field I am sure nothing can prepare you for the loss of your mom. I pray you can hang on and still smile with all the beautiful times and talks your mom shared over these years. You know you have done everything to make her life special so you never have to live with any guilt at all...what a wonderful feeling, but at the same time know you will have that void...I am so sorry!
Prayers and Hugs,
Kim

JanMarie,

So sorry to hear the news about your mom. As you know my husband and I were inspired by her strong will to fight this monster. He too has taken a turn and is trying with all his might to hold on. His body became immune to the morphine, dilaudid, as well as oxycodone. He now takes methadone for his pain. Before he could not sleep at all since this started. Now he won't quit sleeping. He sleeps all day. His nurse said to let him catch up. He does not need the aid of larazapiem or bendryl. He takes a very long time to urinate and is in a confused state throughout the day. He is slow moving and getting around. Sometimes he sounds great and like himself other times I don't know who he is. I am trying hard to continue to be strong and not scared. The holidays are upon us and I was told that he might not make it. I choose to ignore the statement even though it may prove to be true.

Lots of Prayers sent your way for you, mom and dad.

Renea

I had to smile a little bit about the cat story. Since I've felt ill I've had one my my two cats in here with me at least part time. I don't know why but my cats throw up a lot. And it's hard because I never know which one is doing it!

I can really sympathize with the whole dad thing. Mine is 83 and I've been trying to prepare him in case my test results come out badly. When my mother passed, I just stayed away from him as I was devastated myself. He went a little crazy telling the step-family I had tried to hit him! He had come into my room early one morning and grabbed me and started shaking me awake and I struggled trying to get away from him so I ended up rolling out of bed and onto the floor. That's when he called his family (step family to me) that I had tried to punch him. And they believed him. When we moved out here my step-brother-in-law started reading my journals and somehow thought I was plotting to kill him and his whole family in their sleep! I don't even kill bugs! It was a crazy thing and the step-family has not liked me since and even went so far as to mention they didn't care for my mother either. Aside from my dad, step-family is all there is. It's weird how a traumatic event can make people act nuts like that. It's the last thing you need when you're dealing with your own illness or that of another parent.

I hope things smooth out with you dad. But you're right, he does need to start learning to take over certain duties. Perhaps he's in denial? Or simply too messed up to deal with it. It makes it so hard on you, I know on top of everything else. I'll be sending prayers your way.

Blessings.

A couple of months ago Patsy was on an extended release morphine which caused her to hallucinate ( she had trouble distinguishing her dreams from reality). At the time while we were in the hospital and it was very disturbing, but some things are kind of funny now. I had to sleep upright in a chair by her bed for a couple of nights because she kept getting up and trying to take off. One night she got up and said "Conan get the kids, were getting out of here." This of course was 2 in the morning and the kids were at home. One morning I woke up about 7 am and Patsy was sitting up putting on make-up. I asked her how she was feeling and she said "Were getting out of this military installation. :confused: " When I explained to her we were at the hospital she said "Well who were those military men you were with and where did you get that scratch on your neck:eek:" ...so once we stopped the morphine, things went back to normal.

Jeanmarie

I'm glad your mom appears to be out of pain, and hope your sister's visit helps take some weight from your shoulders.

There's not much difference between your 82 year old Dad and my 21 year old son ! I've noticed a definite trend, where he'll start an argument rather than think about day-to-day things he's going to have to do on his own.

I'm careful of his feelings, and "light"in my approach... but knowing he's eventually going to have to manage alone, when I try to show him how to do something or even mention having to have a routine, I can guarantee a bad reaction.
My son isn't in denial, he knows the score. We are both living a day at time, making the best of each day. I suppose the argumentative streak is due to his need to release anger and hurt....and his resistance is against my cancer rather than me.

I pray for you and your family.

The sad, the bad and the funny. I'm sure nothing happening, right now, is very funny as it is too sad and bad. I found humor in your cat story. Makes you want to cry and laugh all at the same time.

It is amazing that the human body/spirit can struggle so to maintain life. I watched my father's struggle to live for seven years after a heart attack he had at age 82. I watched my mom go gently into the night after being in a two week coma from a stroke. My mother was always a gentle person. My dad was a fighter. It sounds like your mother is a fighter too.

My dad looked into space about two weeks before he died. He smiled and had a peaceful look on his face. My husband and I have often worried what this was all about. Would love your input.

God bless you, JanMarie, and your parents.

linda

JanMarie, I am sending a ton of positive thoughts and prayers your way. I am so sorry to hear your mom is not doing well. Morphine can do strange things to your head...my father was on this drug when he was hit by a truck a few years ago - he seemed like he was in a dream state much of the time...but he went back to normal after he went off these drugs. But it does do it's job well for pain control.
It's funny that you mention about the cats and the hairball...I have an older cat who has been doing the same lately yuck!! she likes to eat my dog's dry food which doesn't settle well in her belly...
Sorry to hear about your dad - maybe he is being difficult because it is hard for him to see your mom this way? unfortunately, with my family it's been one big happy fight since a few months after my dad was diagnosed. it's a shame that it can be like this.
I will definately keep your mom and you in my thoughts and Renea and Kim you guys also.
It's a little sad to see everyone isn't doing good these days - I loved coming to this board to read about your families and everyone gave me hope and strength for my dad...and I still find that here, but I just wish that the days ahead were not difficult for you guys.
Jeanie.

This week the hospice doctor increased my extended release morphine dose by 50% and I'd hoped this wouldn't cause me to feel doped or confused.

I've followed this topic, so was aware of the possibility of confusion or being unable to distinguish dreams from reality. Thankfully, the increased dose has simply improved pain-relief and allowed me some decent sleep. All good, or so I had thought until tonight.

My son was out for this evening...it's his best friend's 22nd birthday; all the boys were going to a bar and then on to a restaurant so I expected him home quite late.
I took my meds at 10pm and fell asleep for a couple of hours...then was awakened by a noise that sounded like metal banging against metal, and a thud. I thought my son had come home and accidently knocked something over, like one of the metal bar-stools in the kitchen. But there was no further sound or movement, and when I checked the time it was only a quarter past midnight....too early for my son's return.

So I sat in bed thinking I'd dreamt something...and that morphine hallucination came with sound effects!

I fell asleep again, and awoke at 1.45am to find a strange man in my bedroom doorway...and I thought I must be dreaming: then he spoke, and came over to my bedside and picked up my cellphone before opening the french windows to make his leisurely exit. I just sat in bed staring, stunned; then I went and had a look around the house...nothing had been disturbed, nothing taken...must be hallucination.

Well, it wasn't. He'd broken in through the bathroom window, and the metallic crashing sound I had heard was the shower rail broken and on the floor, everything knocked off the windowledge, too. And he'd blocked the main entrance, obviously having been in my room and decided to use the french doors.
Some small items...of no value...had been taken from my bedside table while I slept. The cellphone he took as he was leaving was the only other thing stolen.

The strangest thing is that he was in here for 90minutes. That thought has scared me.

My son came home less than ten minutes after the burglar had left, and phoned the police, who have taken this strange incident very seriously. The fingerprint team are coming this morning.

So that's me, not having hallucinations, but sufficiently becalmed by my meds cocktail to be feeling only stunned and numb after the event. And, yes, I realise it could have been ugly.

What a scary experience! I guess it just goes to show you shouldn't doubt yourself, but perhaps it's good you reacted that way and didn't freak him out. Glad you and your son are ok (and that you have something to keep you calm).

Ellengrace, That is a frightening story but I am so glad nothing happened to you.You had my heart racing just reading it. I hope the police catch the man. In an earlier post you said my dad sounds like your son. I am sure their behavior is done out of fear as fear usually is behind any anger issues. I am sure that fear is what will happen to them when their loved one is gone as life will take a dramatic change.

I tried posting twice before but we have been having server problems on the internet and it would bounce me off just as I was finishing.:dizzy:

My mom is a tad better. Has had no more pain which makes me think the pain was from a muscle in her back and the morphine allowed her to relax and that muscle got to rest(?) She has had no more morphine but sort of comes and goes in her mentation.

The other evening she was looking out the living room window as she sat in her chair and suddenly she says" Who are those people I am seeing sitting out in my yard looking in at us? Why are they watching us? " Best I could tell she was seeing the reflection of she , my dad , my sister and I in the window.

Last night one of the dogs was laying on the floor by her and she suddenly bent over and started picking at something on the floor and I asked whatshe was picking at and she said " well I don't know what this is but it is all over the floor" It was the dogs foot she was picking at! I have learned that while it is sad to see changes like this you just have to find the humor in them or else you will be miserable.


I get her out of bed each day and then she spends the day sitting in the living room in her recliner or on the couch.I did get her to eat some scrambled eggs yesterday and some Ensure mixed with a chocolate shake from Carl's Jr. and later my nephew who is working at the Cheese Cake factory brought over some pumpkin cheese cake and she ate some of that. At this point the doctor has said go for calories and let her eat what ever she will. I know sugar can fuel the cancer and make it grow faster but eating nothing will cause her to die sooner so it is what ever we can get in her. I got the chocolate shake and Ensure idea from someone on this board and it works well as that was a large amont with the two together and she drank it all as she does love chocolate shakes!

I will pass along something I have learned try to avoid yes /no questions such as Would you like a drink of water? (as My mom will say NO.) Instead if you say I am going to give you a drink of water then hold the water up to her mouth she says ok and drinks. I have had success using this method this past week.


My hats off to any CNA's or home health aides. This is not easy work. We now have to keep a diaper brief on my mom and believe me taking her into use the toilet, holding her up and trying to pull the brief down at the same time is not easy thou I do find the brief easier then a regular diaper. I have the advantage of being tall with a short 96 lb mother so that helps but I think of some of you like Kim who I think has said she is is short trying to do this with Stan who is taller when the time comes for such issues. My mom is easy because of her size yet it is still hard. The CNA's and home health aides do this all day long so I do admire them now.:)

It is more difficult to post now as the amount of care has increased and the amount of sleep I get has shrunk not to mention the interent issues but at least I am now on Family leave from work so do not have my drive ( 120 miles each way) to make each week.There have been post I have read that I have wanted to reply too and thought I will do it later and by then there are lots of new posts and I don't get around to sending replies to the ones I had read earlier, but do know you are all very much in my thoughts and I try to reply to ones that I can. know I am sending prayers out to each of you. Here's is to an uneventful weekend!:wave: JanMarie

Hi, everyone.

Newsome and Janmarie, thank you for your good wishes. The detectives and forensics were here yesterday, and have taken prints and tiny fabric samples.
It puzzles all of us...why the intruder stayed here for an hour and a half, why nothing was disturbed or valuables taken.
The flat (apartment) where I'm living now is only temporary accommodation. My own home suffered serious damage as a result of the spread of a fire in the neighbours' adjoining property, back in March this year. We lost everything we own, mostly through water-damage.

So the only valuables here are my son's, which he brought back when he left university this summer, after graduating. There's expensive equipment everywhere, plus it's obvious that it is only a young man living here with me.....clothes and shoes everywhere, CD collections, bedroom like a tip !
And my room is like a hospital bay....the bed, wheelchair, commode, walker, oxygen tanks, and the numerous drugs....and me lying asleep in bed!
Perhaps the burglar had a conscience...he didn't appear to be much older than my son, perhaps he imagined himself in another young man's shoes, coming home to look after his mother and finding his stuff stolen. I don't know, it is just very odd.
We are okay today...it's been a quiet, restful day for both of us, thank you.

Hi, everyone.

Janmarie, I'm so glad to hear your Mom isn't in pain, and that she is enjoying her fortified chocolate shakes as well as eating some food. I hope your Dad is calmer....you are right, and I too always equate anger with fear in any given situation. Now that you are on Family Leave, does that mean you will be staying all week at your parents' home? I wonder when you are going to be able to take rest and time for yourself...it's so important that you do this.

Conan and Jeanie, in your post you mention that your loved-ones coped better mentally when morphine was stopped. May I ask you which pain-relief drugs were offered in place of the morphine, and their comparative effectiveness ?

Renea, I thought people didn't, over time, develop tolerance to morphine.
Like a lot of others, I was initially resistant to having morphine because I feared gaining tolerance too early, wanting to have the full effect at later stages. I was told there was no maximum level, that effectiveness would be maintained incrementally. I'd welcome your opinion.

I was glad to read in another post that dexamethasone is acceptable at higher doses in the later stages of this diseases onslaught. When I was started on a high dose, the effect was very good....a sense of well-being, markedly increased energy level, allmost normal appetite. My dosage has been gradually decreased to my 2mg x1 daily, which I understand is because of the immune-system effects.

Thanks, ellengrace.

Conan and Jeanie, in your post you mention that your loved-ones coped better mentally when morphine was stopped. May I ask you which pain-relief drugs were offered in place of the morphine, and their comparative effectiveness ? .
Ellen-

My wife takes Oxycotin extended release twice daily, 12 hours apart, 10 mg each dose. If she has any pain beyond that she take 10 mg of oxycodone, usually twice a day. So she is probablt taking about 40 mg's a day with no noticable side effects. But that is nothing to the amout that some people require. I hope you are able to manage your pain ... I believe it is important component in fighting this disease.


Lastly I am glad to hear you are okay. That is really wierd. Do you have a plan in place to protect yourself in the future. I hope so, because you are going through enough not to have to worry about stuff like that. I am sorry your having to endure all this, but encouraged to see you here and read your posts.

conan

Conan, thank you for your response. I'm glad to hear Patsy has no side effects with her pain-relief meds. I hope she's comfortable, and that you and the children are well.

I think I'm on a fairly low level, with the morphine, compared to many others.
So far I've been on 40mg slow-release Zormorph taken every 12 hours but the hospice doctor (who I see at the day-unit I attend every Wednesday) ordered an increase this week. So now I have 60mg every 12 hours. I have Oromorph liquid for breakthrough, which can be up to 30mg each dose.(15ml)
I also have meds for neuropathic pain, ibuprofen, paracetomol and larazapam.
I'm not having any problems with mental acuity, but have some sleepy spells.

Conan, when you ask if I have a plan in place to protect myself..I am looking into personal alarms which connect to a security company's HQ.
I'm in rented accommodation until my own home is restored, but the landlord came over today and said he'd upgrade the alarm system and fix security lighting. ( I had to edit my first answer because I'd totally misread your question...so much for this lady's mental acuity !! lol )

Thank you for your concern and your good wishes, it means so much to me to be able to join this caring community of good people.

ellengrace