I am a bulemic. I have been for over 8 years now. I am out of control and I want to stop, but I don't know where to start. I keep telling myself that I'll stop, but I can't.

I binge and purge at least once a day...usually more. I plan my binges so that I know I'll be alone when I do them because I'm so ashamed. I hate eating in front of people, and I usually will throw up even small or normal amounts of food because I feel so guilty after I eat. I am terrified of gaining weight. My father used to try to "motivate" my mother to lose weight by ridiculing her and putting her down in front of us kids. I have this overwhelming fear that if I gain weight, I'll have to deal with what she did.

I've managed to hide my disorder for 8 years, but it's time to stop. I don't want my daughter to look in the mirror and feel what I feel. I cry almost every morning when I have to get dressed because everything makes me look fat. When I look in the mirror, I feel worthless and unhappy. I just want to feel good about myself for a change. I don't know how to make that happen.

I think that is AWFUL what your father did to your mother! That is NO motivation at all! :eek: Kudos to you for finally realizing it's time to let it go. 8years is a LONG time, and I'm new to this, just recently figgering out that I have food issues. I have always been underweight, and it's only from LITTLE comments from my friend's family "oh you're gained some weight" that makes me lose it and be like, "You know what? It's time to UNgain that weight.." I've been "dieting" on and off for over 2 years now probably, but I never even considered the possibilty of having a disorder until this past month.

I'd also like to know a good trick how to get back on track and stop letting this whole thing take over my life. And you, with a daughter no less, DEFINITELY need to get yourself back together. How old is your daughter? Is she at that impressionable age?

I'm sorry, I don't think I helped in answering your question much...

I'm sorry to hear you are having such a hard time - it sounds like you are ready to make a change though which is amazing. I understand where you are coming from as far as crying every day and feeling ashamed about eating- I'm in the same position and it's awful- it makes you forget the good things about life. It's like being stuck in a void where no happiness or life exists- but it gets better, I recovered once before and will again... and so will you :angel: Just keep fighting and remember.. you aren't alone :wave:

Lily, Im new to these boards but I just wanted to tell you that, at least you are trying to stop it. its not a healthy thing to do... I am 15 and for the last year I have been purging on and off... mostly on. I didn't want my dad or brother to know that I will blast my music so that they can't hear me. I finally decided today to stop and I feel the same way you do... I feel like all my clothes could fit so much better and I hate having a mirror in my room but purging in the long run will affect our bodies in a bad way... so keep it up and Im sure that your daughter would be proud of you!