do you guys ever feel excluded at lunch at work? everyone always goes on break at the same time and eats together, i never get included because i don't go to the deli, get fast food, etc. heck i don't even eat a sandwich, every day i bring cereal and fruit. funny thing is, these people are not super thin but not really overweight either, and they eat like this every day and actually enjoy their food and the company of friends, while i may be thin but am miserable, why don't they gain heaps of weight when i know i would, and how do you ever get to that point of actually sitting and eating normal stuff like"them"? and LIVING!!! oh, also i finally have a chance of going out with my husband tonite as my mil is coming to visit and i turned him down because i don't want to gain weight, he is so disappointed and i feel like a failure to him!! i'm afraid one of these days he will get fed up and leave me and this whole ed thing

Hi case,
Ive read many of your posts before, and I just have a question. You say you think one day he'll just get fed up and leave, right? Well, why isn't that enough for you to change? Shouldn't that just make you want to do anything in *your* power to change? Come on, now! You beat yourself up so much when in the end, it's all up to you. I believe that everyone has their breaking point with this thing, that when they truly have had enough, they beat it. Well, when will it be yours? Isn't losing your family worth more than a skinny body? Please don't take that in a bad way, it just breaks my heart to see what you're going through and I can only imagine your family. You mean so much to them, and a life worth living *with* them is worth more than anything in my opinion. Don't you agree? The thing that made me get better was seeing how much I was hurting everyone else, and you know I had the bloating and all of that, I was not only in such emotional and psychological pain, but I was in such physical pain. And still am. But sometimes you just gotta suck it up and realize that those people are the people that you should be living for, because they love you so much and you're so blessed to have them in your life, and vice-versa. They need all of you, all that you can be. And I know you're a beautiful person inside and out, enough hurting yourself and it's time to live your life. For you, your family, your friends. You can do it. It's all in you, sweetie! I'm sorry I've been wanting to say that for a while.. I hope you take it in the way that I meant it, and that's that you're so much better than this life, and it's up to you to beat it. You can do it. I know you can. C'mon:)

sincerity - i couldnt have put it in better words - spot on!!
case - having an ed is NOT living - its being in this state of ..well, kinda like being a walking zombie...being im limbo - you and your family deserve to have YOU - YOUR SPIRIT in their lives.
have you ever thought that maybe your husband wont leave because he no's you without the ed and will stay thru anything in order to have you return again?
think of every occasion you are affraid of...ok, christmas, thanks giving, birthdays...these are times of happiness and celebration...instead you / we all feel affraid and anxious about bl**dy food....it ruins every occasion and stops us from creating happy memories.
i hope really soon - you and your family create more happy memories (ed free)
take care, love chookie

sincerity and chookie, neither of you are being blunt but very honest and i agree with everything you say, but ed's voice always rules out, over everything and everyone i love that is why i need help, i couldnt get help because of insurance but now dec 1 i finally can and i am so exited to finally feel like i may have a life . i know i have hurt a lot of people, i've been moody, depressed, angry, sad absent for so long i want them to know how much i love them, it is just so hard when you are all wrapped up in ed, and that is your only focus, please help me think positive and i'm sorry for being so down!!

Aww Case don't apologize! I knwo exactly what you mean! Sometimes it feels that I live only to play in his sick, twisted little game. I forgot who I was before I began this life. I'm so happy that you'll be getting help, and I'm sure your family will be so supportive and happy for you. It is time! You can do it! Your life is just beginning:):) Stay strong. The road to recovery and happiness is near. Take care and God Bless.

thank you sincerity, i do want my life back, i remember the free spirited, happy, college girl, who would party and eat fast food and dougnuts at 2 am and never worry about it. i wasn't skinny, but i wasn't heavy either and i had FUN, my husband and i would go on vacations and i never worried about getting up early to exercise so i wouldn't gain weight, or worry if i had 10 cocktails a day, i had FUN, i can't remember the last time i had fun, not worrying about messing up by eating and drinking too much, i do want my life back and if that means gaining some weight, so be it i guess, and if people don't like me because of it, i say go jump in the lake, once i start getting my help i need i hope i can finally have FUN again, thanks for your support case

There's this girl at my work, when she goes on lunch she eats enough food that should be plenty for the entire DAY. lol And she is so skinny, I dunno WHERE she puts it. :confused: And I sit there with my usual yogurt and banana and she's like "hereee have a chipppp" (a dorito) and I always decline. If one day I'll eat a brownie or accept a couple chips from her, she's like "AHHH OMG You ate something unhealthy! YAY!" LOL

case - FUN can be had right NOW...why wait until you are recovered!!
yes, i no what you mean about exercising and being worried about gaining, but as you said - it isnt fun, it sounds as though you've lost that part of you...heres a tip - get a fab photo of one of these vacations you had with your hubby - preferably one with lots of smiles and but it on the dining table, or bench or somewhere - so when you are eating, you can look at it and remeber these good times and what youre working towards now...youre going well case...dont be too hard on your self.
EmLit - a few chips will NOT make you gain - why not shock this girl at work, take your own chips and offer her one? that would be cool!! eating some junk food will not make you gain, trust me i have been through many programs and eaten lots of these foods and it takes alot of calories to gain weight, and EMLit, you NEED TO GAIN WEIGHT...
take care, chookie

EmLit - a few chips will NOT make you gain - why not shock this girl at work, take your own chips and offer her one? that would be cool!! eating some junk food will not make you gain, trust me i have been through many programs and eaten lots of these foods and it takes alot of calories to gain weight, and EMLit, you NEED TO GAIN WEIGHT...
take care, chookie

I soo did that. LOL I took some cheetos from my Halloween bag and bought a bagel and some turkey, cheese, and salami, smothered it in mayo...I had me a yummy and FILLING lunch. I had to force myself to finish the sandwich I was so full. haha But she was like "Look at you! You're eating cheetos! WOW!" lmao It was funny. Of course those little bags are half full of air... :rolleyes:

chookie, if i ate and drank like i did on that all inclusive vacation i took 2 years ago without exercising i would gain a ton of weight, because lately i have been gaining from doing nothing to gain it, i exercise and eat good, well kind of, not enough but more than i was and i'm gaining so how can i have fun when i'm so miserable every time i gain an ounce? that's what i don't get! i can't enjoy anything that revolves around food, because i'm terrified of losing control and who i am. that means no fast food with my kids or hubby, no afternoons at the ice cream stand, you're right this isn't living, but either is eating and hating myself afterwards!! once again, a downer of a post, sorry!!

"because i'm terrified of losing control and who i am"
case - does this mean losing control and not having the ed? losing who you are at the moment sounds as though youre scared of losing the ed...are you?
you are allowed to be - but as you have said in a previous post - you want happiness, to enjoy time with your kids and hubby - case STAY OFF THE SCALES they are ruining your day.
"you're right this isn't living, but either is eating and hating myself afterwards!! once again, a downer of a post, sorry!!"
but case, in order to get past this point - unfortunately you have to eat...sorry, i wish i had a magic wond...but i really do no what you mean...is there anything or advice i cangive?
take care, im getting worried aboiut you
chookie