I hate my Ed...yet I catch myself longing for the opportunities when I can binge and burge. I hate it soooooo much. I live with three other girls at school, and I thought that my Ed would get better, yet instead I find myself binging and burging whenever I have a few hours to myself, or go home for the weekend. They don't know I am bulimic either, which is hard to "hide" when all my food is gone. I hate life like this. I wondered if anyone else felt this way? Iam so sad. Does anyone else desire their Ed, even though it makes then feel worse afterwards? I know it does, and I hate it! I really don't know if I will beat this or not!

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Katie

I can totally relate to that love/hate relationship w/ your ED...I was the same way with anorexia. Back in college at one point I also lived with three other people...none of us were ever really home at the same time so we never ate together (which of course made me happy at the time), but I can remember buying food at the store and putting it in my cupboard and my portion of the refrigerator for "show", just so my roommates would think I was eating, just not when they were around. Of course, looking back I don't think it worked...I was severely underweight, and the only they ever saw me eat was a rice cake here and there(on a good day I'd have some jam on it)...I haven't seen them in a couple years since I now live out of state...I'm sure they knew what was going on the entire time, even though somehow I thought I had them all fooled....crazy!
But, the entire time I was doing this, I would've given anything to be able to sit down and eat a normal meal with people, but at the same time I enjoyed the "rush" my ED gave me...that horrible love/hate cycle is sooo hard to break!!
Have you ever thought about talking with your roommates about your bulimia? It might be a good idea if you feel comfortable doing that - sometimes just having that extra accountability can be a good start...in addition to getting professional help...it is so hard to break the cycle on your own.
Another thing to think about - during those times you mentioned that you are "longing for the times you can binge/purge", what exactly is it you're longing for? Have you ever thought about what you're actually feeling at that moment...like what's gone on that day, what's going on in your life, do you have exams/papers coming up, etc...one of the key things in beating an eating disorder is finding out what drives your ED actions...that's something I try to think about if I find myself thinking about skipping a meal or wanting to stay at the gym longer than I should...it helps most of the time, and other times I really don't know what's driving my thoughts and actions....

[This message has been edited by amwood (edited 09-24-2003).]

I know exactly what your going through. I abhor my ED but at the same time...it does give me a kind of escapism...if only for a little while until i realize exactly what i've done (once again) and have to purge.
I'm also a student...I never eat at school (in fact I have a hard time eating anywhere except at home) and when i get home I am usually so famished that i start eating and can't stop. I used to hide it form my family but they eventually realized what was happening. It's been going on for so long now that they have become almost complacent to it. I thought moving out with a roomate would help me to stop the behaviour...so i tried that...but found myself in exactly the same position as you; hoarding food and bingeing whenever i had some time to myself, then never eating whe she was around. Its horrible to be so secretive. Worying if anyone will realize that food disappears very quickly...discovering the horrible truth. It's like having a double identity isn't it. Keeping up appearances...pretending everything is fine. I find my ED gets ALOT worse when i'm stressed out with essays and exams too. I'm not sure what the answer is...but i do think Amwood's suggestion of trying to pinpoint WHY you are bingeing may help. Are you over-hungry, are you upset, bored, stressed, unhappy, tired???? I've tried it myself and sometimes i can identify what is triggering the behaviour, sometimes i have no idea. BUT, if you can figure out what is causing the binge-purge episodes (atleast sometimes) maybe it's possible to substitute something else that is comforting/escapist for the destructive and upsetting behaviour you seem to both long for and hate.
Goldilocks

Hey girls! Thank you so much for the feedback, it really helps to know that other people are going through the same thing. It is easy to begin to feel like you are the only person that is suffering with problems due to eating. I really want to get better...I scheduled a exercise program with my roommates, so hopefully that will help becuase exercising always makes me feel healthier. I don't want to tell my roommates though, becuase I am embarressed. They know I had problems before, but I don't want them to know I do again, because I think they would feel weird around me! Thank you so much though...hopefully I will be able to post a positive message in a few days :)


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Katie